


Can't Go Back

by ImaLittleInsane



Category: Mass Effect Trilogy
Genre: Adultery, Affairs, Angst and Romance, Angst with a Happy Ending, Cheating, Childbirth, Dark, Depression, Destroy Ending, Don't Like Don't Read, Drama, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Everyone Has Issues, F/M, Fluff and Angst, Forbidden Love, Human/turian baby, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, Implied/Referenced Drug Use, Implied/Referenced Rape/Non-con, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Implied/Referenced Suicide, Marriage, Masking Personalities, Minor Character Death, Post-Canon, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Pregnancy, Psychological Trauma, Sad, Self-Esteem Issues, Sexual Tension, Stillbirth, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide Attempt, hurians, hybrid pregnancy
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-03
Updated: 2021-03-10
Packaged: 2021-03-12 09:47:12
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 20
Words: 100,362
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28508424
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ImaLittleInsane/pseuds/ImaLittleInsane
Summary: The war is over and everything is going great for Commander Myana Shepard. At least that’s the surface she wants to portray. Problems within a marriage happen all the time, and sometimes people make mistakes. Her mistake isn’t the act, but the denial of her true feelings by hiding behind the mask of Myana Alenko, and forcing herself to smile even after her tragedy. Until her estranged lover, Garrus Vakarian coincidentally appears and she can no longer push Mya Shepard away.Not with him around.
Relationships: Female Shepard/Garrus Vakarian
Comments: 32
Kudos: 60





	1. Guilty Conscience

**Author's Note:**

> This project stems from when Kaidan told FemShep she cheated on him with Garrus (or anyone). I am in the camp of 'that's pretty bullshit', but let me make a damn fanfiction about it. No, I will not make Kaidan into a horrible person so that's why she cheats. There are no heroes in this fic, they all have issues and shouldn't be put in a camp of "He or she is good, and he or she is bad."

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> She tries to smile

Her eyes opened, and the first thing she saw was his blue eyes looking at her. A smile grew on her face as she reached out to touch his moving mandibles. His arms pulled her closer to him, and she sighed in happiness at being held by him.

“You ready?” he whispered, lightly rubbing her side.

She grinned. “Hopefully, we survive this.”

He chuckled. “With you commanding us? We have nothing to worry about.” He sat up, “Now the Collectors? They have something to worry about.”

She sat up, and kissed his shoulder. “You’re not wrong about that, Big Guy.”

He grabbed her chin. “They think they had you, but all they did was piss you off.”

“Damn right.” She closed her eyes, and they kissed.

Pulling away, he stands from the bed and began to put his clothes on. As he leaves the cabin, he turned around and watched as she continued sitting on the bed naked with her knees up to her chin. They stared at each other for a moment, and her heart races, yearning for his touch.

“See you later, Mya.” He nodded and leaves.

She smiled at the spot he was just in. “See you later, Garrus.”

***

Slowly, she raises from the bed, and groans at getting up. There is an ache in her body, and her mind feels clouded as the dream plays repeatedly in her head. A never-ending desire for something she can’t have.

“Shut up.” She groans, feeling the headache pounding in her head as she feels this sense of shame overwhelming her.

The door to their home opens up, and Kaidan, her husband of two years, greets her. A smile presents on his face as he walks inside with breakfast in front of him.

“Hey, beautiful.”

_You weren’t like that last night._

“Hey, Kaidan.”

He places the food in front of her.

_Bacon, egg, and cheese on a hot bun, my favorite._

As she chews into the food slowly, his hand reaches out to touch her face, but she pulls back with a frown on her face. He stares at her for a moment, and she can see the sadness in him, but she doesn’t care. Last night is still fresh in her mind, and she’s not about to deal with him right now.

“I’m sorry, okay,” he whispers.

Putting the bun down, she looks at him. There are no words, just a look. Last night they had yet another argument about things she just doesn’t want right now. How much he wants this, but not how much it’s affecting her. How much she just wants to give up, but he doesn’t want to.

After losing their baby, she expected him to drop the subject, and he did. Then that fucking doctor, fucking Dr. Michel had to say they still have a chance and that they shouldn’t give up.

_“Lots of other women went through this before, but it’s not the end, there is still a chance.”_

Fuck Dr. Michel. Honestly, from the moment she gave Garrus turian chocolate, to the moment she sat there with that stupid smile on her face, giving hope that they could try again to have a child. Showing off the wonderful families that have continued through their tragedy into happy loving family homes.

Fuck Dr. Michel.

“Please, Mya, forgive me.” He gave his best sad face, “I don’t want to fight anymore, and I will forever drop the subject unless it’s what you want.” There it is; there is that spark of hope in his damn eyes and voice.

Her jaw clutches as she continues to look at him. It’s hard enough that finally after months of trying, they got pregnant, just for her body to fail, and lose the baby. Now his sad eyes plague her with hope for them to try again, and it just hurts.

Kaidan isn’t a bad person; he’s sweet, kind, amazing. Just right now is bad.

Doesn’t help that those dreams won’t leave her. From the moment she said ‘I do’, all she could see were blue eyes staring at her with sadness. Garrus hides it well, she’ll give him that, but she’s not an idiot. She saw him that day. The way he would shift his body, and the look on his face as he talked to Tali.

She remembers telling them how important they were to her, and how happy she was to have them in her life after catching them kissing in the battery.

There was a pain in her heart then, but she couldn’t be upset with him moving on when she decided to be with Kaidan instead of him. It was a hard decision, but she had to do it, right? Kaidan was the one she fell in love with during the Normandy SR-1 days. She died, came back, and never contacted him after. She cheated on him after their fight on Horizon, instead of remaining faithful! Kaidan deserves to be happy after what she put him through.

Not her.

Not Garrus.

There is a moment of pain at the thought of the turian. Remembering the times they shared, and the moments of genuine trust towards each other. No, she didn’t love him then, but he was her friend, first and foremost. A friend she never expected to grow beyond just that, a friend.

The laughing and smiling she would do after meeting the turian. She was skeptical at first since she was a racist towards other species of the galaxy. Growing up on Earth can do something like that, but in time, he grew on her.

Jokes became flirts. Punching lightly became light touches. Eyes with platonic looks became…more. The wetness between her legs, and nights of touching herself with the very thought of his talons deep within her body as he takes her. His tall and large body claiming and taking control of her shorter and smaller body.

Those emotions; those feelings were hot and heavy with lust. Something animalistic, alien, and unknown that she knew she craved.

Although he was a turian, there was something about him she wanted, but knew she couldn’t have. Because he’s a turian and she’s a human…it just wouldn’t work. The Alliance wouldn’t allow that, and she didn’t think the Hierarchy would allow it either. Maybe in secret?

No, not after her XO, at the time, caught them in the act, then reprimanding her of the dangers of being with a turian.

_“The Alliance would be disappointed, Commander Shepard.”_

Commander Shepard hates to disappoint the Alliance.

So, she settled with someone she cared about and was human. Someone the Alliance would approve of, Kaidan Alenko.

Garrus was only lust after all.

At least, at the time.

It’s not like she doesn’t love Kaidan, because she does. Kaidan is amazing, someone she is glad to have in her life. The day they had sex before Ilos was magical, and she never expected to connect to him as she did.

When she told him she loved him, she meant it. When she told him to leave her so she can save Joker, it was out of love because the thought of losing him was too real and too hard to handle.

The very first thought when she woke up from dying was Kaidan, wondering if he got out alive. There was a very real love and obsession to finding Kaidan, but she knew the galaxy had to come first, and so she worked with the asshole himself, The Illusive Man.

Then Horizon happened.

_“You turned your back on everything we believed in, you betrayed the Alliance, and you betrayed me.”_

It was the hardest thing to ever hear come from his mouth, and her obsession was broken while her love for him was shaken. Days went by when she would cry alone in her room, wondering what else to live for. She never had a family since she grew up as an orphan on earth. Never felt the love for other men on earth as she did for Kaidan.

Those words were tearing her apart.

Because, she really did love Kaidan.

After Horizon, things were hazy; she would drink herself into a stupor. Cut her arms like no tomorrow, and would try to storm into the fight like a reckless idiot. Because what was the point in living, right? It’s why she did what she did.

Why she went over the edge and into the dark abyss.

Then Garrus had to slap the shit outta her.

It wasn’t random; it was during one of their sparring sessions he’d been trying to get her to do with him for a while. He was bigger, taller, and stronger, but she was faster, nimble, and flexible.

She could take him.

Their dance was hard, powerful, and hot. She needed it, wanted it. He would reach for her, and she would jump away with a smirk on her face. Moving her body to the best of her ability, as he tried to tame her. It wasn’t easy, because she wasn’t easy. She was hard as a rock, and he had to work for it.

And work he did.

He spoke about a tiebreaker between him and some female turian she didn’t care about. What she did care about were those animalistic feelings she had two years prior to her death. She wanted to know if turians were as dominant as they looked.

“Harder!” She gasped, as he groaned, clutching the sheets for dear life and ripping them as he took her from behind. He pounded harder into her, and she gasped, needing more of that. Biting the sheets, her eyes closed in concentration feeling her body getting to the end of this hot ride.

“Shepard.” He growled, reaching down between her legs and rubbing her clit, just the way she liked it.

Her eyes rolled. “Fu-fuck…Garrus.” She moaned, feeling her body getting hotter, and wet with sweat.

He had wanted to wait until the suicide mission, but fuck that. She wanted it now, and to her surprise, he wanted it to.

His slick tongue licked at her back, causing her to shiver, and she gasped, feeling herself cumming on his alien cock. Garrus slammed into her long and hard, claiming her entire body for his, Mordin’s warning out the airlock as he released himself deep within her womb.

Shivering from her climax, she groaned when feeling him pull out of her, and back inside himself. She panted, as he laid on top of her. There was a fear that he would crush her, after all, she called him ‘Big Guy’ for a reason. Standing at a giant's height of seven foot one, her height paled in comparison at five-ten; but he didn’t crush her, instead, he licked at her neck lightly biting her.

A turian affectionate way of saying something she wasn’t ready to hear.

Yet.

They were on the floor, with half their bodies on the bed. His large arms were holding her in place as he continued to lightly bite and lick at her. Her head was on the bed, feeling exhausted at their activity, but glad to let go of all of that pent-up frustration in her body.

When he stopped licking and biting her, she frowned at missing the clear sign of affection. He didn’t leave her body though, which made her happy. Garrus still laid on top of her, now just breathing softly in the dark cabin.

Lifting his body, he helped her onto the bed, and she sat in front of him as he continued to kneel before her. “Mya,” he starts, and she hums, as he laid his head on her thighs, closing his eyes. “Is this the only time?” He whispers as he placed his long arms on the bed.

“No,” she whispered with a smile on her face, running her hand on his fringe, knowing how sensitive it was to him, and how much it told him her feelings.

Days, weeks, months, a year passed before they could take down the Collectors, and in that year, so much had changed between her and Garrus.

Everything was a game of who was better until it ended with them holding each other. Garrus had nightmares of his past, and she would be there. Mya would sob in the night thinking of her death, and he would be there.

Dying wasn’t easy…coming back was harder. There was something about dying and coming back that really bothered her. The feeling of the end as she lost air and the an ache in her chest that would never go away. She remembered…she remembered her last thought of being a little girl and looking up in the sky to see a ship fly by.

She didn’t want to die, but she did.

Coming back was hard because she knew she died and lost a part of herself. Everything had changed and she didn’t know how to handle it. So many…days trying just to breathe, because, in her mind, she couldn’t.

“It’s okay,” he whispered, rubbing her chest. “Take your time and breathe, Mya.”

Tears ran down her eyes, “Garrus.” She whimpered. “I…I don’t think I…can.” She gasped.

“You can.” Their hands entwined, and she squeezed. “Come on, Mya,” he whispered again, and she took a long deep breath. “There we go.”

She closed her eyes, and smiled softly. “Thank you.”

He reached for her cheek, and lightly rubbed it. “You’re welcome.” And they kissed under the stars.

Her heart wouldn’t stop beating so fast whenever she saw his mandible twitch, or when his eyes would look at her. His light touches on her back during missions, or his awkwardness at a joke to cheer her up. The rough, hard, wild sex became soft, long, and sensual. Their chemistry was something that they couldn’t deny, and their lust became something more…

It became love.

Then an asteroid hit a Mass Relay she couldn’t stop, because if she did the Reaper was going to come. She had to…let it happen. She did warn them! She warned the Batarians of what’s going to happen. She tried to help!

But that didn’t work…and so many died that day. It haunts her even now. She was a failure, and it was just the beginning.

The beginning of letting her guilt drive her decisions.

So, when Kaidan said she cheated on him with Garrus…she believed it. His email was harsh, but he didn’t break up with her, right? So, she was in the wrong.

That’s why she told Garrus no for the first time in her life. There was a pain in his eyes, but he didn’t physically show it. They stopped talking, stopped being close, and she didn’t realize it was causing her so much pain mentally and physically.

Until seeing him with Tali.

The night before the mission with The Illusive Man with Kaidan was nice, a fairytale to the end she thought was going to happen to her, but it felt hollow. He was kind, said he was sorry, and that he loved her, and she loved him.

But, it just…was not like before.

Every time she closed her eyes, blue eyes stared at her. Every time she saw a turian, she hoped…it was him. Every time she was alone in the bedroom, pleasing herself, his giant body was once again above hers.

So….why say ‘I do’?

Simple, because she repeatedly tells herself: after what she put Kaidan through, he deserves to be happy. She shouldn’t have cheated on him with Garrus. Should have tried harder to contact him. She just wants to make things right. There is so much guilt when it came to Kaidan, and to leave him seems…so wrong.

So, she stays with him.

Even if she gives him half-smiles.

“Why stay with someone you don’t love?” her therapist, Janet, asks.

Mya sighs, leaning back against the chair, closing her eyes, and trying to hide under her too large hoodie. She hates when Janet asks her this question because she answers it all the damn time. Why keep asking the same damn question, if the answer is the same!?

“Because I do love him!” She glares, under her hoodie.

Janet rolls her eyes. “If you loved him, you wouldn’t be complaining about him here.” She shakes her head, “It’s as if you are suffering through this marriage, and that isn’t what marriage is.”

“Oh? Because you are an expert, huh?”

“No, but I have been in my fair share of relationships to know if I love someone or not.” She frowns. “It’s one thing to complain about the annoying thing your lover does, but it’s another thing when you are telling me that you rather be alone than to be around your husband.”

Mya feels a weight on her. Did she really say that? It does sound as if she wants nothing to do with Kaidan, but that’s not true…no of course not.

“I…I didn’t mean that.”

Janet looks at her. “Now you feel guilty again, and shove your real feelings inside.”

Mya glares. “Look, I’m trying okay. After the death, it’s been fucking hell.”

Janet nods. “That’s also something I want to talk about.” She puts away her omni-tool, “How do you feel, Ms. Alenko.”

“Please…call me Shepard.” _Mya Alenko isn’t…she’s not here right now._

She nods again. “Shepard, how are you?”

Mya looks down as tears form in her eyes, but she hates emotions and wants nothing to do with it. What good does crying do anyway? All it fucking does is show weakness, and she’s fucking Commander Shepard! Commander Shepard shows no fucking weakness!

“I’m fine.”

“Shepard.”

She glares. “I said I’m fine!” she snaps, shoving her hands into her pockets.

There is a moment of silence, and Mya feels relief at not having to hear her talk anymore. She feels fine; there is no reason to talk about what happened. The more she talks about it, the more she wants to take her fucking shotgun and blow people's heads off.

An alarm goes off, and both women look over at a clock. Mya grins, knowing it’s time to leave, and now she can go about her business.

Janet sighs, “It’s time for us to end, but please, Shepard. We need to talk. It’s the only way to get through what you have been through.” She gives her a pitying look.

“Yeah, sure.” She mutters and leaves the office.

Walking the streets, she starts to remember the days of her youth. Always hoping and praying to be adopted into a nice home so she can be happy. When that didn’t happen, she blamed herself.

She always blames herself.

“One pack,” she whispers, and the clerk over the counter looks behind him, taking a pack of cigarettes down.

After paying for her cigarettes, she lights one up, and walks, giving anyone a look if they so want to talk to her. Breathing out the smoke, she looks ahead with tired eyes, wanting a drink. Walking into her favorite bar, she takes her usual spot. Her usual drink is given to her, and she nods at the waitress who says nothing to her.

There is a reason why it’s her favorite bar.

Being Commander Shepard is exhausting, and just something she doesn’t want to deal with right now. So many people want autographs, asking her what’s it like to come back from the dead, and when will she have kids.

The last one always stings, the second one would cause a panic attack, and the first one makes her want to punch someone in the face.

When did she become so…bitter?

She sighs, drinking more, and asking for another. There was a time she was happy when she would laugh and sing along to silly songs, dancing in her weird way.

She was happy.

_“I’m sorry, Garrus.” She whispered as she watched him swallow hard._

_“Did any of it mean anything to you?” His voice cracked, and it hurt even worse._

_She looked away from him, “Garrus, please.”_

_“Tell me, Mya. Did any of it mean anything to you?”_

“Ma’am, do you want another?” The waitress smiles.

Mya stands, a little sluggish. “No, I think I had enough.” She leaves, seeing the night air of Earth, and inhaling while keeping her balance.

She tries to smile.


	2. Settling

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> He feels free

Garrus woke up to her screaming and thrashing around in a panic, and shot up to see her holding her throat as if trying to stop herself from breathing yet trying to breathe at the same time. Quickly, he was rubbing in between her chest, trying to get her to calm down. It wasn’t something a doctor would recommend when someone was going through a panic attack.

However, it was something that helped her.

“Breathe,” he whispered, trying to help her calm down. “Breathe for me, Mya.”

She took a deep breath and calmed down, to his relief. Her brown eyes looked at him with fear and sadness; he could already see she was upset with herself for feeling that way. He touched her face softly, and she whimpered, trying so hard to hide the tears that wanted to rush out of her eyes.

“It’s okay, Mya,” he reassured her, and she sobbed, finally letting go of the emotions she was trying to hide.

If there was one thing she loved to do, it was hiding her emotions. Multiple times people would ask if she’s okay, and she would automatically say she’s ‘fine,’ but he wasn’t an idiot. At least not after seeing her bleeding in her cabin shower after cutting too deep one day.

After that day, he made sure never to ignore the signs.

_“What would the galaxy think if they find out I’m a cutter?”_

He remembered her asking him that question, laughing bitterly while on an IV, and it pissed him off. Not because she cut herself, he wanted to fix that. It was because she was thinking of what the galaxy would think of her instead of her health.

It didn’t matter what the galaxy thought. What mattered was if she was okay. What mattered was her getting the help she needed.

Even if that help needed to come during the war.

Sadly, it never happened. The Reapers were a massive undertaking during that time, and she never did get the help she needed, but at least they were able to take down the Reapers!

Right?

He never knew if she got the help she needed after the war, because she chose Kaidan, and he couldn’t stomach looking at her anymore. It was petty, it was jealousy, and it was stupid.

But he was heartbroken, and seeing them together was too hard.

That’s why he decided to start a relationship with Tali. She told him she liked him before the final mission and explained she always had, but never voiced it because he always had his eyes on Shepard. Feeling broken and dejected…he kissed her.

There was no spark, but he hoped there would be…like with Shepard.

When she opened the door, in his head he wanted to die on the spot. Tell her it wasn’t what it looked like, and repeat over and over how much he loved her. Outside though, his face was solid stone, showing no emotions, because if he did, she would feel guilty, and he knew how much she would beat herself up over it.

“You guys have been with me through it all, and I wanted to thank you,” she said, but he could hear the emptiness of it. Her eyes screamed at him how broken she felt at seeing them like this, and because he was a piece of shit, a sick thought passed by him, happy that she felt that way.

It was wrong, but he was broken too.

***

There are screams all around; blood of all kinds splattered everywhere. Somewhere, a tearing sound happens, and he turns to see a brute holding a turian, ripping them apart. There is so much blood.

So much fucking blood.

“So, how is Tali, son?”

Garrus blinks, trying to retrace his mind to what his father just said. Here he is, talking to his father about life, and instantly he’s back in the field, watching people die by reaper forces. This isn’t the first time, nor will it be the last. Something like this happens all the time, and sadly, he just can’t help it.

It’s why his hands tremble when holding his sniper. It’s why he tends to quickly breathe, trying to tell his mind, ‘you’re not there anymore’. Blood has always been a problem since his Omega days. When his team was betrayed and he was forced to see his dead team splattered everywhere. Limbs and bones, blood, and guts.

They were fucking everywhere.

There were times he would wake up in a panic; feeling frozen to the core, wondering when his time was coming. Then a soft hand would lovingly rub his chest, causing his breathing to calm down. A kiss on his mandibles would happen after the hand; then a touch on his thigh with a whisper of ‘it’s going to be okay’, and soon a warm body on top of his.

Her soft warm lips would play on his mouth. It was awkward at first, but they quickly got into the gist of kissing each other. Turians are not kissers, they use their tongues as affection, but kissing isn’t something they do since it requires lips.

His body would take her body and plan multiple things to do. Lick, bite, spank, and even going as far as to use his talons on her. Her blood, when it appeared because of him, would turn him on for some reason. She was not gushing blood, but there was blood that formed from the scratches; and she would moan, begging for more pain, and he would happily give it.

He misses her so much.

“Son?”

He coughs. “Yeah, sorry.” He straightens up. “Tali is good. Haven’t seen her in a while since she’s working a lot on Rannoch.”

“I see.”

There is quiet again, and he welcomes it. It’s not because he doesn’t want to talk to his father. On the contrary, he does. It’s just been hard lately to talk to anyone. It’s been six years since the Reaper War, but the effects of it continue to plague the galaxy. The suicide rate has been extremely high, depression has hit everyone and there are so many broken families.

“I’m sorry, dad. It’s been hard.”

“I understand.”

“How’s mom?”

“Mom is good.”

Another silence. It’s just how they are. So much can be spoken about, but it’s not as if his father is his therapist. It’s always been small talk, small sentences to get right to the point. Usually, his mother makes him open up and speak.

That he welcomes.

“Solana?”

His father sighs. “She’s working overtime lately.” He coughs. “I think you should talk to her, or maybe your mother?”

He nods. “I might visit mom. Would be nice.” He looks down. “Not saying you aren’t good enough, dad. It’s just-”

“Hard?”

Garrus nods.

“Don’t worry, son. Talking isn’t our best trait when it comes to both of us together.” He laughs. “I don’t see myself as a bad parent because you can’t talk to me.” His mandibles twitch slightly. “Just know.” Their eyes met, “If you ever need me. I am here.”

Garrus nods and whispers a thank you. The vid call is over, and he lays on his bed wondering about what to do next. He hears kids laughing outside, and he looks through his window to spot turian and asari children, having fun. If there is something in this galaxy to make him feel better, is the sight of children just living their lives and having fun.

Orphans are everywhere, and people are adopting like crazy lately. The next generation wouldn’t have to worry about the galaxy ending, and that makes him feel better. Sure, he suffers from horrible PTSD, but it’s worth it to see a new galaxy. What the Reapers wanted was to take life away in their horrible design, and not allowing people the opportunity to just live.

His mental state isn’t so great, but he’s healing.

Turning on a screen, he yawns and swipes through the channels mindlessly. Suddenly, he's watching a newscast of a turian woman speaking about her experience of a new thing that has been created after studying the dead Reapers.

A surgery that women of certain species could have that would give them a child with their significant other that isn’t of the same race. Mainly turians, humans, and qurians.

 _“When my little one was born. I was shocked and couldn’t even believe it.”_ Her mandibles flitch happily. _“He’s three right now.”_

The child appears, smiling and happy, and to Garrus surprise, looks normal? It’s odd to say it, but this galaxy is full of races. Just because a new race is born doesn’t mean they're unnatural and should be killed or something.

It just is.

“Cute,” he whispers as the turian female talks about how difficult it can be to raise him, but the doctors are helping him.

The ‘hurian’, doesn’t seem to have too many problems. They live a relatively normal life from the look of it, and they are happy. Hurians are rare, only two qumans in existence, and only there are a few turian-quarian mixed children.

Still, this surgery is a work in progress.

There have been so many deaths from it that it just doesn’t seem right to do it, but sometimes people are desperate and look for it. They want to have a child with each other that they are willing to go through the risk.

Just, why?

There are orphans they can have with each other. Why go through a process that could kill them? It’s a twenty percent chance that it can actually conceive a child, but when a person sees a happy child, such as the one on-screen, they convince themselves to do it.

It’s stupid, but it’s not his life, so who the hell is he to judge.

***

After leaving the academy, Garrus heads to the local diner for a nice dinner and drink looking to unwind after teaching calibrations to his students. It’s a good job for him after taking himself out of the military. He doesn’t have to hold a gun in his hand, doesn’t have to see blood everywhere, and can still teach people how to work on a ship, operating the guns.

He could feel his age on him as he takes a seat and calls for a waiter to take his order. People are walking around him, and outside the diner he’s in. There is a calmness to it all, and he enjoys it. The door opens and he spots James. Before Garrus could call him over, as he goes to find a seat of his own, James spots him.

With a smile on his face, James walks over and greets him. “Hey man.” He takes a seat.

Garrus nods. “Hey.”

“How you’ve been? Work kicking your ass?” He chuckles.

“Work has been okay. One of my students tried to cheat on a test.” He leans back and crosses his arms. “I taught them what it means to do something like that.”

James chuckles. “Damn, I hope he or she wasn’t too humiliated.” He grins.

“I made sure not to hurt her feelings too much.” Garrus chuckles. “I know how humans are with their feelings.”

“Hey, you take that back.”

They laugh, enjoying the time they have with each other in the moment. James still works in the Alliance as an N7 and Garrus is proud of him. They were combat buddies in war once, and Garrus will never admit it to James, but he looks at him as a younger brother.

They start to talk about what’s going on in their lives, and how Garrus feels stuck. James points out that he should talk to Tali and just break it off, but Garrus doesn’t want to hurt her feelings. Although, staying in this relationship is going to ultimately hurt her.

Tali just isn’t Shepard, and after years, it’s clear she will never replace her in his heart.

“Have you spoken to Lola lately?” James asks, taking a bite of his food.

Garrus shakes his head. “No, not really.” He takes a sip of his drink. “After the wedding things kind of went south, and I don’t talk to her.”

James frowns. “Still?” He sighs. “Come on, Scars, she means something to you, and you to her. I know you want to be with her, but can’t you just be her friend?”

He looks down. “I tried, but all I could do is get angry and jealous.” He rubs his fringe. “I want to move on, but it’s hard.”

James tsks. “Man, it’s been years. Can’t use ‘it’s hard’ anymore.”

Garrus glares at him. “Don’t you think I try?”

“If you tried, you wouldn’t be in this position anymore, now would you?” He looks at Garrus.

There is a tense moment, and Garrus can’t look James in the eyes. He feels angry with himself for letting his love and obsession with Mya Shepard take control of his life. But is it so wrong of him to want her to just be truthful? To stop with the fucking masks and hiding behind what others want her to be?

He’s studied her long enough to know who she is...long enough to know...he could have helped her as he did before. Helped her see she doesn't have to be Commander Shepard during or after the war. Helped her break free of her mask just like she did when they were working with Cerberus.

When she was true to herself.

Mya Shepard.

But, it doesn’t matter, does it? Because, like a damn jealous fool, he pushed himself out of her life. All because he couldn’t handle seeing her with Kaidan, letting her fall deeper behind her masks to the point Myana Alenko was created.

Pathetic.

“I repeat.” James frowns. “Break. Up. With. Tali. Let her go, Scars, because she deserves better, and you know this.” He glares at Garrus, pointing his fork at him.

Garrus sighs, feeling the guilt in him build up. James is right, Tali deserves someone who would love and protect her. Not someone who doesn’t want to see her often, and thank the spirits when she can’t come see him.

He does care for Tali, just not the way she wants him to care for her. Tali is young, and even if she changed during their two years after the Normandy blew up…taking Shepard with it. Tali is still young, and he sees her as a sister.

Now, when they started to date, he didn’t see her as a sister. He saw her as a woman, but also someone he needed to use to get Mya out of his mind. It’s horrible of him to do that, but at least he’s kind to her, right? He made sure to never scratch her during their coupling, and he was never rough with her.

He really does care for Tali.

Just not like he does for Mya Shepard.

Mya was, and is, the one he only wants and loves. What they had was something that he knew wasn’t going to just delete itself from existence. Even after the day she said ‘I do’, and she became Myana Alenko, the day he told himself he was finally going to let her go, and move on with Tali.

However, he never did.

He would always see her eyes, staring with sadness as she gives half-smiles to everyone congratulating her and Kaidan. He could see the pain as he danced with Tali, and her with Kaidan. When their eyes met, he could feel their connection, and he knew.

She loved him.

And he loved her.

Why couldn’t she just let herself be happy, and stop trying to please everyone? It’s just in her nature to put everyone else first instead of herself. He wasn’t going to tell her what to do. He tried, and it backfired with her yelling at him to let her go, and to forget her.

She said sorry, but what he really wanted to know was:

_“Did any of it mean anything to you?” His voice cracked._

_She looked away from him. “Garrus, please.”_

_“Tell me, Mya. Did any of it mean anything to you?”_

_“No.” She couldn’t look him in the eyes, because he knew if she did, she wouldn’t be able to lie to him like that._

_He knew from her stance, her voice, and her tense shoulders._

_She was lying._

_However, he wasn’t going to push anymore. He wasn’t going to force her into a position that could only cause more pain for both of them._

_He was just going to let her go._

_“Okay,” he whispered._

***

“Garrus,” she whispers as he sighs after sliding into her. His eyes are closed, and he lets himself just feel her.

It isn’t what he wants, but his body is working with what he can take. Tali’s arms are around his neck, as she kisses his hide, and he grips the bedsheets. Their bodies collide and mesh, as he continues to push himself deep into her.

Tali is a beautiful qurian. If anything, all qurians are beautiful, but her beauty can only take him so far while they have sex. Instead, he pictures dark skin, and brown eyes, with black hair. Her lips open, moaning his name into the night.

“Spirits.” He grunts, pounding harder into her, not noticing the pain he’s causing the woman beneath him.

His body starts to move wildly, wanting nothing more than to enjoy the rough sex his body misses having with her. How her fingernails would dig into him, causing him to groan in pleasure. She would bite him just as much as he would bite her.

They were wild and he loved it.

“Garrus.” She gasps, and he grabs her thighs, bringing them up, not realizing that they’re not as flexible as his fantasy would want it to be.

“Garrus!” The fearful voice stops him in his tracks, and he gasps, pulling back to see that he used his talon on Tali, causing her to bleed.

“Fuck! Tali, I am so sorry.” He gasps, rushing to the medical cabinet to get her meds.

She’s shaking on the spot, looking at him in fear when he comes with the items. Seeing her fear, makes him stop in his tracks because she is crying.

“Tali.”

“I…just give me the meds, Garrus.” She sniffs, and he hands her what she needs.

Everything is quiet, and he doesn’t know what to say. The guilt of getting too rough with her is weighing him down, but he couldn’t help it.

If anything, he’s been starving for some rough action now.

Tali is too delicate, and it’s pissing him off that he can’t do the things he wants. Even if she gets the needed fixes to her body because of the geth, it just doesn’t matter. Tali has been conditioned to take good care of her body, and rough sex, the way he wants it, isn’t something she can just take.

“I’m sorry, Tali,” he whispers, but inside he’s glaring at her for not giving him what he wants. _Shepard would love me to do those things._

She sighs. “I…I think we need to talk, Garrus,” she whispers, patting the bed.

With a nod, he sits down, waiting for her to lecture him about her delicate skin, and how he needs to be more cautious when it comes to her. They broke up before because of it, and it wouldn’t surprise him if they broke up again because of it.

She’ll just come back anyway.

“We’ve been together for years now,” she starts, looking at him, “and there have been breakups, and make-ups.”

He doesn’t give her any emotions on his face, because he doesn’t know how to react right now. He knows he’s being selfish, but he feels annoyed right now.

“I think it’s time to officially break up.”

This makes him look at her in shock because this sounds final.

“You don’t want this relationship, and honestly, I don’t want it anymore either.” She sighs, rubbing her bandage, “I’m not getting what I want from this relationship.” She frowns at him, “I deserve to have someone who loves to talk to me. Someone who wants to be with me.”

She continues, and Garrus can feel the guilt weigh on him more and more. He’s been unfair to Tali, and it’s his fault.

“Doesn’t help that you want her… not me,” she whispers.

“Tali.” He can’t continue. Just looking at her sad eyes is killing him inside. He feels even worse that just a few minutes ago he was angry at not getting what he wanted sexually from her.

She stands up and puts on some clothes. “We’re done. Garrus.” She looks at him, and he nods. He doesn’t say anything, and it seems to hurt her more.

Without another word, she leaves, and he continues to sit there, looking at the spot she was just in.

The worst part is him feeling a sense of relief at her breaking up with him. A weight that was on him has finally lifted and it feels wrong to feel it because Tali clearly cared about him. However, he can’t deny this happy feeling. Something that he’s been fighting for so long because he wanted to not hurt Tali.

He feels free.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If you haven't realized yet, I like 'Hurians', and they are going to be a somewhat normal thing in this post destroy universe Or any of my future and current stories I am not ashamed. After all, it's the whole reason why I started writing lol. 
> 
> If you would like to see the visual representation of what they will look like here you go:
> 
> [Taliara by Lily-girl414](https://www.deviantart.com/lily-girl414/art/Taliara-WIP-345356340) Here is the link to her artwork of a hurian, and check out the rest of her work, it's amazing trust me.


	3. Broken Shell

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> God, his voice is attractive

There was pain first, and then there was some blood, but the main symptom…

Was no movement.

“Kaidan!” she screamed, and the door to their bathroom opened to a panicked Kaidan, wide-eyed, looking at her.

“Mya?” he asked.

She explained what happens, and they called their doctor, as Mya Alenko continued to cry. With concern, Dr. Michel told them to come in. As they drove to the hospital, Mya hummed a soft lullaby while rubbing her stomach. Hoping for a kick, just one kick to know.

If their baby is alive.

For years, Kaidan talked about a family, but she just didn’t want one. She wanted to keep being Commander Shepard, the savior of the galaxy. At least that’s what she told him.

In truth, she just didn’t want a family with him.

The thought of a family with Kaidan meant she would be completely tied down to him. Their kids would need the support of both him and her. No more fantasies of blue eyes, and sharp talons. No more fantasies of someone pulling her in his heavy and strong arms, while whispering ‘I love you’ and ‘I’ll protect you’.

To have a family with Kaidan would be the true end of what she wanted.

“Why…why is there no movement?” She cried in the hospital room, wanting the nightmare to be over, and to go home with a clean bill of health. She was due in two months, how could this happen!? She took everything that she needed to take, went to the classes, read the books.

She did everything right!

So, what went wrong?

Kaidan held her hand and squeezed. “It’s going to be okay…the…the baby is going to be okay.”

She cried. “My baby…my little one.” Her eyes were trained on her stomach, willing for something. “Please…baby…please,” she begged, sobbing her eyes out when there was no response.

He kissed her hand and looked at her with sad eyes. Dr. Michel brought them towards the right area to be looked at.

It wasn’t long before the doctor told them what happened, and that they lost the baby. They induced labor, and she gave birth. Holding her tiny baby in her arms, she cried softly, wishing for anything right then. Take her life over her baby. Anything, please…anything.

They named, clothed, and took photos with their baby. She cried the whole time, struggling to breathe. How could she? Her little one…was gone. Kaidan cried as well because even he wasn't strong enough to stop the tears. She tried so hard to stop crying, but she couldn’t. The tears kept flowing and after some time…they said goodbye.

It rained that day, as she sat in the hospital room. Myana Shepard always hated hospitals, and she always hated Earth. So, to be on Earth in one of its hospitals was just insulting.

The door opened and Kaidan walked in with flowers and a small smile. She could see the disappointment in his eyes, and it hurt. She…failed…

There was no preparation for this loss. It just happens. Then it was done, and she had to deal with it.

They had to deal with it.

After a week, she was sent home with her things, and she felt hollow as if she was a ghost. Her baby died, just as she did, but it never came back. What really pained her was how devastated she feels at losing her little one.

She overcame so much, but she couldn’t even do the basic need of what every female could do, give birth. There was more trauma to add to her trauma, and she hated it. It was after they buried her little one.

That Myana Alenko died.

“Let me make you something to drink.” He gives her a half-smile, and she sits down not even looking at him. “I know it’s hard right now, but we can get through this.”

_Is that for me, or you?_

He makes some coffee, and she takes a small sniff. Feeling nauseous, which forces her to push it away, until she remembers the nauseous feeling when she was pregnant, and once again, she feels depressed. Almost wishing to have that effect again.

Although she wasn’t happy about starting a family. The little one grew on her as it grew in her, and it made her happy as time passed on.

But it doesn’t matter anymore, does it?

“I’m going to check some emails, Mya,” he whispers.

_Sounds like you want to run away._

She nods, and he leaves. Is it wrong that she’s happy that he left?

Standing up, she goes to make some tea, humming a little to herself.

Arms circled around her…alien arms circled around her, and she smiled at the peace. Turning around she saw his blue eyes looking down at her, as his mandibles twitched in happiness.

“Is that for me?”

She giggled. “Nope, this is for me, Big Guy.” Reaching up, she kissed his mouth, and he hummed.

“That’s unfair, I demand you to give me what I want.” He chuckled as she slapped his shoulder.

“Only in the bedroom.” She winked and turned around.

Before she knew it, he was picking her up, and she gasped, screaming for him to put her down before the crew saw them. Without hesitation, he carried her to the elevator and then to her cabin.

Tonight was her night.

Opening her eyes, she grabs the tea kettle and pours the water. Coffee isn’t her thing anyway, she much prefers tea.

Sitting at her computer desk, she starts to type away wanting to see what’s new in the galaxy. The qurians are asking for an embassy, again, on the Citadel. The krogans have created another school, which is nice. Garrus wanted to see how-

“What?” She clicks on the email and reads it.

_Hey,_

_I know things are still weird after the wedding two years ago, but I still care about you, Mya. I want to make sure you are okay because there have been talks about you…looking depressed._

_Please tell me you’re not cutting again?_

_I learned that human females have depression when they are pregnant, and I’ve seen you depressed._

_Look, I’m sorry if it seems…intrusive, I just want to make sure you are okay._

_Garrus._

She stares at the words, reading the email repeatedly as her heart beats quickly. It’s been so long since she spoke to him. They didn’t end in an argument; they just stopped talking, because the feelings were too real.

Blinking away some tears, she starts to think of replying, but then she hears Kaidan talking to someone on his omni-tool. She doesn’t hear what he’s saying, but his voice reminds her who she is with, and who she shouldn’t be with.

Deleting the message, she stands up and walks towards their bedroom, but stops in front of the door. She doesn’t want to be in there right now.

Turning to the right, she walks her way towards the guest room and climbs into the bed. There is a sense of relief at not being able to pass by the baby room.

_When are we going to…clean it up?_

She doesn’t know when they will, but hopefully soon…or never. Honestly, she doesn’t know if she can clean it up.

Her hand touches her stomach, there is still some baby weight there, and it hurts.

_Failure, I am a failure._

Crying herself to sleep, she feels his arms wrap around her, taking her body into his.

***

The stillbirth was six months ago, and ever since then, Kaidan’s been on her case to try again. It’s not as upfront, but it’s subtle.

Such as last week's argument. They were eating dinner quietly, and Kaidan made a remark about wishing there was a child to discipline. She said to stop, and he did, but he brought it up how their success chance for another was higher. She told him it doesn’t work that way, and he brought up what the doctor said. She said ‘fuck that doctor’, and everything went downhill from there.

Right now, she is smoking, a normal thing to do now that she is retired, and living off royalties. At least that’s what they want her to say. In truth, she broke down one day, and they haven’t trusted her with a gun since.

Living life as Commander Shepard isn’t as great as it used to be. So, now she’s just Myana Shepard, but after the Reaper war…after meeting that AI. She’s just been paranoid of it happening again. Such as when someone talks about a new tech because of studying the Reapers, she loses it.

“Shepard.”

Turning around, she sees Miranda smiling at her.

She nods. “Hey, Miri.” She coughs, before putting out the cigarette and sighs, leaning back against the bench. Children are running around with water guns. _If only._

“How are you these days? Feels like we don’t chat as often.” Miranda watches the children as well.

“Yeah, it’s been hard these days.”

She frowns. “I’m here if you want to talk. You are my friend, Shepard.”

“I know, and I would love to talk, but I just want to relax.”

A cool breeze passes by them and Mya allows her mind to wonder about everything in her life. With a sigh, she reaches for her pack again and takes another one out, lighting up and inhaling.

“I know lung cancer isn’t a thing anymore.”

Mya side-eyed Miranda.

“But, smoking still isn’t great.” She fans some smoke from her face.

Flicking some ash, Mya says, “It helps me…what’s the word?” She snaps her fingers. “Cope.” She inhales again. “But, enough about me, what about you? How’s work?” She gives a lazy smile.

“Work is good.” Crossing her legs, Miranda smiles. “Although, could use a break.”

It’s quiet again, as Mya finishes her cigarette. Leaning forward, she feels another headache and sighs at the pain. There is a pop, and she jumps up as her heart starts beating fast. Miranda reaches out for her, but she slaps her hand away as she clutches her chest.

“ _Breathe_.” She hears him say, feeling his hand rubbing her chest, “ _Breath for me.”_ She inhales, looking around to see a few people looking at her strangely. Taking a seat, she’s shaking, and looking for another cigarette.

“Shepard.” Miranda frowns.

Mya shakes her head. “You…don’t understand Miri,” she whispers, lighting her cigarette, “Loud noises…God, fucking hate...loud noises.” She inhales sharply, allowing the nicotine to overflow her system, and she sighs.

“I understand.” She sighs. “Sometimes whenever I see my niece and nephew. They are playing until something hits me.” She closes her eyes, “I can still feel the bullet from my father….and I just panic.”

Mya sighs and inhales sharply again. Her legs shake as she tries to stop the explosions in her head. It’s not just one thing; it’s all the explosions in her life. From the Normandy SR-1 to the collector base, and then the fucking beam run.

Explosions are something she can’t handle anymore, and it sucks.

“You look so unhappy,” Miranda starts, looking at her friend who has dark circles on her eyes and looks…hollow. A broken shell of herself. “I remember when you were so…full of life.”

Mya laughs bitterly. “Full of life? Isn’t that because you brought me back?” She glares, finishing her cigarette.

“No.” She sighs. “Even after you got back; you were full of life. You were the one to bring everyone together, and get shit done.”

“That was Commander Shepard.” She glares. “Now…I am Mya Shepard, and I am a failure.”

“You’re not a failure.” She touches her shoulder. “I know it’s been hard lately, but you are not a failure.”

She shakes her head. “Then why do I feel like one?”

“Because you are going through a lot right now.” Miranda sighs. “It’s been six months, Shepard. I know it must still hurt even now.”

Shepard looks at her and frowns. “It doesn’t. I’m fine.” She looks for her pack and realizes she’s out. “Fuck,” she whispers.

“How’s Kaidan?” Miranda crosses her arms.

Mya rolls her eyes. “He’s fine. The last I talked to him was a week ago after he gave me breakfast in bed as a sorry.”

“A week ago?” She frowns. “As a sorry?”

She glares. “He brought up wanting children again, and I shut him down.” Clutching her knee, “Why can’t he understand I am broken? It was always going to be hard because of how different my body works!” she shouts, feeling angry that she can’t have a cigarette right now.

Miranda lays her hand on her shoulder again. “I understand.”

“Do you?”

Miranda chuckles. “Have you forgotten I am the one who reconstructed you back to life?” She smirks but stops after seeing Mya’s dead eyes. “Look, I understand your body is different from most humans, but Kaidan wants a family, Shepard. He’s going to push for that.”

“Well, I failed at giving birth to one, so why…” She sniffs, “Why even try. I don’t…” She glares, stopping herself from shedding a tear. “I don’t want to try again. The first time was painful enough,” she growls.

It’s quiet once more, and Mya welcomes it. To think more about Kaidan is killing her inside. There is so much guilt when it comes to Kaidan because she knows she's holding him back from giving him the family he craves. There is also guilt in daydreaming of a blue-eyed turian every day just to keep going.

Even the times they have sex. Wanting Kaidan to be ‘happy’ she puts herself in this fantasy where she’s underneath her turian, as he drives himself deep inside of her. Taking every bit of her body over.

And over.

And over.

“Shepard.”

Mya snaps out of her thoughts and hums. “What?”

“Have you talked to him?”

Mya narrows her eyes.

“Gar-”

“No.” She looks ahead. “And I don’t plan to.”

“Shepard.” Miranda frowns. “He’s worried about you. You shut yourself from the world ever since the-”

“Don’t say it.” Shepard quickly cuts her Miranda who nods and looks away.

“I think you should talk to him,” she whispers, “ever since we met on the Normandy SR-2…”

Mya looks at her.

“He’s always the one to get you to open up, and be yourself.”

***

He’s grunting as he pounds into her, and she hates it but stays quiet. For the past five minutes, she’s been trying to get into her fantasy, but his grunting is stopping her, pulling her out of fantasy.

“Harder,” she pants, just needing something.

“Going…as hard as I can.” He grunts, and she glares while on her hands and knees, holding the sheets.

They are both sweating from the activity, but it isn’t satisfying. He’s not bad, but it’s not what she wants.

“Hit me,” she gasps quietly, but this causes Kaidan to stop.

“What?”

She sighs. “Hit me?” She turns back to look at his confused face. “On the ass? Maybe thighs?”

She could see him visibly look at her weird, before nodding. She turns back around, readying herself to get spanked by her husband. He slaps her ass once, and she moans, feeling that spark again.

“Yes, again.” She moans as he slaps her again. This is it! This is what she needs, what she wants.

He’s getting into the rhythm now. Pounding into her hard as ever, just the way she wants it. She moans his name, happy to finally feel that hot spark that she needs again with her husband. Who needs fantasy when you have the real thing?

He grunts and she frowns at the sound, but she focuses on him spanking her. She can feel it building up in her, just needs him to keep spanking. But it isn’t enough, she needs more.

“Dig into me, Kaidan,” Shepard pants.

“What?” He groans, feeling his end coming.

“Use your fingers to dig into me.” _Like a talon, please just dig into me._

Kaidan does what she wants, but it just isn’t enough, she needs more.

“Harder,” Shepard gasps, and he does it harder. “Harder!”

He stops and pulls away. “Okay. I can’t with this Mya.” He glares, as she sighs, sitting on the bed looking at him. “What is this? This isn’t you.” He frowns.

_But…it is me._

“I’m sorry, Kaidan.” Mya lays on her back, opening her legs. “Won’t happen again.”

He stares at her, still frowning before shaking his head, and running his hand through his hair. Without a word, he leaves the room unsatisfied and tired.

Ten minutes go by, and she still has her legs open just lying there. Mya’s mind races, angry she let that happen, and she feels like a failure for not satisfying her husband. A pang of guilt for wanting something she knew couldn’t happen, but was hoping for it anyway.

With a sigh, she closes her legs but feels horny anyway. She shivers at her sensitive clit, and instantly, she’s in her fantasy. She feels his large hands opening her legs as he bends down to lick at her swollen clit.

She moans, throwing her head back as he continues to take her with his tongue. The more he pays attention to her clit, the more she shakes, feeling ready to explode. His tongue is long and able to wrap around her bud, using his tongue to pull and push onto it.

“Yes.” She groans as her body arches up. “Yes!” She gasps as his long finger dips inside of her, “Please, please, please!” she begs.

“Come for me,” he whispers, and she relinquishes all power to him, falling to the bed, cumming.

Her hands pull away from her pulsating clit, and wet gushing pussy. She can still see him watching her with the eyes of a predator, wanting his prey. Taking her fingers, she pushes them inside of her mouth, and sucks, wanting him to know just how much she wants him.

When she wakes up the next morning, Kaidan left a note, telling her he has plans for them later. With a heavy sigh, she makes her way towards the window and starts to watch people go about their day. Taking her pack out, and lighting a cigarette, she inhales and blows the smoke out of her mouth.

***

His voice was attractive.

Deep.

Sensual.

Mature.

That was the first thing she realized about him after dying and coming back. The way he would talk, and present himself to the room. He had a weird feeling about him, which made her gravitate to him in more ways than one. Never in her life, had she thought a turian could look so damn good, but he convinced her otherwise.

He was a leader, someone who people listened to get shit done, and she sensed it the day she met him on Omega.

It had been two years, and she’d been dead, or in a coma, for it all. During that time, he managed to change so much. Gone was the C-Sec officer looking to take down Saren, and now a battle-hardened vigilante, named Archangel.

“Never thought I would see you again,” he said in disbelief, but he didn’t dismiss her and instead worked with her. She trusted him to lead the second team twice on the suicide mission, and she would do it again in a heartbeat.

That uncontrollable lust she had for him exploded as he kept sane under pressure, and told her what to do sometimes during missions. It was a bit embarrassing, but she did thank him for having her back and watching out for her mistakes.

It was after their first time, she would thank him in multiple ways. Ranging from sparring and morning blowjobs to wake him up. To friendly kisses on his mandibles, and hot rough sex. His ‘bad boy’ take was a turn on oddly enough. She didn’t feel she should like that, seeing how she was a grown woman, but how could she stop herself from wanting him?

She was not some ‘good girl’ by any means. Her time as a gang member on Earth told her so. When she became the Butcher of Torfan, that told her so. Her ruthless decisions when it came to choices during her career as a Spectre told her so. She would kick ass, and laugh at the same time.

Plus, she was always attracted to him, but Omega changed him into something else that made him more mature, more…gruff.

And she loved gruff.

A smile breaks out on her face as she watches the water from afar. She should take a nice smoke break but decides not to because right now on this vacation, it’s nice. The water, the air, and even the crashing of the rocks make everything magical before it.

It’s nighttime, of course, but she doesn’t mind the cold, because honestly, fuck it. The cold keeps her awake, yet sleepy at the same time. It’s a weird thing to feel, seeing how she has insomnia, but it’s not so bad.

Her feet go into the sand, taking in the softness of it. Her fingers dig into the sand, and she lifts it, watching as the sand flows from her palm. It’s beautiful, and she missed this. Beaches are always something that has helps to calm her.

It was nice of Kaidan to do this for them, and she thanked him for it by giving him a blowjob and having sex with him. While he’s knocked out, she made her way to the beach, enjoying her alone time.

When she sees a broken shell, she picks it up and frowns, wondering where its other half is. A presence makes itself known to her, and she pauses her inspection of the broken shell, annoyed that someone decided to ruin her solitude.

She spins around, getting sand all over her person while staring at a grey scaly hide, and turian feet. Slowly, her eyes travel up past all the muscles and battle scars, right into blue eyes. She could see the age in him, but he still looks attractive. Looking at his eyes, he looks tired, almost sad, and lonely like she has been feeling for the past few years.

“Garrus.” She whispers, with shock and happiness something she hasn’t felt in so long.

He’s perfect.

Turian bodies are not something that can change much. Even if their bodies have form metallic exoskeleton because of evolution, she could see the ‘muscles’ of Garrus. He still has a slender body, not like that will ever change, and his fringe looks to have grown a little longer. As for his height, still a damn giant, and being in this position makes her feel small.

God, she misses feeling like this. As if, he could crush her at any moment with his large body.

His large, warm, protective body. Taking her to places, she never expects to see again. Making her scream for all to hear. Having her beg to be his and only his. Experiencing his talons digging into her, causing her to bleed, as she cries out from the pleasure and pain.

If she could just…

“There is beauty here at night.”

God, his voice is attractive.


	4. Loose Cannon

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A goddess too good for him

When Tali said, “We’re done, Garrus.” It was a liberating moment for him to just go wild.

“Yes, yes, yes!” Some female he didn’t know the name of screamed, as he pounded deep into her, using his talons at his leisure, as she begged him for more pain.

It was easy to get a woman to have sex with him when he was one of the legends who saved the galaxy. All he needed to do was sit down, look a girl in the eyes, and say:

“Hey, I’m Garrus Vakarian.”

Instantly, women would give him what he wanted, what he needed. It was why he had a different female in a different location, in a different position, begging him to keep fucking her. He knew himself, and knew how to ‘tame’ women like the ones he was taking each night. He made them feel nice and safe, and teased them a bit to gauge what they were into.

If they were too innocent, that was a hard pass.

If they were too dominant, that was also a hard pass.

It wasn’t as if he didn’t like dominant women. He’d had his fair share of being in a submissive role, giving the women what they wanted him to give them. If anything, he liked being submissive sometimes, because honestly, being dominant could get exhausting.

So, take control, have fun, but don’t think he’s a slave. The last thing he wanted was some woman to stick their fucking finger in his slit again because they were the one who was ‘in control.’

No, they weren’t, and it was a hard pass. Get some other turian to stick a finger in their slit.

No, Garrus liked them just right. Leaning more on the submissive side, but could take control when the time called for it.

Like, for example, the human female sitting across the aisle from him as he took a nice drink from his alcohol. Work had been slow and boring, and he was looking for something to excite him. The female that was in front of him was small, but looked feisty. She had a smirk on her freckled face while looking almost innocent.

Almost, which meant perfect.

Their eyes met, and there was a hint of lust behind them. He didn’t say anything, or move. They usually came to him. Instead, he drank, waiting for her to do something. Ten minutes went by, and there was nothing from the pretty girl with the freckled face. So, he cut his losses and tried to get another female to talk to him.

“Hey.” She smiled at him, as she took a seat.

They always came to him.

“Hey.” He looked her up and down. “I’m Garrus Vakarian.”

***

“Lola is pregnant,” James said, drinking his soda.

Garrus blinks, feeling something in him that he didn’t want James to see. Here they were, just having their weekly talks since James was on shore leave, and he told him that. Something twisted in him, wanting nothing more than to see her suffer after breaking his heart.

He swallows because no, he didn’t want her to suffer.

“That’s good. I’m happy for her.” It was weird saying those words and having them sound so hollow.

James hummed. “She’s been really down lately, though. I feel something is wrong with her, but she keeps saying—"

“I’m fine?”

James nodded. “Yeah. How’d you know? You finally talked to her?” He looked at him weirdly, while taking a piece of his burger.

Garrus sighed. “I’ve known Shepard for years, and it seems she still hasn’t changed,” he whispered. “She always says ‘I’m fine’ when that’s farthest from the truth.” He bit into his own ‘burger’.

James groaned. “Man, Lola needs to talk to someone. Liara said she goes to therapy, but it doesn’t seem to work.” He bit into his burger again, swallowing with a big gulp. “She also said Kaidan’s been worried about her, and the baby.”

“How far along is she?”

James hummed. “I think twenty-six weeks.”

Garrus' eyes grew wide, and he put his burger down. “What?”

She’d been pregnant for that long, and he was just now finding out.

Although, they hadn’t talked since the wedding, and he usually got information about her from Tali. It just seemed so odd to find out about it so late. Forty weeks was how long humans lasted in pregnancy. If she was twenty-six weeks, she’d been pregnant for months, seven to be exact.

“Yeah!” James shook his head. “They were hiding it out of Lola’s request, but Kaidan’s been so really worried about her, man. I’ve seen depression kill so many people already.” He looked at Garrus, who seemed to be deep in thought.

Shepard was depressed.

The first time he saw her depressed was when Kaidan said those horrible words on Horizon. It broke her to pieces and he wasn’t the only one to see it. The drinking, the short temper, and the…cutting.

The cutting was the worst part.

“Shepard?” He walked inside the cabin, noticing how destroyed everything looked, but his main objective was trying to find her. EDI spoke about Shepard doing something to hinder her life, and he was quick to get to her.

There was only silence, and he panicked, looking around the dark cabin some more. It wasn’t until he heard the rushing water of the shower that he rushed to the bathroom to see her on the floor, wide-eyed.

With blood everywhere.

Flashes of his team’s death repeated in his eyes. He failed to save them from their death. He failed to be there to protect them, and now, he failed to be there for her.

“Shepard!” he screamed, wondering why she would do this.

Her dark brown eyes slowly looked over at him, and all he could see was how hollow she looked. A smile was on her face as she looked at him, giggling as he tried to stop the bleeding. He screamed for EDI to get Dr. Chakwas up there, and felt even more upset that EDI didn’t tell the doctor first.

“I’m sorry, Garrus. I was in shock, and only thought to tell you first,” EDI said, and he could hear the emotions in the AI’s voice.

It really was becoming sentient.

Shepard kept giggling in his arms, as he rocked her back and forth, making sure to hold as much blood inside. She started to whisper something, but he couldn’t understand what. When he got closer, what she said pissed him off.

“I’m so worthless,” she whispered.

When the doctor came, they cleaned her up and placed an IV in her arm. It was quiet between the two, and they figured to not bring her downstairs, where people could see what was going on through the window.

He was the commanding officer for a while as she recovered.

No one asked what happened, or why he was leading missions for a while. If they had asked, he would have told them she was sick and was recovering. Most of his time was spent watching her come back, wondering what he could do to stop her from doing that again.

How could she cut herself like that?

What made her so depressed that the only thing she could think to do was to…do that?

Then he thought about Kaidan, and from there he hated him. Garrus wasn’t one to show emotions; on the battlefield, there was no reason to let his emotions take control, because people’s lives depended on him doing the work.

Even during the war, he knew he needed to work on keeping himself balanced when faced with the possibility of working with Kaidan. When he heard Kaidan was in the hospital, he silently was happy about it for what he put Shepard through.

For what he caused her to do.

He knew she was being too hard on herself, but after coming back from death? Having to work with the enemy? When all she wanted was to work with the Alliance again. Tough choice after tough choice, and Kaidan couldn’t fucking understand that she wasn’t going to be mentally right? He bitched about what she did to him, but what about what he did to her?

“I can’t…breathe.” She struggled, as he rubbed her chest.

“It’s okay,” he whispered as she struggled to breathe even more. “Take it slow, and follow me.” He inhaled and exhaled, trying to reteach it to her during that panicked state. When she finally could breathe again, they were back in bed. She was sleeping, while he held her protectively.

He hadn’t died before, but Shepard had, and to watch her suffer, after coming back to life hurt. She died by suffocation, and most nights, she just couldn’t breathe. It was as if she was reliving that pain, repeatedly.

Spirits, he wished to take the pain away from her.

Once home, Garrus sat in his chair for a while, watching a screen, but he wasn’t paying much attention to it. The words of James telling him that Shepard was depressed haunted him.

And pregnant.

Forget his jealousy of Alenko. Forget his undying love for Mya. Forget his sadness.

Mya was pregnant, about to bring a child into the galaxy, and was suffering from depression. If there was anything he could do to help her have a smooth birth and to enjoy her life with a newborn, he had to do something.

But he couldn’t just spring up on them on Earth.

He had to take it slow, and wait for her to say something to him first. Coming out of nowhere would cause a lot of drama and it just wasn’t worth it.

Not when she was pregnant.

Taking out his omni-tool, he wrote up an email for her to read. Once she replied, he could gauge how to react, and help her that way. Having friends can come a long way, and he was grateful for the people in his life. He couldn’t be her lover, but he could push aside his anger and be her friend.

The baby deserved it.

She deserved it.

They deserved it.

_Hey,_

_I know things are still weird after the wedding two years ago, but I still care about you, Mya. I want to make sure you are okay because there have been talks about you…looking depressed._

_Please tell me you’re not cutting again?_

_I learned that human females have depression when they are pregnant, and I’ve seen you depressed._

_Look, I’m sorry if it seems…intrusive, I just want to make sure you are okay._

_Garrus._

***

Silence.

That’s all he got.

Silence.

There was a wave of anger in him for her ignoring him, and he couldn’t keep himself from lashing out.

How?

By having sex, that’s how. It was the only way to let go of the aggression, the anger, the disappointment in her not talking to him. Was it so hard to tell him, ‘hey, I’m doing okay, and the baby is okay?’

No?

Well, fuck that.

Months seemed to roll by as he went through this rage and drug-induced, sex-addicted phase in his life. Every night he was calling up another girl to his apartment, and having his way with her. Sometimes he didn’t even make it and fucked them in his car. Other times, he just fucked them in the place where they were.

It was so easy! Women were so damn easy. He took down his hard no’s such as ‘too innocent’ and had his way with innocent women. The ‘too dominant’ women were put in their place to his fulfillment.

There was no submissive side of him anymore. Any woman who wanted to fuck him must submit to him. Sometimes they would cry, but he didn’t listen. Sometimes they would call him an asshole, but he chuckled and told them to get the fuck out of his home.

He was losing himself to his darkness.

However, he didn’t fucking care.

He slapped the woman under him in the face and started to choke her. She had tears running down her eyes, as she grabbed his arms tightly as if wanting him to stop. He glared, as he squeezed harder against her neck while slamming his cock deep into her tightness.

He let go of her neck, and she gasped, and screamed his name into the night, cumming like the slut she was while gulping for lost air. He growled, ripping the sheets with his talons as he came harshly into the condom.

They were breathing hard after their activity, and Garrus fell to his side, closing his eyes. His body was exhausted, but his mind wouldn’t stop spinning with images of what he really wanted.

“That…was amazing.”

He opened his eyes, seeing Mya, but blinked, realizing it was just the woman he just slept with.

He hummed, turning on his side to get up and use the bathroom. “The door is over there, in case you didn’t know.” He grunted, sitting up straight.

“Wait, what? That’s it?” She frowned.

He sighed. “I just want sex. I’ve been through this enough times.” He looked over his shoulder. “There is nothing else I want from you. You can go now.”

She pouted, and his mind flickered to Mya again. He hated how much they looked alike, how her brown skin and her deep brown eyes matched Mya. There was too much of her, and it was driving him insane.

He stood up to leave to the bathroom.

“You called me Mya.”

He stopped.

“And since you are Garrus Vakarian.”

He looked over at her.

“You see Mya Shepard in me.” She looked him dead in the eyes, and he glared.

“No, I don’t. You’re nothing like her.”

She smirked. “That’s a lie.” She stood up and slowly walked to him. The height difference was throwing him off because Mya was this short compared to him.

He swallowed. “I want you to leave.” He narrowed his eyes.

“Let me be your Mya,” she whispered, touching his chest. He wanted to jump back, but she looked so much like her.

“No,” he sternly said, cursing his mind for putting him in this position.

She didn’t say anything, because she didn’t have to. Her brown eyes told him she knew she had him. She whispered for him to take her as he took Mya, telling him she was Commander Shepard. His obsession, his love, his heart yearned for Mya again, and he couldn't stop himself from falling into her trap.

So, she became his Mya Shepard.

***

“I’m late.” She sighed, laying her head on the pillow, looking at him.

He paused and looked at her weird. “What?”

“I said I’m late.” She frowned. “I’ve been waiting for my period for some time now and—"

“That’s not possible.” He glared.

She sat up. “Well, it is.” Laying her hand on her stomach, she said, “There is a little one in me, and you’re the only person I’ve been with.” She smiled.

He rolled his eyes. “You can’t be pregnant, because you are a human, Mya.” He glared.

She pouted. “Still calling me Mya.”

He stood, quiet, and looked away. How the fuck could she get pregnant? Yes, they were having sex unprotected, but that was because she said it was okay, and when ‘Mya’ said it was okay, he went along with it. If anything, it was only so he could feed into his fantasy that she was his Mya Shepard.

But how the flying fuck could she be pregnant?

Unless…

His eyes grew wide. “You got the surgery?”

She sighed, bringing her knees to her chin. “I just want you to care about me, Garrus. I’m tired of being your Mya.” She frowned. “I want to be who I am.” She reached for him. “Your lover.”

He slapped her hand away and rushed to put clothes on. “You are not my lover.” He glared. “Put your clothes on, you’re getting an abortion.”

“What?”

He growled. “I don’t want to father a kid with you!”

“How the fuck dare you?” she screamed, rushing out of the room.

He heard her grab something, and he ran out to see her with a gun in her mouth. Tears were running down her eyes, and she was looking straight at him.

“Spirits woman, what the fuck is wrong with you?”

She cried. “I’m not getting an abortion!” she muttered, with the gun in her mouth.

Okay, things had definitely gone off course. That crazy-ass woman was really trying to kill herself in his apartment, because he wanted her to have an abortion.

Fuck.

Fuck!

He panicked, seeing her tremble. She was bluffing, right? She wouldn’t do it. Her fingers began to press, and she closed her eyes, to end her life.

Flashes of Mya smiling and giggling with blood running down her arm, as she told him she was worthless, and he dropped to his knees.

“Please, I’m sorry. I’m sorry. Let’s have the baby, let’s have the baby,” he begged, and watched as she lowered the gun.

She sobbed, and dropped to her knees, holding herself. He took a hold of her, and held her in his arms, shaking her back and forth.

Just like the time he held her in her cabin shower.

He couldn’t lose Mya like he almost did when she cut herself. He just couldn’t. So, if this baby was what she wanted, then so be it. He would have this baby with her.

As long as she didn’t kill herself.

A month passed, and Mya had him shopping for the baby. It was still too early, seeing how they didn’t even know what sex it was, but he followed her around and did what she wanted. He still didn’t have her move in with him, because he wasn’t ready. But he said he would be there for her. At the moment, she lived with her mother, and that arrangement was just fine.

“What do you think?” She smiled, holding up the baby shirt. “Cute, right?”

He nodded, and she giggled, going back to shopping.

“Are you looking for hurian items?” An asari smiled at them.

Mya nodded. “Yes.” She smiled brightly. “We don’t know the sex yet, but we’re going to look either way.”

She nodded. “Well, there are some baby items for hurians over here.” She pointed to a location that had a sign for hurians. “Hurians need special items as they grow.”

“Thank you so much!” Mya giggled and Garrus thought about choking her so she would stop giggling.

As she looked around, Garrus took a seat, looking miserable. It wasn’t until he heard a chuckle from an old friend that he turned his head to see Jack.

“Shit, I can’t believe your ass is here.” She laughed, taking a seat by him.

He shrugged. “Yeah.” He paused. “Wait, why are you here? Are you…?”

“Shit, no!” She laughed again. “I’m here to return some items.” She looked down with a sad expression, and it worried Garrus a bit.

“Why’s that?”

She looked at him in shock. “You don’t know?”

He shook his head.

“Shit.” She sighed, playing with her hair.

“Does this happen to deal with…M—Shepard?”

She looked at him with a frown on her face. “Yeah…Shepard…she…she lost the baby, Garrus.”

His world started to erupt, as his body felt weightless.

She…lost the baby.

She lost the baby.

How was she? Was she okay? What was she doing right now? Was she cutting again? He tried to speak, but he couldn’t, and Jack patted his back.

“Look, I have to go, Garrus, but it was good seeing you again. It’s been a while. We should talk more.” She gave him a half-smile. “I need to return this. Hopefully, I can. Seeing this thing is killing me inside,” she whispered, walking away with a baby swing.

As she walked away, Garrus felt this horrible weight on him, as he thought about Shepard. All he ever wanted after hearing of her pregnancy was for her to be happy. Was it his fault? When he wanted her to suffer, he took it back! He didn’t want her to hurt. He…he just wanted her to be happy, damn it.

“You know, I don’t want to buy anything here yet…hopefully during the baby shower someone would get it for me.” Mya smiled at him, but frowned at his expression. “Garrus, everything okay?”

He looked at her, and nodded. “Yeah. Let’s get out of here…Angela.”

She looked at him in shock for saying her name instead of ‘Mya,’ but didn’t question it.

With a big smile, she grabbed his arm, and they left the store.

***

_Hey,_

_Can we talk?_

_Garrus._

He stared at the message, but refused to send it. Instead, he deleted it, and knew he would retype it again, anyway. In the kitchen, Angela made some food for both of them, humming to herself. He’d been trying to be a good boyfriend, a good baby father, but he just didn’t want it.

Didn’t want this.

He could already hear James telling him to let her go. But how could he?

She was pregnant.

They ate silently because he liked it that way. He could tell she was trying to figure out a way to talk to him, but he didn’t entertain it.

She coughed. “So, are you excited for the ultrasound tomorrow?” She smiled, and he grunted. “Seriously, Garrus?” She frowned.

He sighed. “Can we just eat?”

She glared at him. “How can you be so dead? You should be happy about having a baby right now!”

He sighed again.

Again with that damn argument. Instead of entertaining her bitching, he ignored it, hoping she dropped the damn thing because he wasn’t happy.

Well, she wasn’t going to.

“I can’t believe you would fucking do this to me.” She stood up. “I cook, I clean, and I fuck you. I do everything to make you happy, and you can’t do this one thing for me?”

He glared. “You fucking tricked me into getting you pregnant!”

“Seriously? That’s what pisses you off right now? I got pregnant; we’re having a baby, Garrus.” She started to tear up.

“Don’t fucking cry. No one told you to get the damn surgery. We never agreed for you to get pregnant by me!” He stood up. “I’m not hungry anymore.”

“Oh! Yes, please go ahead and fucking leave me to clean up, again!” she screamed, but stopped, holding her side.

“You don’t have to, if anything you can just leave! I don’t even want you here!” he shouted until he saw the pain in her eyes. “Angela?”

“Garrus….” She doubled over, falling to the ground. “Oh…god,” she whimpered.

_“Yeah…Shepard…she…she lost the baby, Garrus.”_

“Fuck!” He panicked, and picked her up, quickly making his way out of the building to his car.

Sitting in the hospital, he sighed in anger at himself. He should have been more considerate of her position. To have her lose the baby…fuck that’s not what he wanted. He didn’t want a child with her, but he didn’t want her to lose the baby!

“Mr. Vakarian?” the salarian doctor called out for him.

He nodded. “Yes?”

“Your wife is healing and you can see her now.”

“Oh, she’s not my wife.” He coughed. “How’s…how’s the baby?”

“Baby?” The doctor tilted his head. “She’s not pregnant, but that is what I wanted to tell you.”

“What?”

The doctor sighed. “It’s what we warn people before they have the surgery,” he muttered to himself before looking at Garrus. “You see, Mr. Vakarian, one of the side effects of the surgery can cause a build-up within her uterus—”

Garrus glared. “Where is she?”

The salarian was taken aback but pointed to where she would be, and Garrus made his way into the room. When inside, he was ready to yell at her, but she looked at him and cried. That stopped him in his tracks, and he felt sorry for her.

“I…the baby…it’s gone.” She cried.

“Well, there is n—” Garrus stopped the doctor, and sat by her side.

“It’s going to be okay, Angela.” He grabbed her hand, and she sobbed harder, telling him she was sorry for being a failure.

It broke his heart, knowing she really thought she had a miscarriage. It made him realize how hard Shepard must have had it, because the time he found out about her pregnancy was when she was seven months. To lose a baby so late in her term must have been devastating.

***

It’s been a month since Angela, and Shepard still hasn’t contacted him. During that month, he gave up waiting for a message and took care of Angela. Eventually, he told her she wasn’t pregnant, and it broke her some more, so her mother told him to get the fuck away from her daughter and never to be seen again.

He did just that.

Now, he spends his time working at his job, calibrating, and just allowing his mind to heal. There is no more partying or drinking, or sex for a while since he doesn’t want what happened with Angela to happen again.

Thinking about Mya still breaks his heart to this day, and knowing she lost her baby is hard for him to digest. He wants to make it up to her but knows that’s not going to happen seeing how she won’t even email him back.

That’s why he’s decided to take a vacation, away from his damn place, and to just learn to be happy again.

Learn to let her go, and move on.

It’s nighttime on this planet, the best time to be at the beach. Something about night feels great to him. Maybe it’s because of the nice feeling of cool breeze, or the ambient noises around him.

Nighttime anywhere is just beautiful, and it makes him feel normal.

As he makes his way to the beach, he can see the crashing waves and the wet sand. It’s not the ideal thing in the world, because wet sand on his body fucking sucks, but the beauty is to die for. He remembers the female drell hostess telling him of this beautiful, and romantic spot that he should look into.

He doesn’t mind that she was kind of flirting with him, insinuating she wanted more from him, but he did say thanks and left her pouting. He wants to go there for the beauty, not for the romance. To him, romance is dead, but he can still enjoy the beauty of it all.

All he needs is a nice, relaxing—

He stops in his tracks because he knows that smell anywhere. When he sees her back, he knows that back anywhere. He’s had sex looking at that back multiple times; he even used his talons on that back. That back would be the warmest thing to ever touch him as he held it close to his heart.

Her tattoo of a phoenix rising from the ashes is still on that back.

He remembers taking her to get that tattoo.

He remembers biting

licking

touching

rubbing

that fucking back.

She spins around, and he feels his heart race at the sight of her beautiful brown eyes, her cute nose, and amazing lips.

“Garrus,” she whispers, and he couldn’t take his eyes off of her.

She’s changed.

He notices she doesn’t have short hair anymore to fit in her helmets. She’s not as fit as she used to be, and he doesn’t see her hiding behind a mask. She doesn’t look like Commander Myana Shepard anymore. She isn’t Commander Myana Shepard anymore.

She’s Mya Shepard.

Her hair is long and curly, blowing in the wind. Her body is larger, with a small waist, large thighs, and to his delight, larger breasts. Sure, she isn’t fit and beautiful anymore like Commander Shepard.

However, she’s curvy and beautiful.

As Mya Shepard.

The waves behind her crash with the large moon above. The scenery makes her look like a goddess of the moon before him.

“There is beauty here at night.”

A goddess too good for him.


	5. Reconnection

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Garrus came back to her, and she doesn't want to let go

There is something about him that always pulls her towards him. As if there is a string that keeps them connected. She knew if she were to see him again, she wouldn’t be able to keep up the wall she had built for him.

Such as right now, where she wants to fall into his arms and never leave.

“So,” he starts.

“So,” she whispers, making sure not to look at him because she doesn’t trust herself in his presence.

He doesn’t say anything, and it makes her sad. Maybe she should look at him, and gauge what he is thinking. Just a small turn of her head to see—

And he’s looking back at her.

Fuck.

She can’t keep her eyes off his. It’s as if an invisible force is pulling her closer to him. She can feel the heat from his body, always engulfing her. His eyes soften, and she gasps, pulling away from his hypnotizing gaze.

“What…what are you doing here?” she asks, looking back at the crashing water.

He doesn’t say anything, but she can feel him still looking at her. Her heartbeat quickens, and she shivers from the cold breeze hitting her skin. Before she knows it, his arms are pulling her into his lap, and his hot body is generating so much heat, she feels herself break out in a sweat.

“Garrus.”

“You’re cold,” he whispers, and she feels herself melt in his arms. “Just want to warm you up is all.”

She can feel his breath on her neck, tickling her, and making it so hard not give in to her lust.

Or love.

“I’m with Kaidan.” She whimpers, knowing that she needs to leave his arms, but she can’t, or doesn’t want to.

“I know,” he murmurs, and she can hear him inhale her scent. “I just want to keep you warm. I won’t try anything, I promise.”

She swallows and nods.

“Okay.”

That’s the wrong answer. Mya Alenko would never be like this! It should have been ‘No, we can’t! Let me go.’ But she isn’t Mya Alenko right now.

She’s Mya Shepard.

And Mya Shepard…can’t do it…doesn’t want to do it.

Being in his arms feels refreshing, something she’s been craving since their ‘break up’ on the Citadel.

He holds her tighter, and she allows herself to fall into her desire to be held by him. She sighs softly, laying her head on his arms. His head rubs against her, and she bites her lips at feeling him. Shifting her body, she moans softly as he stiffens a little, feeling the flex of his muscles.

“You…never answered my question.” She sighs, feeling the wetness between her legs. “Why are you here, Garrus?” She bites her lips, wondering if he’s keeping tabs on her. She knows their friend group is still somewhat close, and what she does, he would know if he asked around.

He sighs. “I’m here on vacation. Something happened, and it made me realize I needed a break from it all,” he whispers in her ear.

Her entire body is on fire from the heat from his body. The more he holds her the more she feels herself slipping.

Yet, she doesn’t push him away.

“I heard,” he whispers, and she can hear the sadness in his voice. Instantly, she knows what he heard about.

There is a pain in her chest as she can feel the tears build in her eyes, but she doesn’t want to show her pain. She is Commander Shepard, not some crying emotional wreck that can’t handle…that can’t handle.

“Talk to me.”

Her head looks up at him, and their eyes meet again. Her lips tremble, and his hand holds her chin. She shakes her head, not wanting to say anything, wanting to hold it inside. “No, I’m fi—”

“No, you’re not.” His eyes burn into hers, and inside her mind, she is quickly trying to build the walls up again, trying to pull Commander Shepard back.

However, Commander Shepard is powerless against his gaze.

There is a reason why she doesn’t want to let anyone in. She doesn’t want to burden anyone. She doesn’t want to tell them the truth. She doesn’t want to put herself before them. People would look at her oddly, wondering if she doesn’t want to do these things.

Why do them?

She can’t explain.

She's too scared...to explain.

Too scared of falling into despair at the depressing memories she has after being abandoned as a child on Earth.

Too scared of reliving the painful memories of doing whatever _they_ wanted as _they_ gave her the attention she believed she deserved.

Maybe it’s because, behind the mask of Commander Shepard, she lacks self-worth or esteem.

Commander Shepard, sometimes she fucking hates when people call her that. It’s only a damn mask! She wants to scream. It’s only a persona! She wishes to tell.

Commander Shepard is a charismatic, badass who gets shit done. Even when the going gets tough, she’s going to do it.

That racist is causing problems? She’ll handle it. There is a massive doomsday device ready to kill everyone? She’ll handle it. That reporter is getting on her nerves? She’ll punch them.

It started out as a mask she had to learn to put on after facing disappointment after disappointment…after disappointment. 

Then when she joined the Alliance, it hardened and became Commander Shepard, but after she died.

It’s draining to keep up.

Especially around a certain turian, still looking into her eyes as if peering into her soul. There was a time when she could open up to Kaidan, but things have changed. Every day she tries to fix that issue, become the best wife ever to an amazing man whose name is Kaidan Alenko, and she did it! She became Mya Alenko. She isn’t perfect, but it’s what Kaidan wants.

But not what Mya Shepard wants.

Ever since dying, there has been only one person in the galaxy she would cry to and let go of the mask of Commander Shepard. One person, she can open everything to and admit her feelings. She hates to admit it, but he’s the only one to make her happy, too.

“Garrus.” She sobs, and he lays his head on top of hers as her hands grab onto him for stability. She doesn’t know how long she's crying, but she just can’t stop, and he holds her while whispering soft words.

“It’s okay. Let it out.” He moves a piece of her hair from her face and wipes the tears from her eyes.

She hiccups. “I'm a failure, Garrus. I'm a failure at becoming a m-mother…” She gasps. “Losing my little one-” She cries harder, not able to breathe anymore.

The pain is so hard to put into words. There is pain when she is shot. There is a pain when seeing a friend pass away.

But, losing the life your body was supposed to create…

Everything hurts, and she doesn’t know how to make it stop.

Crying is giving her a headache, so she tries to stop, but seeing the pain in Garrus’s eyes makes her continue. There is more pain there besides losing her baby. It’s as if her life is drowning deep into the abyss just like when she died. Nothing makes her happy anymore. Food has no taste. Everything is dead to her, and she can’t make it stop.

Maybe that’s why the baby died; because she’s dead inside. How can a woman create life when she is dead inside?

The answer is she can’t!

She can’t create a life if she, herself is dead. Every day she wakes up wondering when her final breath will just happen already. Take her life as whatever did her baby.

She doesn't deserve it anyway.

“I can’t….I can’t stop crying.” She sobs, with her wet nose, and puffy eyes. She wants to just go back to calm Commander Shepard, but she can’t stop letting Mya Shepard out.

Not with Garrus around.

“It’s okay, Mya,” he whispers, and she can see him visibly swallow. “I don’t want you to hold it inside. Just let it all out for me, okay?” He lays his head on hers again, but this time their eyes continue to look at each other.

“Okay.” She sniffs and cries.

“I know we haven’t talked in two years, and I am so sorry.” He has a look of guilt in his eyes. “But I promise never to leave you again. I promise to always be here for you, no matter my feelings. I just want you to be happy.” His eyes soften, and she can see the love in them.

The love she shouldn’t want or need, but does anyway.

“Garrus.” She inhales. “Thank you.”

Finally, the crying dies down, and sitting sideways on his lap, she has her head on his chest, noticing a small creature making its way into the ocean. A smile is on her face, and she wonders if it’s going to live a long and happy life.

His protective arms are still around her while his hand softly rubs her back, and she can hear the hum and bump of his heart in his chest. She looks up to see him looking at the ocean quietly. His eyes are somewhere she doesn’t know, and she reaches up to touch his face. 

Slowly, his head turns down to her, and his mandible twitches behind her hand. He reaches with his hand and takes it into hers.

There is a spark.

Reconnection.

Both their eyes look at their entwined hands, and Mya stares at them with happiness. Something she hasn’t felt in so long until she realizes.

She’s married.

"Garrus, I...I can't-"

"Come back to me?" His eyes look broken, just like that day. "You know, you're the only woman who never comes to me." He bitterly chuckles.

She swallows feeling jealous of other women who had him.

She wants him for herself.

"I always came to you. I always begged to stay, and for you never to go."

He stares into her eyes and reaches for her. 

"You are everything to me."

His eyes are intense and she can feel the pull again like all the other times before they broke up. He is too close, his body is too close, and her mind is trying to get her to run away because just like multiple times before.

He's right, he always came to her. Hell, even this faithful meeting looks as if he came to her. It's not as if she doesn’t want to go to Garrus, because she very much does! She wants to run away, and live out her fantasy of being Mya Vakarian. Have the things she desires and wants, with and from him.

Give in to her wants and desires, and let Garrus have everything of her.

Her mind

Body

And soul.

But, she...can't.

_"You can't? Or you won't?"_

_I can't because I'm married!_

Pulling away, she tries to stand, but he pulls her back and holds her. "I'm sorry if I scared you, please don't leave me." He whimpers, "Please, don't go...please...stay a little longer, Mya." He begs, 

There is a small fear that he's trying to control her again, trying to guilt her once more into staying with him. But, she couldn't believe how...vulnerable he is right now. The only time she has seen him like this...was when they broke up.

She tries to speak, but no words came out as he sighs in her hair.

"Okay, Garrus." She hugs him tightly, telling him she won't leave.

Plus, he doesn’t want to let go of her, and she doesn’t want him to let go either.

Garrus was never forceful to her. He was just...controlling at times, and would manipulate her in the past. It started after they became a thing during their Cerberus days, and it got worse after she told him she's 'wants' to be with Kaidan. When they started sneaking around, she felt a lot of guilt during those days and would give herself to him whenever he brought it up.

But, he never forced her to do something she doesn't want. Yes, he pushes her sometimes, but if she says no...she means no, and he respects that. 

There were ups and downs in the relationship, but she still was in love with him.

Still is in love with him.

She wasn't perfect either.

There were times she would manipulate him herself using her depression. Sometimes going so far as to threaten suicide during their Cerberus days. It got much worse after her choice, where she became horribly passive-aggressive, especially whenever he was back with Tali, or blaming him for her own mistakes and choices in life.

They were perfect for each other. 

But, they were toxic for each other.

Their toxic behaviors didn't start when she choose one path over the other. It was always a little there, but once she went back to Kaidan, it amplified the problems.

Still, if she could just...go back in time and picked the path that she wanted over the path she thought was needed.

Things will be different.

“Ever just wish to go back?” she whispers, and he hums.

“Yes.” He pulls his head up and looks into her eyes. “And No.”

She lays her head on his chest. “Why?”

He sighs. “Yes, because I miss…everything, even the bad times.” He looks at her, and she can feel his heartbeat pick up, or is that hers? “No, because I wouldn’t be who I am today.”

She looks at him quizzingly.

“I know I’ve made some horrible mistakes, but I don’t regret my life. Not anymore.”

She swallows and looks away from him. “I regret my life.”

“Don’t say that,” he angrily says, and she sighs. “Your life is beautiful, Mya.”

“It was beautiful, and then I fucked it up with the choices I made.” She frowns. “I deserve to suffer after the things I have done." She sniffs. “Damn it… I want to cry again.” She can feel the tears forming once more. Her face and head are already tired of crying, but she can’t help it.

“No one deserves to suffer.”

She sniffs, looking at him.

“Choices are made, and it happens.” He wipes her tears, "I made horrible choices as well, but instead of hating myself, and letting myself suffer...I want to be better. I want to change."

She looks into his eyes, and sobs into his chest as he rubs her back.

“You’re a person with emotions, Mya. It's okay to make mistakes,” he whispers, “stop thinking you need to suffer because of your choices.” He looks at her in pain, and she can tell he’s thinking of before.

His hand grabs her arm, and there it is, the scar of her past when she tried to kill herself. She had felt worthless at that point and didn’t know how to open up to anyone. For so long she bottled things up inside because the person she wanted to see ever since waking up from her death…

Rejected her.

She understood why he did it, but that didn’t mean she had to like it. People would call her dramatic, and irrational, and they would be correct. She hated that side of her, wanting to end her life when things went wrong, but she couldn’t help it.

She couldn’t just smile and make everything go fucking away. 

Just like now.

“I haven’t cut since you found me, Garrus.” She inhales. “I promised you I would never do it again, and I wouldn’t betray you.”

He nods. “I’m sorry. It’s just—” He sighs. “Seeing you at that moment was the scariest thing I’ve ever had to see in my life.”

She frowns. “That can’t be true.”

“You don’t know how much I—” He stops, and their eyes meet. There is a long pause, and she can feel her heart about to explode.

Is he going to say it?

_Please…don’t say it…I don’t know how I will react._

“It’s true, Mya.”

She doesn’t say anything, because she knows what he really wants to say, and she silently thanks him for not saying it. To hear him say those words to her would be the end of this little moment, and she would run far away from it.

Just like before.

They are quiet again, and there is a chill. This time it is Garrus to shiver, and she giggles. Her body moves before her mind can catch up. He looks at her, confused, but she only just shifts her body on his to make him warm. She doesn’t mean to straddle his lap while curling her upper body against his chest.

She just does it without thinking.

There is a moment of realization, and she goes to push away, but his strong arms are around her waist, pulling her close to him. He sighs, and his body emits more heat in her direction. She knows he hates the cold, and just wants to keep him warm.

That is the only reason.

“Spirits, I miss you,” he whispers, and she looks up at him. His head looks down at her again, and she thinks he is going to kiss her, but instead he sits there, rubbing her back.

Looking into her eyes.

She doesn’t want to lie, nor can she lie under his gaze. “I miss you too,” she whispers, as her eyes soften.

He chuckles. “Oh?”

She hums, and he grabs her chin.

“How much?” His mouth is close to hers, and she fights to keep herself from kissing him.

It must have been the way he said it, because how else is she almost in a daze right now, not knowing what to say? She opens her mouth to speak, but all she wants to do is kiss him lovingly to show him how much.

But she can’t, because she’s with Kaidan.

Pulling away from his hand, she looks back at his chest, not able to say anything to him. He doesn’t push the matter, and she thanks him for it.

So much thanking him tonight.

He grabs his towel and bundles it up into a makeshift pillow. It isn’t long before he’s laying down, looking up at the stars since his fringe is in a comfortable position. She doesn’t move, instead, she stares down at him, not realizing her hand is softly drawing circles on his chest.

“Lay with me.”

Her eyes catch him again, and her heart starts beating fast. She should stand right now, and leave him. Tell him sorry, that she’s married, and move on, but her body once again is moving on its own and lays her head on his chest, listening to the sweet sound of his heartbeat.

When his arms wrap around her, she sighs in happiness again at the feeling. As if this is the moment she’s been missing in her life right here, right now.

“How about you?” he asks, running his hand through her hair, making sure to do it gently and not tangle it.

She hums. “What?” she whispers, feeling herself falling asleep in his arms.

“Ever wish to just go back?”

She looks up at him, and he looks down at her. “I answered, no?”

“No.” He chuckles, and she hums.

“Yes.” She nods her head, indicating that she finally answers.

He hums. “Why, and how far back?”

She giggles. “That’s unfair, I never got to ask how far back.” Poking his mandibles.

He rubs her back. “You can ask anything to me and I will also answer you honestly,” he whispers, and she sits up, looking down at him.

"Oh?"

His eyes are intense again, "I could never lie to you."

"R-really?" She didn't think she has that effect on him as well.

"Yes." She swallows, not able to respond. "As I said before, you're everything to me."

He pauses, and she can tell he's drinking in the moment. Almost afraid it will disappear if he keeps talking. Almost as if this a dream, and she will go away once he wakes up. His hand is on her cheek, trying to keep a hold of reality, and she sniffs from the emotions that are plaguing her heart.

"You are my other half, Mya."

Her heart is racing, and she could feel the lump in her throat, feeling ready to burst into tears at being with her other half. For so long she felt broken, as if incomplete, and to have him here with her again feels as if she can breathe again. That she's not trapped in space anymore because her other half came back to her.

"Ever since the break up I feel empty inside."

She almost cries, knowing exactly how he feels. So much bitterness and resentment after that horrible day. How can she loves when her love was lost.

He holds her tighter as if never wanting her to leave him again.

"Spirits. I wish I could go back." He closes his eyes, "I don't regret my life, and I don't want to lose the life lessons I've learned to shape the person I am today, but fuck." He holds her tighter. "Sometimes, I really wish I can go back."

He wipes his face in frustration, and she rubs his hard chest. Picturing herself going back in time where she picked a different choice. As if going to an old save of a video game and choosing a different dialogue choice instead of another.

“Then.” She sighs, rubbing his arms lightly. “How far back?”

His eyes open, and are intense when he looks at her as she waits for his answer. It’s as if he’s trying to telepathically tell her the answer, but she doesn't understand. She pouts, and he chuckles, bringing one of his legs up, while holding her side, playing with her soft skin.

“How far back?” he repeats, their eyes are locked and she almost feels herself slipping to kiss him. “I would say the moment you told me to kill Dr. Heart.”

She tilts her head. “Why?”

He chuckles. “Because after that mission, things changed between us.” His eyes soften, remembering what happened a week after that mission. “I would take the necessary steps to ask you out, instead of feeling inadequate.”

She blushes, remembering what he’s talking about. “But what about our governments?” She frowns. “I never pushed because of the Alliance and Hierarchy.”

“Fuck ‘em.”

She almost squeals like some damn high school girl talking to her ‘bad boy’ boyfriend. God, she hates how he makes her feel sometimes.

“Fuck ‘em,” she whispers, repeating him.

“You never answered my question.” He moves a piece of curly hair from her face, pushing it behind her ears.

She looks at him, and swallows, licking her lips. Should she tell him the truth? Go back to when Kaidan told her she cheated on him with Garrus, and not let it bother her as it did. Maybe go back to before she died, and say ‘fuck ‘em’ to the Alliance and Hierarchy, but she did love Kaidan during that time.

It was after she died when everything changed, and Horizon solidified the change between her and Kaidan.

She doesn't even want to think of a possibility of loving Garrus during the Normandy SR-1 days just to die and lose the connection to him like she did Kaidan. Maybe that wouldn't happen. Maybe they will reconnect like right now, and live their lives as husband and wife!

But she doesn’t want to gamble that possibility. 

No, she rather the timeline where the Reaper war is on-going and she had a choice of Garrus and Kadian. Just this time, she would choose to become a one turian woman instead of telling him she's with Kaidan. 

Would that have changed anything? What Garrus said...about changing, they both needed that even when they were working with Cerberus. She still believes Garrus is her other half, but she can't deny that they both needed to grow.

Like now.

She pulls at her curls. “I wouldn’t have gone on that lunch date with Kaidan,” she whispers, feeling a weight lift from her. “I should have gone on the sniper date with you first before I went to see Kaidan.”

“What happened on the date?” His voice is quiet, but she can tell he’s ready to find Kaidan and say or do something.

“He said I cheated on him with you.” She bites her lips, looking up into the stars. “I panicked, and told him I’m sorry.” She frowns. “Told him I still loved him, and ever since then…I couldn’t stop the guilt.”

He looks deep into her eyes and leans up using his elbows. “Mya,” he whispers.

“Garrus?” She can see his eyes and knows he’s going to ask something of her, and she won’t be able to hide this time.

She won’t be able to lie.

“Be truthful with me.”

“Always,” she instantly says, because the look in his eyes demands she tells him everything. He can ask her _the_ question, and she will reply with the truth.

She will tell him her wants and desires.

She will tell him she loves him, and he will say it back.

He will finish the sentence from earlier, but this time she wouldn't run away.

Not like in the past.

Not like earlier.

Her love has been found and she doesn't want to give it up again.

Not ever again.

“Did any of it mean anything to you?”

The question in which she lied to him, and it still haunts her today.

"Before the sneaking around, before the resentment, before the choice." He sighs, "I know we weren't perfect before Kaidan came into the picture. I know we had problems to work on for ourselves but please, Mya."

He visibly swallows.

"I need to know the truth."

She inhales, and he narrows his eyes, looking for the answer. Searching to see if she will lie to him again, or maybe even have a change of heart, and mean what she said two years ago.

“Garrus I-”

“Don’t lie to me.” He quickly cuts her off, and grabs her face, not harshly of course, just enough to keep her eyes trained on him, “Don’t lie to me,” he calmly repeats.

_I wish I can go back._

“Did any of it mean anything to you?”

There is a quiet voice, a murmur in her head, trying to get her to get up and leave him. It tells her to run, to hide, and never look back, but she has no strength to do it while looking at him.

Because it’s not what she wants.

_You always have a way to peel away the masks, huh, Garrus?_

“Yes,” she admits, and her world seems to crumble before her. Tears run down her face, because yes, everything they did means so much to her. 

Garrus means a lot to her.

Everything they did means a lot to her.

If she could go back right now, she would have never said anything to Kaidan, and not allowed the guilt to change her thoughts.

She would have been with Garrus.

It’s why they are kissing right now. It’s wrong because she’s still married to Kaidan, but for some reason…

She doesn’t care.

She doesn’t care that his hands are touching all over her body, rubbing her sides up and down, and it makes her shiver. She doesn’t care as their tongues hungrily collide, and he continues to move his hands around, caressing every inch of her body, or that her breathing hitches and moans from rolling her hips on him.

She just doesn’t care because, after years of being apart, she can't help but to indulge in her wants and desires.

"Garrus." She moans as he licks at her neck, turning them around, and having her on her back.

There is a quiet moment as he stares into her eyes. Then touches her body, testing to see if she's a dream again. When he realizes she isn't, he kisses her hard again.

_I love you, Garrus._

"Mya," he groans, pulling away to pant, and grind hard into her while her legs are around his waist.

Their eyes meet once more, and she can see he's telling her how much he loves her; she smiles happily, bringing his head back to hers to kiss him long, hard, and deeply. She could feel his hardness through both of their swimwear as they bump and grind into each other. There is a thought, as she moans from their hot passionate kiss, of wanting the clothes to vanish. 

Wanting to reconnect completely with him again. 

After so many years of not having what she wants.

Garrus came back to her, and she doesn't want to let go.


	6. Behind The Masks

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> He truly is

_“No, Garrus, you know I can’t.”_

She left promptly after that, but not without another kiss, and a genuine smile goodbye.

Since then, he couldn’t stop thinking about her, and realized, after years of feeling empty inside and unfulfilled.

Mya really was his other half. 

It's so obsessive to be like this when thinking of Mya, but he can't help it. They built a connection, a bond that seems to have gotten stronger after breaking up two years ago. He doesn't want to be this obsessed anymore, after all, he came on this vacation to let her go, and be a better person.

But then he saw her, and they reconnected.

Now, there is no going back.

He still wants to be a better person, a better man after the shit he's done to women in his past such as Tali and Angela. 

However, now there is a bigger drive in him to be a better person for Mya after what he's done to her. She is his everything, and he wants to be better for her. Their time together, even during their Cerberus days, wasn't all that great. There were times where both of them used toxic measures to get what they wanted from each other.

It was the sneaking around, because she chose Kaidan over him, that made things worst.

There was a lot of controlling on his part, and him not respecting her.

There was manipulating...and guilt-tripping.

He was a piece of shit, who couldn't stop hurting the women around him because of his obsession with Mya since she didn't choose him over Kaidan.

It was wrong, it was horrible, but he's trying to be better.

Last night has been the most vulnerable he's been since their break up. There was a real fear in him each time she would pull away; a fear that she will leave him as she did before. The controlling part of him will appear, trying not to let go, but he's different from before, and if she said no, he would listen.

Even if it hurts.

But she didn't leave him, instead, she stayed.

Stayed and kissed him deeply...passionately.

That kiss they shared was what he’d been craving for years, and it told him everything, after years of not being with her.

She is still in love with him.

***

The first time he met Commander Shepard, she was racist, calling him words that usually humans who hate turians would call him. He still played nice during his time under her. Not because he liked her then, but because his main goal at the time was to stop Saren from using his powers like a maniac.

Then she helped him with his personal quest.

Killing Dr. Saleon was something he’d wanted to do ever since seeing his ‘work.’ Those poor individuals would never be the same again, and for the ones who died, they deserved justice. He meant what he said, if he could go back, he would go back to the time when everything changed.

The jokes became flirts; her punching him became her touching him.

And he relished in it.

“Hey!” she called out after talking to Wrex. A smile presented on her face as she looked at him from an angle.

He turned around, standing, and her head turned upward. “Hey.”

“Fuck, Vakarian. Can you not be so tall?” She jumped to reach his height, and he chuckled.

“Not my fault humans are so tiny.” He patted her head and she glared up at him.

He laughed, and she punched him.

“Don’t pet me as if I’m some varren.” She pouted. “I’m your commanding officer.”

He bent to her face. “You’re way too cute to be a varren.”

She looked at him in shock, but he kept going.

“You can command me any day, Shepard.” He winked, and her face grew hot.

“You—fuck you!” She gasped and walked away in a daze.

He stood up straight and felt he did something wrong. Looking over, he saw Wrex laughing his ass off while Ashley was shaking her head, cleaning her gun. He sighed and went back to work, not able to focus, but he tried.

People left the hangar, but he continued to work, not feeling up for food. His mind focused on his Commander, wondering what he could do to make it up. A chime from his omni-tool stopped him from his work, and he sighed, looking at it.

_“We need to talk.”_

He stared at the message for a bit and turned to see if anyone is around. After cleaning up, he made his way to the only place he knew she would be, her cabin. Everything was quiet as he made his way there, and he told himself to go there discreetly.

He didn’t see anyone else. Must have been on duty.

When he got to her door, it opened instantly, and he was met with all kinds of smells. Usually, those smells would make him annoyed or sick, hating the fact that humans wanted to smell like that all the damn time.

But then he saw her.

She was at her desk in only a shirt, reading a datapad. She looked worried, but tried to hide it, and failed each time. Her feet were on the chair, and she was whispering about something. He coughed, and she turned to look at him.

“Garrus.”

It must be the way she said his name, because all he could think about was getting her on the bed and having his way with her.

She smiled and stood, locking the door behind him, grinning with a glint in her eyes. He turned, seeing the red symbol, and wondered to himself, what the hell did he get himself into?

She moved aside, and pointed to the bed. “Get on the bed, Vakarian,” she commanded.

He looked at the bed, then at her. “Excuse me?” He almost laughed, but he held it back as he watched her hips move from side to side, walking towards the bed.

“I said; get on the bed, Vakarian.” Her eyes stared at him. “When I command, you listen.” She grinned, and he chuckled, walking towards the bed, taking a seat.

“As you wish, Commander.” His eyes glazed over as he looked at her, and he saw her shiver a little from it.

She was nervous.

“I didn’t like the way you talked to me today.” She ‘glared’ at him, and he chuckled again.

“I don’t know, Commander, it seems you enjoyed it.” His voice was thick with want, and lust. Judging from the way she was breathing, she was feeling it.

“You’re such… an asshole.” She gasped. “You know that?”

Before he could reply, she was shoving him onto the bed, and straddling him.

Her mouth was at his neck, and he swallowed at her actually biting him. Did she even know what she was doing? Biting in turian was a lot more intimate than just playful nipping at the neck. Should he stop her?

Nope.

His body wanted this.

Wanted her.

So, why stop her? Maybe because she was human, and it would not work out. Maybe because his father would have him killed for doing something like this. What about the Hierarchy? Did he really care?

Fuck em.

Her body was small, but it was strong, and to his surprise, she was able to hold his much bigger body down. Her tongue was licking, kissing away at his neck, before going further, and further down, past his chest straight to his—

He took in his breath, but stopped because she stopped.

“Um…?” She looked at him weirdly, and he coughed.

“What?” His entire body was on fire, but he wasn’t out yet. All he needed was just a little push, but she looked confused.

She looked away, nervous once more. “I don’t understand how it works.”

There was a quiet, tense moment, and he broke out in laughter.

“You called me in here, and didn’t do your research?” He laughed harder, and she slapped his thigh.

“Fuck you, Vakarian!” She blushed. “I was doing my research, but I’m still confused.”

He stopped laughing and tilted his head. “What?”

She’d been researching? Looking over at the desk, he had an ‘Ahh’ moment, realizing she wasn’t thinking about the mission.

She was trying to understand him.

Taking her hand, he led it down into his pants, and she gasped at the slickness from it.

“Turians, when horny, are wet,” he whispers, “we have slits to protect us from radiation on our planet.” He sighed, as her fingers started to rub against him. “Don’t just stick your fingers inside, because I don’t like that. Some turians do, but not me.”

She nodded. “Okay.” She looked at him determinedly, and he chuckled at how cute she looked. “So, turians are like birds.” She looked disappointed.

He tilted his head. “You think we don’t have dicks, huh?” He tried not to laugh because getting lucky with the Commander was quite a feat.

She looked down, trying not to show her disappointment. “I didn’t get to that part of turian anatomy. I wanted to learn more about your culture.” She bit her lips. “I wanted to understand you.”

His eyes softened, and he felt so much happiness at hearing her say that. It wasn’t just about sex with her.

She wanted more.

He pulled her hand away, and she looked at him, saddened. It wasn’t until he started to take his clothes off that her eyes grew wide, with her lips shut tight. Before he told her anything, her hands were touching his scars from his military days, and he chuckled.

“What? Don’t tell me the great Commander Shepard hasn’t seen scars before.”

She grinned. “I have my own, you know.” And she took her clothes off before him.

The scars were a lighter color from her dark brown skin tone, and he couldn’t help but study them. She giggled as his hands explored them, not really allowing himself to drink in that she was naked in front of him.

“Where you get this one?” he whispered at the very large scar that reached from the right side of her thigh to the mid of her stomach.

She frowned. “I was the sole survivor of a thresher maw attack.”

He looked at her in shock.

“I fought it off, but I lost everyone.”

“How the hell did you fight off a thresher maw?”

She giggled, touching her scar. “Big fucking guns.” She sighed. “I used one of the military makos on the job. Before I got to the mako though, it used one of its tentacles to hit me.” She sat on the bed, and he joined her. “It was my first big mission… and I failed as a Commander.”

He rubbed her back. “You didn’t know there would be a thresher maw. Unless you did, but you don’t seem like the sort.”

She smiled softly. “I didn’t.” She climbed onto the bed and petted at it, signaling him to join.

“Damn, and here I thought we were going to have sex,” he joked, wanting her to laugh, but her face showed she wasn’t in the laughing mood. “I’m sorry; I just… wanted you to laugh.”

She didn’t say anything, but pulled him towards her. They got under the sheets, and he laid there, feeling a little frustrated sexually, but happy to be in her arms.

“Next time, okay?” She whimpered, and he heard a sniff. “I promise sex next time.”

He pulled her close. “We don’t have to have sex, Mya.” He never called her Mya before, but something told him to do it. “I only want to make you happy.”

She looked up at him. “R-really?”

There was something in her eyes that changed, and he couldn’t understand it. At least, not right then, but in the future, he would.

Nevertheless right then, she wasn’t Commander Shepard anymore.

“Yes, I'm not forcing you to do what _I_ want unless _you_ want it as well,” he whispered, moving a piece of her hair from her face.

She cried at his words and he held her tight. He didn’t understand at all why she needed to give him what he wanted while disregarding her own wants and desires. Until in the future, when he learned of her problem, and what she's been through.

All he knew was that she was crying, and he wanted to be there for her.

***

Exiting his hotel room, Garrus stretches a little and begins his walk to somewhere. He doesn’t know where, just allowing his legs to take him anywhere. He is on vacation for a reason anyway, and sure, he can stay in his room thinking about Mya, or he can still live his life to the fullest.

Saying hello to the locals, Garrus continues to make his way to wherever. There is a bit of chatter about romantic getaways and the like, but that doesn’t concern him in the slightest. He promised himself no more sex, drugs, or partying.

Just a time to heal.

Time to be better.

The sun hits his body nicely, and he even catches a few turian females watching him. He chuckles a bit as some try to catch his eyes, but he doesn’t care.

None of them is the one he wants.

Instead, his feet lead him towards a casino, and he hesitates to walk inside, wondering if he should go for it, and gamble. Nothing is wrong with just having fun, right? Again, many of the activities here are for couples, or singles looking for sex or love. Therefore, it makes sense for him to just go inside the casino and have fun gambling.

With a shrug, he makes his way inside.

He plays a few games, but none of them hold his attention. It isn’t long until he starts mindlessly clicking a button on a machine to see if he will win or not. Sometimes he does, sometimes he doesn’t. All he knows is that this is boring.

Until he hears a shout.

Turning over to the commotion, he watches as security pulls a guy out of the casino for getting his ass handed to him by the players at the table. The dealer calls for others, but it seems no one is taking the offer. Garrus is sitting there thinking about joining, wondering if he does, what then?

Will he win? Will he lose? Maybe he will get so angry that he is kicked out like that one guy. Turning back to this machine, he glares at it before standing up and making his way over to the poker table.

“I’ll join.” No one seems to notice who he is, and he’s grateful for it. The dealer deals them in, and he sits there, looking over his cards and watching other people.

It isn’t long before he’s winning.

How is he so good at poker? Well, because of Kaidan Alenko. There was a time they were friends, believe it or not. There was a time they would sit around drinking and having a chat while playing poker. Kaidan would remark to him that he could be really good at it if he just learned the basics and tried.

And Kaidan wasn’t wrong.

He learned the basics, went through it all, and finally was able to be good at it. It was to the point Kaidan said he was now getting his ass handed to him by his trainee. They still played for a bit afterward and he knew Kadian and Mya were a couple. He was a bit jealous then but didn't let it get to him. Being a turian, and her a human; wouldn't have worked anyway.

At least, that's what he believed during that time.

Usually, when Kaidan and Mya were together, he would spend time with Ashley. No one knew they were close, and honestly, no one needed to know. Now that he thought about it, Mya could have known; since she was starting to be a little hostile towards Ashley as their friendship grew.

Garrus made a joke to Ashley about getting all the racists on the ship to love him. She laughed and punched him, calling him an asshole.

Then they kissed each other.

There was something there. It was small, but it was there. Her lips were small, and fearful of him, making him wonder if she's 'racist' because she's scared of people like him. Turians were known as predators in ancient times, so it does make sense.

Still, the kiss was nice and surprising. His first human kiss was with Maya, so he knew a thing or two about kissing humans, but kissing Ashely was just different, and it left him wondering, if she were alive, would he have moved on to her?

Probably not.

However, it was a thought.

Mya did catch them one night, while in the mako talking to each other after making out for a bit. Ashley was telling him how she had a crush on Alenko but saw the way he looked at Shepard and knew she stood no chance. She seemed ready to say something about him and Mya, but then Mya came asking for him.

“Hey, Big Guy—” She stopped, seeing Ashley inside the mako, fixing up her clothes. From the look of embarrassment on her face, it looked like they did something, which they did, but not to extent of what she thought.

“Shepard!” she gasped. “Hi.”

Mya narrowed her eyes. “Hi.” She looked at Garrus, who leaned back as if he just finished having sex with Ashley. Judging from Mya’s eyes, he instantly saw what she was thinking.

“Wait.” He jumped up, but Mya put her hand up.

“No need to explain.” She smiled, and he saw it. It was such an amazing feat on how the hell she did it! She slipped a mask on in front of them! “I just wanted to see if the Mako is ready for the mission tomorrow on Noveria.”

Ashley nodded. “Yes, Commander, it is.” Her face is red, and it was kind of cute.

Still, what really got his attention, was Mya herself. Garrus was still just looking at her in amazement because Ashley didn’t even see it.

That was the first time he saw the mask on her face.

Her face was still smiling, but he saw it again! It slipped as if it became this look of depression. How the fuck? He was so in shock, he wasn’t even listening to the conversation anymore, because he was too busy watching Mya’s face.

Ashley left, and he watched as Mya continued to look at the Mako as if she wanted to say something to him.

No, Commander Shepard was looking at the Mako; Mya was the one who wanted to say something to him.

“Nothing is going on between us,” he said, her eyes snapping to him, and there it was again!

Her mask slipped away!

“Oh.” She looked embarrassed, almost ashamed.

He coughed. “We...have made out, and joked about getting together for a bit.”

Commander Shepard looked at him with no emotions.

“But it's never going to happen. Ashley and I are just good friends. Going any further than making out would be too weird for either of us.” He chuckled nervously, and Mya Shepard looked… relieved?

Wow.

She was good.

Ever since then, he wanted to see how it worked. He wanted to see why it worked. He wanted to see what caused her to build this mask. He wanted to see if he could rip the masks off, and show the real Mya Shepard!

Then Ashley died.

It pained him, but he never wanted to tell anyone. Mya did come to see him, but he didn’t feel like studying her anymore. He hated showing emotions, always taught to be strong, stronger than humans, but the death of his friend pained the hell out of him.

“Garrus,” she whispered, and he turned on his side to look at her in the mako. Mya touched his mandibles. “We will avenge her, Garrus. I promise,” she whispered.

She slept with him that night.

They never had sex on the Normandy SR-1; she was, after all, with Kaidan. It wasn’t until two years later they did sleep together.

Now that he thinks about it, that was the only time, during the Normandy SR-1 days, he saw the full version of Myana Shepard. No mask to speak of, just him and her.

It was nice.

So yes, he and Alenko were friends. Good friends, not best friends like him and Ashley, but good friends.

Hell, he even believed Kaidan and Mya made a great power couple. 

Then Horizon changed that.

Horizon changed everything.

Now, all he wants is Mya Shepard.

And Mya Shepard wants him.

Saying goodbye, Garrus walks away with his earnings in his hand, laughing as some of them call him a fraud, which is farthest from the truth. He’s just good, and they can suck it.

Walking at night, everything looks bright and pretty. He enjoys the night walks when going to his apartment, at least in the time before his sex craze phase. It is refreshing and normal, something he needs after what he has been through.

There is a scream, and he snaps his head towards a man who is holding his foot. It looks like he stepped onto something sharp and now he is bleeding.

So… much blood from his one cut.

A river of blood, pooling out of his foot. 

Everything is Turning Red! Blue! Green!

There is too much blood!

Garrus starts to fall into a sense of panic as if he’s back in the war against the Reapers. Screams are around him, gunfire is shooting everywhere. He tries to grab his gun, as all he can see are enemies all around.

He needs to save everyone! He needs to save his team!

Mya! Mya is bleeding everywhere in the shower!

Call Dr. Chakwas!

“Breathe.”

He grips the bar tightly, as he frantically breathes, as she rubs his chest.

“Take it slow, Big Guy.”

He turns and sees brown eyes, looking at him with so much care, and love.

“I…you.” He grabs her, and she doesn’t pull away as he searches all over her arms to see if she is bleeding.

“It’s okay, take a deep breath,” she whispers, being patient with him.

Their eyes meet and she reaches up to touch his mandibles softly. Then she pulls his head down to kiss his mandible, before reaching her hand down to his waist, and whispers, “It’s going to be okay.” She pulls his body close to hers.

She’s warm.

“Mya.” He calms down, pulling her into him tightly as she stands on her tippy toes to reach him. “I’m sorry.” He whimpers, bending to her level, and lays his head on her shoulder. “Sometimes… I can’t stop it.”

“I know.” She rubs at his fringe. “I know.”

He watches as Mya buys something from a vendor with a smile on her face. The vendor looks a little shocked but gives her the food.

Walking over to him, she bites into her stick of food and chews. They don’t speak; just calmly walk without anyone realizing who they are.

It’s nice.

“Where’s Alenko?”

She side-eyes him. “I don’t know. Somewhere.” She shrugs, biting into her food again.

He hums. “Offer still stands.”

She looks at him, and he can tell she’s thinking about it. It would surprise him if she actually took him up on his offer to join him in his room.

She shakes her head. “You know I can’t.” She tries to hide her smile, but he sees it.

She wants to say yes.

He chuckles, and stops walking, leaning over the railing to look at the ocean again. She stops and stares at him, as if wanting to say something, but something is stopping her. It’s just them on the bridge, overlooking the ocean that looks even more beautiful now that the moon is full tonight.

She takes out a bar that she got from the vendor, and he looks over at her. She smiles at him and offers him some. He tilts his head because no, he can’t eat levo-based protein.

“Have you forgotten I’m a turian?” He chuckles. “I don’t eat levo-based protein.”

She rolls her eyes. “I know, Big Guy. It’s why this is dextro-base.” She bites into it, and he looks at her in shock.

“What?”

She shrugs, looking at the moon. “The moon is pretty tonight.”

He narrows his eyes. “You’re lying.”

“About the moon?” She gives him a stupid look.

“Mya.”

She giggles. “I’m not. Look.” She shows him the wrapper, and she’s correct; it’s dextro-base.

“How?”

She looks down. “I… lost control of myself, and I wanted to get some control back.” She sighs. “The years the Alliance paraded me around so more people could join pissed me off.” She looks at him.

“What did you do?”

“I was asked to do this trail surgery thing that can make me eat dextro and levo. So, I went for it.” She glares. “They called it ‘Project Synthesis.’”

He looks at her with wide eyes. “Wait, isn’t that what the Reaper AI—”

“Yes,” she cuts him off and frowns. “I wanted to do something the Alliance wouldn’t approve of after forcing me into a role.” She smiles softly. “So, now I can eat both dextro and levo-base protein without a problem.” She bites her lips. “Among other things.”

“Other things?”

She looks at him as if scared to speak it. Then there is a pain in her eyes, and he’s confused about what is making her look that way.

“Let’s just say, it was the before stages of what is called ‘Natural Biology’ today and other projects.” She looks away as if deep in thought as he stares at her.

Natural Biology is the surgery that helped multiple couples give birth to hybrids. If ‘Project Synthesis’ was the before stage then that means Mya can…

“Shit,” he whispers.

She nods. “Yeah, but the difference is that many of the test subjects died, so they had to change course.”

“So, unlike people who got the ‘Natural Biology’ surgery; you can eat dextro and levo protein regularly, and have other benefits.”

_Such as getting pregnant by a turian._

She hums. “Yeah, only I and a few others survived. ‘Project Synthesis’ was doomed to fail, but it did help other projects in the long run.”

“And here I thought you would be traumatized by advance tech.” He hums, crossing his arms.

She swallows. “I am actually, but you don’t understand, Garrus.” She looks into his eyes. “They used me for their fucking propaganda, and it worked.” She sighs. “It was petty of me, but I really was pissed. I felt stuck and when they found out, they weren’t happy.” She laughs.

He gets closer to her. “Sticking it to the man, huh?” He chuckles. “I know a thing or two about doing that.”

She looks at him, and gradually her face falls. “I know I was a Spectre, but I was Alliance first, and I wanted to make Anderson proud.” She sighs. “But the fake smiles, the interviews, and the fucking vids!” She screams out into the world.

There is pain on her face as if she wants to keep screaming, but there will be people coming over asking if anything is wrong. Worse, they would think Garrus is attacking her.

“It was my only way to say, ‘fuck you! I’ll do what I want!’ without damaging the very people who I represent.” She sighs.

He looks at her in disbelief. “You do know… that shouldn’t warrant you to change how your body works.” 

She laughs bitterly. “I know! God, I was an idiot, but I was spiraling out of control since I was forced into retirement while _still_ representing humanity and the Alliance.” She frowns. “I wanted back control over my life.” She gives him a pained expression, "I wanted what _I_ wanted, not what _they_ wanted."

“Well, at least you are healthy, and didn’t have any side effects like others,” he said, thinking about Angela. "Was it worth the risk?" He asks, looking into her eyes.

When looking into her eyes, they told him something else as if she's hiding the real reason for going through something so risky. There is no reason for her to go through something so dangerous just to piss off the Alliance.

She bites her lips. “Y-yes."

She pulls at her hair, and his mandibles twitch in happiness because now, just from her eyes.

He knows why.

"Yes?" He's trying to get her to say it, forgetting what happened to her months ago.

"B-because.” She nervously shifts, shrugging her shoulder, looking a little frustrated.

_Don't be scared. Come on, say it, Mya._

“Because?” he whispers, looking into her eyes deeply.

She smiles. “I wanted to share a meal with you one day.” He could see the conflict in her eyes.

_Another half-truth._

"Just share a meal with me?" He's pushing, but he doesn't realize how hard.

Her eyes are flickering with frustration, but he doesn't notice. Just only focusing on wanting her to say the very thing he wants her to say.

"Garrus." She warns, but he didn't take the hint. 

His obsession clouds his judgment as he moves closer to her, and she bites her lips, while he tilts, leaning his head down to kiss her lips.

_We can have a family, Mya._

She pulls away.

“Anyway.”

He straightens up, feeling dejected.

“So, now I can eat dextro and levo based food.” She smiles. “Which means, you can eat off me, Big Guy.” She bites into her snack again.

He chuckles. “Damn, and here I thought you wanted to have little hurians with me.” he half-jokes but stops finally noticing the expression on her face.

_Shit...I forgot!_

There is a reason why she never outright stated what her body can do after the surgery. Why even thinking about it caused a pained expression on her face. 

Why she kept looking frustrated at him pushing the subject.

Because she lost her baby.

And is most likely on this vacation to heal from it.

“Y-you just couldn't stop, could you." She glares, "And here I thought you changed."

"It was a mistake, Mya. I'm so sorry. I wasn't thinking it through."

"Fa… Fuck you, Garrus.” Her eyes are already dropping with tears. 

“Mya, I’m sorry.” He tries to grab her, but she slaps him away from her.

She sobs. “Fuck you!” she screams, turning away from him, and walking quickly away.

Once again, he's fucking up, but he doesn't want her to think he hasn't changed.

He runs towards her, bringing her close into his arms. “I’m so sorry, Mya. Please, please forgive me,” he begs, “please, Mya. I’m so sorry.”

She sobs, holding his strong arms that are wrapped around her. Her head is low, as he bends to keep her close to him as she cries.

“Please, don’t leave, Mya. I’m so sorry.” He can feel her heart racing and their body heat bouncing against each other.

He should have paid attention to the signs and stopped pushing what he wanted from her.

He should have respected her feelings. 

She continues to cry, not trying to run away from him anymore, but sobs at the thought of her lost little one. He wasn’t there, but he wishes to be there for her now.

Forever and always.

She inhales, and sobs harder. “My… baby… my son…” she chokes out, “My little Ethan!” She cries, and he pulls her in tighter. “He’s gone… he’s gone, Garrus… my baby boy is gone!” She sobs harder into the night.

“I’m so sorry.”

He truly is.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> For anyone who read my other story, "No Regrets" there are easter eggs from it in this story, yes.


	7. Counseling

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> One step at a time

“When did the problems start?”

_When he told me to go fuck myself on Horizon. Then when he said I cheated on him with Garrus. Then when he told me we should have a family. Then after I lost my little one, and he told me we should try again…_

**_I keep blaming him, but what about me?_ **

“What are the biggest problems in your marriage?”

_The fact I do not want a child after my first stillbirth, but he keeps pushing. The fact he keeps telling me to tell him what is wrong whenever I say I am fine. I do not want him to see the real me, because the real me will break his heart…_

**_Is that…really me?_ **

“What do you love most about each other?”

_I love that he is kind and honest with me, but it’s just not enough…_

**_Wait, no! That is not true!_ **

“Are you both satisfied sexually?”

_No._

**_Yes!_ **

“What can you both do to make your marriage better?”

_I don’t know._

**_I don’t know._ **

“Where do you see your marriage in ‘X’ years?”

_Maybe I’ll have already killed myself then? A quick shot to the head would do the trick, but what about Garrus?_

**_‘What about Garrus?’ Who the hell are you? I am married to Kaidan! We are married to Kaidan! I see… I see us happy!_ **

_Are you sure?_

“I think so?” She said, and the two occupants in the room looked at her.

Kaidan looked angry, and the marriage counselor frowned at her.

***

“You think so?”

She sighs, looking out the window of their car. “Kaidan, I’m tired.”

He glares. “She asked us if we know how much we love and appreciate each other, and you replied ‘I think so?’ What the fuck, Mya?” He huffs. “I can’t believe this.”

He rants, and she tunes him out. It has been a thing she does when she is mentally too tired to keep up her mask of Myana Alenko. Closing her eyes, she starts to daydream of large turian arms around her, holding and telling her everything is going to be okay.

_“If you ever need me, I’m here, okay?”_

He dropped her off at her hotel room after that, and the look in his eyes told her he didn’t want to let go. It was sweet after, once again, crying in his arms about her pain. What he said… when he told her about having their own little hurian, it hurt.

Because honestly, she would love that.

She would love to have a little one with Garrus.

Running around and giggling like the hurians on the holoscreen.

But after losing her first baby, it’s just hard to even think of a baby in any context. It’s why she’s been so against the idea with Kaidan, pushing him away whenever he brings it up.

That surgery was more than just pissing off the Alliance. In truth, she wanted that surgery to have a child with Garrus. She wanted her belly to grow with the creation of his and her DNA. The very thought of having a baby with Garrus as she laid in the hospital bed while Miranda and Jack held her hands.

Got her through the scary part.

Reaper tech scared the fuck out of her, but if it could help one of her fantasies come true; she wanted to try. Even if she could have died, she wanted to risk it for that chance. Miranda and Jack called her stupid, but she didn’t care. For once in her life since the war, she wanted to do what _she_ wanted.

Not what others wanted.

She was still with Kaidan, not married yet, but in her mind, she told herself she was going to break up with him and tell Garrus the truth. That he meant everything to her, and that she wanted a big family with him.

After it was confirmed that the surgery was a success and that she was one of the few that survived, she started thinking of ways to break it off with Kaidan without hurting his feelings.

Then he proposed to her… and her guilt made her say yes, with a fake smile on her face.

Sitting home alone that day, she cried. Remembering all the times with Garrus, and all the jokes with him. She remembered how open she was, never hiding behind half-truths and lies just to please others.

She remembered the first time he brought up having a turian-human with her, and how silly the idea was. She remembered… wanting that idea to come true.

“Garrus, stop!” She giggled, as he tickled her.

“Nope!” He chuckled, tickling her some more.

“You’re such an asshole!” She laughed, before getting the upper hand, and pushing him on his back.

He cursed. “Ow, Mya my fringe.” He groaned at the pain, and she frowned.

“I’m sorry!”

He sat up and rubbed his fringe.

“Let me get some medi-gel.”

He shook his head. “No, it’s okay.” He held her tight, and she smiled in his arms. “I just want to be here with you before our next mission.”

She grinned. “Lucky for you. I want to be here with you before our next mission.” She laughed as he picked her up and started to tickle her again.

That asshole!

It wasn’t long before they were having sex, slow and sensual, full of emotion, and something she couldn’t stop herself from loving.

“Garrus.” She groaned, as her body, wet with sweat, held his tightly against her. She whimpered as he used his talons on her, wishing for more.

Pulling her face back, she looked into his eyes, moaning softly. It was somewhat annoying that Garrus wasn’t as audible as she wanted him to be during sex, but it didn’t take her out of enjoying it. He grunted quietly, groaned when he was getting close, and panted when he was working his body to the max, letting go of the frustration in his body.

During those times, they would fight sometimes, but makeup sex was just too hot to be mad for too long.

She whimpered, as her feet hit his leg spurs, panting as her body was getting close to her end. She heard a whisper, and she opened her eyes to look at him. She had never seen him so intense to the point she couldn’t look away.

He bent his head closer to her ears, and she gasped at what he said. “Let’s see what a turian-human baby looks like.”

She came, moaning his name in the cabin, shaking as her body ran its course through her hot and heavy orgasm. As she came, Garrus groaned, picking up pace, and she could tell he was about to join her any moment now.

When he did, she groaned, throwing her head back, because, for some reason, that time felt a whole lot different.

Laying on his side, he gasped for air, as she shivered, still coming to her surprise. He was watching and his eyes gazed over, as his hands started to rub at her clit.

She came again.

Lying there, she turned her head towards him and started to laugh. He looked at her with a strange look before laughing with her. Cupping her cheek, he brought her close to him and kissed her on the lips. She smiled in the kiss and climbed on top of him, falling into a heated make-out session.

Sitting up, she giggled, poking his mandibles on each side. There were no words, just silly gestures and good times before they headed off to do a mission involving Sindonis. She was grateful that he was not pushing her away anymore as he did before. Hearing about the guy who betrayed him angered her since she had seen her fair share of betrayal during her gang days.

Gang members weren’t shit, and if they talked about ‘family’…

Do not listen to them.

She learned that the hard way.

And it still haunts her today.

“Just so you know, Big Guy.”

He hummed.

“I don’t think biology would work for us to do that.” She poked his nose, and he chuckled, holding her waist.

“You’re right, but hey, you never know!”

She kissed his mouth again, slower this time, before reaching back and kissing at his neck. She nipped at his hide.

“Maybe.”

She pulled her head up and got close to his face.

“I’m sure it will never happen, but…” She giggled at the thought.

“But?” He grabbed her chin.

“But.” Her eyes softened. “I wouldn’t mind having a turian-human baby with you.”

He laughed. “Really?”

She hummed. “Yup!” She grinned, and he sat up, kissing at her neck.

“Shepard.”

“Call me Mya.” She frowned.

He pulled back, looking at her. “Mya.” He lightly rubbed her cheek. “Hate being Shepard sometimes, huh?”

She sighed. “Just in the bedroom, I want to be Mya Shepard. I want to be myself.” She pulled away from him and sat down. “All my life I’ve just been Shepard, or Commander Shepard.”

He stared at her. “I know.” Brushing some hair from her back, he said, “Why can’t you just be Mya Shepard to everyone?”

She looked at him. “Because Mya Shepard… is a lot darker.” She closed her eyes. “You saw what happened.” Pulling her knees to her chin, she said, “I… tried to kill myself over a fucking guy. I even used horrible tactics against you sometimes just to make you feel bad.”

“Mya, it's okay. I forgive you.”

“I just can’t believe myself sometimes. It’s why I try to shove that part of me down.” She opened her eyes and glared. “That part of me isn’t what people want to see.” Tears ran down her eyes. "That part of me isn't what you deserve."

He reached over to her and wiped the tears from her face.

“They want to see the amazing Commander Shepard. The one who doesn’t back down.” She angrily wiped her eyes. “The one who doesn’t let emotions cloud her judgment, or use them against the one she loves.”

She looked at him and watched as his face softened.

“Come here.” He pulled her close to him as she cried. “It's okay, Mya. I don't expect you to be perfect, and I know things aren't great sometimes between us, but you are the best thing to ever happen to me.”

She sniffed. “Garrus.” Rubbing his chest, "You are the best thing to ever happen to me as well. I'm so sorry for the things I've done to you. Can you ever forgive me?"

"As long as you forgive me for trying to hurt you sometimes...for trying to control you sometimes."

She smiles, "Of course, Big Guy. I love you, Garrus."

“Hey?” He grabbed her chin again and looked into her eyes.

“Yes?”

His eyes softened. “I love you too, Mya.”

***

The sky looks beautiful on this planet, and she just realizes this. There is wind blowing, not too hard or too soft. The sun is hitting her skin nicely, and she feels a little more alive today than she did yesterday.

She is smiling.

“Would you like something to drink?” Kaidan asks, and she looks at him with a dreamy look in her eyes.

“Of course, my love.” She smiles at him but can see his eyes are full of something.

He sighs. “Alright.” He gets up and leaves.

Her face turns sour, angry at the fact he would dare leave like that. She worked extra hard this morning to be Mya Alenko.

Maybe that’s the problem. She’s working to be something she doesn’t want to be. There are children around with the parents, and she tries to ignore the happiness that seems too deep everywhere.

Taking her legs, she rubs more sun lotion on them. Keeping her mind focused on wanting her drink. Would be nice to have a cigarette, but smoking isn’t allowed where she is right now. So, she just waits, rubbing more lotion, and sighs at how long he’s taking to bring them a drink.

“Where the hell are you, Kaidan?” She glares through her sunglasses.

After waiting another five minutes, she stands up and dusts sand off her clothes, before looking around to see where Kaidan might be. He’s nowhere in sight, and it annoys her, thinking she has to call him on her omni-tool.

She then spots a turian, and her heart skips a beat while her mind tells her it’s not him. With a quick sigh, she continues her search for her husband, the man she loves and would die for. Spotting him, she smiles and makes her way over to him.

He is looking into his omni-tool about something she doesn’t know, and she snakes her arms around him, causing him to jump.

“Shit!” He sees it’s her and calms down with a small smile. “Hey, you.”

“Hey.” They kiss and she leans against the bar. “So, I was wondering if you fell and couldn’t get up.”

He chuckles. “No. Just waiting for them to get the drinks ready.” He rolls his eyes. “Can you believe they don’t have whiskey here?” He pouts and she giggles at his cuteness.

“Whiskey feels like an old man drink.” Looking at the menu, she grins. “The Silean Paradise sounds like something you would like.” She laughs at his face.

“Seriously, Mya.” He chuckles, and the bartender finishes their drinks. After thanking him, they make their way back to their spot and slowly drink.

Her mind starts to wonder about the turian, but she quickly inner slaps herself back to the present. Looking over at Kaidan, she giggles and kicks sand his way. He gasps, looking at her in shock, before kicking sand back at her.

“My hair!”

“My hair!”

Downing her drink, she jumps on him, and he laughs, pulling her close to him. She lays on him, not caring if anyone sees them. Her head is on his chest, listening to his quick beating heart, and she smiles.

_"You are my other half, Mya."_

She tenses up as Kaidan holds her while rubbing her back. Placing her chin on his chest, she looks into his eyes, studying him. Their eyes meet, and she smiles at him as she sees the love in them. Wrinkling her nose, she tries to get him to laugh, because his face has become serious, as if he’s seen something, but refuses to voice it.

She wrinkles her nose again, and he chuckles. “Stop.” He laughs when she wrinkles her nose again.

Sitting up, she fixes her hair. “So, how long until we’re kicked off this planet?” She starts to play with his hair, combing through it and twisting it.

He hums. “Two more weeks.” He sighs. “There is work for me after this.” He closes his eyes, and she can tell he’s enjoying her hands. “Keep doing that and I never want to leave,” he purrs.

She grins. “Nope. Going to keep doing it until you get sick of me.”

His eyes snap open, and she looks at him in shock at his intense stare. “I would never get sick of you.” He lifts himself and kisses her lip before she can say anything. “I love you,” he whispers.

“I love you too.” She hears him sigh at her words, and she smiles at having him be happy.

She wants him happy.

Back in their hotel room, she is kissing him softly on the lips, as he fingers her. She moans and pulls away from his lips to take off more of her clothes while he follows suit. With both of them naked, they get back into kissing as he climbs on top of her.

“Kaidan,” she whispers, once he enters her.

He groans, lightly biting at her neck. “Beautiful,” he murmurs.

Their lips are hungrily against each other, as their tongues swirl around. She gasps as he thrusts harder into her, and she growls for more. Not knowing why he is so aggressive, she begs for more and more, until their bodies are slick with sweat, and she is huffing.

“Yes, god yes, Kaidan!” She grabs his hair and pulls as he groans, lifting one of her legs and pulling it towards her head to get deeper.

“You like that, huh?” He grunts, looking at her. “Like when I fuck you like this?”

She cries out, “Yes!” Feeling her end coming near, her back arches as she moves her hips to his wild rhythm. This will be the first time in a very long time she experiences an orgasm without the thoughts of someone else.

This pleases her; maybe she can put ‘him’ away forever, and finally enjoy her marri—

“My dirty little slut!”

And she stops, because, what the fuck?

“What the fuck?”

He stops and looks worried. “Isn’t that… what you like?”

She glares, pushing him off her. “I like it rough, not being called a fucking slut, Kaidan.” She frowns. “Do you think… I’m a slut?”

Thinking back to her… younger… years on Earth. Then when she cheated on him…multiple times with Garrus in the past.

_I guess I am a slut..._

He gasps. “No!” He looks at her with guilt. “I’m sorry, Mya. You’re not a slut.”

Nevertheless, the damage is already done; she is falling and doesn’t know how to climb out. There has to be a way to get out of this fucking hole! He said he was sorry.

She’s losing him.

She’s making him sad.

She smiles at him. “It's okay, Kaidan.”

He blinks, tilting his head. “You sure?” Grabbing her hand with his, he says, “I won’t say it again. I promise.” He nervously chuckles. “I thought it was something you like… because of the rough sex.”

She sighs. “Don’t worry about it, okay?” She goes to lay down, and pull him on top of her. “Come on, let’s finish what we started.” She grins while opening her legs for him.

He hums, almost uncertain. “I don’t know, Mya.”

She frowns. “I thought you wanted to have sex?”

“I do, but—”

“So, let’s have sex!” She giggles. “If… if you want to call me your little slut…. you can.” She bites back her distaste for that word.

_Make him happy._

_Make family happy._

“I don’t.” He climbs on top of her, and the sex is trying to get back to where it was, but it’s almost too dry.

Too hollow.

She swallows. “Kaidan?”

“Yeah?” he whispers with his eyes closed, trying to concentrate.

She shakes her head. “Nothing.”

He stops. “You sure?”

She smiles and nods, wrapping her arms around his neck, and kissing him softly on the lips. It lacks something, the sex… the marriage, but she wants to keep trying.

_Make him happy._

_Make family happy._

***

_She looked at Mya. “You should try to communicate more. There is something about you that tells me you are hiding your feelings.”_

_Mya glared. “I am now because I went through a horrible accident.”_

_“Doesn’t mean you should shut your partner out,” she cut her off, “Marriage is a partnership. Love is important, sex is important, a connection is important!”_

_Mya looked down in shame._

_“Communicate, communicate, communicate!”_

Inhaling her cigarette, she takes in as much as she can, wanting to absorb the thing in one go because honestly, it is the only way to make the thoughts stop.

“Breathe, Mya.” Garrus appears, and she coughs, turning to look at him in shock.

“Ga—Garrus!”

He chuckles, drinking something. “Hi.” 

"Hey."

It’s nighttime, again, because, for some reason, they keep meeting at night. She draws in her cigarette, and he coughs, gaining her attention. 

"I want to say sorry again." He sighs, "About the other night when...I was pushing..."

She smiles, shaking her head, "It's okay, Garrus."

She could feel the heaviness of her eyelids. 

_"Doesn’t mean you should shut your partner out. Marriage is a partnership. Love is important, sex is important, a connection is important!”_

_If I was married to Garrus. What would I do?_

She saw the conflict in his eyes, and she wonders if he's thinking of past mistakes.

"I'm okay, Big Guy." She sighs, "I should have communicated that it was making me uncomfortable when you kept pushing the subject."

He nods, "I promise to never do that to you ever again." Rubbing his fringe, "I told you I am changing, and I mean it."

He touches her lightly, and she shivers.

"I promise to respect your wants and needs."

She smiles, and looks at him, because, god, she wishes he was her husband right now. It's taken Kaidan, what? A fucking marriage counselor to just shut the fuck up and promise to respect her.

With Garrus...it only took a few days. 

"You've changed, Garrus. I'm proud of you."

He chuckles, "You've changed as well."

"Nah, I'm still hopeless, and I use people." She takes a drag of her cigarette, "I still let my guilt drive me."

He stares at her, and she stares back. Without hesitation, he grabs the cigarette and throws it into the lake.

She gasps, "What the fuck!?" She pushes him, "I just said you changed, and now you're back to trying to control what I do?! What the fuck, Garrus!"

"You have changed. I know things are hard, but I can see it, Mya."

He looks at her with sadness.

"You are learning not to hide anymore. It's a slow process, but you are." He touches her cheek, "you have changed."

She huffs, ready to fight him, but instead, she starts to cry. He takes her in his arms, and she cries on his chest. Must be her life to just cry on Garrus's chest because she can't get her shit together.

"I'm sorry, Garrus."

He hushes her, "Don't be sorry, Mya. Just let it out."

"I'm just tired of crying, tired of feeling sorry for myself...just so tired, Garrus. I want to sleep. I want to sleep forever."

He holds her tighter. 

"Please, don't ever say that, Mya."

She continues to cry, not able to stop as he rubs her back, and whispers to her that it's going to be okay. Eventually, she quiets down, and they stand there as Garrus holds her protectively in his arms. There is a running thought in her head as her eyes lazily stare into the distance while taking in his scent.

"Yes." 

He hums in confusion.

"I got the surgery to have little hurians with you." She smiles up at him, "Remember our talk years ago during our Cerberus days?"

He nods, brushing a few strands of hair from her face.

"I meant what I said. I would love to have children with you." Her eyes soften, "Even now...I would love to have children with you. It was hard to admit it, because of my loss, but I am working on letting go, and moving on."

"Why...didn't you tell me this before?" He rubs his fringe, "If the timeline plays right...you had it before you were married."

She sighs, looking down in shame, "Yeah, It was why I kept having unprotected sex with you constantly up until the breakup."

His eyes grew wide, and he is speechless.

She frowns, "I wanted to get pregnant so I had an 'out' of the relationship with Kaidan, but I didn't want to tell you, because I knew how you would have reacted."

She pulls away, leaning against the railing, and looks into the water under the bridge.

He crosses his arms, "How would I have reacted?" He looks angry. Must be because she lied, and was clearly trying to 'trap' him. 

Almost as if it happened to him before.

_Why are you on this vacation, Garrus?_

"You would have been on my case to break things off." She looks at him, "You would have been so eager to get me pregnant, but the chances of me getting pregnant by you...is so small that it would have left you disappointed, and angry."

She plays with her pack of cigarettes.

"So angry you would have exposed me to everyone."

She takes one out, staring at it.

"My choice...isn't the best one, and I hate that I wanted to use our imagined child to leave Kadian, but, I made my choice." 

She shifts in place, looking depressed. 

"I made stupid, dumb, and horrible choices after the war, and now I live with the consequences."

His eyes darken with emotions, and she sighs feeling her own set of emotions. 

"I know it hurts to hear, but I know you Garrus. I know that when you want something." She places the cigarette in her mouth, ready to light it, "You become obsessed and will do anything to either have or get it. Even when it hurts the person you care about."

She swallows as images from their past play in her mind.

"Even when it hurts the person you love."

Their eyes met, and she shivers under his gaze. It's so intense, and she feels like prey in front of her predator. A small helpless rabbit in front of a very tall and powerful wolf. 

It's turning her on.

"You're right." He starts. "I will do anything to get what I want." He steps closer, "Even if I have to hurt people to have it."

He's fucking her with his eyes, and she's doing the same to him. It's just something they always do when around each other. They fucked in public before, and if she's not careful, they could very well fuck right here without getting caught.

He steps back, and she exhales, feeling her body tingle with want. 

"But, I'm trying to change that part of me. Learn from my mistakes, and better myself." He nods, and she smiles, holding her unlit cigarette between her fingers. 

"Good, but don't change too much." She chuckles, "To a certain amount, I still love your possessive side." She winks, giving him a look. 

"Careful, _my little minx_ , I won't be able to stop myself if you get me going." His eyes are darkening, and she knows she tugging at his primal side.

She smirks, "What's wrong, _My Alpha,_ can't handle teasing?" She flirts. 

Garrus's eyes are intense, and she licks her lips. Today has been so… stressful. If it wasn’t for the lackluster sex with Kaidan yesterday, the passive-aggressive bullshit from both of them before the appointment, and then the appointment itself…

She wouldn’t be here, eye fucking Garrus right now, feeling herself wanting to _run_ so he can _chase_ her,

Knowing if she doesn't stop now, they will be fucking each other at any moment, she lights her cigarette, trying to calm herself. Turning around, she looks at the beautiful water below her lighting up from the moon above them. Behind her, she hears him taking deep breathes to calm down himself, and she almost giggled.

_At least we have self-control, but for how long?_

“I always hated smoking.” He leans against the rail. 

She sticks her tongue out at him.

“Yeah, well, sometimes I need to smoke. If you hate it so much, this planet is so huge, you can go anywhere in it that doesn’t have me around.”

He looks at her. “You and I both know that’s not going to happen.” He takes the cigarette, and again, flings it into the water.

This time, she's not so mad about it.

In a matter of seconds, they are back to eye-fucking each other, and she can feel her panties getting wet from his eyes. She wants to jump this fucking giant and make him hers right here, right now. She is so sexually frustrated; she can’t stop herself from wanting it.

_Just jump me already, Garrus, become my Alpha again._

“Oh?” she teases, ready to indulge in her sexual desire.

He stands tall, and she feels intimidated again. She is so small and he is so… big. Her legs tremble at the thought of him roughly taking her. Throwing her on the bed, going hard and strong against her.

He leans to her level. “Yes.”

She swallows as she squeezes her thick thighs tight, because gods, she needs a good dicking right now. She doesn’t even notice he’s pushing himself on her, or the fact that he’s bringing her so close to him she can hear his heart, feel his heat, all while he’s squeezing her ass.

He hums. “I remember this ass.” He chuckles. “It’s gotten bigger.” He squeezes again and she moans. “I like it.”

“G-Garrus.” She studders.

_Just one night with him and I-_

He pulls away promptly and continues to drink his juice.

_This asshole!_

She stares at him with wide eyes as he lazily looks at her, seeing his mandible twitch, and she knows he finds her state of shock amusing.

“Very funny.” She pouts.

He chuckles. “You’re just begging to be fucked."

_Yes, yes I am, so are you going to do it?_

"I can smell your arousal, but I’m not going to _force_ or _tell_ you what to do.”

_Damn it._

He winks.

“Unless you want that, _my little minx,_ because my offer still stands.”

She bites her lips, wondering what to do. Once again, he is offering to join him in his room, and if that happens…

She is in huge trouble.

Garrus is this huge temptation. A giant-size turian temptation. Leave her alone with him where no one can catch them? She is going to fall right in line with her desires.

It happened recently with the kiss at the beach.

It happened in the past, and she feels guilty about it since Kaidan was her boyfriend at the time.

Hell, even now her mind can't stop picturing them fucking like animals!

This is why she had to cut him off after she was married!

Not only was the sneaking out causing them both to magnify their horrible traits, but it would also be adultery!

Myana Alenko would never do that to her husband. Myana Alenko is a good wife who aims to give herself to Kaidan. She wants him to be happy because he deserves it. She smiles for him, even when in sadness because she doesn’t want to hurt him again.

However, little minx wants her Alpha.

She wants him on the bed.

On the floor.

On the window.

In the shower.

But also to cuddle, and to be told it's okay. She wants him to whisper ‘I love you’ at night, and wake up with another ‘I love you.’

Mya Shepard wants to be Mya Shepard, as she was during her Cerberus days. The days she was allowed to do whatever she wanted. Get the shit done, and enjoy herself. Her team, her crew, her love life, her family.

_When the hell did it all go wrong?_

Oh, when a massive asteroid hit a Mass Relay, to stop the Reapers from getting to the galaxy to harvest every living soul. The very mission that tore her away from Garrus, and her ‘family,’ to be forced into the role of Commander Myana Shepard again.

But…

There is no war anymore.

The Reapers are gone.

She doesn’t _have_ to be Commander Myana Shepard anymore.

She doesn’t _want_ to be Myana Alenko.

After the death of her baby… after seeing Garrus again… after kissing Garrus again, and reconnecting with what was once lost…

“Okay.” She nods at him, and he stops drinking in shock.

“Wait… really?”

She giggles. “Yes, Big Guy, unless that offer isn’t true?” She tilts her head.

He coughs. “Oh, it’s very true.” He shows her his hand.

Myana Alenko would never take it. Myana Alenko would leave right now to lay down next to her sleeping husband. She would curl up to him, kiss him a little as he snored, and fall asleep with a half-smile on her face.

However, she is Mya Shepard. “Good.” She smiles, taking his hand, and entwining their fingers.

Yes, he was controlling, but he's changing. Yes, she has her depression, but she wants to manage it now. Garrus came back to her, and she wants to be better for him. Just like he wants to be better for her.

One step at a time.


	8. Secret

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> For a long time

He is watching her sleep and can’t stop himself from feeling like the happiest turian in the whole fucking galaxy. Last night was amazing. The best night he has ever had since their break up, and he would do it again.

He would sleep with Mya Shepard again.

The way she smiled, talked, smelled, and moved.

Tasted.

Every ounce of her made him so happy he couldn’t believe it. He could die right now, and he would be so damn happy. Although, he doesn’t want to die, because fuck, he held her in his arms.

He finally is complete again.

Her eyes slowly open, and their eyes meet. A smile creeps onto her face as she reaches out towards him.

“I hate that this is a dream,” she whispers.

He takes her hand. “It’s not.” His mandibles twitch. “It’s really me, and we really slept together last night.”

She gasps. “Oh god!” She frowns. “I’m so sorry, Garrus.” She looks down. “I feel bad we never had sex… I mean, we enjoyed ourselves, but it wasn’t what you wanted, and—”

“Mya!” Grabbing her chin, he says, “Would you relax?” He laughs. “You know what I wanted?”

She slightly smiles.

“I wanted to hold you in my arms, and just sleep with you again.”

She sighs happily. “I wanted that too.” Her eyes look at him dreamily, and he wonders how long she has dreamed or fantasized about this moment.

Because he has been doing it since they broke up.

He winks and kisses her lips. “Plus, you quenched my thirst last night, if you know what I mean,” he flirts, and she blushes before him, not able to stop smiling, and he can tell she’s about to squeal.

_Spirits, I love you._

“Garr—” Her omni-tool chimes. “Fuck!” She glares at it.

He knows who it is, and he discreetly pulls away from her. She gives him a sorry look, and he chuckles, giving her a look to talk to him. She grumbles, and answers.

“Hey, Kaidan.” She leaves the room, and Garrus watches her as the door closes.

There is a moment of sadness as he turns towards the area she was just in, and without pause, he inhales her scent. Of course, this is absolutely insane.

To humans.

To turians, scent is important. It tells other turians who is your mate, and how you feel at times. Should they back away from you, or approach you? There is a scent for families, and if a woman is pregnant.

Scent is important in his culture.

So yes, him sniffing where she has been is weird, to humans, but to him, or even other turians, it’s just him getting familiar with his mate… not his mate.

He sighs, remembering she is married. If he could just go back, he would fight for her, really put it in perspective; she loves him, and he loves her. 

Maybe have a family together.

He chuckles. Isn’t she very much against the idea of a child? Why is he even putting that in his head?

Mya walks back inside, and he expects her to tell him goodbye, but instead, she climbs into bed with him. They don’t speak, because he doesn’t know what to say. His hand starts to rub her back, and she sighs at his touch.

“So, we’re leaving tonight.”

***

A week passes after his vacation, and he just goes on with life. He still misses her; still wants to hold her in his arms.

Still wants to kiss her.

Still wants to taste her again.

Spirits, she was delicious.

He never tells James he met her, or that they had a reconnection, because he knows James is friends with Kaidan, and it would put him in a spot that Garrus wouldn’t want him to be in. The business between him and Mya is secret, and he doesn’t mind it.

“Hey man, slow down before you hurt yourself.” James chuckles, and Garrus looks over at him in shock from the bench press.

“I thought you were on tour.” They do a small handshake and bring it in for a pat on the back.

James grins. “Yeah, but I came back early because I wanted to see my favorite turian.” He gives him a thumbs up.

Garrus chuckles. “Well, I’m flattered.” He turns back to the weights, and sighs. “Spot me?”

“Yeah.”

Going on the bench press, he starts to lift, and James starts to explain to him the mission that he did. A solo mission dealing with some mercs. Garrus comments that he’s impressed James can do a solo mission, and James tells him to suck it. There are more stories, and Garrus happily welcomes them, because allowing his mind to do whatever it wants…

Is killing him with guilt.

“So, how are you, Scars? Anything new?”

Garrus huffs. “Well, I saw Mya.”

_Shit, why did I say that?_

James gasps. “What? You saw Lola? And you’re calling her Mya.” He shakes his head. “Please tell me you guys didn’t do anything.”

Garrus clutches his jaw, not wanting to say anything about the kissing and sleeping together. Or the cuddling, and the taste of her sweet pus—

Spirits, he wishes they’d had sex.

“No, just got to talk and see how she’s doing, you know.” He huffs. “I was really worried she was… doing badly, but she’s handling things differently.” He paces himself, opening his legs a little bit further.

_There, I told him the truth… half-truth._

James nods. “That’s good.” He sighs. “I feel like shit since I don’t talk to Kaidan anymore. Which means I don’t talk to Lola much. All my information about her comes from Liara or EDI.”

Garrus looks at him weirdly.

_Thank the spirits he’s not Mya._

“What?”

James shrugs. “He wanted to do things his way because he’s a Spectre. I didn’t like it, and told him to fuck off.” He chuckles. “Dude did not like that.”

_Maybe… I can tell him…_

Garrus shakes his head. “I’m sure a few drinks would patch things up.” He huffs again. “Remember when we got into that fight?”

“Shit, I remember needing some ice after that. You can land a punch, Scars.” He sighs. “Kaidan is just different from me, and I’m alright with that.” He nods. “Again, my main concern is Lola.”

“I agree.” Garrus grunts, placing the weight back and sitting up, stretching a little.

_Should I tell him?_

James narrows his eyes. “You’re not telling me something.”

_Shit, he’s onto me!_

Garrus looks at him. “Nope, I think I told you everything.” He hums. “Wait, I told you about the break-up?”

“With Tali? Yes, and the sex craze you went on.” He shakes his head. “Glad you’re doing better.”

“Much better.”

_Not… yet. I’m not ready yet. I want to keep her to myself before I’m crushed by guilt._

_Again._

He and Mya always had their secrets. In the beginning of their weird feelings for each other, from the Normandy SR-1 days, they were bad at it, but meeting up again, they knew how to hide it from others.

Nobody, other than Mordin, knew about them. It was just a secret that they wanted for themselves. Sneaking around was a normal thing to them, and he’s okay with that. Soon, Mya felt as if she was hiding again, and wanted to express she was not scared to be with a turian. He was happy, and then they stopped sneaking around.

She was single anyway, so who gave a shit?

Eventually, they admitted it to others, and everyone was shocked they didn’t know but was happy for them.

That vacation has shown him something that he knew was going to eventually happen.

There is only so long Mya can get away with hiding.

Similar to what happened on the Normandy SR-2, she’s losing the will to hide anymore. He told her before that it was going to happen, before she finally admitted to him she wanted to stop hiding, but she would always laugh at him, stating that it won’t happen and that she’s been doing it for x amount of years.

Until she did.

He teased her about it for a while, and she wasn’t happy that he knew her so well. Eventually, one night under the stars, he told her.

“Once you died, something changed in you.”

She looked at him weirdly, biting her lips. “What do you mean?”

“Your mask is breaking apart. It’s why you can’t hide anymore.” He cupped her cheeks. “It’s okay, Mya. You can let go and just be who you are.”

She frowned. “My mask… I need it. It’s my only connection to what I was before,” she whispered. “Before I died.”

“No, you don’t need it. Your mask was created because you were hurt.” He pulled her into his arms. “You are not that little girl anymore, Mya.”

“The galaxy needs Commander Shepard.” She sniffed.

“The galaxy will still have Commander Shepard.”

She looked at him.

“You don’t need the mask to show how strong you are, Mya.”

She smiled. “Okay.”

Right before his eyes, her mask broke.

The mask of Commander Shepard, the mask of Myana Alenko… They are breaking apart, and the real face behind them is showing. He hates to admit it, but the death of herself, and her baby were the stepping-stones to stopping hiding.

Watching the mask of Commander Shepard was an experience he never saw coming until he saw it during his SR-1 days. He enjoyed learning about this mask of hers and seeing how far he could go to take it off, without her noticing. When she caught on to him, she was upset, but he saw that she was relieved, happy that someone saw Mya Shepard and not just Commander Shepard.

He realized she had been perfect for years, until the death of herself.

After her death, and then working for Cerberus, Mya was just herself. She got emotional, she got mad, and she laughed and smiled amongst everyone. He knew the mask of Commander Shepard and didn’t see it much unless they were on missions, or she was talking to the Illusive Man.

Then _that_ mission happened, and the Reapers appeared. It was chaos, and through it all, he saw she was trying her hardest to be Commander Shepard, which she succeeded in on multiple accounts, but that mask was still broken ever since she died, ready to finally go away because it was clear as day.

Mya Shepard wanted out.

When they slept together during his vacation, he saw her entire body relax. Each time he saw her, he noticed how tense she looked, but that day… that night, she was relaxed.

He wanted that for her.

Alenko isn’t going to like Mya Shepard. Not because of her emotional problems, not because of the way she acts. He’s not going to like her, because she doesn’t love him the way he wants her to love him.

This isn’t him being cocky, or spiteful of Alenko. He had years to overcome his inadequateness against Alenko. From the moment she said ‘I do,’ it was clear to him.

Mya isn’t in love with Alenko.

She’s not lying when she says she loves him. Mya does love Alenko, and Garrus can see that, but she is not in love with him. She can force, tell, and scream at herself that she is, but she isn’t. Although, she does hides it well from others. No one can see behind her mask, Myana Alenko.

But, just like before, she was perfect for years, until the death of her baby.

Each time she talked about not wanting to try for a child anymore with Alenko, it occurred to Garrus that her mask was breaking. He felt a little bad because she actively pushed Alenko away when the baby subject came up. No, he doesn’t like Alenko, but he understands the want for a family.

“I know he wants a family, Garrus.” She sighed. “But I don’t know.”

He hummed. “You do know.”

She looked at him.

“You’re just afraid to say it.”

She bit her lips. “Garrus.”

“You can’t lie to me, Mya.” He grabbed her chin. “Every time I look you in the eyes, you tell me the truth.” He chuckled as she rolled her eyes.

“Oh, shut up.”

The night air filled the room, and there were no lights on besides the moonlight. Her brown skin glowed, giving him a beautiful view of her features. He wanted to ravish her, but she didn’t want to have sex, and he respected her wishes.

She got closer to him, and he hugged her tighter, giving her the heat that he knew she wanted. She shivered in his arms, and he wondered if it was because she was cold, or because of him.

“You’re right,” she murmured into his chest.

“When am I not?”

She bit him, and he gasped. Her head turned up to look at him, and she grinned. Before she could say something, he kissed her lips. The kiss was only supposed to be a peck, just to get her to be speechless in front of him.

It wasn’t supposed to be deep and full of emotions. Her hands weren’t supposed to play with his fringe, and his hands weren’t supposed to explore her body. It was the beach kiss all over again, but this time it was in his bed, under his sheets.

Now he was hard.

“Fuck.” He pulled away, trying to will his erection away.

Mya looked at him and slipped her hand into the sheets. “You’re hard, Big Guy.”

“Is that name for me, or…?” His voice was deeper, thick with emotions as she rubbed her hand along his groin.

She winked. “I’ll let you decide,” she whispered, squeezing and rolling her hand on the tip.

He groaned and laid on his back, while his hand gripped hers under the sheets. His cock was slick with his natural lube, making it easier for him to feel more pleasure.

It also helped that it was Mya giving him a hand job.

“Fuck…” He looked at her as she stared with a glint in her eyes. “Are… are you sure about this, Mya?” he groaned.

She pouted. “And here I thought you knew me, Big Guy,” she whispered near his ears, and he bucked his hips.

He chuckled. “I know enough that you want more, but aren’t willing to go all the way,” he rasped, leaning closer to her face, “at least not yet.”

She stuck her tongue out. “Who said I’ll ever go all the way with y-you?!” she cried out as his hand slipped into her panties, and rubbed her clit. “G-Garrus!” Her eyes were wide, and she opened her legs wider for him.

“I can’t have all the fun.” He kissed her lips and started to finger her. She moaned, whining for more, but he knew she wasn’t willing to go that far.

Unlike all the other times when she was dating Kaidan.

Still, this is also just as good.

She pulled her hand away from his throbbing cock, and grabbed the pillow. As she moaned his name, he climbed on top of her. She looked at him with fear, scared of them going all the way, but he wasn’t going to do that.

He went down instead.

Their eyes met, before his tongue licked at her clit, causing her to shut her eyes, and pull her hips into the air. He chuckled, realizing it must have been a while. Grabbing her legs, he kept them open for him to drink away at her delicious essence. His tongue reached deep into her, as his thumb rubbed at her clit.

“Garrus!” She punched and grabbed the sheets beneath her, as he explored away. Twisting and twirling. Extending and retracting. Her toes curled and her hands helped themselves to his fringe, causing him to groan at the feeling. His cock was leaking, begging, screaming for him to enter her beautiful hole.

But he held himself back.

He needed to wait, he could wait, and he would wait. Didn’t know how long. Could be a year, maybe two. Hell, maybe it would never happen. But he didn’t care, because he wanted to give her what she wanted, and only what she wanted.

He was tired of her forcing herself not to get what she wanted.

“Oh… Garrus,” she whimpered, and he could tell she was getting close.

His eyes looked up to her and noticed she was looking at him.

She moaned. “Garrus!” And one of her legs was on his shoulder, as she tried to bring herself closer to him while she came.

He drank happily from her, as she rode her orgasm while twitching and whimpering, still helping her hands to his fringe.

Pulling away, he climbed up and captured her lips into his, and they were back into a heated kiss. Her legs were open for him, he could just ‘oops it slipped’ inside of her right then, right there. Instead, he fell on his side, and pulled her close.

“Garrus.” She kissed his neck. “If you want—”

“I already have what I want.” He looked into her eyes.

“But—”

He kissed her again. “Do you want it?”

She bit her lips, indicating she didn’t want it.

“Then, no buts.” He kissed her once more, a softer and gentle kiss, something to show her it was okay, and that he loved her.

She finished the hand job, and he thanked her for it. They fell asleep, but not before he caught her licking his cum from her hand.

_So, she still likes doing that…_

***

It’s been two months since they reconnected, and they still talk from time to time, actually, almost every day. Being her secret has been hard, but he doesn't run away. In his heart, he knows she loves him, and will eventually leave Kaidan to be with him. It's just like before, but this time he's patient. This time he's going to just love, protect, and be there for her. 

Be the Alpha his Little Minx wants and needs. 

Is it wishful thinking?

Yes.

Does he give a shit what anyone thinks?

Not really.

Why?

Because he loves Mya, and one day they will get married and have kids together. It's this belief that keeps him going each day he wakes up alone in bed, but realizes Mya is still on the omni-tool sleeping with him. The day Mya wants to end this completely with no lies and fully herself. 

He will move on. 

Until then, he will be her secret and wait.

Wait for the day _his_ Mya will be herself, and be with who she wants. 

Him.

Is he being manipulative?

No, because he's changed from before. Before the way he would manipulate Mya into being with him is through guilt-tripping, but now?

Now he's just himself. He happily talks to her, jokes with her, and even has small arguments, which they resolve after taking a moment to talk things out, with her. There is no manipulating her when it's clear as day she's in love with him, and wants to be with him.

He was a fool to not see that when he was years younger, but now he does, and he doesn't let his insecurities overwhelm him. Hell, he sends Mya a few pictures at her request, and he gets a few pictures himself. Sometimes he would get a vid of her sexy thick body doing a few things for him so he can jerk off to.

Such as right now, where his hand is within his pants, slowly stroking to a recent picture of herself naked, about to take a shower. He has a good picture of her pussy, and he envisions himself deep inside of her, stretching her to his size as she moans his name.

“Garrus.” Her legs are pulled back against her head, as he slams deep into her roughly. He groans as his hands are on her thighs.

His eyes close, pumping himself quickly as his heartbeat increases at the intensity. She’s moaning, and calling out his name, begging him to fuck her faster and faster. If he just squeezes his hand tight enough, he can feel her tightening walls as he stretches her to his size.

“Garrus!” his mother calls out, and he jumps out of bed, falling to the floor.

The door opens up, and Garrus quickly grabs the sheets to cover himself.

“Garrus! Get off the floor!” She narrows her eyes. “I can’t believe you let your apartment get like this!” With a huff, she walks out of his room.

He groans, feeling very unsatisfied now, but stands and wills himself inside. Putting on some clothes, he lazily cleans his room. At this point he feels as if he’s a teen again, hiding the fact he was masturbating to the latest turian porn.

Walking out, he brushes himself off. “Mom? What are you doing here?”

She smiles. “I’m here to talk to you while making food.” Picking up a bra, she tilts her head, “Just didn’t expect my son to be this unclean right now.”

He grabs it. “Sorry… had a friend over.” He nervously chuckles.

It’s true; he has some female he doesn’t know over, of course using protection. Definitely would not like having another Angela moment in his life.

Not now, not ever.

Mya is always the one he thinks about when he’s with other women. She is the one he goes to sleep thinking about and wakes up thinking about. Her pictures and videos are everything he wants, but can only do so much. Plus, Mya is still married, he’s sure she and Alenko still have sex.

He strongly hates the thought, and only wants her to himself, but there’s nothing he can do.

So, if he has to share, she has to share, too.

As he cleans up, his mother starts to make food while talking to him about her newfound hobby, and his father getting old. They joke about Solana having a secret boyfriend since she is always busy, but it does make Garrus wonder. It isn’t long before he is sitting at his table, watching as his mother stirs the pot.

“Mom.”

She hums and he sighs.

“So, I have this friend.” He pauses, not knowing if he should ask her or not.

“Okay.” She turns to look at him and takes a seat as the food boils.

He looks her in the eyes, and can’t lie. “I have this friend, and she’s married, but it’s clear she’s not in love with the man she is with.” He rubs his fringe.

“Is that you talking, or did she make it known she’s not in love with him?” She crosses her arms and looks at him intensely.

He tenses a little. “Well, it’s from her eyes. I’ve always been good at spotting her true self.”

“Her true self?” She tilts her head.

He nods. “She hides behind masks.” He sighs. “She used to be good at hiding behind them, but I can see they are breaking apart.”

She hums. “You sound like you love her.”

“I do, actually.” There is a pregnant pause, and he looks away from her. “I am in love with her, and she is in love with me. I don’t plan to ruin their relationship, but…” He looks at her. “I don’t plan to stay away from her.”

His mother stares at him, and he can tell she knows what he means. There is a hint of disappointment, and he looks away sad. Then, he thinks about Mya, and he’s back to what he wants.

Is it worth it?

For Mya?

Yes.

“I understand.” She nods, taking his hand in hers. “I don’t approve of what you are doing, but I understand.” Patting his hand, she stands up to share the food. “I just want you to not fall into the trap of wanting someone who doesn’t want you back.”

He swallows at what she said, but nods. “If she tells me she doesn’t want me and isn’t lying about it…”

She places a plate in front of him.

“I will move on.” He sighs. “It’s the only reason why I can’t give up.”

“Such a good people reader.” She giggles. “Like mother, like son.”

He chuckles. “Yeah, like mother, like son.”

As they continue to eat, Garrus thinks about Mya but stops when his mother touches his hand again. Their eyes meet, and her eyes soften.

“If what you said is true.” She inhales. “That she is in love with you. Then I hope she ends the relationship and be with you instead.” She pulls back and chews her food. “No one wants, or should be, in a marriage where real love isn't present.”

***

There is a beeping sound, and he groans in annoyance because _who the fuck_ is calling him so early in the morning?

Looking over, he sees it’s 2 a.m. right now. “You have got to be shitting me.” Answering his omni-tool without seeing who it is, he says, “Who the hell is this?”

“Wow, Big Guy, is that how you answer?”

He jumps at the sound of her voice, coughing. “Shit… Mya? I am so sorry. Please forgive me.” There he goes, falling in line like a damn lovesick turian.

Because he is a lovesick turian.

“It’s okay.” She sighs. “It’s early there, I am sure. Right now, it’s night.”

He chuckles. “Always night with you, huh?”

“Shut up.”

“So, what’s up? Did you call just because it’s nighttime, our favorite time?” he flirts. She gives him a slight moan, and he pauses. “Mya?”

She giggles. “That got your attention didn’t it?”

Looking at his slit, he notices he’s peeking out. “Yes. Very much.” It’s not a moment too soon that he is hard and wet, grabbing himself and groaning quietly. “I’m guessing ‘he’s’ not home right now?”

She pants. “No.” Her moaning causes him to buck a little, squeezing. “Just you and me, Big Guy.” She moans, and he can hear her fingering herself.

“Good,” he rasps, “add another finger.”

She gasps.

“Good girl.”

“Garrus.” She whimpers, and he pictures her toes curling.

Just a damn moment ago, he was waking up exhausted, and now he is fully hard, pumping himself off at her sexy noises.

Fuck.

“Garrus!” She cries out, and he groans, cumming with her.

There is a silence between them, besides heavy breathing, as his cock twitches until it finally goes back into his slit. He calms down, feeling satisfied after his mother interrupted him yesterday morning, and he couldn’t relive himself since he had work.

“Hey,” she whispers, and he lazily hums, eyes closing as he feels himself falling asleep.

It won’t be the first time he falls asleep with her either, because she will fall asleep with him as well. It’s just the little things they do together that make his heart swell. If only she was in his arms, curling into her favorite position, as he keeps her warm and protected.

Spirits, he loves her.

“I want to see you.”

He opens his eyes in surprise, sitting up slightly. “For how long?”

_Forever, say forever._

“For a _long_ time." She giggles.

It’s not what he wanted, but it’s more than he expected!

Spirits!

“Come again?” He almost leaps out of bed in excitement.

She giggles. “Save the excitement for when I get there, Big Guy.”

He hears her shift in her bed.

"But you said-"

“I said...”

She cuts him off, and he swallows in anticipation. 

His omni-tool suddenly shows her entire body, with her legs spread open for him to see _everything_ as she holds a vibrator in hand while in bed.

She licks her lips. “You’re going to have me for _a long time_ _, My Alpha,_ ” she flirts, _"months_ _long_!" She moans as the vibrator goes off, and she starts to fuck herself for him.

Garrus’ mind is exploding as he watches _his_ Mya Shepard, _his_ Little Minx, play with herself in front of him as he watches with excitement. 

He is going to have _his_ Mya Shepard.

 _His_ Little Minx.

For a long time.


	9. Night-time is Our Time

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Just one more time

“Do you, Myana Shepard, take this man, Kaidan Alenko, as your lawfully wedded husband?”

She looked at him and smiled. “I do.”

There was no hesitation, because the screaming part of her was deep within her, screaming, and sobbing that she did not want this.

She had a choice, right?

**_You cheated._ **

_But… he said those words on Horizon! It was over!_

**_Did he break up with you?_ **

_Yes?_

**_Then you cheated. This man had to deal with your death, and then when you came back, you joined a horrible, human-centric, racist group._ **

_It was for the galaxy!_

**_And you never got into contact with him. He had to find out through your old Captain._ **

_I… I…_

**_Kaidan deserves happiness, and we are clearly the ones who can make him happy. He loves us._ **

_I love him too, but…_

**_No buts! We cheated on him with Garrus, before the Reapers, and for years after we started dating him! It’s time to make it right!_ **

_Why can’t I just have what I want? I saved the galaxy! Just let me have what I want!_

**_Do you really think the galaxy needs someone like you right now? They need Commander Shepard to set an example of overcoming the impossible. They need Myana Alenko to show her love for humanity in a positive light. They do not want Mya Shepard, the alien fucker._ **

Her eyes looked at Garrus, and their eyes met. She called for him, begging him to take her far away from that place. However, Myana Alenko pushed her down, once Kaidan took her in his arms. She smiled at him as he brought her to the dance floor.

No one could tell there was a battle; no one could see she didn’t want to be there.

No one could tell it wasn’t really her.

Because Myana Alenko won.

***

She smiled softly at him, and pulled him into a kiss. “Hello, my love.”

He chuckled. “Someone is happy today.”

She pouted. “I realized… it’s our anniversary!”

He tilted his head. “What? Our anniversary isn’t for two months, Mya.” He frowned.

She sighed in annoyance. “Kaidan, it’s the first time we had sex… or do you not remember?” She frowned. “The night before Ilos!”

“Oh, shit! I’m so sorry, Mya.” He pulled her in, and kissed her lips. “Let me make it up to you tonight, huh?”

There was a small pause, because she was disappointed in him forgetting, again. She worked very hard to remember those dates, and he couldn’t even do that. It wasn’t the first time he’d done it, either; there had been multiple times he’d forgotten.

_Garrus would remember._

**_Shut up!_ **

“Oh, it’s alright, Kaidan.” She walked over to the couch. “What would you like to do today?” She hummed, and he joined her.

“I want to be with you,” he whispered, “I know forgetting isn’t something you like of me, but being a Spectre is hard work.”

She fought a glare. “I know, Kaidan. First human Spectre, here.” She tried not to grit her teeth.

He nodded. “I know, sorry. Am I pissing you off?” He pulled back.

**_Stop!_ **

_No!_

“Of course not, Kaidan.” She smiled sweetly. “Sorry, my head is doing all kinds of things today.” She nervously laughed, and he stared at her for a moment, narrowing his eyes as if he was seeing who was behind the mask.

_He can see!_

**_No!_ **

There was a slight glint in his eyes, as if he turned off what he’d learned, and he smiled, bringing her close to him. As he talked about his day, Mya was shocked.

He saw her, saw her true self, but he… ignored it?

By nightfall, she stood up from the bed and just looked at him, wondering if she actually saw Kaidan ignore her true self. Of course not, because that would be stupid. After all, it could have just been her mind playing tricks on her, because she needed an excuse.

Leaving the room, she walked into the living room with a tired gaze. Nighttime was the only time she was finally Mya Shepard. No mask, no bullshit.

Just Mya Shepard.

With Kaidan’s schedule, he needed to make sure he was able to be up in the morning, and he left for long months, coming back with a surprise or two for her. Therefore, he had a strict night-and-day clock in his body. At night, he slept, in the morning, he was awake, working. Even if he had no missions, he’d work. If he was not working, he was spending some time with her.

She wished he worked more.

They’d only been married for a year, but they’d been together for five years. As the galaxy continued to heal, it tried to give birth to new life, and increase the population after it had been almost destroyed by the Reapers.

Kaidan wanted to join in, as well.

They had been trying for months now. At least, as Myana Alenko, she was, but as Mya Shepard, she had been trying her hardest not to go on birth control behind his back.

**_It would make him happy._ **

_Shut up, nighttime is my time._

Her mind started to wonder about Garrus. It did that from time to time, but it was a lot more frequent at night. Taking a seat on the couch, she stared at nothing, expecting nothing, until Garrus was standing in front of her.

She starts to remember the surgery she had years ago when she tried to get pregnant by Garrus. Wanting to have a reason for Kaidan to leave her, and to just...start a family that she always wanted with Garrus.

She was lucky to have lived after going through it, but there had been new tech born from it. Better tech trying to help create new life for people who would want to undergo such a change.

Hurians.

A combination of turian and human and the thought of such a species in the galactic community was one of hate.

At first.

Once the first hurian was born, people were surprised and astonished by it. She would laugh bitterly to herself because the old joke between her and Garrus had become a fucking reality.

A joke, that she wished can become a reality for them.

_“Let’s see what a turian-human baby look like.”_

Fake-Garrus said to her and she giggled falling deep within her fantasy.

A thing she does ever since she was a child. These fantasies were desires and wishes for something unattainable. Somethings she will never have.

It wasn’t long until her legs opened up for him, and he grabbed them, pushing himself inside of her.

“Garrus,” she whispered, as she felt his long tongue lick at her neck. "Let's make a hurian together."

They were fucking each other in the home of her and her husband, which was not Garrus. She almost laughed, because she didn’t have guilt running through her body; instead, she was just enjoying the hot fucking he was doing to her right now.

Her head flung back, as his hand started to rub at her clit. “Faster.”

He started pumping faster.

“Harder.” She whimpered, feeling her end coming.

“Mya?”

Instantly, Myana Alenko took control and smiled at him. “Kaidan,” she purred. “Come fuck me.”

He looked at her shocked, before making his way over to her with a smile on his face. They continued what she and fake-Garrus started. It wasn’t the same, but one thought, and she was already begging for more.

After their hot sex, they were on the couch resting, as he combed through her hair. Sometimes, moments like these reminded her it was okay to be married to him.

“I can’t wait to have a baby with you,” he whispered.

And moments like these ruined that feeling.

***

She awkwardly strikes a pose, naked, trying to take a picture for Garrus, but for some reason, she can’t get the right angle. With a huff, she sits on the toilet and glares at her recent naked photos.

How hard it can be to take a naked picture? she wondered. It will be easy, she thought.

It's nighttime where she is at, which is when she feels the least guilt when with Garrus. They love to joke about nighttime being their time, but it's a joke until she realized how important nighttime is for them.

Of course, they communicate during the day, but Garrus works, and she's been doing digital art commissions under a pen name. So, night time is when they let loose and enjoy each other completely.

“Fucking hell!”

A chime from her omni-tool stops her in her tracks, and she looks to see Garrus has messaged her, asking for his picture with a picture.

“Damn,” she whispers, enjoying the angle he used to highlight himself naked, and hard.

With determination, she stands and strikes another pose, putting more strain on her body than needed, as she sucks in her stomach.

“Picture!” she shouts, and there is a click. “Fuck!” She gasps, letting her gut out, frowning at letting herself go.

She sighs, and quickly sends it before she regrets the picture. Sitting on the toilet again, she shakes in fear of what he will say. Did she look skinny enough? Was she trying too hard? Fuck, maybe she should have shown more boobs.

He calls, and she panics while answering.

“Look, I know I let myself go. Food became a huge comfort!” she quickly states.

He laughs. “Mya, you look beautiful. Was going to ask if I can join you in the shower.”

She giggles. “Maybe?” She bites her lips. “You have to beg.” She knows he hates begging, but she wants to see if he will.

“Please, can I shower with you?” He gives his best begging face, which for a turian is hilarious!

Standing up, she walks into the shower and places the omni-tool in front of her. She gives him a small, sexy dance, before finally taking her shower. They talk for a bit, and she asks if he’s okay being a secret from Kaidan.

He shrugs, but there is something in his eyes, and she can tell he wants more. She starts to feel guilt; not only is she cheating on Kaidan, in their own home, but also leading Garrus on. He tells her not to worry about it, and that he wants to have fun.

Plus, he’s seeing other women.

She feels rage at having him see other women, but how can she be mad? The man has needs, and she is married. No excuse, but she can’t help it.

She wants him for herself.

“Hey, if you want me to share you with Kaidan, then you have to share me.” He rubs his fringe as the water hits her body. “I don’t like sharing you either, but since you’re on Earth, I need to have some action.”

She nods. “I understand. It’s selfish of me anyway.” She can feel herself building up a mask, she wouldn’t know what to call it, but it will be a mask.

He is watching her, no; he is studying her. She hates that about him sometimes, how easy it is for him to see right through her mask. He doesn’t say anything though, because he doesn’t know what to say. She doesn’t want him to give up his sexual freedom while she is married.

Yet, she really wants him for herself.

It’s easy to fix that problem. Get a divorce. So easy, right? Wrong. To have a divorce would just be painful. Kaidan would be devastated. The Alliance would be angry at her leaving a human for a turian. Commander Shepard needs to put humanity first, and Myana Alenko doesn’t want to hurt Kaidan.

So, Mya Shepard has to suffer.

Tears are running down her eyes because it sucks being in this position. Why can’t anything be easy, why must it be so damn hard?

"I know this isn't ideal, but it's how it has to work, right?" He looks conflicted, "I'm not trying to sway or manipulate you like before."

"I know." She whispered.

A brief moment passes between them.

He sighs, "I will stop." 

She looks at him, biting her lips.

_Am I using my depression to guilt him? Again?_

She didn't want that. All she wanted was him, but she doesn't want to have him resent her again.

"No, it's okay." She forces a smile.

"I'll stop being with other women." He narrows his eyes, "just promise to never do that again though."

"I'm sorry, I didn't mean to do that."

He sighs, "I just don't like when you lie and hide like that. Never around me, okay? Just be yourself and tell me your wants and needs."

She nods, "I promise to communicate and not hide." 

Their eyes stare into each other, and she smiles.

"You can be with other women."

His brow plates raise.

"As long as you only moan my name, and think of only me." She giggles at the thought.

She doesn't expect him to stay true to it, but she can handle the thought of women leaving in a huff because they can't have his mind and heart, only his body.

He chuckles, "I will always think of you. As for your name. It will be awkward with my subs, but I want to make you happy so I will do it."

She looks at him and rolls her eyes at 'my subs'

"Of course you have subs." She smirks, " how many?"

"It doesn't matter, Mya." He laughs “You will always be the woman I love. The only woman I think about. My only little Minx.”

"I better be your only little Minx."

"As long as I'm only your Alpha." He winks.

They start to give each other sex eyes, but she still wants to know how many subs he has under him. 

"You're really not going to tell me."

He laughs, "no, because they are casual subs that mean nothing to me and I mean nothing to them." 

She looks at him before laughing with him.

“Fine, be secretive, but if I visit and I have to deal with multiple women crying about being called 'Mya' then we're going to fight."

She laughs and didn't see the conflicted look in his eyes. When she looks at him, he covers it up and nods, swallowing. There is a moment of awareness, but she doesn't push since she can tell it's serious.

When Garrus is ready, he will tell her.

_What happened, Garrus?_

“I love you, Garrus.” She smiles, wanting to express comfort and love to him.

“I love you too, Mya.” His eyes soften and he thanks her with his eyes.

The old Garrus would have gotten angry at her for not ending things immediately and would try to control or manipulate her decision, but this Garrus was calmer.

He was hurt, but he doesn't push or guilt-trip her. To her surprise, he stays with her...he stays her dirty little secret.

He loves, supports, and is there for her ever since meeting him again. There are small petty arguments that are easily resolved with communication, but there isn't hate, resentment, and depression around him.

He really is becoming a better person.

He really is changing.

Which means she has no one to blame for her choices.

But herself.

Leaving the shower, she sighs and dries her wet hair. Kaidan is still out for a few days, something about a small mission with a few people. She doesn’t think much about it, and silently thanks whatever higher power for letting it happen.

Garrus is still with her on the omni-tool as she tries on clothes for him. He hums, telling her he likes the blue one, to which she pouts, and prefers the red one. It isn’t long until she puts on the lingerie for him, a piece of each one.

“It looks silly.”

“Nothing looks silly on you,” he whispers. “Spirits, I wish I was there right now.”

She grins. “Or me there.”

“I will happily have you in my home.” He looks around. “Once I clean.” He chuckles. “Give me a heads up if you plan to visit.” His mandibles twitch in a way that indicates how he wants her to visit.

She blows him a kiss. “I might. Heard Jack is there.” She lays on the guest bed, not wanting to feel the guilt of doing anything with Garrus on the bed she shares with Kaidan.

“Yeah, with Grissom Academy around, of course, she is. Even saw her a few months back. Should talk to her more.”

She watches as his hand slips down past the vid point of view. “Few months back?”

He looks nervous. “Yeah, she was… returning an item.” He looks down, and his hand returns. She can tell why he looks the way he does.

Her baby.

Suddenly, all fun excitement washes away from her instantly, and she curls up in bed. Their eyes meet, and he silently tells her he is there for her. She cries, feeling her loss once again, and he makes a caressing gesture through the camera.

She hates that she isn't over it yet. Its been seven months! Its time to let him go!

“I hate when you cry,” he whispers, “I just want to take all your pain away.”

She sniffs. “I deserve it.”

“No, you don’t.” He frowns.

“After all the things I’ve done in my life.” She inhales. “Fuck, I’m cheating on Kaidan right now with you, again!” She glares, angry with herself, but she can’t help wanting Garrus. She loves Kaidan, she really does.

But she loves Garrus more.

No.

She is in love with Garrus.

“Mya.”

She whimpers, wiping her tears. “Garrus. I'm sorry...for crying over this again.”

"Dont ever be sorry for your emotions. Take as much time as possible. I will always be there for you." He said.

She cries harder, "I wish I was in your arms right now."

He narrows his eyes, "do you want me to fly over for a week?"

She swallows, "would you?"

"Yes. In a heartbeat."

She smiles, "a week from now, Kaidan has a mission."

He nods, "I'll be there."

She smiles and sniffs, feeling happy again. He starts to remind her about the times he would try to throw her out of the battery because he needs to calibrate, and she laughs, remembering the many ways of seducing him away from the console.

God, he's obsessed with calibrations, but she has her tricks to get him for herself. 

_I wonder if they still work._

"Hey."

She hums, fantasizing married life with him.

“I love you.”

She looks into his eyes, and she giggles.

“I love you too.”

They are quiet again, and she feels herself about to fall asleep. Her eyes shut just for a moment, but shoot open to see Garrus watching her.

He chuckles. “Want me to let you go?”

She shakes her head. “No. Sleep with me.” She smiles, pulling him close.

“Gladly,” he whispers.

They are looking at each other again, until her eyes begin to fall and shut from her exhaustion, crying, and just the whole day finally getting to her.

“Garrus,” she whispers, and he hums lazily. She can tell he’s falling asleep as well. “Let’s find out what a turian-human baby looks like.” She smiles, still having her eyes closed.

He laughs. “I think we did already. Just not from us.” His voice is groggy, soaking in sleepiness.

“I know, but I want it from us.” She feels a sense of happiness at the thought of creating a family with Garrus. 

It’s wrong to want a baby by another man that isn’t her husband.

It’s so wrong, seeing how she lost her baby that was from her husband.

Then why does it feel so right to want a child with Garrus?

Oh, because it’s what she wants.

What Mya Shepard wants.

“For you, anything.”

***

Sitting up, Mya looks over at Kaidan and watches him sleep for a bit. It isn’t long until she is standing up, and putting on some clothes, because it’s nighttime, and nighttime is her time. With a smile, she walks out the door, feeling the chilly air. There is a smile on her face because after so long of half-smiles, and forced emotions, she’s able to be happy.

Garrus kept his word and visited her on Earth. They kissed, cuddled, and had oral sex while staying stuck in the hotel room.

After giving him a blow job for the fifth time since he's been here; she could see the disappointment in his face when they didn't have sex, but he continues to be patient.

"I'm sorry...I'm just not ready yet."

He chuckled, "its okay."

She pouts, "let me suck you off again."

He laughed, putting on his boxers.

"That's hot, Mya, but my energy is spent. Maybe in a few hours. Until then," he pulls her close. "Let me hold you."

She hides her face from him, feeling guilty at not giving him what he wants. With determination, she goes on top of him and kisses his neck. When she feels him hardened, she smirks.

_I knew you were lying. You're not spent at all._

"Mya, please." He looks at her sad, and she stops.

"I just want to give you what you want." She frowns, looking at him.

He glares, "I don't want pity sex, Mya. If you want to have sex with me. Then it needs to come from your heart." 

She looks down in shame because he's right. Having sex with him right now would feel disingenuous.

He sighed, "I want to make love to you, Mya." He grabbed her chin, "with you, sex isn't a tool just for pleasure. It's how I want to show my love for you." 

She kissed his mouth and whimpered as he held her close.

Garrus left two days ago before Kaidan came back, which was sad. Until Kaidan spoke about leaving for six months next month. After hearing that, she couldn't help the happiness that sore through her, promising herself to tell Garrus once she's alone.

She moves her feet, feeling the energy she needs to push herself to lose some weight. Garrus always tells her she’s beautiful the way she is, but she feels heavy and bloated. A combination she dislikes having after being fit and in shape for years.

This moment, she thinks of her life wondering, what if she went down a different path? Maybe instead of being with Kaidan, she was with Garrus. Maybe they would be happy and in love, looking to have a child of their own because technology allows it.

Maybe there would be a struggle to conceive, before finally giving birth to a baby, maybe even two. To be Myana Vakarian instead of Myana Alenko.

Myana Shepard-Vakarian.

She giggles at the thought, because, “No Shepard without Vakarian,” she whispers to herself.

“Shepard?” She turns to see Miranda.

“Miri.” She smiles. “What are you doing here?”

Miranda crosses her arms. “Doing my nightly walks, which I am guessing you are doing as well?”

Mya nods.

“Once again I'm seeing this happy glow around you.” She chuckles.

“I feel happy.” She smiles again, thinking of Garrus. He just won’t get out of her mind, damn it.

Miranda’s eyebrows raise, "yes, but will you finally tell me why?”

Should she tell Miranda? It would hurt if Miranda hated her for doing the things she is doing with Garrus.

However, it would be nice to talk to someone.

“Fine, I reconnected with Garrus, and it was nice.” There, she doesn’t have to tell her what she did with Garrus, just that she saw him.

“Nice, huh?”

Mya swallows. “Yup.”

There is a pregnant silence as they continue to walk before Miranda points towards a bench for them to sit at. Once sitting, Miranda starts to laugh, and Mya looks at her weirdly.

“Seriously, Shepard? Do you really take me for a fool?”

Mya bites her lips.

“‘Reconnected’" She air quotes, "is an understatement, isn’t it?” 

“What? We did reconnect.”

Miranda narrows her eyes with a smirk on her face.

“Okay, we did more than reconnect.”

Miranda’s eyes grow wide.

“But we haven’t had sex!” Mya frowns. “And… I understand if you hate me now.”

Miranda shakes her head. “Mya, I don’t hate you. Just knew if you and Garrus were to ever see each other again, there would be no going back.”

She leans back against the bench as the sounds of the night play around them.

Mya sighs. “I… couldn’t help it. Just seeing him helped me to find myself again after being lost for so long. I love him so much...and after being apart from him for so long, seeing how much he's changing.” She smiles, "I've fallen deeper in love with him."

“Well, absence makes the heart grow fonder.” She crosses her legs. “Damn, lost my bet.” She sighs.

Mya glares at her. “Bet?”

Miranda chuckles. “It was a bet I made with Jack during the Reaper war.” She shrugs. “We knew you two couldn’t keep apart. So, we had a bet to see when you two would be a thing again.” She looks at Mya. “I thought you would stay on the faithful side before breaking up with Kaidan, Jack was opposite.”

Mya frowns. “I’m sorry.”

“Don’t be.” She chuckles. “I don’t care about Kaidan, because he isn’t my friend, you are.” She touches her shoulder. “I wish you wouldn’t have married Kaidan, but you really did it.”

Mya tilts her head. “What do you mean?”

“I knew marrying Kaidan was a bad idea.” Their eyes meet. “I’m not as good as Garrus, but I could see you didn’t want Kaidan.” She rolls her eyes. “Jack did as well,” she says in an annoyed way as if she has to say it.

“If you thought it was a bad idea, why didn’t you guys say something?” She frowns.

Miranda frowns. “We did, Shepard, but you wouldn’t listen. You would insist that you loved Kaidan and that you and Garrus were over.” She sighs.

“I see.” Mya looks down, wondering about her idiotic choices. If only… she didn’t let her guilt guide her.

Miranda hums, looking up at the stars. “If you love Garrus, why stay with Kaidan?”

“I don’t want to hurt him.” She bites her lips. “And I do love Kaidan… I just… I don’t know.”

“You do know.” Their eyes meet. “I hate that you won’t let yourself be happy.”

“I… I am happy.”

Miranda glares. “No, you are not.” Her eyes soften. “Look, I won’t judge your decisions. If this is what you want to do, then okay. I will always love and support you.” She stands up. “But I still think you should do what you want, and not what other people want.” She shows Mya her hand, and Mya looks at it for a moment.

Deep in thought, she wonders what to do. Wondering when she should allow herself to erase the mask of Myana Alenko, and just be Mya Shepard.

As she walks with Miranda, who speaks about visiting the Citadel, she begins to remember the bond they created for themselves before the end of the Reaper war.

The moment she cherishes the most when saying goodbye to her teammates.

A moment when their heads touched as they looked into each other’s eyes. They shouldn't be doing this or be here altogether, but she couldn’t stand leaving things unsaid if she were to die. They were in a private area on Earth, ready to get rid of the Reapers once and for all. No one is in sight, just them and them only.

And of course, it's nighttime.

Their time.

He rolled his thumb on her lower lip. “May you be in heaven half an hour before the devil knows you’re dead.”

She tilted her head.

“James said it’s an old saying here on Earth.”

She smiled. “I like it.”

His eyes looked at her sadly. “If this thing goes sideways and we both end up there… meet me at the bar.”

She inhaled sharply, swallowing her fear. “If I’m up there in that bar and you’re not… I’ll be looking down.” They got closer. “You’ll never be alone.”

His eyes softened, and she sniffed as his hand reached for her cheek, she grabbed his hand on her cheek as they spoke to each other with no words. She could see the pain in his eyes, and it hurt to know this was goodbye.

Because she could die.

He could die.

“I know I shouldn’t be here with you." He sighed, "so, I want to thank you for letting us have this moment.”

There is a small pause and she feels the guilt building up inside.

She sniffed again. “I’m sorry, Garrus.”

He wiped her tears. “Don’t be. I understand why you chose him over me.” His mandible twitched. “But know this, Mya.”

Her eyes grew wide.

“I love you.”

Her lips trembled, alongside the rumbling and gunfire in the background.

"I will _always_ love you"

She closed her eyes, in fear that she was going to die right now, before telling him what she wanted to tell him.

“I love you too, Garrus."

Their eyes met again.

"I will _always_ love you."

He stares at her as another explosion happens, and there is shouting coming from below. They should leave right now and fight for the lives of the galaxy.

But they weren't ready to let go.

“Forgive the insubordination.” He grabbed her chin. “But I have an order for you.” His eyes narrowed. “Come back alive. It’d be an awfully empty galaxy without you.”

Before she could speak, he kissed her. Even with the gunfire and the people yelling in the background, they kissed long and hard.

The kiss of a lifetime.

They could die right then, they could die during the push, or they could die later in life. That kiss was more than a sorry, more than a goodbye; it was solidifying a bond that could never be broken.

No matter what.

“No Shepard without Vakarian,” she breathlessly whispered, pulling away from the kiss.

“No Vakarian without Shepard,” he whispered, and they kissed again.

Just one more time.


	10. Through His Eyes

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Allowing reality to finally set in

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This weekday is different as this would feature a Kaidan chapter instead of a Garrus chapter. I wanted to give a chapter to Kaidan to show his side. Think of it as an intermission into the next act of the play. 
> 
> This chapter is just as important as the others, so I do hope you read it.
> 
> Thank you.

He remembers meeting her a year later, after the death of Mya. He didn’t want to move on, but his friends insisted because he should be happy. They were right; to keep himself from at least meeting new people, because the death of his lover, was too much.

So, Kaidan met her. Jazmine.

Jazmine was an intelligent, confident, and all-around great woman. She was of Indian descent, with beautiful long hair, and a nice body. While on the date, she made jokes about her experience as a tech engineer, which did make him laugh, and he told her about Saren, which, in his eyes at least, looked to have impressed her.

After their dinner, they went to the bar to relax and drink a little, and now, they were walking back to her house with the excuse of being a little drunk, but that was a stupid excuse, cars can drive on their own.

To be honest, they just wanted to spend more time together.

“So, tell me, was the date okay?” She smiled, and he felt his heart flutter a bit.

“It was nice.”

She pouted, and he noticed her cute dimples. “Just nice? Damn, and here I thought I pulled out everything.”

He blushed. “You didn’t have to.” He sighed. “Sorry if I seem so out of sorts. I swear this was a great date, but—”

“Still thinking of your ex?” She frowned. “I noticed you were talking about her during the date, and when you realized you were, you quickly shut up about her.”

“They said to not talk about her.” He looked forwards. “But sometimes, that’s all I want to do.”

She nodded. “Who wouldn’t want to talk about the great Commander Shepard?” She grinned. “I idolize her if anything.”

“Really?”

She hummed. “There is a poster of her in my room.” She struck a pose. “I’m Commander Shepard, and I want you to join the Alliance.” She stopped and laughed. “It’s why I joined the Alliance. If Commander Shepard can, so can I.”

He smiled, thinking of her. “She does that to people, huh?”

When they finally made it back to her apartment, Kaidan felt something, but he wasn’t ready to move on, and he could tell she knew. There was something in her eyes as if she was sad he didn’t want her, but he did. Even after this little date, he knew he cared for her, and she cared for him. There was a connection, he knew it, and she knew it.

He just wasn’t ready to move on yet.

“Do you want to have sex?” She smirked at his shocked face.

“What?”

She walked to her door and smiled. “Do you want to have sex?”

He stuttered.

“We don’t have to date or anything, but it’s been a while, and you’re a good guy.”

He looked at her lips, then her entire body.

There was a moment of pause, wanting to take her. He wanted to let go of his frustration of not getting what he wanted for a very long time now, since the death of Mya Shepard. For days and weeks, he would picture being with women of all sorts.

Hell, even aliens.

However, every time he got close, he would chicken out, remembering Mya’s face, remembering her touch, remembering her everything, and he would stop. Tell the women he was sorry, and leave their place, or drive them home.

However, Jazmine was different.

She was smiling in a way he liked, looked the way he liked. When they were walking, she sneaked her hand in his, and he tightened it. There was a connection between the two, and it would have been criminal to ignore it.

Not when he was single, and the woman he wanted wasn’t even alive anymore.

When his friends told him to move on, he thought the possibility stupid. Not when he was sulking in his emotions at losing Mya. When his parents told him he should move on, he got upset that they would suggest that. When his body and heart told him to move on, he put himself in a state of denial, telling himself that Mya wasn’t dead, and she was alive out there.

“Do I want to have sex?” he whispered, looking at her.

She chuckled. “You can say no, Kaidan. I didn’t put a gun to your head.” She pointed a finger gun at him. “Kaidan Alenko, have sex with me, Jazmine Singh.” She gave a funny villain laugh, before stopping when he was in front of her.

Pulling her into his arms, he kissed her hard, allowing himself to connect with someone else.

He could always fall into pain, letting himself sink into depression at not getting what he wanted, or he could move on, stop letting himself stay stuck in the past, and move on with someone who cared about him.

A beautiful, amazing woman who cared about him.

Who had a connection with him.

So, he went for it.

***

“Fuck, that was amazing.” Jazmine sat up, sweat dripping from her body, as she continued to ride through her orgasm. “You’re always good at it, but today was something else.” She grinned, kissing his lips.

He chuckled, not wanting to look at her, and she noticed. There was a pregnant pause, as she waited for him to talk. He was scared to say anything to her because to admit what was going on, what happened?

Would destroy what they had.

“This has something to do with the rumor of Commander Shepard being alive, huh?”

He snapped to her face as she smirked.

“God, you are so predictable.” Standing up, she placed her hair in a ponytail, looking for her clothes.

“I’m sorry.” He frowned.

She giggled. “It was a good run, you know.” Placing her panties on, she said “The sex was amazing, you were amazing, but to hear Commander Shepard is alive?”

He could hear the sadness and rage in her voice.

“I knew I could never compete.”

He stood up, touching her hand. “I… I’m sorry.”

She looked at him, and there was pain in her eyes.

He could tell she was trying not to cry, but the tears were forming in her eyes. It was breaking his heart, seeing her like that, but what could he do? His heart was always for Mya Shepard. Jazmine was slowly capturing it, but now that Mya Shepard was alive?

Fuck.

How could he forget her, push her aside, after he saw her on Horizon? He felt like shit for how he reacted. She was right there, and it made him upset that she didn’t contact him at all. It angered him that she was working for Cerberus, a known terrorist group.

It hurt that she betrayed him.

Or did she?

No, she did.

But did she?

For days, he’d been conflicted and wanting to speak to her again about it, but he wanted to stand by his thoughts. He was always told that he was a stubborn man, someone who didn’t let go easily. Even when it was obvious he should, he didn’t.

That was why he couldn’t let go of Jazmine, either.

That was why she is crying in his chest, as he held her, and he meant it. They were breaking up, yes, but he didn’t want her gone from his life. After all the time they have been together, he had grown to love her.

He just loved Mya more.

“Can we at least still be friends?” She sniffed.

He nodded. “Of course.”

She kissed his lips, and there was a spark. She pulled back, but he held her to him, not wanting to let go. The kiss became hot and sloppy, something he desired from all the time being with her. They made it back to the bed, going for it one last time.

Because he didn’t want to stop with her.

He didn’t realize, a part of him became addicted to Jazmine. They didn’t have sex, he stopped that immediately because he didn’t want to cheat on Mya. Instead, they talked and got to know each other more.

He worked, and she worked. Eventually, he convinced her to work with him, as he created his own biotic group. She wasn’t a biotic, she told him, with her cute smile and dimples on her face. Nevertheless, she was an engineer, and having one around wasn’t bad.

Therefore, she worked with him.

He remembers sending an email to Mya, telling her he was sorry, and that he wanted to see her again. There had been rumors of Mya being with a turian, which he presumed was Garrus, but that couldn’t be right.

Mya wouldn’t cheat on him.

Yes, they had a falling out, but they were still together!

Then he heard about Mya committing what seemed a damn war crime! She turned herself in for six months. The Reapers hit, and everything else happened. Mars was a hazy ride because the last part of it was him getting smashed into a damn shuttle by a robot.

He remembers being in the hospital, and talking to Mya, asking if something happened between Garrus and her, because that wouldn’t make sense. When she confirmed it, that pissed him off. How could she cheat on him like that? Sure, he had Jazmine, but they were just friends. When he found out Mya was alive, he stopped having sex with her.

So, to hear she cheated on him angered him.

And made him sad.

Sad enough that he asked Jazmine to see him, and she did. He told her everything, and she helped him feel better. Talking to her was always nice, was always something he enjoyed doing.

Jazmine was a good friend.

***

“Yeah… she… we lost the baby.” He tried not to sob, so he inhaled as tears ran down his eyes. To lose his son… after so long of wanting a family.

“Kaidan, I’m so sorry,” she whispered, and he could hear her tearing up, “if there is anything you want me to do.”

“Just… just be there for me?” He grabbed a bottle of whiskey. “Because it’s not like my _wife_ ever fucking will.” He glared, but he shouldn’t be upset. She was hurting just as much as he was.

Jazmine sighed. “Kaidan, that’s unfair, don’t act like that towards her. She lost her baby.” She sighed. “She’s not going to be as open.”

“But what about me, Jazmine? She’s sitting in the damn kitchen, and she doesn’t even try to talk to me.” He sat down, rubbing his head. “I even asked her if she would want something to drink, and she turned it away.”

Jazmine didn’t say anything, or maybe she did, but he didn’t hear it. His heart was in pain, and all he could do was cry at that point. Their son was supposed to be everything to them. He was going to be the thing that would stop her from changing on him.

Stop her from giving him half-smiles.

He was supposed to fix the problem, that for some reason, Mya was hiding from him. Mya wasn’t showing him her true self, and he saw it. He watched as it flickered before his eyes, but he didn’t say anything, because to him, he could still get her to really love him.

For years, he’s been thinking about that flicker. He didn’t think too much about it at first, until their wedding, and Garrus fucking Vakarian attended.

There was a look in her eyes, as she smiled and thanked people for their congratulations. It was as if she was hiding the truth of what she wanted.

Did she not want him?

He patiently drank, feeling a bit dejected that his wife didn’t seem as happy as he thought she would be after he popped the question to her. He suddenly spotted her looking at Garrus Vakarian, again!

Her eyes flickered, and there was something there. He grew angry at the eyes they were giving each other. For fuck sake, they are at their wedding!

“Hey.”

He turned to see Jazmine in her dress, looking beautiful as always.

“Hey.” He smiled.

She looked at Mya talking to Miranda and Jack. “So, married man now.”

He saw the pain in her eyes again, as she jealously watched Mya. His eyes looked over at Vakarian, who was looking at Mya longingly, while Tali was talking to him.

“Yeah,” he whispered, taking another drink.

She noticed his gaze, and her eyes made their way over to Vakarian. There was a small realization, and she looked at him in shock. He didn’t look at her, but he could still feel her gaze on him. She squeezed his shoulder and glared at him.

“Don’t tell me you don’t fucking see it.”

“Jazmine—”

“You can’t be fucking serious.” She laughed. “You mean to tell me.” She frowned. “Your _wife_ is in love with another man, and that other man is in love with her.”

He sighed. “My wife is my wife.” He glared.

She shook her head. “You’re always so… stubborn.” She wiped the tears that were starting to flow from her beautiful eyes. “I love you, Kaidan. I would be much better than her.”

He frowned. “We shouldn’t do this right now. I just got married and I—”

“Oh, shut up.” She sniffed. “You love me, Kaidan. Every time you look at me, it’s as if you want to drop everything to be with me.”

“That’s not true.”

She laughed. “Oh, it is, though! But you’re too stubborn to let go of the fucking past. You won’t let yourself move on from what was lost. Instead, you cling to it, hoping to never change.”

He looked away.

“For years, we have been talking to each other. For years, we have been there for each other.” She inhales. “I just can’t believe you don’t want to see how much we fit together.”

“Jazmine… I—”

“What? You don’t love me? Kaidan, you have told me things that you yourself said, you never told Mya. Or was that a lie?”

“I would never lie to you.”

Their eyes met, and he let out a breath, as his heartbeat rapidly in his chest. There was a pull to have her in his arms again, kiss her softly on the lips, and tell her he—

“You can’t go back.”

He swallowed, knowing what she was talking about. He’d complained about it enough to know what she meant. For years, he’d been talking about how it was back during their Normandy SR-1 days, and how much had changed since Mya died.

He wished he could just go back in time when everything fit well together. Now, everything had changed, and sometimes it was… hard to look at Mya. Not because he thought she was ugly, but because—

No, he loved Mya, and Mya loved him.

Jazmine turned back to Mya, who was looking at Garrus lovingly once again, and she shook her head. “You’ll regret this, Kaidan.”

Mya turned to him, and she instantly built up her mask, trying to hide the fact she was looking at Vakarian.

“I…” he started, frowning, and wondered if he made a mistake.

Jazmine huffed, fixed her hair, and walked off with a fake smile on her face to others.

Kaidan looked up at Mya, watching how beautiful she looked in her wedding dress. She smiled at him and waved him over to dance, and he stood up, walking over to her.

Because she was his wife.

They loved each other.

Right?

***

_“You both need to communicate! It is important for a marriage! Tell the person what you want from this, and vice versa.” She sighed. “You need to stop wanting to force things, you need to be patient.”_

_“I am patient.” Kaidan glared._

_She frowned. “Are you? Because it seems you are trying so hard for a baby, thinking it will fix the marriage.”_

_Kaidan looked at her in shock._

_“Having a child while a marriage is like this, is a huge no!”_

_“But… I—”_

_“I know you want a family, but right now things are not looking so hot. Try to gain that spark back, Mr. Alenko, before bringing a child into the marriage.”_

_Kaidan opened his mouth, but she cut him off again._

_“Because I can assure you, from my experience, bringing a child into a broken marriage is not going to ‘solve’ the problem, instead it would create even more issues.”_

_He looked at Mya and sighed. “You’re right. No more baby talk. I promise.”_

He sighed, looking over his shoulder to see Jazmine standing there. “Hey.”

“Hey.” She laid her hand on his back. “Everything okay?” she asked him with concern. “Did the vacation work?”

He took a seat. “If it did, do you think I would be here?” He laughed bitterly. “We went to a marriage counselor, and she said I was using this baby to heal us.” He glared.

Jazmine sat next to him, and he saw her eyes trying to hide the fact she agreed with the counselor.

“You don’t… I…” he stuttered.

She sighed. “I mean, Kaidan, fuck.” She frowned. “You know my stance on _Mya Shepard_. You are just too stubborn to see it.” She crossed her arms. “You saw she was pulling away from you, and you decided for her that a family was going to be good for you two.”

“She wanted a family as well!” he shouted but calmed down.

“Did she?”

He stopped. “I… yes?”

“After the death of your son, she’s been pulling away even more from you, and because of this you are trying very hard to get her to be pregnant again.” She frowned. “Do you not see what it looks like?”

“But I just thought we could try again, you know?” He rubbed his hair. “I just thought if we had a baby—”

“She would love you again?” she cut him off, and he frowned.

“She… she does love me.”

She nodded. “Of course, but is she in love with you?”

“Of course!” He glared.

Jazmine nodded, standing up. “I’m not here to argue with you. Just here to help, as per usual,” she whispered, walking over to her table and taking out something to create. Something to get her mind working instead of dealing with him.

“I’m sorry. It’s just frustrating to defend myself.”

“You wouldn’t have to, if you stopped being in denial about things, Kaidan.” She looked at him with tired and sad eyes. “You deserve to be in a relationship where the other person loves you.” She glared as he opened his mouth. “Where the other person is in love with you.”

“Like you?”

She didn’t look at him. “Yes.”

He sighed. “Is that why you are still with me? Why you want to be ‘friends?’”

She placed her tools down. “I don’t want to be friends, Kaidan.” She turned to him. “I want to be more, and I guess I’m waiting...” She inhaled. “I’m waiting for you to be honest with me, Mya… and yourself.” Looking away, she said, “I’m a damn fool, you know.”

He stood up and walked over to her. “No, you’re not.”

“Yes, I am.” She clutched her hands. “For years, I’ve been waiting for you, because what we had was special. I know it was.” She sniffed. “I just believe truthfully that… we can be happy together.”

His eyes softened as she cried, his heart beating wildly, wanting to end things with Mya and just be with Jazmine.

That’s why she was crying in his chest, as he held her, and he meant it. They were in that position once again, because what they had was special. After the time they’d been together, he was starting to realize how much love he had for her.

Maybe… he was in love with her.

***

“Yeah, it’s a six-month job,” he told Mya, as he continued to pack.

She nodded. “Spectre job working you hard.” She chuckled.

He chuckled. “Yeah. Kicking my ass a little, but I enjoy it.” He frowned. “The Council, not so much.”

“God yes, I do not miss that part of the job.” She muttered.

He looked at her. She looked happier now, and he wondered if it was because of the vacation, or him. Maybe it wasn’t even him. Maybe his mind wasn’t playing tricks on him, and Vakarian was there. Maybe she met up with him, and they reconnected, and that was why she is so damn happy lately.

No, that was too far of a stretch.

“I’ll keep the house clean, don’t worry.” She grinned. “And I won’t eat myself to an early grave,” she joked, but sometimes he wondered if she was okay.

She always liked her dark comedy, but ever since they lost their son, there had been hints…

Of Mya being suicidal.

“Let’s not die, huh?” He chuckled, but inside he was screaming, please don’t kill yourself.

“You know me.” She looked forward, almost with a hollow-like look, similar to the one when they came home from the hospital. “Dying is just too damn hard for me to do,” she whispered.

He looked at her, concerned. It was as if a switch flipped, and now she was contemplating killing herself. He looked at the scar on her arm; it was pretty long, and he wondered if it wasn’t just a battle scar as she claimed it to be.

She blinked, and her mask was back up. “I hope you have a safe and amazing trip, Kaidan.” She kissed his lips.

There wasn’t a spark.

“Thanks, Mya.”

He left and made his way to the ship. He thought of Mya for a bit but focused back on his mission.

A week has passed since then, and once again, he makes his way to ‘her’ spot on the ship. She’s working at her tools, and he admires how beautiful she looks from behind.

Coughing, he gets her attention. “Hey.”

“Hey.” She smiles at him and turns back to her gadgets.

There is a silence between them, and he doesn’t know what to say. A part of him wants to spin her around and—

“Want to have sex?” She turns to looks at him. “I’m done waiting, and judging from how you like to look at me when I’m not looking…” She gets close. “I say you do.”

He shakes his head quickly. “I’m married.” He frowns. “I’m not going to cheat.”

She rolls her eyes. “Whatever, Kaidan.” She turns back to her tools.

He glares at her and leaves to his captain cabin in a huff. Sitting down, he glares because she’s fucking right. He wants to let go of his frustration of not getting what he wants for a very long time now since Mya isn’t giving him what he wants. For days and weeks, he would picture being with Jazmine at times when jerking himself off.

Mya isn’t doing anything to help the situation, because she’s always so damn half-assed with it. He understands the loss of their baby could do something like that, but it’s been months! Each time they have sex, it’s never satisfying. There was that one time during their vacation, but even that was horrible.

He had to think of Jazmine just to get off. He felt guilty, but she was gone for almost the whole fucking night. Then there was the time after the fucking appointment, and the bullshit she tried to feed him after he called her a slut. It was an honest mistake! He was just trying to cater to his wife’s obvious wild side.

So, sure, he had a little slip-up.

Okay, a big slip-up.

After the vacation, he thought of Jazmine a lot, pumping himself to her beautiful ass, and cute dimpled face, when alone, and he would picture Jazmine over Mya. He was still faithful physically, that’s what’s important.

Right?

He goes to call Mya because he should get something from her. A picture or video would do okay, he guesses. Just to keep him straight, because he really doesn’t want to cheat.

But he stops and stares at Mya’s name.

Because he doesn’t want to call her.

There is a sudden realization, and at first, he didn’t understand for a second as he continues to look at his wife’s name, but then he realizes he's just being in denial, again. For years he would push away what he knew for years, hoping it can't be true, even though...it was. 

'Actions speak louder than words', his father would tell him. He wonders if it was his way of telling him the truth about Mya.

Not like he would listen.

'Mya does love me.'

He thinks, staring at his wife's name, but the thought is full of misery as he thinks of her eyes and her mask. She always had a flicker in her eyes ever since they became a couple during the Reaper war as if she's changing from one person to another.

It was there, small at first, or maybe it was big and he chose to ignore it while she chose to hide it, but when their son died, and she began to pull away so fast he couldn't keep up.

It was obvious.

She doesn't love him.

She's not in love with him, and it breaks his heart. 

For years he's been in limbo with Mya ever since she died, and all he ever wanted was to love her. All he ever wanted was to go back to what they had. 

_'You can't go back.'_

Jazmine said that, and she's right. They could never go back to what was because people change. It would be foolish to think someone dies and nothing changes.

Because it does.

And, it hurts.

So, he cries.

A grown man isn't supposed to cry, but what is he supposed to do when everything around him is crumbling? What is he supposed to do at knowing his wife doesn't love him? What is he supposed to do when his son passes away? Should he yell? Should he break something? 

Seriously, what is he supposed to do? 

Because everything is hurting, and he doesn't know what to do.

"Kaidan?" 

Jazmine walks inside his cabin, and he tries to hide that he's crying, but she saw already. 

This isn't the first time, nor the last. 

"She doesn't love me." He finally admits and allows himself to cry in front of her. 

"Kaidan." She whispers. 

He places his hands on his face, "You were right." He inhales and tries to breathe, but his throat hurts from holding more tears back.

"I'm so sorry." She holds him tight, "I didn't mean to be so rude earlier. I guess I'm just tired of seeing you suffer like this because it hurts." 

He picks his head up and looks her in the eyes as she cries with him. 

"You deserve better, Kadian. You both do."

He glares, "You don't hate her? She's been lying for years, Jazmine! She could have...she could have..." He swallows hard. 

"Should have ended it?" Jazmine frowns, "And then what? Do you think you would have come to the same realization now? Or would you have been so hurt that you would deny the reality, and do something stupid?" She glares. 

"Of course I would come to the same realization! Why the hell would I do something stupid if-" 

She sighs, "Kaidan."

There is anger at wanting to just blame Mya for everything wrong, but that’s not right at all, because he’s just as much to blame for the relationship being the way it was. Thinking about the situation; for each time she’s been half there, lying to his face, he ignored the truth, wanting to deny the reality that:

They do not fit anymore.

"You knew. Don't lie to me." 

He glares, but then his face changes slowly to pain.

"I just...I just wanted to go back. Back in time when we would laugh, and love each other. Back to when she didn't die." He begs, knowing it will never happen. 

Jazmine wipes her eyes, "You can't go back, Kaidan. Even when she died, she couldn't go back." She holds his face, forcing him to look at her, "Let her go."

"I don't know if I can." 

"You can, Kaidan." She nods, "You have many times before." She smiles, "Let her go and be free from the past. Move on, and be happy, Kaidan." 

Her eyes soften, and he stares, feeling something change in him. 

"Because I've seen it before."

He starts to remember all the times Jazmine has been there for him. He starts to remember the first time they met.

They spark.

The love.

The…everything.

Something lifts from his body, as he takes a deep breath, and lets his emotions flow through him.

He smiles. 

"You've always been there for me." 

She giggles, "Through thick and thin." 

She pulls away from him, and takes a seat on his bed, looking everywhere but at him as he stares at her, smiling.

"Jazmine." 

She hums. 

"Can you give me some more time?" 

She looks at him in shock as he wipes his face. 

"I just need to process everything first before I start anything new." He grabs her hand, "Don't give up on me yet."

There is a little disappointment in her eyes, which is expected, but she genuinely smiles and nods.

She stands up, "I'll leave you alone then."

She kisses his lips lightly, and he looks at her in shock, but not upset. If anything, it made him happy, feeling a spark he hasn't felt for a long time.

"If you need me, call, okay?" She winks.

He smiles, "Okay." 

Jazmine smiles at him again and begins leaving before he grabs her hand, squeezing. 

"Hey."

She turns, tilting her head at him, and squeezing his hand back. 

“I promise, after this mission, I’ll talk to Mya,” he said.

There is a silence as they looked into each other eyes, telling one another their feelings.

"Okay, Kaidan. Of course, I will be there for you, and after, we can celebrate with whiskey." She grins. "Maybe other things?" She suggests. 

"Maybe other things don't have to wait that long." He blushes, and she gasps.

"Are you sure?" 

He inhales, "actually, yeah if you don't mind that is."

"You do know what that means, right?" She crosses her arms. 

"Yeah, I know, but you know what?"

Her eyebrows raise.

"Going base on reality here, it doesn't matter." He sighs, "things changed, and can never go back. Our marriage is just full of lies and fantasies."

"Kadian." She frowns.

He smiles, "it's okay, really. I'm okay." He reaches for her hand again and squeezes, "so, if you don't mind. Think we can do other things?"

Jazmine smiles, "I would like that, Kaidan." She giggles, "I will make sure to put on my sexy lingerie when the time comes."

He laughs, "you really have sexy lingerie on hand?"

"No, but our next stop is a planet I know that sells some." She grins.

"I can't wait." He whispers, already picturing the things they would do.

Another moment of silence happens, and Jazmine takes the hint the conversation is over until Kaidan speaks again. 

"Thank you, Jazmine." His eyes soften, "For everything." 

She nods, "Of course, Kaidan. All I want for you is to be happy." 

Their eyes met, and they both smile as she leaves his cabin, giving him the alone time he needs to embrace everything.

“It's time to stop being in denial.”

He lays back in bed, looking up at the stars, before closing his eyes.

Allowing reality to finally set in. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Believe it or not. I like Kaidan. I like his romance in the game. 
> 
> Having him cheat as well doesn't make it okay for Mya to do it just FYI. Each of my characters has their own sins, but they are not bad people.
> 
> As I said before, there are no heroes or villains, just people with emotions and choices.


	11. Changed

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Finally enjoying that everything has changed

Mya glares at the door, ready to walk through it to finally meet Garrus, but relents once again, because she’s nervous as hell. She never thought leaving her home for six months to stay with Garrus would be so damn hard. Not because she feels guilty, but because she feels her insecurities beating her up.

What if she is too fat, and breaks something?

What if she does something he doesn’t like, so he kicks her out?

What if—

“Ma’am, do you need help?”

She turns to see a flight attendant looking at her with wide eyes, wondering when she is going to get the fuck off the ship.

She bites her lips. “No, sorry.” She walks out and nervously walks towards the exit to get her things and meet with Garrus. Her legs are shaking, and her stomach is ready to throw up. She prays she’s not pregnant because the only person she wants to get pregnant by is—

“Garrus?” She looks at her omni-tool, seeing his name flash. “H-hey!”

“Hey, where are you? I saw your ship land, and thought you would be out by now.”

“Yeah, sorry. I guess I’m nervous.”

He chuckles. “Why?”

“I don’t know.” Grabbing her bags, she continues, “Because I am going to be alone with you. It’s been years, Garrus, years of you not knowing what I am like to live with.” She huffs, as she struggles a bit to get her largest bag in the cart.

“Don’t be, Mya. We changed, but that happens as years go by. Won’t stop me from being with you.”

She sighs. “Garrus.”

“If you’re having second thoughts, I understand.”

She can hear the sadness in his voice.

“Just tell me if you want to head back to Earth because I don’t want to look like an idiot.” He laughs.

“No, I want this.” She smiles softly at seeing his back, turned away from her.

_Rookie mistake, Big Guy._

“Mya, are you lying to me?” His voice gets deeper, and she shivers as she makes her way towards him. “If you don’t want this, tell me. I will not get mad, okay. I will always be ther—” He pauses as he feels her small hands rubbing his waist.

Turning around, he sees Mya smiling at him while looking nervous. He chuckles as he pulls her in close, and without a second thought, bends to her level, kissing her on the lips. She moans softly in the kiss, smiling at feeling him hold her again.

“I want this, Big Guy.”

He lets her touch the ground again and chuckles. “Sorry, didn’t mean to lift you there.”

She giggles. “It’s okay. I love when you carry me.” She grins before she sees a glint in his eyes. “Wait, no, I take that back!”

He winks.

“Don’t you dare think about it, Garrus! I am fat!”

He laughs. “No, you are not.” They start to make their way to his sky car.

“Only because I am sucking in my gut.” She sighs and slaps her stomach. “See? Fat.”

He pokes her stomach and rolls his eyes. “A volus is fat, you just have a stomach, which isn’t even that big.” He chuckles at her pout. “I’m sorry. If you are trying to get me to find you unattractive, that is not going to work.” He grabs the biggest bag, and without effort, brings it to the car.

“Damn, I do not have the strength anymore,” she grumbles, as she tries to grab the second largest bag.

He takes a hold of it, without issues, and she glares at him. “What? Just let me do it.” He laughs. taking it to the car. “What did you bring? Your whole house?” His brow plates move. “You trying to live with me? Because I would love that.”

She giggles, going for a bag, and putting it in the car. “Nice try, Big Guy, but no, I am not.” She watches him take the last bag, and look at her with longing.

“Well, if you ever change your mind.” He bends to her level. “My home is your home.”

She looks into his eyes, and can’t stop herself from kissing him. Her hands hold his face to hers, and they just indulge in the kiss, loving the way everything seems to be fit. She sighs, as his tongue slips into her mouth, but remembers they are in public, and pulls away. She’ll have his long tongue eventually, just not right now.

“Come on, we don’t want people to watch us.” He gives a stupid chuckle, before closing the trunk, and joining her in the car.

As he drives, she looks around the new Citadel. It’s full of beauty, and every walk of life, while being planet-side. She never expected Ilos to become the new Citadel, but here it is, big and beautiful, full of extremely tall buildings, and big industries made for consumers.

Truly a remarkable sight.

She wants to live here.

“So, how long is a long time?’”

She looks at him and smiles. “Sex.”

He looks at her. “When?”

She blinks, realizing what she said. “Oh, god! I mean six! Six months!”

He laughs. “Six, huh? Okay, I can really enjoy that, but are you sure you will want to leave after that?” He chuckles.

“Eyes on the road, Big Guy.” She rolls her eyes. “I’ll be just fine.”

She tells him this, but in her head, she is panicking, because Garrus could very well be right. How the hell is she going to become Myana Alenko after this? This is going to make or break her all at once.

However, living with Garrus for six months is going to be amazing.

“Tell me.”

She snaps out of her thoughts, looking at him oddly because his face is so serious.

“Is it the cheating that is making you happy?” He looks at her. “Or…?”

She stares at him and bites her lips. She questions this herself; if it’s the cheating that is making her giddy inside. Some people cheat because it’s hot or an addiction, but Garrus… Garrus isn’t some addiction; he isn’t something she can just have fun with.

Garrus is someone she is in love with.

“No.”

He looks at her.

“You are more than just ‘cheating.’” She sighs. “It’s hard to think that way because a simple person would just say ‘get a divorce,’ but it’s more complicated than that.”

He hums. “Or, you are making it more complicated than that.”

She looks at him, and can see his eyes deeply thinking of something, but refuses to say anything. She can tell though because she knows Garrus just as much as he knows her. She can tell he wants to tell her to break things off with Kaidan, and just be with him. He just doesn’t want to say it, because he wants her to want it, and not because he wants it.

He’s changed so much, she’s almost jealous, and scared she’s not keeping up. Scared he will eventually tire of waiting for her to just be with him.

“Maybe.”

***

Getting to Garrus’ apartment isn’t too bad, and seeing how Garrus wants to show off by holding all her bags, Mya is having a great time so far.

“The passcode is 0915.”

She looks at him suspiciously, and he chuckles.

“Yes, it’s your birthday,” he says, rolling his eyes.

“So obsessed with me, huh?” She types in the passcode and they enter inside.

“Only a little.” He winks and puts her bags down. “So, do you want help unpacking, or would you mind if I step out for a bit?”

She smiles. “Nope, go ahead. I think I’ll be okay here.”

He nods and kisses her on the lips before leaving.

With Garrus gone, she looks around. He has a nice apartment, from the looks of it. Smaller than the one she had on the old Citadel, and that’s fine. One bathroom and one bedroom. He has a kitchen, living room, and a small workout area.

Grinning, she walks over to the weights and goes to lift one. Not bad, she can handle… five pounds! Oh, hell no! Going for the ten-pound weight, she struggles a bit but tries anyway. Until she can’t anymore, and glares at herself in the mirror.

“Fuck me…” She really let herself go. Grabbing a piece of her belly fat, she pushes her stomach more out and squeezes more.

When the hell did she start caring so much about her body?

Oh, when Garrus suddenly appeared in her life again. For so long, she had been okay with gaining weight. Now she… wants to look good for him. Wants to work out, and put in the effort. If not for him, then for her. Working out was so fun, but like everything in her life, the fun was sucked out of it.

Turning away, she goes to unpack her things in his room, sharing drawer space with him. She hums, feeling content as if this is where she should be. Looking outside, she smiles at the kids walking around. Maybe this is where she should be.

After packing away her things, Mya starts to look around with a smile on her face, wondering what else is there to see in his apartment. It’s the afternoon, so it’s been one hour since he left.

“Where are you, Garrus?”

She starts to feel a bit worried. Did he get hurt? Should she ask around? She stops to see the picture that was last taken from her apartment on the old Citadel. She had a small smile on her face, with Kaidan’s arms around her, and Garrus was standing behind her.

Taking it down, she stares at it for a while, then gasps when it changes to Garrus looking and sitting next to her. Kaidan is in the back, but she didn't notice, because all she can do is look at her and Garrus in the center, happy, and she’s even smiling her wide smile, looking at him.

“Normandy,” she repeats the phrase with a sniff. How long has it been since she’s seen, everyone? The only people she stayed in contact with were Miranda and Jack, but they are her best friends.

The door opens up, and she spins around to see Garrus, with flowers in his hands. She smiles but stops to see him look at the photo in her hand, worried.

“Let me explain.”

She looks down. “You don’t have to.” She hums. “Maybe a little.”

He sighs. “I… sort of asked someone to do that for me, when I was super depressed about you choosing him over me.” He groans. “I’m pretty sure the guy is dead now, but I was so depressed, and just pictured Kaidan out of the picture, and—”

She grabs his arm. “It’s okay. I understand.” She places it down.

He looks at the photo. “Just couldn’t… stop picturing a time where it was us who were together not you and him.” He sighs. “I mean… I still kind of do it…” He looks in panic. “But not—”

“Garrus!” She laughs, grabbing his arms. “Relax, Big Guy.”

It is at this moment; she realizes how nervous he is right now. Taking the flowers, she inhales the scent. It’s different from the flowers on Earth, but they smell amazing. Walking over to his kitchen, she lays the flowers down, and searches to see if she can find someplace to keep them.

“Do you have a vase, or something, to keep the flowers fresh?” She turns around and smiles at him.

He just looks at her with a look of surprise.

“Garrus?”

“Right!” He coughs. “Let me...go and...get one.” He chuckles nervously.

She nods and waits until he grabs a vase.

After setting it up by a window, she takes a seat on his couch. Patting it, she signals for him to join her, and he does without question.

“You’re nervous.”

He leans back and sighs. Without a thought, she straddles his lap, and kiss his mouth. He sighs into the kiss, holding her by the ass and squeezing.

“Better?” She pulls back.

“Much.”

Laying her head on his chest, she sighs softly.

“I… just want this to be perfect.” He chuckles, combing through her hair. “I had this moment planned out, you know.”

She giggles. “I understand.” Standing up, she turns to the mirror. “I’ve changed so much… I really let myself go.”

Garrus walks up behind her, wrapping his arms around her. “I changed as well.” Their eyes meet through the mirror, and she smiles. “Why are you smiling?”

“I don’t know.” She bites her lips. “Just happy.”

He hums, licking at her neck. “Why?”

Turning around, she looks up at him. “Because, we changed so much, yet there is still a connection.” She notices the age around his eyes and reaches up to touch his mandibles.

“We have changed, huh?”

“I’m fat, you’re old.”

“Hey!” He laughs. “You’re older than me by two years.”

She winks, pulling out of his arms. “I died for two years. Pretty sure my body didn’t age.”

She looks up at him, as he checks himself out. After rolling his eyes, he looks at her with a funny look.

“So, what you are saying is, you’re the same age as me.”

She grins as he narrows his eyes at her.

“That means you’re old as well!”

She laughs, hugging him tightly.

Garrus rolls his eyes, and hugs her back, taking in her scent. 

“Are you going to tell me why you took an hour to get home, Big Guy?” She mutters on his chest, before tilting her head up to look at him.

He hums. “Well, I was setting up a… dinner date for us.” His mandibles twitch nervously.

She smiles softly at him, and giggles at his nervousness.

“Unless you don’t want that, in case people would recognize you.” He coughs, and she could feel his body becoming hotter.

She shakes her head. “No, it’s okay. People do not recognize me anymore. I look too depressed, lately.” Looking back at his chest, “Too much Mya Shepard, not enough Commander Shepard.” She whispers, becoming sad.

He grabs her chin, and their eyes meet. “I love Mya Shepard.”

She gives small smile, feeling happy again.

“She is smart, kind, beautiful, and just amazing.”

“Garrus.” She sniffs, "I love you."

"I love you too, Mya," He kisses her lips.

Pulling away from his kiss, she turns to see the picture on a stand and walks over to it. Grabbing it, she begins to click around the picture, as she walks back over to Garrus, who is now sitting down and looking at her oddly, she grins at him.

"Let's keep it like this."

She changes the image, which features her and Garrus, then shows it to him.

"I like this one better."

"I like it too." He said, putting his arm over her shoulder, bringing her close. "I know it never happened, but it's still somewhat special." 

She giggles, "I agree."

They continue to stare at the picture in happiness, and she traces their images with her finger, wanting nothing more than to stay in this moment forever. 

***

“I’m Commander Shepard, and I want you to join the Alliance.”

She stares at herself, as the poster animates her ‘daily routine,’ showcasing what Alliance soldiers do. It is from when she was forced into the public eye, to sell the Alliance to more humans.

God, she hated those days.

“Such an inspiration.”

She turns to see an asari smiling at the animated poster.

“That’s the hero of the galaxy, you know.” She grins, looking at Mya.

“Yeah.” After a small moment, Mya goes to wash her hands, trying not to listen to the same prompt again. Leaving the restroom, she starts to make her way back to the table when the same asari stops her.

“You know, you look so much like Commander Shepard.” She tilts her head.

Mya smiles. “I get that sometimes, but that’s not me.”

The asari nods, says she is sorry and leaves her alone.

Taking her seat, Mya smiles at the turian before her.

“For a moment, I thought you ran out on me.” He chuckles.

“If I did, you would have known.” She giggles, looking at the food before her.

“Damn right.”

Their eyes meet, and she can’t stop her heart from racing.

“I’m still surprised no one can recognize you,” he says, biting into his food.

She smiles. “After not being in the public eye for a long time, gaining all my weight, and growing my hair…” She bites into her dextro-based food. “No one can tell.”

“I guess you’re not wrong, but come on, it’s so obvious.” He chuckles.

“Garrus, do you want someone to know it’s me?” Her eyebrows raise.

“No.” He winks. “Just kind of amazed is all.”

She looks over to a singer singing a soft, sad song. “Sometimes, heroes change so much that they become unrecognizable.” She smiles. “The public is so… fickle. They love to chase after the next big thing.” She looks at Garrus.

“I’ll chase you any day.”

She giggles. “Of course you will.” She eats some more. “I might be the hero of the galaxy, but that was seven years ago.” She looks into his eyes. “Other big things are happening, besides how fat I got, you know?”

He rolls his eyes. “I love your body.” He leans forward, giving her sex eyes. “More to handle in bed.”

“Oh?” She bites her lips, feeling horny and suddenly okay with her body change.

“Yup.”

She grins and reaches her leg over to his.

“I want to show you what I can do with this new body of yours.”

She swallows hard, squeezing her legs tight. “Like what?”

“I prefer to show than tell, my little minx.” His eyes glint and she wonders if he’s hard.

With a small smile, her legs reach between his, and she feels the bulge in his pants.

“You’re evil.”

“Muhaha,” she giggles, as her feet continue to rub along his hardening cock.

His eyes darken, and he coughs. “Waiter!”

Back home, Garrus takes her jacket off and places it in the closet. She hums, going over to the kitchen, putting away the take-home food in the fridge. Grabbing some wine and glasses, she makes her way over to the turian, who is sitting and messing with his collar.

“Hot?”

“You? Yes,” he flirts, and she rolls her eyes.

“Garrus.” She giggles.

Sitting down, Mya pours them each a glass.

“So.”

He takes his glass. “So.”

She shows him her glass. “To change.”

“To change.”

Their glasses clink, and they drink.

As Garrus takes his shower, she is in her towel drying off, and looking at herself in the mirror. Peeking over at the bedroom door, she bites her lips, and takes off the towel, wanting to examine herself.

There is a moment to just… take in everything. All the scars, all the rolls… all the cybernetics.

After shooting the tube at the top of the Crucible, she ran her way back to the beam that was still connected down on Earth. She still had time before the beam went off, and it felt like Anderson himself was pushing her to get out. She will never forget that man. He was more than just a captain, more than a mentor. He was like the father she never had, who kept telling her to run and be free.

So, she kept running.

It was exhausting, and her body was in so much pain, to the point she fell to her knees, panting. She will still remember, seeing all those… bodies on the floor again.

It was a thing of nightmares.

But she never gave up.

She crawled her ass towards that beam, and when she got to it, she lost her arm.

But she was alive.

Now, her left arm is cybernetic, although it looks real. She was lucky that day, but the horror still plays in her head sometimes.

“Hey.”

She turns to see Garrus, with a towel around his waist, still a little wet.

“Everything okay?” He looks at her, saddened, and she realizes she is crying.

“Oh, sorry.” She looks down. “I didn’t know I was crying. Was thinking about the beam… how I got out… and Anderson.”

He walks over to her and holds her as she whimpers. Even with him wet, he feels so warm, so safe.

“Garrus.” She looks up at him. “Make love to me.”

He looks at her. “Are… are you sure?”

She nods. “Yes.”

He takes his towel off and lifts her, bridal style to the bed. She gasps in shock, holding onto him, afraid he might drop her. He only chuckles, and easily takes her to the bed. They begin to kiss deeply, and his hands are already touching her body.

She moans at feeling his talons and shakes when he goes to lick at her neck. Breathing heavily, she bites her lips when he grabs both her thighs and getting in-between them. His hands grab both of her wrists, as he grinds against her. Their eyes meet, before going back to kissing deeply once more.

It isn’t long before one of his hands is holding both her wrists, as the other decides to play with her body. She whines a little, but he looks at her with dark eyes and bites her a little when she pouts at him.

When his hand reaches between her legs, she gasps at the feeling of him rubbing at her clit. Her legs go too close but are stopped by his. She pants in the night, as he enters her with his finger. Whimpering, she calls out to him, and his response is kissing her again. He starts to move a little faster, causing her body to arch.

Pulling away from her mouth, he leans down to lick at her perked nipples, causing her to jerk a little with each lick. She’s begging him to enter her fully, to finally take her, but he doesn’t, and she whines, earning her a light slap to the thigh.

“Please.” She whimpers.

He chuckles. “I’ve waited for a very long time for this.” Narrowing his eyes, he says, “I am going to savor this moment.”

Before she can talk, he kisses her again. His tongue grows longer in her mouth, the more turned on he becomes, and she welcomes it. After multiple times of being under him, she knows turian anatomy, and fuck, did she miss his long tongue.

His finger is pumping into her quicker, as he fucks her with his tongue. Her body feels overly stimulated, as she reaches her breaking point of no return. Her body picks up from the bed, her toes are curling, and she sucks harder onto his tongue.

She’s seeing stars.

Moaning, she cums onto his hand, shaking and jerking as she rides her orgasm. It’s the same as when she slept with him on her vacation.

No.

This time is even better, as her body continues to shake, with even a slight touch from him.

He pulls away, bringing his long tongue back inside of his mouth. She is trying to calm down, but her body will not stop shaking. Grabbing the bed, she humps at the air, wanting to feel something again, as her clit pluses and trembles.

Garrus watches her, still holding her wrist with one of his hands, and without pause, he uses his talons on her gently, making sure not to cause too much damage to her skin. She moans his name once more, as her body shakes with another orgasm.

“Damn,” he whispers. “I still got it.”

She glares at him even as her body trembles. “Fucking… cocky asshole.”

He laughs and frees her wrists to look through a drawer.

“What are you doing?”

“Looking for protection.” He hums. “One moment must be in another area.” He goes to get up, but she stops him. “Mya?”

“Y-you don’t need it.”

He tilts his head. “But you had that surgery. I could get you pregnant.”

She sighs, and looks out the window, remembering the children from earlier. A thought passes by her, wondering if she should just let it happen. To become pregnant again, and this time to have a higher chance at a miscarriage, or worse, a stillbirth again. It just doesn’t make sense to do it.

Yet, all she can think about is a family with Garrus.

Something she wants.

Turning her head, she looks up at Garrus, and he settles on top of her, licking and lightly nipping at her neck.

“Are you sure, Mya?” he whispers, and she looks out of the corner of her eyes, to see him looking at her. Wanting to make sure this is what she wants.

“Are you clean?” she whispers. “You’ve been with other women. So, are you clean?”

He leans up. “Of course I am.”

She nods. “Then, I am sure.” Her arms wrap around his neck, bringing him close. “I want this, Garrus,” she whispers, and they kiss once more.

As he enters her, she whimpers at him stretching her again. She isn’t that tight like she used to be when they first had sex during the Normandy SR-2 days, but Garrus is still an alien, and he’s different from Kaidan.

So, her body just needs to get used to him again, is all. That’s why it is so nice of him to take his time. Not only to give her time to adjust but because it’s nice to savor this moment. It’s the beginning of the many, many times, they will have sex, plus, the first time is always so special.

Also, hot.

“Garrus.” She moans as she clings onto him tightly with her legs and arms.

He grunts with each powerful, deep thrust. Her body is getting slick with sweat, and she begs him to go faster, which he happily does.

He quietly curses, as she squeezes his cock with her walls, wanting to feel him stretch her again. At first, it was painful, but now it just feels amazing. She’s not as flexible as she once was, but he doesn’t seem to mind. He leans up slightly, stopping for a moment to grab the back of her knees.

Pushing them forward helps a lot with the chafing, and when he pulls completely out, just to drive himself inside roughly, she can’t help but shout in surprise and pleasure.

“Spirits, you’re beautiful.” He drives into her harder, rougher, and his head leans back as he thrusts into her repeatedly.

One of her hands is on the sheets, gripping them for dear life, while the other is rubbing at her clit. She begs for his talons, and he looks down at her, before doing what she wants. It’s almost a calming effect when he does so because it’s what she likes, what she loves, what she wants. There is some blood, but nothing too crazy, never too crazy, although she can tell it’s getting him going.

Leaning his large body back over her, she can feel him deeper, as he hits her g-spot. With each thrust, it’s almost like a shock to her system, and each shock is getting her closer to her climax.

Closer.

Closer.

“Garrus!” she cries out, grabbing his fringe as he drives harder and deeper into her. There is suddenly a wet feeling, filling her, and she realizes it's Garrus cumming into her. He doesn’t stop thrusting, as he fills her body with his seed.

When he finishes, he’s just breathing heavily against her neck, as she calms down from her high as well. He feels so heavy on top of her. If he were to just pass out, he would crush her. Crush her like the big fucking… giant he is.

"So much to handle," He rubs at her thighs, "I love it." He whispers.

“Sh...shut up, Garrus.” she rasps, as he starts to lick at her neck affectionately, telling her he loves her in his alien way.

“Make me.” He chuckles, before going back to licking. “Better yet, show me. I want to feel more of what your thick body could do.”

He pulls back, and she licks her lips.

"Give me a reason to shut up, Mya." He whispers and she shivers at his taunting ways.

His eyes are full of fun and playfulness. She couldn’t help but relish the feeling of being in his arms. There is no doubt that this is the place she should be. These are the arms she should have around her.

"Call me Commander Shepard, Vakarian." She grins and 'pushes' him on his back.

His eyes show excitement, "I like where this is going."

"As your commanding officer, you will do as I say, Vakarian." She playfully glares while slowly lowering herself on him.

He grins, "too big for you, Commander?"

She glares before taking a breath and taking him all in, feeling it a lot deeper than before. 

"Fuck you, Big Guy."

He winks, "you already are, Commander." He thrusts, and she gasps at the feeling.

"Garrus!" She glares at him before grabbing his arms and placing them above his head.

"Yes, Commander Shepard?"

She kisses him, "you are a fucking asshole." She grins and begins to move her hips.

"Just want to have fun Comman-"

He groans in pleasure as she bites his neck, making sure to leave a mark. Pulling away, she grins at his shocked face, before leaning forward, and kissing his mouth as she begins to ride him.

_Is that reason enough?_

She smirks at the animalistic look in his eyes, daring him to speak, but he stays quiet, 'shutting up' after what she did, and listens to all her commands.

She could see the hunger in his eyes as she bounces on his thrusting hips. 

She could see him giving all of himself to her.

"You're all mine." She moans, throwing her head back.

She's no idiot.

She knew exactly what she did.

Hours later, Mya wakes up to Garrus snoring, and she smiles, looking at him affectionately. Her eyes focus on the mark she left him, and touch it lightly, wondering if he is going to wake up. When he doesn't stop snoring, she leans forward and kisses it softly. There is a desire to want him to bite her back, but she wonders how she would get him to do it.

Turning on her side, she looks at her wedding ring and realized that for him to mark her back, she going to have to give up her marriage. 

She glares at it, hating it for trapping her in something that she doesn't want, but then starts to hate herself for putting herself in that position anyway. Everything was twisting and twirling out of control in her mind, and she could feel herself falling back into that sense of guilt that she let guide her life. 

Garrus pulls her into his body, and she swallows, wondering if she woke him.

"I could feel you beating yourself up." He grumbles, rubbing her thighs, "Stop."

"Sorry." She whispers.

He hums, "Tell me what you want."

His head is on top of hers as they spoon, and his body is a furnace, warming her body from the chill of the room.

"I want to change and become who I truly am." She whispers. 

He chuckles, "You already have changed Mya." 

There is a moment of silence as she takes in what he said. Of course, Garrus would say that, not that she is complaining, but it's hard to really accept that she has changed. For years she's been someone different ever since the war, so it's hard to see that she's not that person anymore.

"About earlier." 

He hums, and she looks at her ring, lights shining from the moonlight.

"You're right. I am making it more complicated." 

She reaches for the ring, and studies it, wondering if she can finally accept her change. He lightly bites her, and she moans softly, wishing it was him marking her instead. 

"Just take your time, Mya. I'm not going anywhere anytime soon." His hands reach between her legs, and she becomes wet.

She begins to pant, "Garrus." Her legs open, and he's entering her. 

Maybe this is what she really needed. Get the hell away from everything concerning Kaidan to get her mind right. Hell, staying from Garrus for two years definitely put things in perspective about her love for him.

"Wait." She gasps, and Garrus stops. 

"Everything okay?" 

She swallows, "Can you hide my ring?" She passes it to him, "I don't want to know where it is." 

He stares at her, and then at the ring as if wondering what this all means. Their eye meets again, and he nods, before standing up. He leaves the room, and she waits, bringing her knees to her chest, sitting there. Her mind goes back to Kaidan, and she feels happy to finally be away from it all. There is still so much guilt, but she hopes this time away can truly help her let everything about him go.

Allowing her to finally be herself, and with the person, she really wants.

Garrus walks back inside, and he doesn't say a word as he climbs onto the bed to kiss her. 

Slowly their bodies lay back onto the bed, and he takes her again.

As Kaidan disappears from her mind, she could feel her body relaxing with acceptance while the guilt slowly releases from her body.

Finally enjoying that everything has changed.


	12. Stay With Me Forever

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> She wants that too

_Stay with me forever._

This single thought has been in his head the entire time since Mya came to visit. This means, for a whole month, he hasn’t been able to stop himself from begging her to stay with him, but he refuses to say it aloud.

Why?

Because he doesn’t want to guilt her into staying with him. He wants every decision to be of her choice. He wants to be her first; he wants to be her last.

He wants to be her everything.

“Garrus,” she moans.

Her hands and knees are on the bed, as he works his cock in and out of her from behind. He’s grunting with each powerful thrust, as his arm holds her by the waist while his other arm keeps him steady gripping the bed.

Their bodies are moving in harmony with each other, and he goes as rough as he wants. She begs for harder, and he goes harder. She wants faster, he gets faster. Sex with Mya is the best thing to ever happen to him. They might have changed, but at least the sex is as hot as ever. It’s why he thinks she should just stay here forever.

And never go back to a life she doesn’t even want.

“Mya.” He groans, releasing himself into her, filling her with his seed in hopes of having a child with her.

When she said no protection, he gladly threw them all away. They did talk more about the possibility of pregnancy, and she said if it ever occurs, she really will end things with Kaidan.

So, he’s working extra hard. It’s a twenty percent chance.

But twenty is better than zero.

As they breathe heavily into the night, he licks at her affectionately, to make her moan softly. It’s only a matter of time until his tongue goes dry, so until then he continues to lick. When they finally cuddle into bed together, Mya is humming and playing with his fringe.

“I like when you do that.” He chuckles.

She smiles. “Your fringe is so odd.”

His brow plates raise.

“Just so different. I never expected to find it so endearing.”

He looks at her. “Well, you do know it’s all the rage when it comes to turians. Although, I think it’s too long.”

“Looks like a cockatoo.” She laughs, as he stares at her funny.

“Did you compare me to a bird? Again?” He can’t help but laugh with her.

It isn’t the first time she’s called him a cockatoo. The first time was years ago, and he was so confused and insulted, but now, he just finds it funny.

“I’m sorry!” Climbing on top of him, she rubs at his fringe again. “Not as colorful.” When she starts to grind on him, he bucks, causing her to stop and moan.

“Horny again?”

She chuckles. “Just sensitive.” Leaning down, she kisses him on the mouth, and he can’t help spinning her around to take her again.

In the morning, he wakes up not really wanting to get up. Instantly, his arms are searching for her warm body, but he realizes she’s not there. Sitting up, he lazily looks to see that she is gone, and wonders where she could be.

Now, he has an important choice here.

Wake completely up.

Or, just go back to sleep.

He decides to fall back to sleep because wherever Mya is, she can handle herself. Grabbing her pillow, he spoons it while smelling her scent. As he tries to go back to sleep, the door opens, and he opens his eyes to see Mya wearing nothing but an apron.

“Morning, Big Guy.” She grins, holding food in her hand. “I made you breakfast.”

He chuckles, sitting up and taking the food from her. “Wow. So thoughtful of you.” He looks at the food and narrows his eyes. “Do you even know how to make turian food?”

“Nope! I also don’t even make breakfast in bed, so you’re going to eat it.”

He hums, looking at the food, and takes a bite. Instantly, he can feel the wrongness of it all, and he jumps out of bed to clean his mouth with water.

Walking out, he looks at Mya with a fearful look. “Okay, from now on, I am going to do the cooking in this house.”

She pouts. “Come on, it wasn’t that bad.” She takes a bite and runs to the bathroom in the same fashion.

“Who’s right?” He laughs, leaning against the door.

Standing straight, she frowns. “You’re right.” Looking sad, she sighs. “I just wanted to be a good girlfriend, and cook you breakfast in bed.”

They both stare at each other when she calls herself his girlfriend. Her eyes are wide, and she looks like she wants to run and hide. Feeling the happiness swell in his heart at being seen as her boyfriend, he pulls her close and kisses her lips.

“Well, as your boyfriend, I think I have to be honest, and say you are horrible at cooking.”

She pouts.

“But I can teach you, okay?”

She grins. “Okay, Garrus.”

They kiss, and he can’t stop himself from lifting her and bringing her naked body to the shower for some fun.

As Mya washes her hair, he stares at the mark from a month ago, touching it lightly. Ever since that moment, he couldn't stop himself from looking at it any chance he gets because he never expected her to do that. 

It's not like they never bite and scratch each other in bed. They sometimes become primal in bed. Hell, it's one of the reasons why he thinks they are perfect.

But, this bite is different. 

What she did was mark him as hers, which he doesn't mind, but it feels unfair, seeing how he can't do it to her. 

"Mark me back."

He turns around to see her hair sticking to her wet body as she looks up at him through the strains. He blinks, unsure of how to approach this.

"No." He said in a sorrowful tone. To mark Mya would be a dream, but he won't do it.

Not when she's going back into Alenko's arms in a few months.

She frowns, "I know what I did, Big Guy, yet you still won't do it back to me."

He sighs, "you know why I can't, Mya."

She didn't say anything, but there is sadness in her eyes. Still, he won't do it. Not until he really has her as his. 

Only his.

"I understand." She smiles, moving hair from her face, "let me make it up to you." 

She takes his hand and places it on her body. 

"Mark me differently." She whispers seductively, and he was ready to pounce on her. 

His talons scratch her lightly, and their breaths quicken. 

"Make me yours, Garrus." She moans.

The beating of his heart is loud in his ears as he claims her differently, and of course, he couldn't stop the same thought from leaving his mind. It’s implanted there because it’s all he wants from her.

_Stay here forever, Mya._

***

Another month passes by, and he’s pissed off at her because sometimes she just gets on his nerves.

Not everything is sunshine and fucking rainbows with her. This is a woman with a set of problems that need to be addressed, but she won’t speak about it. He loves that she opens up to him, but he can’t be her one and only person to talk to.

She needs a professional.

“Just one time, Mya. Just one!” He glares. “This person is a good one. I promise you.”

She glares at him. “Are you fucking serious, Garrus? I thought this was supposed to be a vacation away from my shitty life! I don’t want help from another shitty therapist!” she screams, walking into the bedroom.

He stomps towards the door but stops because it’s locked. “What the…?” He tries the code, and it fails.

She changed the code!

“Mya! Open the door!” He shouts.

“No! Fuck you!”

He glares. “You can’t be serious right now!” He’s in disbelief because she’s really locked him out of their bedroom!

“I don't want to talk to or see you right now! And I don’t want to see a damn therapist! I’m fine!”

He feels angry, pissed, furious, and just…sad. He promised himself he wouldn’t push her to do anything she didn’t want to, but he’s not an idiot.

She is still suffering.

There is so much love he can pour into her, so much time and effort he can give her, but he’s just not a professional. Living with her is amazing, but sometimes it can be draining when she falls into a deep depression. He can make her smile after, treat her well, but that doesn’t change the problem.

It just places medi-gel on it.

He doesn’t want to be angry. He hates the arguments they seem to always have when he brings it up, but he just hates to see her suffer.

With a sigh, he sits on the couch and picks up a datapad featuring houses he’s been looking at. There is one house with three bedrooms and four bathrooms. Another with two bedrooms and two bathrooms. The last one is his favorite, a house with five bedrooms and four bathrooms.

Big enough to fit a large family.

He shakes his head at the thought, knowing that will probably not happen with Mya, but he can always hope. Putting the datapad away, and laying on the couch, he takes a nap. It’s not until nighttime that he wakes up, to see her on top of him. His arms wrap around her waist, pulling her close, and she whimpers.

“I’m sorry, Garrus.” She has dry tears on her face and about-to-form new ones. “I’m scared, okay?” She sniffs.

He combs at her curly hair. “I’m sorry, too. I don’t want to push you, but I just don’t know what else I can do to make you happy,” he whispers.

“For years… I’ve been trying for help, but nothing works.” She cries on his chest. “I talk, I take medication. Nothing seems to work.”

“You don’t have to take meds with this doctor; all you have to do is talk.”

She whimpers.

“Would it be easier if I did it with you?”

She nods. “Please.”

He nods, and sits up, with her clinging to him. Opening up his omni-tool, he calls the person he’s been talking to for years about his problems. A person that even Mya will open up to. Someone trusted.

Kelly Chambers.

By morning, they made their way to Kelly's officer with Mya looking scared and worried because she is scared of being judged. As they sit and wait in the waiting area, Garrus notices there are a few people around, and he wonders how long they have to wait.

Kelly walks out of an office door and smiles brightly at them.

“Commander.” Kelly smiles. “It’s so wonderful to see you again.” She looks at Garrus, "Glad to see you back. I'm assuming you are joining her?" 

Garrus nods, "Yeah, I hope you don't mind."

"No, of course not. Please, let's head to my office." 

They head inside her beautiful office that has a loveseat, and a therapist chair. Her window is wall length, giving them a beautiful view of the Citadel, showing its large, tall buildings, and flying cars.

Staring out the window, Garrus is still impressed by the view each time he comes here, which is once a month. It used to be twice a week, but he's been progressing ever since the Angela situation and seeing Mya again.

Turning to Mya, he sees her hugging Kelly with a small smile on her face, and Kelly looks happy to see her as well.

Mya takes a few deep breaths. “Thank you. I didn’t know you were still working as a psychologist.”

Kelly nods. “Yeah. I just love helping people, you know, and since you helped me from that Cerberus attack, I worked extra hard to do just that.” She smiles. “The Reaper War still affects millions. I’m just one person, but so many have agreed I have helped them.” She looks at Garrus. “Such as our turian resident himself, Garrus.”

They all take their seats, and Mya holds onto Garrus's hand for support.

He chuckles. “I’ve been really out of sorts.” He squeezes her hand. “And ever since our break up, I really needed someone to talk to that wouldn’t shame me.”

Mya smiles, but panics. “I… I’m still married. I hope…” She bites her lips, looking down in guilt.

“Don’t worry, Commander.”

“Please… call me Mya.”

She nods. “Don’t worry, Mya. Garrus has spoken to me about what’s going on already. I am not here as someone to judge. I am here as someone you can talk and be open to.” She smiles.

“Are… are you sure?” She looks at Garrus, then at Kelly. “What I am doing is… adultery and people—”

“I’m not people, Mya.” She crosses her legs. “I am just someone here to talk and open up to. So…” She looks at Mya in the eyes. “Talk to me. It can be about anything. I will not rush you, or ask you anything you do not want. Just tell me what you would like to talk about. Whatever you like.”

Mya closes her eyes, thinking, and Garrus looks at her, waiting. Kelly goes on her omni-tool and starts to type at something.

“It still hurts.” Her lip trembles. “It’s been ten months since the death of my son, and it still hurts.” Tears are forming in her eyes.

“I’m really sorry, Mya.”

Mya looks at Garrus. “Not only that but… I feel guilty that I want to try again.”

Kelly nods, shifting in her seat.

“I want to try again, but with Garrus. I feel as if I am a terrible person to move on, but this is something I want so much.”

“It’s okay to feel guilty, but it shouldn’t be your driving course.” Kelly hums. “It’s okay to be a little selfish. You have done so much for everyone in the galaxy, Mya. It’s okay to do what you want.”

“But… my son. I feel like I am betraying him, somehow.” She leans into Garrus and cries. “I wish he was alive. I wish he was able to grow and see the galaxy I fought for. It seems so unfair to start a new life while he never got to live his.”

Garrus holds her tightly, feeling the weight of it all. He didn’t even think about what she must be feeling as they continue to have unprotected sex, which could result in a child of their own. He didn’t know that Mya was going through this.

Kelly hums. “Again, don’t let guilt drive your choices, because all that will do is create resentment.”

Garrus turns to Kelly to her smiling at them.

Mya sits there, looking at her in surprise before looking away, deep in thought. She must be thinking about her and Kaidan’s relationship.

“Your son will always be your first child, and it’s okay to have more.” She hums. “I do want to talk about the possible ramifications of going through this, because of the side effects and the things that can happen.”

Mya nods. “I read through it, but I still want to try.”

Kelly smiles. “You should start doing that more often.”

“Researching?” She tilts her head.

“No, well yes, but also saying ‘I want.’ Teach yourself to say and mean it.” She giggles. “Saying it more often could help you understand what you want, and to get what you want.”

Mya smiles. “Okay, I will try,” she whispers as if some sudden realization is happening.

He stares at her, as she continues to talk, slowly breaking away from her mask, becoming what he knows she is. She’s laughing and smiling more, not that she wasn’t doing it before, but it feels more alive.

She’s starting to fill with life.

Just like the Normandy days.

_I want you to stay with me forever._

***

He’s watching her shift nervously, and he rubs her back to calm her down. She smiles softly up at him, before taking a deep breath.

“Are you sure I should be here?” she asks again, as they continue to sit and wait.

He chuckles. “Of course. Trust me, everything is okay.”

It isn’t long before James comes into view, and Mya goes to stand up, but Garrus quickly brings her back. She takes his hand under the table and squeezes.

“God damn.” James takes a seat, his eyes wide at looking at Mya. “Is that really you, Lola?” He narrows his eyes in disbelief that it’s her.

Mya nervously laughs. “Yeah.”

Garrus chuckles. “I feel like I’m the only one that can tell it’s you.” He pulls his hand from the table and lays it behind her on the chair top.

James looks between the two. “I knew it.”

Mya frowns. “Please don’t tell Kaidan.” She sighs. “I’m still thinking about things right now, and I want to go at it slow.”

He nods. “Hey, I don’t really talk to Kaidan much anymore. And if it’s making you happy, who the hell am I to judge?” He smirks. “Just never expected you to do that.”

“I know you are disappointed in me.”

He chuckles. “Nah. I still care about you, and I still view you as a hero. I don’t like what you are doing, but I’m not going to get into that drama.” He smiles. “To be honest, I miss you, Lola. It’s been a minute.”

She sighs. “Yeah. I’ve been struggling a lot since… my son died.”

He frowns. “I… heard. I didn’t want to bring it up.”

“I know. I hate bringing it up, but I’m healing.” She smiles at Garrus. “Garrus is helping me heal.”

“That’s good.”

They continue to talk, and Mya is able to open up more. Garrus grows happier as time passes by them. They eat their dinner, and speak more about the future, with Mya stating she doesn’t really know what she wants yet. It does pain Garrus a bit, but he doesn’t speak up about it. James tells her to really think about it because the last thing he wants is for Garrus to be number two when he should be number one.

“I’m glad that went well.” She smiles softly, walking inside the apartment, and putting away her coat.

Garrus hums. “See? Told you everything would be okay.”

He watches as she slowly makes her way towards the bathroom. He can sense the distress in her.

“Hey, you okay?” he asks, walking towards the bathroom before the door closes.

She nods. “Yes. Tonight just got me thinking, is all.” Sitting on the toilet, she looks ahead, almost saddened.

“Look, what James said, forget it, okay?” He grabs her chin, picking up her head to look at him. “This is for you.”

“But I don’t want to hurt you.”

He chuckles. “As long as you’re with me, I won’t feel hurt.”

She stands up, angry. “Bullshit!” She pushes him against the wall. It isn’t a very hard push, but his body is a little ungrounded.

“Mya.”

“I just… hate that you want me to want things!” She turns around and closes her eyes. “Do you want me to want things… or are you just guiding me to want what you want?”

“I… no, of course not.”

She looks down. “I feel so confused… like I know what I want, but is it really what I want?”

He stares at her back, wanting to say something, but nothing comes out. Has he been guiding her to want what he wants?

Now he is confused.

He knows what he wants. He loves her so much, wants her just as bad. He’s okay with not having children, he’s okay with waiting for her, he’s okay with being her secret! He just—

“Wish you could stay here forever, and become Mya Vakarian.” He curses in his head after realizing he spoke aloud.

“Mya Vakarian.” She looks at him in shock.

He leans back. “Sorry, I...” He looks her in the eyes, showing her how much love he wants to give.

She eyes him softly. “Garrus.”

He’s panicking inside because he never meant to say that. He never intended to open up his thoughts for her to hear, and just when she said he’s guiding her to want what he wants!

That’s not what he wants!

He wants her to form her own wants and desires. Sure, he wants to be one of her desires; he wants to be the only person she ever wants.

He wants to be her one and only!

But not at the cost of her being miserable. Not at the cost of her wanting to get out of the fucking relationship. He’s been trying extra hard to give her everything she wants… not because he wants her to choose him out of obligation.

Like she did to Kaidan.

“Garrus, I-” Her omni-tool lights up, and she looks at him for a sec before leaving the bathroom. “Hey, Kaidan.”

He feels… dejected.

A failure.

If there is one thing he wants from Mya, it is for her to just be herself. Take away the stupid mask, take away this desire of pleasing others besides herself. She’s not some action hero anymore; she’s just a normal woman who deserves a normal life.

There is a desire to ‘win’ her over, but she is not some prize, and looking outside, seeing her sad face while talking to Kaidan, hurts.

_I just want to make you happy with yourself, Mya._

Leaving the bathroom, he goes to clean up a few things as she talks.

“Yeah… in a month.” She looks like she’s about to cry.

He wonders what they are talking about, but continues to clean, not wanting to interrupt or make it known he is there.

“It’s okay. I will be fine.” She sniffs.

He catches her eyes looking at him, and they have a small moment, telling each other they love each other.

“Yes, I do love you.” She looks away, turning her body back towards the table.

He leaves her after that, to talk to her husband because she’s fucking married. He’s the ‘side dude’ as James puts it. The one who she fucks on the side while staying with her husband. The one who willingly became her side hustle. He’s nothing more than that.

And it hurts.

Laying on the bed, he takes in a breath, knowing that she loves him and that even if she’s married, at least she’s here with him… for only three more months. Three more months, and she’s gone. Leaving to be with her husband, who she doesn’t seem too happy to be around, anyway!

But who is he to judge?

She must still be with him for a reason.

Right?

The door opens up, and he’s lying there with his arm over his head, covering his eyes. He hears her take her clothes off, and without a moment, she’s straddling him. He doesn’t move his arms until she starts to kiss his neck. It isn’t until she bites him that he growls in pleasure, moving his arms.

She smiles on top of him. “Guess what?”

He hums, bringing his hands to her waist. “You’re horny?” He chuckles, dipping his hands between her naked thighs. “You’re wet.”

She moans, rolling her hips against his hand. “Garrus.” She’s biting her lips.

Hearing her moan, and having her sit naked on him, helps him push the annoying thoughts behind, and just enjoy the moment in being with her.

It isn’t long until he’s deep inside of her again, she’s clinging onto him, and he’s wanting to just ruin her for Alenko. That's not how it works, but it’s just his fantasy, which drives himself so deep into her, she digs her fingers into his hide while throwing her head back in pleasure. Using that fantasy makes him thrust into her harder, faster, and deeper.

In his mind, she is addicted to his cock, and that is all she can think about. He’s so damn good, she can’t even touch Alenko, because it’s not the same. He’s groaning a little louder, letting himself go, as the fantasy plays more and more in his mind, of her leaving Alenko to be with him.

She becomes his wife, and they start their family.

He picks his body up, going to his knees, and takes her with him, holding her with his strength. His hands are holding her by the ass, and she gasps, whimpering at the pain of his talons while groaning at the pleasure of their connection. He’s fucking into her like a turian possessed, wanting to make her his, and only his.

“My little minx,” he groans. “You’re only mine.”

“Yes!” She bites into his neck, hard. “Yes, I am, my Alpha!” She screams, as her tits bounce, and her sweat drips from her body as he controls their actions to his pleasure.

His talons dig into her ass, and he can feel the blood drip from her torn skin. She cries out in pain and pleasure, as he continues to drive into her as hard as possible.

Harder.

Harder.

“I’m yours!” she screams into the apartment, so loud, he wonders if anyone can hear.

Spirits, he hopes they can.

“I’m yours. I’m yours,” she chants, with each of his thrusts, cumming and squeezing his cock, to his pleasure. It’s not long before he finally cums himself, with a hard thrust, and she whimpers, holding his neck tightly.

With a groan, Mya falls from his arms and onto her back. She lays there looking at him, studying him as he closes his eyes tightly. There are no words just heavy breathing from both of them.

“Six… six more… months,” she rasps, with a sly grin on her face. 

“Six months?” He can feel the dryness of his mouth, wishing for some water.

She giggles, and crawls to her knees, kissing him softly on his mouth.

“He’s gone for six more months. I am all yours for a longer time, Big Guy.”

With a wink, she turns around, getting on her hands and knees, sticking her fat ass up in the air for him. 

"Come on, My Alpha, ready for round two?"

He coughs, "give me a minute to come back."

He starts messaging her ass gently, thinking of what six months means. Six added months is nice, which would equal a year of her being with him.

However, that’s not enough.

He wants more.

She squeals, "I can't believe I'll be with you for a full year." She leans up, and lays on his chest, "this is a dream come true."

"Yeah." He whispers, taking her into his arms, as he bites at her neck gently, and they start to sway in the bed.

His hand slowly sneaks between her thighs, and she starts moaning. He looks at the window, noticing their reflection.

Her beautiful brown skin lights nicely from the moonlight as he breathes hard into the night, staring at his reflection. 

That's when he noticed the possessiveness from his eyes. He starts licking her neck, enjoying her reactions and sounds before biting a little harder against her neck.

“Mark me.” She whimpers, as her body shakes from him fingering her.

An image of her ring stops him from biting too hard, and he pulls away reluctantly, which causes her to sigh with annoyance. Not wanting to break the mood, he chuckles and pushes her on her hands and knees roughly.

Before she could complain, he spanks her ass, causing her to gasp and moan. 

Pulling her closer, he spanks her ass again, before entering her warm entrance again. Closing his eyes, he pushes and pulls at her hips. Controlling the pace to his liking.

"Arch your back, Mya." He commands and grumbles, wanting to go deeper.

She moans arching her back, doing what he wants, doing what he commands.

He could feel the controlling beast within him. Wanting to angrily tell her she is his, and that she's not allowed to see Kaidan anymore. 

_No, I'm not like that anymore. I'm better than that._

"Fuck, yes!" She gasps, tightening her walls against his cock in shock.

"There we go." He grunts.

Opening his eyes, he sees his reflection again, and he stares at his possessive eyes while driving himself into her.

Again.

Again.

He promised himself he will change, and that he won’t be controlling anymore. He told himself he wouldn’t be so damn possessive of his little minx.

Yet, he can’t help himself from wanting to keep her from the world, as he holds her closer, pounding harder into her.

No.

He wants to keep her from Alenko.

_Stay with me forever._

_***_

The next two weeks were filled with hot sex, some misunderstanding, and continued inner fighting of admitting what he wants from her. Although by the third week, Garrus noticed Mya is becoming quieter as the days pass by. She's eating more, pushing him away when he's asking her to talk about it, and is now refusing love, affection, and sex. 

It's jarring, to say the least. 

After so much progress, she's going right back into what she was before, and it's making even him depressed.

Walking inside their apartment, Garrus sees her sitting there staring at the holoscreen. What she is watching became clearer as he got closer, which is a weird show featuring babies.

She glares, "people are exploiting their children. I can't believe they get to be parents." 

He sits next to her, but she doesn't seem to notice or care that he does. 

A hurian is shown on screen, and Mya stares with intensity. Garrus studies her, wondering what she is thinking. 

Until she starts to cry.

"Garrus." She cries, staring at the toddler, "His birthday is coming up."

Now he understands.

"I don't...I don't know if I can do it." She sobs.

He pulls her close, and she cries on his chest. Her hand holds his shirt tightly, and all he could think about is wanting to take her pain away. 

"You won't be alone, Mya. I'm going to be with you always and forever." 

"You promise?" 

He closes his eyes, "I promise."

An hour later, Mya is laying on Garrus's naked chest as they both watch a movie together. This one didn't feature children, which he believes Mya is happy about since he could hear small giggles coming from her when something funny happens on screen.

"Mya Vakarian." He hears her whispers. 

"What...uh...what about it?"

He feels nervous about the answer. He didn't expect this topic to come back up after they were interrupted by Alenko three weeks ago.

"Mya Vakarian or Myana Vakarian?" She turns her head to look at him. 

"Both uh sounds great." He laughs nervously.

His heart is racing and he wonders if she could hear or feel it.

She smiles softly, "I agree."

She turns back to the movie, and he couldn't stop his fast-beating heart and his racing mind. 

"I'm sorry for the past week." She said, staring at the movie. "I know you would rather I be more open, but it was hard even thinking about it."

He swallows, "it's okay, Mya." He has been feeling down that she was pushing him away, but he didn't want to voice that opinion.

Another moment passes as they watch the movie and Garrus couldn't stop his mind from picturing Mya as his wife, and his one and only. 

"Tell me the truth." 

He blinks, noticing Mya is on top of him now, looking down. It gives him a small shock that he didn't notice her climbing on him as the movie continues to play in the background. He must have been so deep in thought, fighting himself to keep quiet about what he truly wants.

"What do you want from me?"

He chuckles, "I want you to just be true to your-"

"What do you want from me." She cuts him off, "don't lie to me, Garrus." She eyes him intensely, commanding him to tell her the truth.

He swallows, feeling nervous again under her gaze. Should...he speak his mind? Open up and tell her the truth? But he doesn't want to influence her. 

"Garrus." 

He looks at her eyes, feeling his heart racing once again.

"What do you want from me?" She repeats. 

He sighs, "I don't know what to say." 

"You do know what to say." She frowns, "For this relationship to work, we need to meet halfway. I can't always get what I want, Garrus, and you can't always give me what I want while ignoring what you want." She caresses his face. 

"Mya." 

She smiles, "Tell me the truth, Garrus. What do want?"

He stares into her eyes and could feel his anxiety and fear growing. He tries to look away, but she brings his face back to look at her, knowing full well, he won't lie to her when looking into her eyes. Oh, how the tables have turned, seeing how he does this to her on multiple occasions.

It's an odd, yet learning, experience.

"I hate when you push me away. I want you to trust that I will always be there for you."

"I'm sorry." 

He swallows, "I want you to be open with me when something is hurting you. I want you to...I want you to..." He stops. 

"Garrus." 

He tries to look away again, but she is quicker and pulls his face back to her.

"What else do you want?"

Her thumb is rubbing his twitching mandibles, and he feels himself fighting to open up, but the look in her eyes begged him to. 

So he does.

"I want you to stay here forever....with me." He admits. "I want you to be my wife. I want you to be the mother of my children." He inhales sharply, "I just only want you, and for you to only want me."

Garrus feels a weight lift from his body, finally admitting what he's been holding back for far too long. It was obvious what he wanted, he knows she knows, but he's been struggling to open up about it. 

To talk about it.

He whimpers, "I want you to leave him, and just be with me, forever."

He feels...scared. He feels...terrified. Mya is the only woman who has this effect on him, and it scares him. To...be this vulnerable scares him. To lose her again because of his selfishness...scares him. 

All he ever wants is to be a better person for himself, and her. 

To right his wrongs.

To be happy and in love. 

With Myana Shepard.

Mya sniffs, and he notices tears running down her eyes. Reaching up, he wipes them away, and she smiles softly at him. 

"Thank you...for finally telling me." She whispers and kisses his mouth. "Don't be afraid to speak your mind, Garrus."

He sighs, "I just don't want to scare you away again. I don't want to lose you again."

"You won't lose me, Garrus." She shakes her head, "Not like before. Not this time. I swear." She gives him a wide smile, full of love and happiness.

Their eyes stare at each other, and he stops fighting himself. 

As they made love, he opens up, even more, not being afraid to speak his mind.

Groaning to her the very thought which still won't leave his mind of wanting her to stay with him forever, and to his surprise and happiness. 

She wants that too.


	13. One Years Old

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dreaming of her deepest fantasies

“Garrus, I-” Her omni-tool lights up, showing it’s Kaidan, and she looks at Garrus for a second, before leaving the bathroom. “Hey, Kaidan.”

She doesn’t want to talk to him, as she’d much rather spend time with Garrus.

It’s quite something to feel little-to-no guilt about cheating on Kaidan, as she stays longer with Garrus. She silently keeps pushing herself to ends things, but she’s not ready yet. Why? Because she doesn’t want to hurt Kaidan.

Yet, the longer she stays with Garrus, she is leaning on doing it.

“His birthday is coming up,” Kaidan whispers sadly, and Mya can feel her heartbreak.

“Yeah… in a month.” She wants to cry, wishing that he didn’t bring up their loss. There is that pain in her chest again, knowing she will never have her little one back.

“You going to be okay? I still need to work, you know.”

She can hear someone in the background, but she doesn’t think much about it.

“It’s okay. I will be fine.” She sniffs, and looks at Garrus, knowing he’s going to be by her side, and that it’s okay.

They have a small moment, telling each other they love each other. She smiles softly at him because her heart can’t stop beating for Garrus.

God, she loves him.

“Do you love me, Mya?” Kaidan asks.

“Yes, I do love you.” She turns around, looking guilty. She does love him; she’s just not in love with him… because her heart belongs to Garrus.

There is a quiet moment between the two, and she hears Garrus leave, going into their bedroom. She feels bad for saying that, after the look both she and Garrus shared.

She’ll make it up to him.

“We need to talk, once we see each other again…” He sounds sad, and she feels bad.

Yet, she could hear the finality in his voice.

As if he wants to end things between them.

Does he...want a divorce?

“I see.” She doesn’t know how to react, or how to feel.

“Yeah. I just think…” He sighs, as if wanting to say something important, and it makes her feel as if he really is… ending things.

There is a small whisper on his end, a woman?

“I just think we need to have a long talk to settle things, you know?”

There is another whisper of a woman.

 _"Take your time, Kaidan."_ Jazmine? _"I'm here for you."_ She whispers, and it sounds full of love.

 _"I know, thanks."_ He said back, sounding full of emotions.

It makes her wonder...maybe he's...no. She's just projecting to give her an easier mind at doing what she is doing. He’s right though, they need to talk, and it’s best to do it face to face.

“So, when?” she asks, interrupting their whispering.

He coughs, “Nine months from now.”

She tilts her head. “Nine? Isn't it 3 months?”

“Yeah, sorry, but the mission requires six more months.”

“I understand.”

She smiles because six more months with Garrus is a dream she wants to keep living. A whole year of being with Garrus is the happiest feeling she could ever feel, after years of being away from him.

After their talk, she turns around and jumps off her seat, almost dancing towards her and Garrus’s bedroom. She stops for a moment, seeing a datapad that is showing different homes to go on sale. She tilts her head, noticing its homes Garrus is looking at, and she wonders which to choose. With a smile, she picks her favorite one. A five-bedroom and four-bathroom home.

Big for a family.

_A big family._

Opening the door, she looks at her turian, just lying there with his arm on his head. Maybe he’s feeling sad about her saying ‘I love you’ to Kaidan.

She’ll make it up to him.

Taking her clothes off, she grins, before climbing on top of him, making sure her entire body feels upon his. She starts to bite and suck on his hide, which he responds to with growling in pleasure, moving his arms. Hearing him growl in pleasure and want of her, makes her wet at being with her turian.

_Make me yours, Garrus._

She smiles on top of him. “Guess what?”

He hums, bringing his hands to her waist. “You’re horny?” He chuckles, dipping his hands between her naked thighs. “You’re wet.”

She moans, rolling her hips against his hand. “Garrus.” Biting her lips, she sees his eyes, and can already see the possessiveness in them.

It isn’t long until he is deep inside of her again, and she’s clinging onto him, screaming for anyone to hear as he claims her repeatedly. She’s not an idiot; she can read Garrus as he can read her.

He wants her to stay forever.

He wants her for himself.

“I’m yours. I’m yours,” she chants, with each of his thrusts, cumming and squeezing his cock, to his pleasure. There is a wet feeling again as he fills her up, and she wishes to become pregnant from it.

With a groan, Mya falls from his arms and onto her back. She lays there looking at him, studying him as he closes his eyes tightly. There are no words just heavy breathing from both of them.

“Six… six more… months,” she rasps, with a sly grin on her face. 

“Six months?” He can feel the dryness of his mouth, wishing for some water.

She giggles, and crawls to her knees, kissing him softly on his mouth.

“He’s gone for six more months. I am all yours for a longer time, Big Guy.”

_A very long time._

With a wink, she turns around, getting on her hands and knees, sticking her fat ass up in the air for him. 

"Come on, My Alpha, ready for round two?"

Turning her head towards, and bumping him with her ass. The fact she's going to be with Garrus for nine more months excites her so much, she can't help but be horny for him. She knows his stamina, one time isn't all he could do. She knows her Alpha can go more than once, of course, three times is too much since by the third time it's time for her to do most of the work.

He coughs, "give me a minute to come back."

She watches him as he closes his eyes and rubs her ass gently. A frown appears on her face, knowing what he's thinking, knowing what he wants. It bothers her that he won't open up and tell her what he wants from her. She knows, but she wants to hear him say it. 

Judging from the past, it's understandable why he doesn't want to admit it, but they changed. He shouldn't be scared to admit his wants and desires, seeing how he's been telling her to do it for a while now.

It why three weeks later, after she's been hard on herself about her son's birthday coming up, she told him that she's sorry. For pushing him away, for not showing him her love, and for ignoring his wants. 

He chuckles, "I want you to just be true to your-"

"What do you want from me." She cuts him off, "don't lie to me, Garrus." She eyes him intensely.

_Tell me the truth, Garrus!_

He swallows, and she watches as he mentally fights himself from telling her the truth. 

"Garrus." She rests her hand on his chest

He looks at her, and she could feel his heart beating fast.

"What do you want from me?" She repeats.

It wasn't long before she finally got through the walls, and he admits everything that's been on his mind. His wants, his needs, his love for her, and she fall deeper in love with him, knowing she could never go back to her old life. 

He whimpers, "I want you to leave him, and just be with me, forever."

She could see the fear and vulnerability, and it makes her cherishes their relationship even more. He was the most important person in her life, and she cares for him so much. So much that she cries at him finally admitting it to her what he wants. 

He truly has given her all of him.

Now it's time for her to give all of herself to him.

As was intended.

"I love you...so much, Mya." He groans.

"I love you too, Garrus." She moans.

Their hands are entwined laying on the bed as they make love slowly and intimately. She turns her head to the side and moans his name quietly in the night as her legs are around his waist, begging him to go deeper. Tears fall from her eyes from the intense emotions that rock through her body. 

He pants by her neck, licking at it affectionately, as her heart beats wildly under him.

She moans, "Garrus," and squeezes his hand. 

His body is so hot, and hers is slick with sweat. He thrusts deeply inside of her, and she moans louder, arching her back as their legs tangle the sheets. 

"Please, Mya, please." He begs while biting and licking at her neck, starting to pick up the pace, getting closer to his end.

Their hands tighten, and she whimpers.

"I...I." She gasps, and her legs tighten against him as she cums, "I...Garrus!" She cries out. 

He groans, cumming with her. 

"Stay with me forever, Mya." He whispers at her neck, licking tenderly.

With a smile, she envisions him as her husband, and the children they will have, falling deep into her fantasies.

"Okay." She said softly, looking at his shocked face. 

She caresses his moving mandibles softly, breathing heavily along with him after making love to him.

"I want to be with you forever." She whispers to him, and he kisses her with all the love and passion he could give to her.

All she ever wants is to be a better person for herself, and him. 

To right her wrongs. 

To be happy and in love.

With Garrus Vakarian.

***

Her eyes open slowly to see the morning light. She stares ahead to see that she and Garrus are naked in bed, reflected by the mirror. Looking into the mirror, she stares at her eyes, noticing the sadness within them. Garrus is behind her, snoring while he is on his side, his back showing from the mirror.

A tear slips down her eyes, as she feels the pain in her chest build, as time continues to pass by. She bites her lips, trying not to let herself make a sound at the pain she is feeling because she doesn’t want to wake Garrus up. Fighting the tears is causing her throat to actively burn.

There is movement behind her, and she watches as Garrus’s face appears. Their eyes meet in the mirror, and he leans in to kiss her neck while pulling her towards him. Not able to fight it anymore, she cries.

Today is her late son’s birthday.

“Let me take you out today,” Garrus whispers, as he rubs her back in the tub.

She sighs. “Not today. I want to stay inside for today.” She leans back, and he holds her tightly. Her body feels warm with his arms around her. The beating of his heart soothes her.

“Whatever you want, Mya.”

They are quiet again as she sighs, feeling the warmth of the water and him together. Her eyes close, and she can feel the change in the air. Suddenly, there is banging on the door and a tiny voice outside.

“Mommy! Mommy!”

She giggles, trying to stay quiet.

“I think he wants in,” Garrus whispers behind her, and she places her fingers on her lips, shushing him.

“Mommy!” There is a sound of a hop.

Mya looks at the door in shock, not believing her son is finding a way inside.

Garrus chuckles, and she covers his mouth, still looking at the door. It isn’t long before the door opens, and her little one rushes inside, with a big grin on his face.

“Mommy!” He looks at Garrus. “Daddy?”

She laughs, leaning on the tub rim with a smile on her face. “Hey, baby.”

“Hey, champ.” Garrus chuckles.

Her son frowns, trying to find a way to get inside the tub. Going over to the toilet, he starts to climb, and Mya starts to call out to him.

“Ethan! No!” She claps, and he looks at her with a frown.

“Daddy?”

Garrus shakes his head. “Don’t think you can fit in here, kiddo.”

“Pwese?”

Mya shakes her head. “No, baby.”

He starts to cry and she sighs.

“What do you think, Garrus, let him in?”

He leans back and gives Ethan his hand. “Alright, come on.”

Ethan stops crying and rushes to the tub, where Mya takes his clothes off, and he joins them.

“You’re lucky you are so cute.” She giggles, adding soap to his hair.

“I’m surprised he figured out how to open the door.” Garrus rubs her shoulders.

Mya pouts. “I blame you.” As she starts to play with her son’s hair, she says, “He must have been watching you.”

“Maybe.” He laughs, and Ethan turns around, with soapsuds in his hands.

“Look!”

Mya hugs him tightly. “So cute, baby!”

“Mya.”

She hugs her son tightly, not wanting to let him go.

“Mya, it’s going to be okay.”

She opens her eyes and sees she is hugging the shampoo bottle.

She sobs, hugging it tighter, and Garrus holds her, whispering it’s going to be okay. There is pain everywhere, as she replays her daydream repeatedly in her head. She wants to go back to that unknown time.

***

Mya nods, as Kelly starts to pack up. “Thanks for coming by, Kelly.” She sighs, "I just couldn't leave the house today...and I'm sorry for taking you away from your office."

“It's okay, Mya.” She smiles softly. “Just take your time today, okay?”

Once she is gone, Mya starts to walk around the apartment, cleaning up. Garrus left to give them some time alone, and she thanks him for it.

Kaidan had called already, speaking of getting through it. Jazmine was in the background again, but she didn’t care. At this point, she can tell they are together, just like she and Garrus are. 

And honestly, she thinks Kaidan knows about her and Garrus.

_"I hope you have someone to be there for you." He sighed, "I know how hard it can be to be alone."_

_"Yeah, don't worry, Kaidan." She said as she laid on Garrus's chest who is watching some action movie, "I hope you have someone to."_

_He lightly chuckled, "Don't worry about me, Mya. I won't be alone during this time."_

_She smiled, feeling happy for him at knowing he does have someone._

_He doesn't need her at all._

_"You ever miss the past? The SR-1 days." He asked._

_She hummed, "Sometimes I do, but most times, I don't....not anymore."_

_Garrus showed her his hand, she smiled, taking it, and entwined their fingers._

_Kaidan chuckled, "It's funny."_

_"What is?"_

_"I don't either...not anymore."_

_Tears suddenly fell from her eyes as emotions flood her body. She swallowed and coughed at feeling as if she is being set free. Flying in the clouds to be happy and guilt-free._

_"We can never go back, can we?" He asked._

_She wiped her eyes, shaking her head._

_"No, we can't."_

_Another pause, and more emotions rushing through her body. More images of Ethan passing through her mind._

_She whimpered, "I miss him Kaidan. I wish he was alive."_

_She heard him sniffs, "I...I wish he was as well." She heard him cry. "I'm...sorry...I shouldn't have...we shouldn't have..." She heard Jazmine's whispers that it's going to be okay to him as he cried._

_"It's going to be okay, Kaidan." She sobbed and Garrus held her tight, "It's going to be okay."_

_They both are crying thinking of Ethan, their son. She started to remember how small he was, and the pictures they took...God, everything hurts._

_"Tell whoever you're with to take good care of you, okay." He inhaled, "I'll see you when I come back. I...I need to go." He sobbed._

_"Okay." She sniffed, "_ _Goodbye, Kaidan."_

_"Goodbye, Mya."_

_She could hear him cry for Ethan before hanging up, and she sobbed in Garrus's arms for the next hour before Kelly shows up._

After cleaning the place, she sits down, and suddenly she hears the pitter-patter of little feet.

Swallowing, she tries to block it out, but then she hears a giggle in front of her. Opening her eyes, she looks into her son’s brown eyes and almost cries.

“Mommy?”

“Yes, baby?” she whispers, allowing her mind to fall into this fantasy.

“Hungry.”

She sits there, not knowing what to do. She wants to get up and cook her son some food, but she knows it will not matter.

Because he is not real.

She does it anyway and falls deeper into her fantasy.

With a smile on her face, she walks over to the stove and starts to cook up something for them to eat while Garrus is still out. He starts to babble, making sounds of happiness, and she inhales sharply because she knows it is not real.

“Hungry.” He pouts, going to his chair and pulling it out.

She smiles. “Almost done, baby.” While stirring, she looks over her shoulder to see him waiting and still babbling about something.

The door opens, and Garrus walks in.

“Daddy!” he cheers.

Garrus sighs, putting away his coat. “Hey, how are you?” He walks over to her, and stops, seeing the food she is cooking. “Oh, you didn’t get my message? Was buying food for us.” He wraps his arms around her.

“Daddy?”

She smiles and hums. “I was making food for Ethan.” She looks into Garrus's eyes, before looking behind him, and seeing no one.

Pulling away from Garrus, she looks around and even calls out for her little one, but there is no answer.

She feels Garrus pull her into his arms, and she cries, knowing he’s not there. But she saw him! She really did…

“It's okay, Mya,” he whispers, “let it out.”

She turns around, and cries in his chest, wishing to see her little boy.

As they eat silently, Mya tries not to look at Garrus, because she feels like he thinks she is crazy. It’s scary when she falls into her fantasies, but she can’t help it. Her fantasies are something that helps her cope. It started when she was a child, wishing for a perfect home.

She remembers looking out the window, just waiting for someone to come and adopt her. The door would open, and she would quickly go towards it, waiting with a big smile on her face. The caretaker would pat her head, and keep walking past her. She was left to her broken dreams.

Then there was a day some parents came to look at children, and she made sure she was pretty. Combed her nappy hair as best as she could. Put on her best dress, and made sure she smelled really good. As the parents talked, and looked around, she made sure she was known. Talking over the other kids, and even stating how ‘smart’ she was.

No one paid her any mind.

Her roommate at the time was adopted though, and she hoped that girl would just die. It was horrible, but she was angry, sad, and lonely. At the age of twelve, she would make up parents fighting to have her as their daughter. None of them were worthy, but to be wanted was something she always loved about the fantasy.

Then, when she was fourteen, she got a family… but it wasn’t the family she wanted.

Her fantasies always show something desires so much. That is why her fantasies included a lot of Garrus during her marriage, and now her son.

“Hey,” Garrus starts, and she looks at him. “How are you?”

She sighs, looking at her plate. “I’m okay.”

“Mya.”

She looks at him. “What do you want me to say? I’m sure you know I’m not okay.” She looks over at the spot she pictured her son, Ethan.

He nods and stands up. Without question, he gets a plate, utensils, and a tablemat. In a matter of seconds, Garrus places the things down where Ethan would be. He even shares the food on his plate and pours something to drink. When he pulls away, Ethan is there again, eating.

“Thanks, Daddy!” He grins and eats.

Garrus sits down and continues to eat. She stares at him in shock, wondering what she should say, or do. Turning back to the eating toddler, she watches, as he gets all messy, and almost cries. Her throat is burning as she tries to swallow. Garrus grabs her hand, and she looks at him with watery eyes ready to burst.

“Thank you,” she whispers, and he squeezes.

“You’re welcome,” he whispers back and then nods towards Ethan. “What’s he saying?”

She looks back, but her son isn’t there. “He’s not there anymore.” She sniffs. “He’s gone, but before he left, he said thanks, Daddy.”

Garrus chuckles. “Daddy?”

She giggles. “It’s what he calls you. It’s what I want him to call you.” She looks away from the spot, and back at Garrus.

“I don’t think Kaidan would like that very much.” He goes to eat.

Mya gives a small smile. “No, he wouldn’t.”

After dinner, they are watching a show on the holoscreen. Garrus is behind her on the couch, spooning with her, while she thinks about earlier, and what he did for her.

“Garrus.”

He hums.

“About earlier...”

“What about it?” His hand rubs her thighs.

She stares at the screen. “I just want to explain myself.”

“You don’t have to, Mya.”

She sighs. “I feel I do.” Grabbing his hand, she entwines their fingers. “Sometimes, I have these fantasies to cope with, and I can’t help them.” She inhales. “They feel so realistic. These fantasies are my deepest desires.”

“Oh?”

She nods. “You were my deepest desire, during my marriage, and you still are.” She chuckles. “The amount of times I would fantasize about you is pretty insane.”

He chuckles. “I fantasize about you as well.”

“I know I can never have my son back, but sometimes… I just wish I could.” She closes her eyes. “If I had a chance… maybe? I don’t know.”

“I get it. I was never in your position, but I understand what you are saying,” he whispers. “I hope to one day help you out of it.”

She turns around to look at him. “What do you mean?”

He pushes a piece of hair away from her face. “I mean, I want to give you all your fantasies.” His mandibles twitches. “Anything you want, I want to give it to you.” He kisses her lips, and she smiles.

“Well, you’ve already given me one.” She kisses his mouth, and soon their mouths open to exploring each other.

“Oh?” he whispers, pulling away.

She giggles. “Yes, Big Guy.”

“Good.” He kisses her lightly. “Now, what is the next one?”

She looks him in the eyes and bites her lips. A small whisper of ‘Mommy’ plays in her head, and she inhales. Pulling herself close to him, she pants, trying to set her mind right.

“A family,” she whispers.

“A family.”

She nods.

“I can give you that.”

She smiles, feeling happier than ever since today started. She starts to remember Kaidan, and how against him she was when he brought up building a family the first time.

“You know…” She pulls away and looks into his eyes. “I never wanted a family with Kaidan.”

He tilts his head. “So, he forced you to be pregnant?”

She shakes her head. “No, but I thought it’s something you had to do. Get a husband, and then have kids.” She sighs. “That sort of thing.”

He hums. “What do you think would have happened if Ethan was alive?” He chuckles. “Because your fantasy is telling me that he lived here with me and you.”

She nods. “He would have lived here with us, yes.” She rubs his chest. “I always thought that if I was to give birth to Kaidan’s child, then I would have to fully commit to him, but that was another mental block I created for myself.”

He sighs. “I want you to stop doing that to yourself. It’s only causing you to suffer.” He grabs her chin. “And I hate when you suffer.”

She smiles. “I’m working really hard on that.”

“I’m proud of you.”

She sits up and pulls out her omni-tool. “Do… do you want to see him?” She smiles sadly at him. “I haven’t looked at the pictures… since the death, but I think I’m ready,” she whispers.

Garrus sits up and pulls her close. “I would love to, Mya,” he says, laying his head on hers.

She pulls up the pictures, and she talks about her feelings that day. She cries a little more but laughs a little after Garrus points out how squishy he looks. It isn’t long before she smiles at looking at her son.

For so long it has been hard to even think of the pictures, but with Garrus next to her, it’s not so bad. She thinks back at what he said about wanting to give her her biggest fantasies.

“Did you mean it?”

He hums. “What?”

They are in bed now, after finishing the show and looking at the baby pictures. She looks at him, breathing hard after making love together. It was nice, slow, and something she needed after the day she had.

“About giving me a family?” She thinks about herself as a child, and after losing her son.

He kisses her lips. “I will give you a family, and more, Mya.”

She curls into his arms and falls asleep.

It isn’t long before there is a tiny tap on her cheek. She opens her eyes, to see Ethan looking at her with fear in his eyes.

“Monsta, Mommy,” he whimpers.

She blinks and smiles. “Want Mommy and Daddy to protect you?”

He nods, and she pulls him between her and Garrus. Garrus opens his eyes and looks at her, confused.

“Mya?”

“Ethan was scared.” She looks him in the eyes. “He wanted us to protect him.”

Garrus doesn’t say anything, and nods, pulling both her and Ethan into his big, strong arms.

“I’ll protect you both, don’t worry.” He yawns, closing his eyes.

“Mommy.”

She hears Ethan whisper from far away.

Looking down, she sees a pillow and whimpers. Garrus pulls the pillow away and brings her closer into his arms.

“I’m sorry… I…”

“It’s okay, Mya.” He rubs her back. “He’s safe, I promise.”

She sobs in his chest for what feels like hours before she finally stops. Her eyes are drying, and she feels exhausted.

“Garrus.” Her eyelids start to drop.

“Yes, Mya?”

“Thank you,” she whispers. “Thank you for everything.”

“Anything for you.” He kisses her lips, and she falls asleep in his arms.

Dreaming of her deepest fantasies.


	14. Support

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The support for one another

They are not perfect.

Sometimes they make mistakes with each other, and others. In the beginning, Mya would beat herself up into depression, but now, she is okay with messing up. Most of the time now, she will admit her mistake and move on from it.

It feels great to see her progress.

“I’m sorry.” She glares at him, and he rolls his eyes.

“Yeah, okay.”

She growls, “I’m only saying it once!” She spins around, and walks forward, throwing her hips.

Garrus glares at her, wanting to just ignore her for the rest of the day, but he’s not going to do that. Even if he wants to, he can’t, but she sure can. As he follows her to the grocery store, she keeps quiet, and it is killing him inside.

“Are you going to not talk to me now?” He glares.

She smiles. “Of course not, honey,” she says, sweet with sarcasm.

He sighs. “Mya.”

“Garrus.” She crosses her arms, stopping her walk, and looking at him.

He’s going to throw her, right now. He’s going to lift, and throw her. He doesn’t know where, but he’s going to do it. She smirks and gloats, while he groans in annoyance. They continue their walk, and he holds her hand. To which she entwines their fingers, humming a song while he squeezes.

Inside the store, Mya is picking out food product after food product, as he tunes her out from her random chatter.

At least that’s how he presents himself.

“Are you even listening to me?” She glares at him.

“No.”

She pouts. “Garrus.”

He chuckles and grabs a box of food. “You were telling me about that asari you met while on your jog.”

She blinks at him,

“Then you said something about your foot hurting.”

She smiles.

“Then you asked me to grab you this.” He looks at the cereal.

“You were listening.” She laughs.

He shrugs. “It's mindless chatter, but I listen.” He yawns.

“Tired, Big Guy?” She walks ahead, pushing the cart.

He sighs. “A little. A lot of the students are asking me about one of my exams, and it’s been a hassle.” He grabs some meat and puts it in the cart. “You’d think taking advance calibrations, they wouldn’t need help.”

She giggles. “People need help.” She grabs some ice cream. “It’s your job as a teacher to do that.”

“I know, but damn is it tiring.” He looks over at her and smiles. “Would you like to meet my class?”

She blinks and frowns. “I don’t know if I should, Garrus. I mean, I would love to, but maybe not right now.”

He nods, "I understand. Whenever you feel comfortable then."

She smiles and starts talking about visiting a doctor to speak to them about the fertility medication they both need to take. This also includes Miranda, to check on her reproductive health so they can have a baby together.

Yes, they have been going at it like varrens, but that was for reconnection and hope for a child. Having a hurian takes planning and certain medications to make sure her body, and the baby body, will be healthy for pregnancy and birth.

After looking up some more about having a hurian, he was wrong about the chances. For unplanned pregnancy, it would be a five to ten percent chance, but a planned one, which features medication and doctor visits that is where the twenty percent chance comes in. 

Learning this, he waited for her to bring up the subject about it because she was still going through her son's birthday. Eventually, she saw him holding back and told him with her eyes to speak up, remembering when she told him about speak up about his wants and desires, he finally brought it up a week after.

He coughed, "So...uh." 

She tilted her head, "What's up, Big Guy?" 

"I wanted to talk about a baby." 

He looked at her scared and worried he might have triggered something, but she smiled. 

"Yes, what about it?" 

He nodded, "Well, I was looking up the surgery, and it seems you have to take medication to help with preparing your body for a pregnancy of a hurian. I also have to take medication as well for viable semen." He coughs, feeling a little embarrassed to bring up his part. 

"Oh. I know." She smiled, "I did my research, Big Guy, although, I don't think you should look at Natural Biology for understanding." She bits into her steak, "Remember, the surgery I had was project synthesis."

"Oh." He felt like an idiot. 

She giggled, "Don't worry. It's not like us having sex unprotected was for nothing." She looked down at her plate, "There was still a chance, a small chance, but there was a chance." She sighed and placed her hand on her stomach.

"So, how different is Project Synthesis, and Natural Biology?" 

She smiled, "Not too different, of course. What you told me so far matches well, but there is a difference in medication for the both of us, and handling of my reproductive system from a doctor's point of view."

"When should I book an appointment?" 

"Let's me handle that, Garrus." 

He grew worried that he was moving too fast, but she touched his hand, reassuring him that it's okay.

"I just need to speak to Miranda about going on fertility medication, and seeking a doctor who knows of Project Synthesis that can help us." She panted his hand, "So, don't worry. I want this baby as much as you do, Garrus."

"Do you think there will be one on the Citadel?" He tilted his head slightly. 

She nodded, "It's where I had my surgery, silly." 

A moment passed by, and Garrus watched her from across the table. Seeing her eyes going through her emotions once again about Ethan. He was about to tell her sorry and to take her time. When she looked at him, and he was speechless at what her eyes were telling him. 

"Thank you, for waiting to talk to me about this." She said softly. 

"Your welcome."

They continued to eat after, speaking of moving to that large home they both seem to love, and how many children they want.

It's been a week since then, and things are going slow. They haven't met with any doctors yet, and so they are not on any medication to boost their chances, but he is waiting for her to be ready. 

As he hears her talk about all these plans, he feels excited because to be a father with Mya as the mother is a damn dream come true. 

And it feels nice.

He starts to look out for some dextro snacks but spots a piece of meat instead that looks good. So good, he feels his stomach growling in desire to have it right now. Even with her digestive system, Mya couldn't eat this, but he sure can.

_Come to daddy._

“Jack?”

He snaps out of his hungry thoughts, to see Mya clapping happily as she rushes to one of her best friends.

Jack had on shades in the store, with her own full cart. She turns around, and smiles at the two, waving at them.

“Shit. Should you guys be out here like this?” She laughs.

Mya chuckles. “It's okay, no one can tell it’s me.”

“We also needed some food for the bunker.”

Mya bumps him with her waist, and he laughs.

Jack grins. “Well, it’s good to see you guys.” She looks at Mya. “Shepard, you look more alive from three weeks ago.”

She smiles softly. “Well, it was my son’s birthday week, but Garrus helped me a lot by being there for me.”

Jack grins at Garrus.

“What?” he asks.

“You’re helping.”

Garrus rolls his eyes, but couldn't stop himself from feeling good, and she laughs.

“Anyway. I’m glad you got through it.” She frowns. “When one of my kids died during the war, it was hard to process, but in time you will learn to forgive yourself.”

Mya smiles. “Thanks for the words, Jack.”

“Now let’s stop with the sappy shit, and talk about you guys coming to my little get together.” She grins. “It’s only the people from the Normandy SR-2 days.” She rolls her eyes, "Even the bitch is coming, don't worry Mya."

"You call her a bitch all you want, but I know you talk to her about things such as work, and relationship problems when I'm not around." 

Jack blushes, "I told her not to tell you!" My laughs.

Garrus’s brow plates raise. “So, when you say, everyone. Like, everyone?” He starts to think of Tali, and he can already feel the awkwardness.

“Well, not everyone. Tali won’t be there.” She smiles.

Mya looks down. “I don’t know.” She’s starting to feel fear that her friends are going to hate her for actually being with Garrus, and he can sense it.

“Come on, Mya.” Jack frowns. “I know why you look like that, and honestly, stop.”

Mya looks at her, as Jack glares back at her.

“I know it’s wrong to cheat, blah blah blah, but guess what?”

“What?”

“No one is going to care. Whatever is happening between you, Kaidan, and Garrus, is your business. I’d much prefer if you’d break things off, and just be with Garrus for all to see, but things aren’t looking like that.”

Mya smiles, tucking a lock of hair behind her ears.

“I plan to, actually.”

Garrus's heart stops, and he looks at her in shock. Jack is also speechless, while her eyes are wide. She actually plans to end things with Alenko! Why didn’t she tell him before?

Yes, she said she will stay with him forever, but honestly, he wasn't sure about her words. He was still skeptical but told himself that he shouldn't be, even though he very much was. She never said anything more about it as they went about their days being with each other. 

He guesses that makes sense. She told him she will stay with him forever, and that was that.

Maybe he should have trusted her word.

There are no words said between the three, as people pass by them, and the sounds of food being bought play. There is laughter around, but it doesn’t involve them.

“R-Really?” Garrus finally speaks. 

She nods. “Of course! I did tell you I wanted to stay with you forever, Garrus." She tilts her head, "These five months have been the happiest I've ever been in a very long time.” She smiles. "How you handled Ethan's birthday...that was a solidification that this is where I belong." She softly said, and it looks as if she wants to cry.

"I...I'm sorry I didn't trust your words." He rubs his fringe, "I guess I thought it was too good to be true." 

She grabs his hand, "It's okay. I forgive you."

She smiles then turns to Jack who is still in a state of shock.

“Kaidan is on a mission right now, and I plan to wait for him to get back before we talk.”

“Shit.” Jack gasps.

She giggles. “To be honest, it sounds like he’s ready to let things go, as well.” She smiles brightly. “So, yeah. I plan to end things with Kaidan, and finally get what I’ve wanted for years now.” She looks at Garrus.

"Plus, me and Big Guy here are planning on visiting a doctor to see about increasing our odds at creating a baby together." She grins.

He looks away, trying his best not to scream and shout to the entire place what’s going to happen. He swallows his excitement, but his mandibles will not stop moving in happiness. As they continue to shop with Jack, who convinces Mya to come to the party, Garrus fights to just pick Mya up, bring her home, and make love to her all night long.

“See you two tonight!” Jack calls out and leaves them as they pack their car.

“Well, guess I’m seeing everyone tonight.” Mya smiles. “You think James would like to come?” She looks at him, but all he can think about is being with her right now. In bed, naked, trying to make a baby. “Garrus?”

“Marry me,” he says, and she stops packing.

“W-what?” Her eyes are wide.

He chuckles. “I don't care when you want to, Mya, but I do hope sooner rather than later.” He grabs her chin. “Marry me, and become Mrs. Myana Vakarian, or you can keep your last name. I don’t really care, just marry me.”

“Garrus,” she whispers and smiles.

She jumps, kisses his mouth, and he pulls her in close.

“Yes.” She giggles. “I will marry you.”

***

He’s sitting on the couch, waiting for Mya, who is stuck in the bathroom, hating herself. With a sigh, he stands up and walks towards the door, and leans against it.

“Mya, you look beautiful, just come out and let’s meet with our friends.”

“Alright.” She walks out and bites her red lips. “How do I look?”

His mandible twitches. “Like a goddess,” he whispers, and she giggles, touching him softly.

“Oh, shut up.”

She goes for her coat but stops, and he looks at her wondering why. 

"You should mark me." She smiles. 

_What..._

"Excuse me, what?"

He just couldn't believe what came out of her mouth. Once again, she leaves him speechless when it comes to marking each other. The time she marked him was such an amazing moment, but it was ruined by the fact she was still going to leave to be with Kadian once everything is over.

But, seeing how she is going to leave Alenk-Kaidan to be with him instead, he would like to mark her.

Just didn't think it would be now.

"You should mark me." She gets close, and carcasses his chest, "Make me Mrs. Vakarian." 

It's not that simple since they need a bonding ceremony, but hearing her call herself 'Mrs. Vakarian.' 

"You can't say no to me this time, Big Guy." She crosses her arms, "I will be your wife one day, and the mother of your children."

Garrus feels his body heat up from her words. How can this woman be so amazing, and perfect, and-

"Make me your one and only."

_Fuck._

How can he refuse when she's giving him everything he ever wants.

"I... _coughs_...okay." He swallows, taking her hand, "it's not that simple though." 

She smiles, "I know, Big Guy, but it's the first step, right?" She cutely tilts her head. 

He nods, "That's correct." He coughs again, feeling his body heat up. 

She walks over to the counter, uses the chair to climb up, and sits there waiting for him with a smile on her face. Tilting her head to the side, he stares at her neck and wonders how to do this wouldn't hurting her.

Then he remembers how much of a freak in bed she is and walks over with confidence.

"This will hurt a bit." 

She giggles, "Big Guy, am I one to complain about a little pain?" She winks.

He kisses her lips hard, feeling himself becoming hard at hearing those words.

_We're not perfect, but you are perfect for me._

Forgetting the time, he pushes against her, opening her legs, and getting her panties off. It's not long before they are having sex on their kitchen counter as she clings onto his neck, begging for him to go harder. 

"Fuck." He grunts, as her nails dig into his hide. 

"We...are...so...late!" She moans loudly.

He chuckles, "We'll make an excuse." He groans, and goes to lick at her neck. 

Without a second thought, he bites her. Lightly at first, before bitting harder to leave a mark. 

"Garrus." She whimpers, holding his fringe tightly as her legs lock tightly against him. 

It's not long before he releases himself inside of her while she moans quietly against him, he could feel her walls tightening against him.

Pulling out, he sighs before zipping up his pants and looks at her. Mya is slightly shaking and he could see his cum falling down her legs. Walking away to the bathroom, he goes to grab a rag to help clean her up. When he came back Mya is smiling and looking at him. 

"If I'm not pregnant by now, I don't know what to say." 

He laughs and cleans her up. 

"Hey." She whispers, and he looks up from her legs. "How does it look?" She tilts her head, and he sees his mark. 

Standing up straight, he lightly touches it, and she whimpers a little from the pain, but continues to smile, telling him that it's okay.

"It looks good." He looks at her, "But anything looks good on you." 

She laughs, "Could you help my fat ass down from here!" She lightly pushes his shoulder. 

He helps her down, and slaps her ass, causing her to gasps. 

"Garrus!" 

"I love your fat ass." 

He slaps again, and she laughs while pushing him out the door; finally leaving the apartment for Jack’s place.

It takes them thirty minutes to get there, and during those thirty minutes, he watches Mya shift in her seat in fear. When she takes another deep breath, he looks at her, knowing why she is acting like this.

“If you want, we can just go in there as friends.” He nods. “Just say that, and it’s okay.”

She looks at him and frowns. “But that’s not what I want.” She sighs. “I want to walk in there, with you by my side.” She smiles. “I don’t want to hide my feelings, or myself from people.”

He looks at her, feeling happy that she feels that way. All he ever wants is to be by her side, showing everyone that they are together, and in love. Mya looks at him again. His heart skips a beat because she really is a goddess in his eyes. Liara would be laughing for speaking of goddesses.

When they get to the place, he holds her hands, and they make their way to the door. After ringing the bell, they wait, and he can feel Mya squeeze his hand. They look at each other and slightly kiss before the door opens.

“Hey! You guys made it.” Jack grins. “Come in, everyone is here already.”

Walking inside, they see multiple old friends from their Cerberus days, and a few others they don’t know. Garrus looks over to see Joker and EDI, talking with James and Miranda. Zaeed is with Samara, and a few others they don’t know. Gabby and Kenn are sitting with each other, and Garrus shivers when he feels a light touch.

Spinning around, he sees Kasumi.

“Hey, long time no see.” She smiles.

“Kasumi.” Mya looks at her in shock. “How are you?”

“I’m alright.” She smiles. “You guys a thing again?”

Garrus looks down at the two, waiting for Mya’s reply. He doesn’t want to say anything, even though a piece of him wants to say yes, but he waits.

“Yes. I haven’t told Kaidan yet, but I’m going to once he comes back home.” She bites her lips. “I want him to know from me, not from someone else.”

“Oh, you’re still married.” She chuckles. “Well then, your secret is safe with me.” She smiles and goes invisible again.

Garrus looks at Mya, who is looking down as if thinking of something. He rubs her shoulder, and she looks at him, smiling.

“Are you sure?” he asks.

She nods. “Yes.” With a smile, she kisses his mandibles. “Now, come on. Let’s talk to everyone.”

Walking inside, they say hello to a few people. Some are shocked to see how much she’s changed, while others are happy to see her again. Everyone laughs when she calls Grunt her tank baby all grown up, and he does his special laugh. He sees the sadness in her eyes as she calls Grunt her baby, but after speaking to Grunt, she grabs his hand, and he supports her through her emotions.

"Thank you." She whispers, looking down in sadness. "I didn't...think it would hit me as hard as it did." 

He rubs her back, "It's okay, Mya." 

She looks up at him and smiles. 

"Just remember everyone here will support you." He whispers. 

It's not long before she is back in, and talking to everyone with him by her side for a bit before he goes off to speak to Zaeed and James. It's a bit a while since he spoke to Zaeed, but they quickly catch up and plan to booby trap the place with James's help before Jack told them she will kick them out or send her two varrens on their asses if they try that shit.

Suffice to say, they stop planning. 

When around her.

An hour later, Mya and Garrus take a seat next to Joker together, and Joker grins at them.

“So, you two are together again.” He chuckles.

Mya nods. “Yeah, but please don’t tell Kaidan. I want to tell him first before anyone else does.” She shifts a little on the chair, as Garrus places his arms behind her on the couch.

Joker nods. “No problem, Commander.”

“Please, either Shepard or Mya is fine. I’m no Commander anymore.” She smiles softly.

_At least not in that sense._

Garrus chuckles lightly, and it's as if Mya knew what he is thinking because she starts to blush while side-eyeing him.

Joker chuckles. “Damn, and here I thought we could go on the Normandy again, and shoot up some bad guys.”

Mya laughs. “Don’t think I can do that again.” She brings up her hands, and they shake. “Can’t keep ‘em steady anymore.”

He whistles. “Wow. That bad?”

She sighs. “Yeah. Doesn’t help that I got addicted to smoking, and now I’m trying to quit.” She smiles, looking at Garrus. “Big Guy here hates the smell and taste when we kiss.”

Garrus chuckles. “That, and you need a healthy body for a hurian.” He places his arm back behind her.

She laughs, "You're right."

"Damn, baby talk, already?" Joker chuckles. 

"Yup!" Mya smiles, "It hurts losing my son, but you know what? I want to have a family. It's been a year since his death, and I am ready to move on." 

Garrus watches her, and couldn't help brushing a few strains of hair from her face, cupping her cheeks in happiness at her words. 

"I'm happy for you, Mya." Joker smiles, "You look so much happier after years of watching how miserable you were." 

She frowns, "Was I that...obvious...I thought I was hiding it well." 

He shakes his head, "No, you weren't. Maybe I didn't see all the details, but I could tell you weren't happy." He drinks his beer, "We all did, Mya. After all, we were with you during the Cerberus days. We know when you are happy and when you weren't." He nods. 

Even Garrus is surprised by this revelation.

"Is that why you became addicted to smoking?" Joker asks.

She nods, “It was something I did to cope with doing everything that everyone wanted.” She frowns. “Then my son… passed away, and I lost myself to eating and smoking.”

Joker frowns. “I’m sorry you had to go through that.”

She smiles. “It’s okay. I’m getting better.” She leans on Garrus, and his heart picks up. “It’s so nice to have support.”

“Kaidan doesn’t support you?” He drinks more of the beer in his hand. 

“No.” She shakes her head. “Kaidan has been nothing but supportive after the death of our son, but he’s not who I want.”

Joker nods. “I see.” He smiles. “Well, if it's the support you need, I am here for you, Mya.” He laughs. “It’s going to be weird, calling you Mya.”

“What’s wrong with calling her Shepard?” Garrus tilts his head.

He shrugs. “Just want to call her Mya.”

As they continue to talk, Garrus watches Mya opening up more and more. It’s nice to see her feel comfortable around everyone. To see her strip away any mask, and just be herself, is refreshing. It’s something he wants to see indefinitely.

She is laughing, and even singing along with people. The scrunchie she brought helps keep her hair in a ponytail, and soon the music changes. People are dancing around, and once Mya starts to dance, Garrus can’t keep his eyes off her.

She dances silly. She dances as if she doesn’t know anything, but then she starts to move her hips. From side to side, she moves her hips, and he can tell she’s had some lessons on the side. Jack calls her out, stating how she remember the moves.

“You taught her?” Garrus looks over at Jack, who is drinking.

“Yeah.” She laughs. “I couldn’t let her keep doing the ‘Shepard Shuffle.’” She downs her drink. “To be honest, she wanted to surprise Kaidan for his birthday, and thought dancing sexy for him would work.”

He hums, feeling jealous. “Did it?”

She shrugs. “She called me, thanking me for the lessons, but it didn’t go as planned. She said he got a call and went to help a friend with something.”

Garrus tilts his head. “A friend?”

Jack nods. “Don’t know who, but it didn’t faze Mya, so I didn’t care either.”

Mya dances over to Garrus and takes his hand. “Dance with me.” She grins, and he gets up to dance with her.

He’s terrible at dancing, but he leaned on the fact that Mya was bad at it to get away with it.

Sadly, he can’t do that anymore, because now:

She can dance.

“Sorry, I’m not so good.” He chuckles, trying to move fluently.

She giggles. “It’s okay, just follow my lead.”

His brow plates raise. “Wait, aren’t I supposed to lead you?”

“Only in the tango, Big Guy.” She smiles. “I still remember that day.” She brings his hands to her hips, and he follows her lead.

As they dance, he starts to remember that day, and how they danced so sexually with each other. She was impressed by him and even flirted back when he dipped her for the finale. Only James knew what he was doing, but even then, he didn’t come between them. Now Garrus is wondering if James was secretly rooting for them.

If so, he thanks him.

She was so stressed that all Garrus wanted to do was help her unwind, and have some fun. She had been struggling after the death of Thane, and he understood. Thane was a good man, and for Kai Leng to kill him was hard for everyone. Then there was the Reaper War and the issues with Cerberus.

Everything was just bad, but he knew how to get her to relax and be happy again. He didn’t know what was going on with her and Kaidan at the time. Maybe they were fighting, or Garrus just wanted to think negatively of their relationship, because of his jealousy. However, he didn’t care, he wanted to spend time with her, and spend the time he did.

“Wow, that… was amazing,” she said, as he had her dipped.

He chuckled. “So, what do you say we take this somewhere?”

Her eyes glowed, and he brought her back up. “I don’t know, Garrus.” She giggled. “But it’s tempting.”

“Hmm, are you sure? There are a few surprises tonight I want to try with you.” He purred.

“Garrus,” she whispered, looking around as if trying to find a place for them to hide. “God, you are… so tempting.” She grabbed his hand, and pulled him somewhere else, while James was talking to some other girl.

It wasn’t long until they were somewhere private. He was biting, and licking her neck, wanting more of Mya Shepard. She was moaning, as he held her leg by the thigh.

“Oh, God… Garrus.” She moaned. “I… I’m such a bad girlfriend.” She groaned, and he looked at her.

“It’s only between us,” he whispered. “He doesn’t have to know.” He watched as she visibly swallowed, and nodded.

Their mouths met, and their tongues collided. His hand sneaked under her dress, and he started to tease her, causing her to whimper. She pulled back from the kiss and moaned his name in the dark. Garrus was breathing heavily, wanting to take her right there and then. She squeezed against his fingers and cried out.

“Fuck.”

He groaned, feeling his cock slide out of his slit, wanting more. “Mya,” he whispered, and she looked at him, biting her lips.

“Okay.” She nodded and pulled off her panties. Wanting a secret memento of this moment, Garrus took them from her and placed them in his pocket.

Without a moment's notice, he was deep inside of her, as she tried grabbing onto the wall for support. Both his hands were on her ass, holding her up as he pounded into her. She squeezed hard against him, and he felt drunk from being in and around her.

All he ever wanted was to be with her forever. He just wanted her to pick him over Kaidan because he knew her better. Kaidan didn’t know Mya Shepard. Kaidan knew Commander Shepard, but Commander Shepard died.

“Garrus." She lowly growled, and he could tell she was trying her hardest not to make too much noise to indicate what they are doing.

He slammed hard into her, filling her with his seed. He was happy she couldn’t get pregnant when there was a war, but spirits, he would die happy if there was some miracle to let it happen.

After pulling out, she got a call from Kaidan and frowned. “I… I have to go.” She looked at him and swallowed. 

“Why can’t you just be with me?” he angrily asked, zipping up his pants.

She shook her head and looked down. “I just can’t, okay?” She inhaled. 

He looked at her, knowing that was bullshit. He could feel the anger in him as he continued to look at her.

“Whatever, Mya.” He watched as she kept flipping from her Commander Shepard mask to herself.

“Anytime I’m around you, I just… want you. I can’t control myself around you.” She glared. “You’re just so fucking amazing. Everything about you is amazing, and I hate it!” She walked away in a huff.

He took lessons to win her back, but it didn’t work.

They had sex, and he hoped it would get her to be with him, but it didn’t work.

He watched her walk away with an angry and depressed heart, but his hands reached for her panties in his pants, and he stared at them.

Although he didn’t win her over…

Tonight was still something he would cherish.

Bittersweet, humans would call it.

***

Garrus looks over at Mya, who is sleeping lightly on the window as he drives them home. The night was nice, and he enjoyed it, but he needs to tell her something. Jack told him to tell her about Tali, and it feels right to do so.

“What’s wrong, Big Guy?” She yawns, looking at him.

He makes a turn and stops the car. “Jack told me why Tali didn’t come to the party.”

She gives him a sad look. “It’s because of us, huh?”

He nods. “Yeah.” He looks down. “It’s mostly my fault, to be honest. I used her… I used a lot of women to get over you.” He looks over at her. “It never worked, but I tried.”

She looks outside the window. “I’m sorry.” She looks at him. “I feel like I pushed you into her arms.”

“Don’t be sorry. The only person who did her wrong was me.”

“Still. I—”

“Mya.”

She inhales.

“Don’t blame yourself for my mistakes. I sent her an email, stating how sorry I was to her a few months back, and she told me she was healing after what I did to her.” He swallows. “And that she didn’t want me to contact her.”

“Garrus.”

He turns to see her eyes are wet with tears.

“It’s going to be okay.” She says, looking at him as the cars fly by, lighting up her eyes.

They hold hands, entwining their fingers.

“I’m so happy to have you by my side, Mya.” He stares into her eyes. “I don’t know how I ever won your heart, but I’m glad I did.”

She smiles. “I’m happy to have won your heart, as well.” She leans over and kisses his mouth. “Promise me you’ll always be with me, Garrus.”

“I promise to always be with you, Mya.” He squeezes her hand. “I love you.”

“I love you, too.” She smiles.

He chuckles. “You love me so much, that you feel bad for eating my very well-made sandwich yesterday.”

She bursts out laughing. “Garrus! Are you serious?”

“I am very serious! That sandwich was important. It was the pick me up I needed after working with my class.” He laughs.

“I told you already. I’m only saying sorry once.” She giggles, and he makes a face. “Fine. Let me remake you one tomorrow.”

His eyes grow wide. “Spirits no! You’re horrible at cooking.”

“You take that back!” She gasps and laughs. “How about I make it up with something else?”

“Let's see.” He hums as his mandibles twitch.

She crosses her arms. “This better be good.”

“You’re going to stay naked for the whole week.” He nods, starting up the car. “Even when I’m not there, you are going to stay naked.”

She smirks. “What if a guest comes by?”

He winks. “I’ll warn you.”

She giggles, "Fine. Now let's go home. We have an appointment to make for the doctors." 

Garrus chuckles as she continues to talk about that home they both want while they continue their drive home.

They’re not perfect, and he doesn’t want them to be perfect. They make mistakes, but it's okay because they have friends and family who are there to love and support them through it all.

Yet what really helps?

The support for one another.


	15. Family

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A family she always wanted

Myana Shepard always wanted a family.

When she was a child, she was the bright-eyed, big smile kid in her orphanage, that waited days, weeks, months, and years just for a family. It’s funny how a big smile can disappear on a child’s face if they are disappointed enough.

“Come on, Mya.” He smiled, and she bit her lips, looking around to see the other men hungrily looking at her with the same smile. “Don’t you love family?”

She nodded. “Yes,” she quietly stated.

“So, if you love family, you have to do what family says.” He looked at her intensely. “You have to do what family wants.”

She didn’t want this.

She didn’t want this.

She didn’t want this!

“Okay,” she whispered, and she stripped for them.

_Come on Mya, just put on a smile and do it._

_For family._

***

Opening her eyes, she heard him snoring beside her, and she turned to him with a smile on her face. Kissing him on his mandibles, she sat up, and stretched, feeling her limbs waking from her sleep.

“EDI, what’s on the agenda today?” She stood up, making her way to the bathroom and preparing a shower.

“Nothing for today, Commander.”

“Thanks. That will be all.”

“Of course, Commander. Logging you out.”

Once in the bathroom, she turned on the water and sighed at the warm feeling. Her mind went back to her past self when she would do anything just to keep people around.

God, she hated herself.

She started silently crying for her younger self. Wondering how that could even happen to her, and why she allowed it to happen for so long. She always hated that dream, hated how it would come into her life randomly, just to remind her how fucked up she was.

The door opened, and she turned to see Garrus walking inside. She didn’t say anything to him, but she didn’t have to. He made his way over to her and joined her in the shower. She cried into his chest, and he held her tightly.

After a while, they continued the shower, with Garrus washing her body with her rag and soap. She giggled as he kept wiping over her sensitive tickle areas. It got so bad she ended up laughing and trying to wiggle away from him.

“Come here,” he complained, but he kept laughing, as he continued to wash her body and tickle her.

“Garrus!” She kissed his mouth, and he brought her in close.

Soon, they were under the shower, washing off the soap, while being there for each other. He grabbed her chin, and he stared into her eyes, telling her to tell him what was wrong. She sniffed, and almost cried again.

“It’s okay; you don’t have to tell me,” he whispered.

Her eyes became watery. “Just had a horrible dream about my past.”

He hummed, and she laid her head on his chest.

“I've done horrible shit, and I had horrible shit done to me in the name of family.”

“You’re better than them,” he whispered.

“Sometimes I think that way, but sometimes it gets hard.” She inhaled and turned around. “I still remember what Kevin did to me.” She glared at the wall.

He wrapped his arms around her. “Who’s Kevin, what did he do to you, and where can I find him?” He narrowed his eyes, and she could see the want to kill in them.

She explained what happened, and Garrus brought up seeing Kevin, and the others, on Earth. At first, she told him no. That it was her past, and the last thing she wanted to do was relive it again, he looked at her hard. She could see in his eyes that he wants to push her, but instead, he kissed her lips, and told her, okay, saying he would be there for her no matter what.

After the shower, Garrus was getting ready for the battery while Mya was biting her fingers at her desk with a datapad in her hand, thinking about what he said in the shower. The more she thought about it the more she wanted to go back, and face her fears head-on.

“EDI.”

Garrus looked at her.

“Yes, Commander?”

“Tell Joker we’re going to Earth.”

“Yes, Commander.”

Garrus crossed his arms. “You sure you’re ready?” He looked at her intensely, and she nodded, going back to her datapad.

“Yes.”

When they got to Earth, she quickly made her way towards the original hangout of her old gang, her ‘family.’ Garrus was behind her, while the crew enjoyed Earth, or just stayed on the Normandy. Mya didn’t really give a shit; she just wanted to see if ‘they’ were there.

“Earth isn’t a bad-looking place.” Garrus shrugs, and almost steps on a needle. “Reminds me of Omega a little bit.”

“Earth is very imbalanced. What you see here is just the shitty part of Earth. Other places are beautiful because that’s where all the rich people are.”

He hummed and continued to follow her.

When they got to the old hangout, Mya glared, noticing the place was clearly abandoned. With a sigh, she walked inside, wondering what she wanted to do to the place.

Maybe burn it down?

Walking over to an area, she stood there, staring at the wall while remembering what happened. She hugged herself, and Garrus walked behind her, touching her shoulder. She glared, remembering the crying, and wanted to run away.

“All I ever wanted was a family. They were my family, and they used me.” She turned around to look at Garrus. “This was the spot… I always dream about. It was this spot where all my hopes and dreams died. This was the spot I created my mask.”

“What happened?”

She looked behind him as if transported back to the past. “I was told to stand here, and get naked in front of the guys… the ‘family.’” She frowned. “Eventually, they did things to me, because that’s what the family wanted, and what the family wanted, they got.” She glared.

Before he could comfort her, she walked past him into a different area, with a huff.

She stood there for a moment, and looked sad, before glaring at the spot in anguish. 

"This is where I killed my first alien." She could feel the guilt in killing someone innocent, "It...it was a salarian female, and all she wanted was to go home." 

"Mya." 

"I killed her...Garrus." She wiped her tears, "I killed her for their pleasure."

Walking over, she bent down, touching the area lightly. 

"She just wanted to go home to her family." She inhaled, "I'm so sorry."

Standing back up, she looked at Garrus, and he gave her a look of reassurance. Before he could speak, she saw a door behind him and made her way over to it. Opening the broken door, she looked around almost breaking down.

“This is the room I lost my virginity. Gave it to the 'man of the house’ _Kevin_.” She glared. “He said he’s the ‘Daddy’ and he wants me to be his ‘little girl.’” Punching the wall, she almost cried.

Almost.

“Fucking… piece… of shit,” she growled, punching the wall each time, and shivered with hate and pain.

Garrus wrapped his arms around her. “Come on, Mya. Let’s get out of here.”

“I don’t want to.” She pushed past him, and into a different location. “I did everything for my ‘family!’ I gave them everything!” She glared. “All I ever wanted was a family! But, what do I get?”

“Mya.” Garrus tried to calm her down, but she was feeling horrible.

She turned around to look at him. “I get the most disgusting, vile, pieces of shit that ruined me!” she screamed.

“Mya?”

They both turned to see a man who was older and had some grey, but Mya knew who it was.

She glared. “ _Kevin_ ,” she spat.

“I can’t believe you’re alive.” He looked older, cleaner… and she hated it. “Is this your boyfriend? An alien? Really?” He glared a little, and Garrus glared back at him.

“You must have a death wish,” Garrus growled, touching his gun in its holder, ready to kill.

She growled, stalking over to him. “Yes, he is my boyfriend, and whoever I fuck is none of your fucking business!” she shouted, then grabbed her pistol, and aimed it at him. 

He put his hands up. “Whoa! Wait, Mya.” His back was against the wall, and he gulped when her pistol was touching his head. “Please, Mya.”

“Don’t you even fucking dare say my name!” She pressed harder on his head. “I should kill you where you stand,” she whispered, as tears began to fall.

“Look, I’m sorry, okay? I did some fucked up things, and I am sorry.” He swallows. “I found Go—”

She punched him in the face, and he fell to the ground, groaning. Her foot went to his throat, and he quickly held the foot, with fear on his face.

“Don’t you fucking dare say ‘I found God!’ After the shit, you did to me! No _God_ would ever forgive you!” She glared, pressing down on his hands, ready to crush both them and his neck.

“P-please… I’m… sorry... I have a family,” he coughed out.

She laughed. “Good, they would be happy knowing you are dead,” she growled.

“Daddy!”

Mya looked up to see a little girl holding a teddy bear.

“Don’t huat Daddy.”

Mya looked at the little girl and saw so much of herself. Bright and wide-eyed, full of hopes and dreams. She looked down at Kevin, realizing this little girl was looking up to this monster. Not wanting to traumatize the girl, she stepped away but then started to walk toward her.

“Please,” Kevin begged.

Squatting down, Mya smiled. “Hi.”

“Hi,” she said quietly.

“What’s your name?”

She bit her lips nervously. “Mya,” she whispered, and Mya turned to look at Kevin.

“I… we named her after the first human Spectre,” he said.

Mya turned back to her. “Mya.” She looked at her softly. “How old are you, Mya?”

She held up three fingers.

“Don’t ever let a man hurt you, okay? Don’t let a man think he can take and get whatever he wants from you.” She glared at Kevin. “And if your _daddy_ ever touches you, call for Commander Myana Shepard.” She didn’t know if the girl would remember since she was still young, but she hoped… she hoped if anything happened to her, she would remember.

The girl hugged her teddy bear tighter and nodded. With a small hug, Mya stood up, and walked over to Garrus, with a small smile.

"You ready?" He asked. 

She nodded, "Let's get out of here. I want to lay down." 

At the hotel, Garrus was taking a shower while Mya sat on the bed naked, replaying the day events. She thought about Mya and wondered if Kevin will manipulate that little girl just like he did to her. Wondering if she's both forms of 'little girl' and him 'Daddy'. 

She started to cry, and Garrus walked out of the bathroom. 

"The soap here is nice smelling. I give it that-" He stopped talking, and rushed over to her. "Mya, come here." He pulled her into his chest, and she cried harder.

"I just wanted a family, Garrus." She sobs, "All I want is a family. Why couldn't I have a family?"

He pulled away and held her face up to look at him. Emotions swim in his eyes, and she wondered if he can have tears would he cry with her?

"I'm your family, Mya." 

Her lips tremble. 

"I'm your family, and once the Reapers are dead, we're going to have a big one, okay?" 

She sobs, ugly crying in front of the turian she loved the most. 

"I'm going to give you everything in the future. Do you want a big house? I'll get it for you. Do you want ten kids? It's going to take a while, but we will adopt like crazy!" 

She started to laugh through her tears. 

"Garrus." She laughed cried. 

He pulled her into a kiss, and she felt instantly better as if the world of pain didn’t matter anymore.

All because he was there with her.

“I'm your family, and one day it's going to grow, and...and...” he whispered, placing his head on top of hers.

She sniffed and nodded. “You are my family," she whispered happily with more tears running her eyes. 

"I promise, Mya, we're going to have a big family one day."

Crying harder, she felt him hold her closer as all the pain from her younger years drain from her body. Facing her fears and memories was hard today, but she did it. It's over, she doesn't have to do what others want to keep them happy. She doesn't have to ignore her happiness! 

Just let it go, and live her life.

With Garrus by her side.

She kissed his mouth, "I love you, Garrus." She whimpered. 

"I love you too, Mya." He kissed passionately.

Comforting her for the rest of the night. 

***

They are making out.

His tongue is deep inside of her mouth, twisting and twirling, pushing and pulling. She moans, grinding on his lap, as his hands are inside her panties, lightly caressing her ass. Her arms are around his neck, using her fingers to brush against his fringe, causing him to groan. Turning her head, she begs him to stick his tongue deeper inside of her mouth, and he does.

It’s not long before she is soaking wet, and he’s fingering her. She humps against his fingers, as he rolls his thumb on her clit. Her body is hot and sweating, as she sucks against his long, wet tongue that’s fucking her mouth. He groans, and she moans, cumming in unison.

“Shit.” He sighs, looking at his pants. “Need to change before work now.”

She grins. “Sorry, Big Guy.” Getting off him, Mya smiles at her handy work. “Now you need to get naked for me. Can’t have you leaving the house like that.”

He takes his pants off. “You’re right.” Walking over to his drawer to find more clothes. "In the meantime, I guess we would take our medications." He nods at her.

Standing up, Mya walks over to their bathroom, taking out each of their syringes in plastic wraps, and looking at them for a moment. Ever since she has said she will go on medication to prep her body for pregnancy, they have been trying to get pregnant. Garrus wasn't too happy that he has to take medication as well for a higher chance, but doesn't complain since he wants this as much as her.

But, it's been a struggle. 

After taking them out of their plastic bag, she walks out of the bathroom and over to him with a smile. 

"Hey, Big Guy."

She shows him the medication, before putting the syringe with his medication down on the bed for his turn, and giving him hers. 

He nods, "Lay down." 

She lays there and watches as he opens the cap, showing the needle. Taking a deep breath, she feels him inject the clear liquid into her hips. 

"I wonder." She whispers, and he looks at her, "I wonder if it's because we were bad people."

He tilts his head, "What do you mean?"

She shrugs, "The reason why we can't get pregnant." 

He wipes the blood from her hips and discards the needle.

"I don't think so." He grabs her chin, "I know we haven't been successful, but if we keep trying, and making sure to take the medication every day, I'm sure we got this." 

She smiles, feeling a little better. 

"Plus, we're not bad people. We made horrible mistakes, but that doesn't make us bad people." He stands up straight, "We're getting better, and becoming better people."

Mya nods, agreeing with him before grabbing his syringe, taking off the cap, and placing it near his hips. She looks up to see him turn his head away from the needle.

She giggles, "Still scared, Big Guy." 

"Y-yeah." He coughs, "Hurry before I start panicking." 

She giggles again, before nodding and injecting him, giving him the clear liquid. Garrus closes his eyes, and she watches as he mentally calms himself. She laughs a little at him being scared of needles because here is this 7-foot tall badass war hero, the best sniper in this galaxy, and Omega's vigilante who, by the way, held out for days against three of the infamous gangs in the Terminus System!

On. His. Own!

Scared of needles.

So, she can't help but laugh, although she understands being scared.

No one needs to know of her fear of insects. 

.......No one, besides Garrus, needs to know of her fear of insects.

Kissing his stomach, she smiles up at him while rubbing his side. She giggles at seeing his slit open, and his cock slides out. Just looking at it makes her wet to the point she gives him a small lick, tasting him before sucking him off.

“Why are you like this, Mya? Not that I’m complaining, of course.” He groans, rubbing her head as it bobs back and forth on his wet cock. 

She pulls away and smirks. “Like what?” She sits back, with her legs wide open for him to see how wet she is, and judging from the twitch of his cock, it’s working.

“So, _hot_ this morning.” He grabs her legs and lifts them in the air by the back of her knees. “I need to get to work, and you are a tempting little minx right now.”

She winks. “I just want to give you everything, My Alpha.” She smiles, kissing at his neck as he enters her. “I want you, and all of you.” She moans.

He groans at her saying those words, and she closes her eyes with her arms around his neck. She can hear how wet she is, as he pounds into her repeatedly, making her moan and squeal his name. He has work in an hour, and it takes him thirty minutes to get there from their new home. No longer are they inside that apartment.

“Garrus!” She cries out, grabbing his fringe hard, as he grunts.

He kisses her, and she sucks at his tongue. Her toes are curling, her heart is racing, and she’s slick with sweat once more from their activity. This is the dream; this is what she has always wanted. They don’t have a family, yet, but they are trying. She is still married, but once Kaidan comes back from his mission…

She won’t be married to him anymore.

There is no more guilt when it comes to Kaidan. She feels a little bad knowing she is going to hurt him when she tells him the news, but she can’t lie anymore. When she started this vacation with Garrus, six months ago, there was a chance she would never want to go back, but she knew, even back then, she was still holding onto the guilt of Kaidan.

However, not anymore.

Now she is free from the chains of herself. That dream this morning… that dream within a dream this morning opened her eyes. For years, she lived behind masks because she had to teach herself to do it, but now she can’t form them anymore.

Not with Garrus around.

“I love you,” she whispers, as he finishes inside of her.

He groans. “I love you too.”

As he’s getting ready, she cleans up their room and watches him a bit. He checks the time and curses. She does feel a little guilty knowing he’s going to be late.

But, the morning sex was hot, and she doesn't feel guilty for that.

“Before I go, you looked as if there is more to why you wanted me.” He scratches at his fringe.

She smiles. “Remember Kevin?”

His eyes go dark. “That piece of shit who did those… fucking things to you.”

She can see his fangs; he is getting angry.

Laying her hand softly on his chest, she watches as he calms down, and looks at her.

“Yeah. I had ‘that’ dream again. The one where it starts with my usual dream of being gang-raped.”

His eyes saddened for her.

“Then it changed to when we went to Earth to see the old place.”

He pulls her into a hug. “Mya.” He kisses her lips to comfort her, and she silently thanks him with a look.

She smiles. “It’s okay, Big Guy. That… pain was so many years ago.” Her hand rubs his mandibles lovingly. “You are still the only person who knows,” she whispers, as he looks at her, surprised.

“Wow.”

She can see how happy he feels at being the only one, and it makes her giggle. “I just… remembered you were there for me through it all.” She grins. “And I just wanted to give you a thank you present.”

He chuckles. “Well, you are welcome, and thank you, Mya.” He kisses her lips deeply.

“Mya,” she whispers, and he tilts his head. “I wonder how she’s doing.”

“Kevin’s daughter?”

She nods.

“We can look her up in the database if you want. I have a bit of access.” His mandibles twitch, and she smiles warmly at him.

“Yes, please. I hope she survived. But not Kevin, I hope he was taken and processed into a Reaper.” She glares. “Along with everyone else.”

Garrus nods. “I agree.” He hums. “Do you know her name? Full name?”

“Mya Miller. Although, I don’t know how common the name Mya is now.”

“Which it would be, seeing how you are a hero.” He chuckles, and she rolls her eyes.

“But, maybe? Just get me all the Mya Millers and I can point her out.”

He nods. “Can do, my Queen.” He kisses her lips, passionately. “Okay, I need to go.” He turns to leave.

“Wait!”

He turns to look at her.

“Just one more.” She giggles, and kisses him deeply. Pulling away, she smiles, but he brings her back.

“One more,” he whispers, and kisses her, again, deeply.

She laughs, pushing him away. “Go to work! I’ll be here.”

“You promise?” He winks.

“I promise.”

With Garrus gone, Mya starts to clean up a bit and watches something on the holoscreen. They bought this home after their talk about taking medication to create a family together. She's not going to lie, she was a bit hesitant during the time of dealing with her son's birthday, but as time went on, she decided why not. They finally are together after all and trying to build a family.

Something she desired as a little girl.

But this time, a proper family.

With little kids running around.

Friends and family at barbeques.

She wants the dream, and Garrus told her he would give it to her. It doesn’t hurt anymore, knowing that she never wanted that with Kaidan. She is happy to say she only wants it with Garrus. To be honest, she and Kaidan haven’t talked since their late son’s one-year birthday, and it's okay.

In the future, she knows Kaidan isn’t going to talk to her, but it’s not the end of the world. She’s sure Kaidan will live happily with someone else, someone who can give him everything he wants. He doesn’t need her, nor her guilt, so why give it to him?

After cleaning, she’s outside on the balcony of their penthouse staring with a happy smile on her face at her new home. It’s not Earth, which makes her even happier. She has finally left that horrible place and living someplace she wants.

With happiness, she spins around and starts to dance crazy. Her dreams are coming true. It has taken so fucking long, but it’s coming true! Even as an Alliance soldier, she always felt something was missing in her life.

She loved her job.

Being a soldier was one of her dreams after she met Anderson at a young age, who convinced her to join the Alliance at eighteen. She pushed, and became amazing, building her career as an amazing soldier wonderfully. From sole survivor to war hero, and to avenge her fallen comrades, by ultimately becoming the Torfan Butcher.

She was a decorated soldier, and then a goddamn galaxy hero. She _loved_ her job; it was the Alliance stupidly parading her around as some celebrity she hated.

Nevertheless, she is free.

She’s free to enjoy the life that was given back to her. If she were to talk to her orphan self, she would tell her to never give up. Keep fighting for what you believe in. Do not let the monsters take your hope away. Do not let them change you.

Do not hide.

With heavy breathing, she sits on their couch, looking around with a smile on her lips. Tears are running down her face because she is free from everything and everyone. Garrus has helped her breakaway, and she’s so happy to reach this point. For years, she has been so depressed, and she hated everything.

Who knew seeing Garrus again would change that?

Turning on some music, Mya lays on the couch and rubs her stomach wanting nothing more than to become pregnant with Garrus's baby. There were moments of happiness, which was dashed once they learned she wasn't pregnant. All those negative tests made her upset with herself, but Garrus keeps her level headed. 

"Please." She begs, "I know I wasn't a good person growing up, or a good person after the war, but please have mercy on me and give me a baby."

She swallows, thinking of Ethan, and how much she hated the fact he was inside of her during the first trimester. 

God, she was awful.

"I'm so sorry, Ethan. Mommy loves you so much. Mommy wishes you were here." She cries, "Mommy wants to give you a little brother or sister. Please, have mercy on me."

The doorbell rings, and she quickly wipes her face, fixing herself before walking over to see who it is. It’s a turian woman, and she doesn’t know if she should open the door.

Was Garrus expecting someone?

“Hello?” Mya asks.

“Hi, are you Mya? I’m Garrus’s mother, may you open up?” She’s not quite asking, but she isn’t demanding, either.

Opening the door, Garrus’s mother looks her up and down, and Mya feels scared she’s going to be rejected.

She laughs. “Garrus knows how to pick ‘em.” Walking past Mya, she heads to the kitchen. “He was scared to have me meet you, but how can I look down on the hero of the galaxy?” She chuckles.

_It's more like I didn't want to meet you yet, thinking you will look down on me._

The number of days Garrus would ask her to meet his mother, but she would always decline. Looks likes his mother couldn't wait any longer, and this terrifies her.

Mya coughs, walking towards her. “Oh! Uh...hi, nice to meet you, Mrs. Vakarian." She nervously chuckles, "Um...Garrus is at work and-”

She looks at her. “Oh, I know honey."

"Oh," Mya whispers, feeling scared of Garrus's mother's reaction to her. If there is one thing she knows about Garrus. 

He loves his mother and honestly, it's adorable. 

Garrus is a mama's boy.

The nights he would speak about her during their Cerberus days. The nights she would comfort him when he hears news of her sickness getting worse. He even told her about the new tech they produce after learning about the Reapers that helped his mother recover.

He was so happy that day, and couldn't stop talking about his mother.

It made her jealous of him, but very happy at the same time.

Garrus loves his mother, and she wonders if having his mother hate her will make or break their relationship.

"I came here to teach you how to cook Garrus’s favorite meal and to get to know you. If you are to become a Vakarian, I would like to know you.” She nods and starts to pull out items from the fridge.

“Oh.” Quickly, Mya goes for her apron, and they are working on the meal for Garrus.

“So, Mya. Do you cook?”

Mya sighs in embarrassment. “I try, but Garrus is the one to cook for us. I am horrible at it.” She frowns. “I keep trying, but I keep failing.” She looks at the pot determinedly. “I don’t plan to give up, but I wish I could cook for him sometimes.”

His mother nods. “That’s good. I don’t want you to be afraid of new things, and from what I’ve learned of you…” She cuts the meat with pristine precision. “You are not someone to give up.”

Mya looks down at the scar on her hand. “Sometimes… I do.”

His mother eyes her.

“Sometimes I just want to give up on everything and everyone,” she whispers, remembering her suicide attempt.

She touches her shoulder. “It’s okay, Mya.”

Mya feels her heart race. She already feels like the mother she never had, and she almost cries. “Thank you, Mrs. Vakarian.”

She laughs. “Please, call me mom. After all, one day you’ll be my daughter.” She eyes her suspiciously. “Right?”

Mya nods. “Of course. Once I get a divorce—” She bites her tongue, looking at Garrus’s mother in fear.

“It’s okay, honey. Garrus told me already.”

Mya looks at her in shock.

“I was scared you were using my son for his love, which would be just awful, but your eyes tell me a different story.”

Mya looks her in the eyes. “I love Garrus. From the bottom of my heart, I really do. He’s the only man I’ve thought about, day in and day out, for years.” She smiles. “Once my divorce is over, I want to be his one and only, and create a big family with him.”

She touches her stomach, thinking of all those...negative tests. She's really starting to hate the minus sign.

"At least...I hope." She sighs, "I feel like I am being punished for the things I have done, and now I can't get pregnant." 

"Did you go to the doctor?" His mother asks. 

"Yes, they said I am healthy, and-"

"So, be patient." His mother cuts her off, "When I was trying for Garrus it took me and Castis two years." 

"Two years?" Mya frowns, she didn't want to wait that long. 

His mother laughs, "I can tell you don't want to wait, but sometimes you have to. I know it's hard, but trust me, it's worth the wait." 

Their eyes meet. 

"Enjoy the time together, and eventually, boom, a baby." She laughs, "Don't think and stress about it too much, and you'll be surprised how fast one get's pregnant."

Mya looks down, "I guess that's how those women on the holoscreen get pregnant." She rolls her eyes, "Seeing how ungrateful they are at being a mother...pisses me off." 

"Don't fault them, Mya. Some people just genuinely don't want children, or can't handle them." She nods, "In my honest opinion, don't worry about them and just focus on you and Garrus."

Mya thought about what she said and agreed that she should focus on herself and Garrus, not people on the holoscreen.

She touches Mya's shoulder, "Your time will come, I promise." Her mandibles twitch.

Mya could feel the warmth of a mother, and it makes her feel happy. 

She hopes that one day she will have one of the things she always wanted before. 

A mother's love.

"Thank you." Mya smiles, "You're right. My time will come, and when it does it won't stop there." 

His mother gives her a happy look. “Good.” She goes to put things in the pot. “A big family is going to be wonderful. Do you know how many you want?”

Mya grins, "I want three kids. Garrus joked about wanting a daughter so bad that he wants to keep going until that happens. I don't know how serious he is, seeing how there is a fifty-fifty chance each time." She laughs.

"Careful, Garrus isn't one to go back on his word." His mother winks.

Mya blushes, "Oh god."

She could already picture them with three boys, and Garrus really pushing for another time to have a girl.

There will be a hard limit, but ultimately, she wouldn't mind a fourth child.

She chuckles. “Keep to your word of getting a divorce to bond with my son." She looks at Garrus's mark on Mya's neck, "Completely of course, and I might show you a thing or two on helping you get better at cooking.”

Mya smiles brightly, feeling already close to the woman.

“You think Garrus was always as good as he is now?” She laughs. “He was terrible at cooking. Poor Castis.” She shakes her head. “He was the one Garrus would use to test the food.”

Mya giggles. “Please tell me more, mom,” she says, trying to cut her own meat.

_Mom...it feels...nice to say it._

His mother laughs. “There was this one time Solana got into Garrus’ ‘food.’ My poor daughter.” As she tells the story, Garrus's mom slowly shows her how to cut the meat properly, bonding with her.

Mya Shepard always wanted a family.

She dreamed of big parties involving family members. Little kids running around making fun of each other. Adults drinking and playing games. Friends trying to one-up each other, and telling war stories.

She dreamed of bonding moments between mothers and daughters. Love between husband and wife. Fights between siblings.

She never had that growing up.

That day...that dream spoke to her, reminding her of what Garrus promised her that day, and all the other days he's promised the same thing.

One day, they will have a big family.

A family she always wanted.


	16. Symptoms

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Finally, they are starting their family

Garrus opens the door, and steps inside with a hot breakfast, and a nice cup of OJ. He chuckles lightly at his sleeping queen, before putting the food down. With a small thought, he wonders how to wake her up, and decides to open the curtains.

“Wake up!” he shouts, and she shoots up, holding her pillow like a gun.

“I’m going to kill you, Harbinger!” She blinks a few times, looking at her pillow, and then at Garrus. “You son of a bitch!” she gasps.

“Hey! Don’t talk about my mother like that.” He laughs, and she throws the pillow at him. “I made you breakfast, and this is how you treat me.”

She glares at him. “I’m tired! How dare you?”

He grabs the food. “You’ve been asleep for hours, Mya.”

She yawns, as he places the food in front of her.

“You need to eat something.”

She sighs. “Okay, but you’re still an asshole.” She bites into the bun. “And an amazing cook.” She eats, and he chuckles as she moans at the taste.

“So, before finals take all my time away.” He grabs a piece of egg. “I was thinking we could spend time together.”

She frowns. “Finals week is coming?”

He nods. "In three weeks."

“That's three weeks, Big Guy. We have tim-” She yawns again.

“Yeah, but the closer it gets the less time I could spend with you.” He rolls his eyes, as he goes for her drink.

“Hey! Didn’t you make this for me—” She yawns again?

He chuckles. “Okay, that’s the third time you yawned. Are you okay?” He feels her forehead. “You’re not sick, are you?”

She sighs. “No, at least I don’t think so. Just so… tired.” She pushes the food away. “Just want to sleep for eternity.”

“Yeah… no, we’re not having that.” He takes the food and starts to drag her out of bed. “You are going to spend time with me, Mya, before the dreaded finals week!”

She groans and tries to use as much of her weight to keep her on the bed as she can. “Let me sleep!”

He stops, and hums, before picking her up.

“Garrus! Put me down!”

He slaps her ass after putting her down.

“Garrus!”

“Shower time, honey!”

She laughs, as he drags her to the shower.

They were walking and holding hands, just enjoying the outside because Garrus wanted to just spend some time with her without any distractions. They window shopped for a bit, bought some ice cream, and spoke more about the future.

“Think we can sit?” She frowns, and Garrus grows worried again. “I'm cramping,” she grumbles.

He nods, and they find a bench to sit down. Her head is on his shoulder, as they people watch from afar. There is genuine concern for her health at this point, and he wonders if the surgery is finally catching back up to her. His thoughts start to become occupied with Angela, and what the doctor was talking about before.

Looking down at Mya’s stomach, he doesn’t notice any swelling, so maybe he’s just overthinking it. Still, it’s terrifying to think she’s sick because he just doesn’t know what to do. There is always his trusted omni-tool, but then again, he could always ask Mya.

Who is lightly… snoring?

He almost laughs at her sleeping, again. She has been so tired lately, and he wonders why. Maybe because of all the sex. He chuckles at the thought of Mya not getting enough sleep because they keep having sex. Maybe he should tone it down, but being around her, he can’t stop himself from wanting to do all kinds of things to her.

She mutters something, and he looks down to see she is talking again in her sleep. It’s not often she does this, but when she does, it’s usually involving the Reapers. They just can’t get enough of her, can they?

There are still horrible nights for the both of them, but at least they have each other. Sometimes he pictures himself in a tub, about to be processed, and it’s terrifying. Each time he needs to scream at himself that it’s all in his head, and it works!

Sometimes.

Other times, he’s drowning in pain and fear, wondering when it’s going to end, but since he’s alive, it’s never-ending. Mya still has breathing problems, which he hoped would go away in time, but they don’t seem to want to. Either way, he’s still there for her.

Mya sits up. “Did I fall asleep?”

He chuckles. “Yes.”

She yawns.

“Come on, let’s go home.”

She smiles and nods. Taking her hand, and entwining their fingers, they begin their walk home.

“Five more months,” she whispers as they walk, and he looks at her, confused. “Until Kaidan gets home, and I talk to him.”

“Oh, yeah.” He looks at her. “You ready for it?”

She nods. “It has to happen. There is no way I can go back to being Myana Alenko.”

He nods, feeling happy by her words.

When she met his mother three weeks ago, while he was at work, he was terrified his mother would hate her.

But, she doesn't.

_"I see why you love her, Garrus. There is still more I want to learn from her, and of course, she needs to keep her word for me to get on board with your relationship, but I have faith in you two. I believe in you two."_

_"Thank you, mom."_

His father, surprisingly, wasn’t so bad, or against their relationship. They never told him Mya was still married, and he thanked his mother that she hasn’t, either. Solana is still super busy lately, but she and Mya have met over the omni-tool.

Five months.

She’s right, it’s five more months until Kaidan gets home, and she ends it with him. A part of him is scared that she will…not go through with it, and he has to suffer with her not wanting to end things with Kaidan because she’s scared to leave her mask.

Another part of him, which is a lot more solid in his mind, calls bullshit and believes Mya is going to end things, so they can officially start their new lives. He doesn’t know when the possibility for a child will come, but he doesn’t mind waiting a long time for it. Again, a twenty percent chance is better than zero, and he can wait.

As long as he has his queen by his side.

Mya Shepard.

Or Mya Vakarian.

Both ways, she’s his, and he’s hers.

Getting home, Mya makes her way upstairs, into their bedroom, telling him she’s going to take a nap. While she is sleeping, he types in her symptoms onto his omni-tool, and it comes up with menstruation in human women. With a nod in understanding, he leaves to buy some things for her. It’s not the first time this happened, he’s still slow on picking up the cues, but he’s working hard on understanding her body.

After buying some medication, and ingredients, to make some lunch for her in hopes to ease the pain, he makes his way back home. While he’s cooking, he hears her groaning upstairs, and leaves the pot to make his way to her.

“Everything okay?” he asks.

“Still...cramping,” she whimpers, and he leaves for the heating pad.

Walking back inside the bedroom, he sees her curling up on the bed. “Okay, I have the heating pad.”

She smiles and kisses him. “God, I love you.” She smiles, and lays on her back, as the heating pad rests on her stomach. “Thank you.”

He chuckles. “Anything for you.” He leaves and goes back to the kitchen to finish her food.

It’s not long before he shares her food, and gives it to her, leaving her to eat as he sits in the living room, going over the finals. His students are smart, very smart, and he believes they will all score high. Maybe one or two will get low eighties, but he doesn’t mind.

Every year, his students are always nineties and above, with only a few in the low eighties. Although this year, his students have been struggling with his course. He did help as much as he could, so now it’s up to them to score high.

It would be almost shameful to break the ‘tradition’ of his class always having high scores, but it’s just the way things go. His course is advanced programming for a reason. It’s required to be ready for a challenge to enter his class because he takes programming, especially calibrations, seriously.

He gives one hundred percent, so he expects one hundred percent.

He remembers the days on the Normandy SR-2, calibrating all the time, to the point Mya was complaining, and even trying to seduce him out of it. Although to be fair, most of the time, she would seduce him when he's really stressed out, because somehow, she can tell when he's stressing out.

Even so! He is proud to announce, he didn’t fall for her advances, and made sure his calibrations were top-notch on the Normandy SR-2!

Maybe he fucked up once or twice.

Okay, maybe more than once or twice.

Mya was… really good at getting him.

“So, is this how you are going to ignore me?” she said, with a wide grin on her face, because she knew he was going to break.

He sighed. “Can it wait for a bit? I'm in the middle of some calibrations.”

She glared at him. “Garrus!” She locked the door behind her. "I can see your stress without even looking in your eyes!"

Oh, he’s in for it.

"I was watching you on that mission, Big Guy, and I think it's time for Mya Shepard's relaxation therapy service." She seductively said, which caused his slits to tremble.

“Mya.” He warned.

She hummed.

“I’m serious. Calibrating the new gun is important.”

She hummed again, and he heard her ruffling with her clothes.

_Fuck._

“You know, when we hit the Collector homeworld, it’s going to be very import—”

She moaned beside him, and he made sure not to turn his head to see her.

“Garrus, are you going to keep ignoring me?” She moaned. "Don't you want to relax with me?"

He glared at the console, not even wanting to speak anymore because she was a dangerous woman right then. What part of ‘can it wait a bit, I’m calibrating’ didn’t she understand? The headache he's been dealing with for a while now is pulsing against his skull at this point, and it was getting worse.

She started to make lewd noises, and he was becoming worked up, but he focused on his work. The Normandy’s new guns she installed were amazing, and he was glad he got her to get them. EDI had commented how important this upgrade would be in the future, because of how powerful they were.

He felt like a ‘rock star,’ as Joker would say when he was feeling good about himself.

“Garrus.” She moaned again, and he turned to look at her, to tell her to stop but stopped at seeing her naked and wide open for him to look at.

“Spirits.”

She looked at him with a cocky look, and he hated her for tempting him like this. A tempting little minx who knew how to get what she wanted from her Alpha.

“Come relax with me, Big Guy.” She licked her wet lips, and he groaned at the sight.

“Calibrations?” he questioned, more to himself than her.

She giggled. “You can calibrate this pussy.”

His eyes grew wide, because, Spirits, this woman!

“I hate you.” He growled, taking his clothes off and walking over to her, as she giggled.

“You can hate me all you want.” She gasped, and cried out, as he entered her. “But you love when _I...moans_...help you relax.”

He panted, working his cock in and out of her tight hole, while holding her flexible legs in the air, forcing her into a V-shape. She had one hand on her clit, rubbing for more pleasure, while the other was holding his arm for stability. Their bodies were moving rapidly, hard, and rough, just the way he loved it.

Her ponytail looked to be causing her some issues, and she grumbled, before pulling it out, causing her hair to go wild against the wall. He captured her lips in a kiss and groaned when she started to suck at his tongue. It was one thing when she gave him a blowjob, but it was another when she sucked his tongue.

It was a major turn-on for him, ever since she did it once, and he couldn’t stop himself from wanting it all the time. The women he’d been with couldn’t do that, because they were turian, so to have it done to him was just an experience he’d never get tired of.

“Garrus! Garrus! Oh, fuck!” She screamed, throwing her head back, and came.

“Mya.” He grunted, pulling out of her, and jerked himself off, while throwing his head back. With a loud groan, he came, jerking his body forward a little each time, before slowing down his pumping.

He didn't even know how stressed he was until that moment, and he silently thanked her for doing this for him. His body is more relaxed than he expected, his headache is completely gone, and the fear of hitting the collector home world one day isn't at the forefront of his mind anymore. 

Only Mya Shepard. 

His beautiful, sexy, Commander girlfriend. 

Spirits.

He's going to marry her one day.

Opening his eyes, he looked down to see Mya's face and tits were covered with his cum, looking at him, shocked. Instantly, his body is tensing back up, and there was a sense of horror for what he just did, but he couldn’t speak and say sorry, because it was such a damn tense moment right then.

Her eyes traveled up to his, and he wanted to die, or run away, to seek refuge from what he just did.

Then she used her finger to swipe some from her face and licked it.

“Mya!” He gasped, and she tilted her head.

“Such an odd taste.” She whispered to herself before going for more and quietly moans each time she consumes it. "Much better than expected."

He panicked. “What the fuck? No ingesting!” he shouted.

She glared at him. “Would you shut up? Are you trying to let everyone know what we just did?”

He still looked at her, wide-eyed. “You… just… what?”

She giggled. “I talked to Mordin, and asked him to do me a favor.” She ate more of his cum, and he wanted to scream again. “I was curious about how you taste and asked him to help me do it. I _was_ planning on swallowing while giving you a blowjob, but this will do.” She consumed some more. 

“Why do you keep doing that!? Tasting is different from what you are doing right now!”

She slapped his thigh. “Stop. Shouting.” She crossed her legs. “Look, I was sort of into this when I was younger.” She bit her lips.

He tilted his head. “What?”

She sighed. “You know of my fucked-up childhood. This is what I used to do for them,” she whispered. “Clean up after… they finished on me,” She finished cleaning her face.

He took a seat next to her. “But, why are you still doing it?”

“Conditioned… to be honest.” She smiled, bringing her knees to her chest. “It’s weird, I know, but I couldn’t help myself after you came on me.” She giggled.

He stared at her, wondering what to think of that.

"I hope you don't think ill of me, Garrus." She looked away embarrassed, "I swear I didn't want you to know this about me, but honestly, it was only a matter of time before you found out."

Mya looked back at him, waiting for him to say something, but all he could do is stare. 

She bit her lips, "So, yeah, your girlfriend enjoys cum."

_Damn._

"Cum in and on my body. Drinking cum. The works." She gave a nervous chuckle, placing her hair back in a ponytail. "You're the only one who knows of this, Garrus. So, don't tell anyone, okay?"

She started to hum to herself, with her eyes closed, and he tried to figure out what to say.

"So...are there others-"

"No!" She looked at him wide-eyed, "When I joined the Alliance I never did it again. Although, I did attempt it with Kadian." She frowned, "but all it did was trigger my trauma." He saw a little blush, "But when you did it." A smile grows on her face, "Let's just say, you're the only guy I wouldn't mind doing this with."

“I don’t want to—”

"Oh." She frowned. 

"Hurt you." He finished.

"Oh!" She looked surprised.

"First of all, I'm not a human."

She opened her mouth.

"I know you said Mordin helped you achieve this, but I need to be sure."

She closed her mouth and stared at him before nodding in understanding.

"Second of all, the last thing I _ever_ want to do is take advantage of you like that."

On her face, a smile grew as he continued to talk. 

"I mean it's hot, like weird hot. Like..ahem...I don't understand, but I want to explore kind of hot." He chuckled nervously, "Definitely didn't see that coming."

He hummed and she giggled at his rambling.

"Just whoosh," He hand gestured, "Slapped me in the face with that fact, you know?" He looked at her with a goofy expression. 

Mya broke into laughter, and he laughed with her, happy to see that the tense air isn't around anymore.

"What those humans did to you was horrible, Mya." 

She quieted down, looking at him.

"You don't have to-"

“But I want to.” She smiled, laying her head on her knees. “I like it.”

“Garrus.” He snaps out of memory, to see her smiling at him hungrily. “I know I’ve been tired lately, but…” She takes her robe off. “Want to have some fun?”

He chuckles, putting his omni-tool away. “Hey,” he says, walking towards her.

She hums. “What is it?” She smiles, as he takes her in his arms.

“Do you… still like to ‘clean’ yourself?” He coughs, and she tilts her head in confusion, before realizing what he’s asking.

“Yes.” Her eyes look at him seductively. 

He nods. “Okay. Okay.” He feels his body becoming hot because he really wants to do it now.

“Well, are we going to do it?” She tilts her head innocently.

Garrus was speechless, feeling the excitement rushing through his body straight to his cock, which is twitching behind his pants.

Mya grins, feeling up his arms, and biting her sexy full lips while giving him sex eyes. Before he could speak, she pulls away and begins to walk backward, licking her lips at him before turning around and walking away, making sure to swing her hips from side to side, hypnotizing him.

She turns her head over her shoulder with a smirk, "Come on, Big Guy." She flirts, “I miss cleaning your cum off my body.”

He swallows.

“Okay then.”

***

Three weeks later, it's a day before finals, and both Garrus and Mya are sleeping soundly in bed, naked.

Until, Garrus wakes up to Mya throwing up in the bathroom, again. For the past week, she has been throwing up day and night. 

This is concerning.

But, it begs the question-

_Maybe she's...don't get your hopes up, Garrus._

Staring at the door, he stands up, pushing away the questions. Walking inside, he holds her hair, as she throws up whatever she has in her stomach. With a sigh, she stares inside the toilet for a moment, before looking up at him.

“Sorry, did I wake you?”

He shakes his head. “No.”

She gives him a look.

“Kinda.” He chuckles, as she goes to brush her teeth. “Should we go to the hospital?” He doesn’t notice any blood, but he’s worried.

She hums and spits into the sink. “No, it’s okay. Must have been something I ate. My stomach hasn’t been feeling right for a while,” she says this, but has a weird look on her face, as if conflicted about something.

_Maybe...no! I refuse to get hopeful again._

After watching her wash out her mouth, his eyes follow her as she walks into the bedroom and lays in bed with a sigh. He joins her after, still wondering why she’s throwing up. 

Still...hoping.

Wanting to help her feel better, he places his hand on her stomach.

“Want me to rub it to make it feel better?” he asks, and she looks at him, giving him a weird look before laughing. “What?”

She laughs harder, “Sorry. That question was so jarring for a moment." She smiles, "Yes, Garrus. Please do.”

He starts to rub her stomach. It's not long before he hears her sigh, and being a good fiancee, he goes to find out to help her feel better.

“What’s wrong?”

She looks at him. “I’m getting fatter.”

He sits up. “Mya.”

She gets out of bed and walks over to the scale to weigh herself.

“Come on, Mya. Why do you have to torture yourself like this?” He sighs, rubbing his fringe. “If you want, we can increase our workout regimen.”

She glares. “That’s the problem, Garrus! I’m working out, eating right, and I’m counting calories!” She glares at the number on the scale. “I just keep gaining weight!”

“Honey.”

She looks at him.

“Love of my life.”

Mya rolls her eyes, but he can see the smile on her face.

“Even if you are gaining weight, you look like the bomb.”

She blinks, and it’s as if her mind is doing mental gymnastics, and Garrus wonders to himself if he fucked up. That’s the saying, right? ‘You look like the bomb?’

“You look like the bomb? Garrus, are you saying I’m so fat I’ll explode?” She glares, and he can feel the energy of hate coming off her, directed to him.

He panics. “Wait, no. That’s not what I meant! I love how fat you are!”

“Garrus!” Tears begin to form in her eyes.

Everything is getting wild, and he doesn’t know how to fix it. “I mean! I mean, okay, I am failing here, and I don’t know what I can say to make you feel better.”

_Spirits, her emotions are wild._

Mya sits on the bed and rubs her stomach. He stares at her, wondering what to do, what to say. Maybe he should call his mother to ask her what’s the best way to talk to Mya right now.

Suddenly, she’s laughing.

“No. I can’t…oh, my god.” She giggles. 

“Um… what?” Garrus gives her a confused.

She looks at him, and giggles. “Come here, you.” She leans forward and kisses his mouth.

He doesn’t know what the hell just changed in her, but if making out can make her feel better, then so be it.

While spooning, he hears her giggle again, and places his hands on her stomach, feeling her fat. He squeezes, noticing that it’s somewhat hard.

_Weird._

“Garrus,” she whispers.

He hums.

“Don’t be late coming home tomorrow, okay?” She shuffles her body closer to him.

He’s still confused, and honestly, he feels like a damn idiot. Clearly, there are signals here that his brain isn't understanding, and it is driving him nuts.

“What aren’t you telling me?”

She yawns. “I’ll tell you tomorrow, Big Guy. Just need to confirm something.” She sighs. “Go to sleep, finals are tomorrow.”

Okay…?

She was angry just a moment ago.

Then sad.

Then happy.

All in a span of five minutes.

Now she is telling him ‘I’ll tell you tomorrow?’

What the hell is going on?

By tomorrow morning, Garrus feels tired, but he owes it to his students to be alert and awake. Damn Mya and her damn emotions!

Sitting at his desk, he’s watching his students work silently on their finals. First is the lecture exam, and in the coming week will be the lab exam. Whoever does well in the lecture test will do well in their lab test.

Standing up, he starts to walk around, checking to see if anybody is cheating, and gauging how they are taking the test. As he walks around, he thinks about Mya, and what happened last night. There is something itching at the back of his mind, but he doesn’t entertain it much, since he must focus on finals.

Doesn’t help that she seems to be hiding the truth from him.

_“I’ll tell you when you come home, Big Guy.” She smiled and continued to draw on her digital pad. “Now, let me work. This drawing isn’t going to draw itself.”_

He feels obsessed and really curious about what she is hiding.

He stops at one of his student's tests, and eyes it. Tilting his head for a moment, he wonders if the student really believes that’s the answer. Not wanting to intimidate the kid, he walks away, and back to his desk.

“Professor.”

He looks at his student that he stopped at earlier, and waits for what he wants to say.

“I don’t think I’m passing this year.”

He frowns. “I think I’m the judge of that.”

His student looks down in shame.

“Look, you’ve been trying this year, and it shows.”

“I heard you only pass the best.” He looks at him. “If I score below an eighty, I fail, and—”

He laughs. “Who told you that? You can only fail this course if you score below a seventy-five.” He crosses his arms. “It’s higher than the avenge class, but I do expect the best out of my students.”

His student sighs. “That’s the thing… I think I failed.”

“Again, let me be the judge of that.” Garrus starts to wonder if his student is trying to gain sympathy from him because that doesn’t work. “Just go home, and focus on getting ready for the lab test this week.”

“Okay, professor.”

“Just remember that the lab and lecture go hand in hand,” he calls out, hoping that gives his student some hope.

Walking home, he passes by a liquor store, and smiles, spotting Mya’s favorite wine. After buying the wine, he walks happily home, knowing he’s going to get a great gift of sex. At least he had better get some, after torturing himself awake, trying to figure out what is going on! She said ‘don’t be late,’ and he won’t!

Therefore, there must be a sexy roleplay in store for him.

His favorite, Spectre Myana, Shepard against Archangel.

_I can’t wait to see her in a tight suit again._

“Mya! I’m home!” he calls out, but he can’t find her anywhere. “So, you tell me to come home early, and you’re not here, wow,” he grumbles, feeling sad he won’t see his honey in a tight suit.

_Actually, I think I need to buy her a new one. Should be more careful with my talons._

Humming, he walks over to find a note, saying that she left to buy something.

“Well, guess I could wait.”

Putting away the wine, and changing his clothes, he makes his way to the couch to watch a bit of holoscreen until she gets home. He has to grade the rest of his student's tests, but he’d rather wait until tomorrow when he doesn’t have Mya’s naked body on the brain.

Plus, judging from what he’s graded so far, his students are passing with high scores of ninety-five and higher. The first one he graded was the one student who was scared earlier, but he shouldn’t be, seeing how he’s the highest at ninety-eight.

After an hour, Mya walks inside, and he looks over at her with food in his mouth.

“Hey,” he calls out, but she ignores him, and runs to the bathroom.

She starts throwing up, and he puts the food away, not able to stomach it after that. With a sigh, he sits there wondering as she finishes up. He could hear her flush the toilet and brush her teeth.

She doesn’t come out, and he hums, thinking of the possibility that maybe she's-

No, it can't be since there would be a scent if she was.

But, that's only when she's close to the second trimester!

So there is a good chance...

That this could be like all the other times, and he's setting himself up for disappointment.

Again. 

He leans back in the chair, waiting as the minutes tick by, and during the entire time he waits, fighting against himself. Wanting to stay as unexcited as possible to not deal with the disappointment, but also wanting to jump for joy because the signs are there that she's-

"Mya! You alright in there?"

She didn't say anything, and it makes him wonder.

When she came home, she was clutching something in her hand as she ran to the bathroom...which looks to be a test.

Did they finally pass?

No, it's another negative test.

But...maybe...

Thinking back to her throwing up, and her wild emotions to her hard stomach...

Shooting up from his seat, he rushes to the bathroom and opens the door.

“Mya, are you pregnant?” He finally asks, because his head is about to explode with the constant back and forth.

She is on the toilet wide-eyed and looking at a pregnancy test. There is a tense moment in the air, and he wonders what the result are. Her facial expression starts to change, and tears begin to run down her eyes. Feeling the disappointment take over his body, he turns away from her, not wanting her to see his face.

"Garrus." She whispers, and he couldn't tell if it's because she's sad or happy. 

"Y-yeah, Mya?" His voice cracks, because he could feel the depression setting in.

“I'm pregnant!”

He spins around so fast, he almost fell. Mya jumps up, squealing and crying as she shows him the test; and his eyes grow wide, staring at the positive sign.

Twenty percent chance at passing their test.

They tried, and tried, and tried.

Guess his class is not the only ones passing a test this year.

“We're pregnant!” He lifts her in his arms. “I’m going to be a dad! You’re going to be a mom!”

She laughs. “Garrus! Put me down!” she cries, holding onto him tightly.

“We’re going to be parents!”

He does a twirl, after bringing them into the living room.

“I love you. I love you. I love you!” he repeats, as he kisses her lips.

Finally putting her down, he holds her tight, and their heads meet.

“I love you too, Garrus.” She cries with a big smile on her face.

Finally, they are starting their family.


	17. Our Little One

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> What. Did. You. Do

The heart is a beautiful musical instrument.

It’s all she can hear, as it beats over and over and over. She can’t stop listening to the music that fills her ears, and she cries because she never wants to stop hearing that beautiful sound. It has been two months since they found out she was pregnant, and they have been going to many visits to find out more and more about their baby.

Today they will learn the sex.

“Mya,” Garrus whispers, holding her hand as she continues to cry.

“I’m sorry. The heartbeat is so beautiful.” She cries, and the salarian doctor smiles.

She looks at the screen some more. “Ready to know the sex?”

Mya nods. “Yes.” She sniffs.

She smiles. “It’s a boy.” The doctor goes back to typing away at her console, as Mya sobs.

A boy.

A baby boy is growing again inside of her. At this point, she doesn’t even know if she’s crying of happiness or sadness. To think she will become pregnant again with a boy scares her, and makes her want to scream. She doesn’t want to lose another baby boy again.

Ethan.

“A boy,” Garrus whispers, and she can tell he’s thinking of Ethan.

The doctor hums. “I went over your history, Mrs. Vakarian.”

She still wants to thank the doctor for listening to her earlier request, weeks ago.

“And I know of the stillbirth that occurred, so I want to make sure you come back every two weeks, to keep check of the baby.”

She nods. “Okay.” She almost stutters.

“I know it’s scary,” the doctor starts, “But you need to remain calm during this pregnancy, and don’t stress. As I said before, birthing hurians is special and requires a different understanding. Okay?”

Mya nods.

“If there is any bleeding or cramping, please contact us.”

Garrus nods. “Thank you, doctor. We will make sure to keep that in mind.”

“Of course! Congratulations on sixteen weeks.” She smiles.

After their doctor visit, Mya is overwhelmed, and almost full of energy. She’s sixteen weeks, and at the second trimester of her pregnancy. She’s been here before, and it makes her happy to be here again.

With Garrus’ baby, this time.

She’s humming, and happily rubbing her stomach, as he drives them home. One more of the rooms will be occupied soon.

“I can’t believe it,” he whispers, and she looks at him. “I’m going to be a dad.”

She giggles. “Yes. It’s a wonderful feeling to know I’m pregnant again.” She bites her lips, trying her hardest to keep the fear at bay.

Garrus grabs her hand. “It’s going to be successful, Mya,” he says. “I promised you a big family, and I will give you one.”

She smiles. “Thanks, Big Guy.”

Garrus drops her off, since he needs to go grab something from his office, and she decides she wants to take a bath. With a smile, she takes her clothes off, and looks at herself in the mirror, admiring her swelling stomach in happiness.

“Hey, baby.” She smiles bigger. “Daddy will be home soon, don’t worry.” She rubs her stomach, thinking of the time before.

When she thought she was pregnant by Garrus, years ago.

When they broke up.

“Garrus! Garrus!” She moaned, biting onto his hide, and causing him to groan, as his talons dug into her body.

“Fuck, Mya.” He grunted, working his body faster, and deeper into her.

“Yes!” She screamed as he came deep in her, as they kissed, and she sighed, knowing this had to end. They had been doing this for years now, and it was time to call it quits.

Because she was getting married in a month.

As they put their clothes on, Mya couldn’t look at him, as she prepared herself to break things off completely with Garrus. It was funny how she planned on doing this with Kaidan, so she could be with Garrus, but everything changed when he popped the question to her. She felt guilty for doing this to Garrus, but she didn’t want to hurt Kaidan anymore.

_So, you hurt Garrus instead._

She had cheated on Kaidan with Garrus so many times now; she was drowning in guilt at that point. It was just so hard to let go of Garrus because he was so amazing. He was talented, caring, loyal, and just… amazing.

She was obsessed with Garrus, and there was no way she could have a successful marriage with him around. Shit, her relationship wasn’t successful, because of all the cheating she did with Garrus around. She was a horrible fucking person; no wonder her life was shit because she deserved it.

“Garrus.”

He hummed, turning to look at her.

“This is it.”

He narrowed his eyes. “What?”

She swallowed. “We can’t do this anymore.”

He looked angry, confused, sad, and… hurt.

“I’m sorry.”

“You’re really going to marry him?” He looked at her in disbelief.

“Yes, because I love him.”

“You’re fucking lying.” He glared.

She glared back. “I do love him.” She clutched her hands into fists. “I love him,” she repeated. “I… love Kaidan.”

He shook his head. “You seem to have to repeat that each time.” He laughed bitterly. “You really think saying it over and over again will magically create this connection between both of you.” He crossed his arms.

“I don’t have to repeat it! I really do love him,” she repeats, again.

“No, you don’t.” He gets closer. “You ‘love’ him out of guilt. That is not love, Mya, that’s just wrong.” His eyes softened. “I know you’re trying to hide it, but you can’t. Not around me. You’re as much in love with me as I am you.”

She frowned. “I don’t love you.”

“Liar.”

She looked away. “I’m getting married, Garrus. We can’t do this anymore. Just forget about me.” She turned around, to get some of her things, but he pulled her into his arms.

“Mya, please.”

“Garrus, let me go,” she calmly stated, as her body started to heat up.

“No,” he growled in her ear. “I hate when you lie like this to me… to yourself. I know you feel guilty, but you deserve happiness, Mya. Just break up with him, and be with me.”

She pushed him away from her. “You know what your problem is, Garrus?” She glared. “You think that you are some fucking hotshot that women will drop everything for.” Tears were starting to form. “Well, that’s not me! I’m not dropping everything for you! I love Kaidan!” she shouted.

His eyes showed heartbreak. “You really think that of me?”

She bit her lips.

“You really think that’s how I view you?” He got closer, and she backed up. “You really think I view you as some girl who will drop everything for me? That all I need to say is ‘I’m Garrus Vakarian’ and you’ll be mine?”

She thought about Tali, and what she told her about Garrus. “Tali said that’s how you treated her.” She frowned.

“Yeah, well you’re not Tali,” he growled. “I don’t care about Tali. Hell, we’re broken up right now, but once I call her, she’ll come back to me.”

She glared. “Garrus! She’s—”

“Not you!”

She kept her mouth open, as he got closer.

“She’s not you. I would do anything for you, Mya. Please, please don’t leave me.” He backed her into a corner and towered over her.

“Garrus,” she whispered.

“You’re… Mya Shepard… the woman I will always come back to.”

Her eyes softened, wanting to take him in her arms.

“I love you so much, Mya. I will drop everything in a heartbeat just to be with you.”

_Oh, Garrus… I want to do the same._

“Please, come back to me.” He whimpered, and she cried. “Please, Mya. Please. Just come back to me. I only want you. I only need you. I will do anything to have you back.”

“I can’t… I can’t… I can’t,” she chanted.

His eyes looked broken. “You can’t? Or you won’t?”

“Garrus, please.” She inhaled. “Please don’t make it harder… I can’t have this anymore. You know I can’t continue this with you, once I marry Kaidan.”

“Then don’t,” he begged. “Marry me. Be my wife. Let’s have a family together, please. I beg you, Mya, please come back to me.” He cups her cheek, "I still want, no, need to fulfill my promise to you, Mya. Remember? The big family, Mya?"

He whimpered, and her lips trembled. 

"Don't you remember, Mya?" He inhaled, "The b-big family I promised you." 

"Garrus, please."

"Remember." He glared, "Don't you remember, Mya?"

His head touched hers, and their eyes meet. 

"I'm your family, Mya, remember? We're supposed to have a big fucking family." His mandibles twitched, "Ten kids and a big fucking house."

She shook her head, laying her hand on his chest, feeling his beating heart. “Garrus, I can’t.” She cried. “I can’t.” She sobbed. “I’m sorry, but I can’t.”

He pulled back, pacing before her as if he wanted to punch something.

As if he wanted to fight anything.

As if he wanted to cry.

“I’m sorry, Garrus,” she whispered, as she watched him swallow hard.

“Did any of it mean anything to you?” His voice cracked, and it hurt even worse.

She looked away from him. “Garrus, please.”

“Tell me, Mya. Did any of it mean anything to you?”

“No.” She couldn’t look him in the eyes, because if she did, she wouldn’t be able to lie to him. Garrus was always someone to know her, study her, and love her. There was no way in hell she was going to look at him.

Because she couldn’t lie to Garrus.

Because Garrus could always peel away the mask.

Because Garrus could always see the truth.

“Okay,” he whispered.

Then he left, and she broke down sobbing, trying to pull herself together. She screamed and begged for death to claim her because she lost everything that day. Her mind, her heart, and her soul. She screamed and cried for so long the next day, her voice was gone.

Just like…her other half.

There was a small hope when she realized she missed her period a month later. A day before the wedding, she tested herself, wanting the truth to be that she was pregnant, but it was negative. She didn’t miss her period because she was pregnant, she missed it because:

She was just stressed.

“Do you, Myana Shepard, take this man, Kaidan Alenko, as your lawfully wedded husband?”

She looked at him and smiled. “I do.”

***

“Red or blue?” she asks, looking at the colors. Garrus stands behind her, looking down at her hands, and he grabs the blue one.

“Blue.”

She pouts. “Are you serious?” She smiles, showing him the red paint. “Red is better.”

He blinks. “You want… to paint our son’s room red?”

“Yes.” She claps, looking over at the red paint. “Red is a beautiful color.”

“Red means danger, which is scary. Are you seriously going to make our son scared all the time?” He crosses his arms. 

“No, it doesn’t!” She looks at the red and can see what he is talking about. “Okay, yeah red means danger, but red isn’t scary!”

“Yeah, it is.” He chuckles. “So, blue then?”

She frowns. “But I don’t want blue for our baby,” she whines. “That’s too generic.” She starts to cry, and Garrus looks at her, in shock.

“Whoa! Okay, how about purple?”

She gasps in happiness. “Garrus! That’s wonderful. A mix between blue and red.” She motions for him to bend to her level since she can’t jump anymore.

He chuckles, and kisses her lips, bringing her close. “I’m just that amazing." He kisses her again, and pulls back, "Also, blue is amazing and not too generic, how dare you.”

She giggles, and grabs his hands, as they continue to pick out more things for the baby room. “I wonder if we’re moving too fast,” she whispers, rubbing her stomach. “I wonder if we’re being too happy… What if… what if I lose him, like—”

“Mya.” He squeezes her hand. “Remember what the doctor said. No stressing.”

She sighs.

“I know you are scared, and I am scared too, but have hope.” His mandibles twitch. “Our baby is going to be happy and healthy, I promise.”

She knows he can’t promise that. Kaidan promised the same thing, and look how that turned out. She doesn’t want to compare her last pregnancy to this one, but she can’t help it. All she wants is a family, and she lost her little one. Granted, she didn’t want it at first, but as the pregnancy continued she really wanted her son to be born.

Her little Ethan.

Yes, the only family she wants is with Garrus. That doesn’t mean she wanted her baby to die! It must have been a cruel joke to whatever entity is out there, to take her firstborn away from her. Just because she was unsatisfied with her marriage.

Although, she did… cheat on Kaidan, for years beforehand, though.

She also did… want to be pregnant by Garrus, so she had an excuse to leave Kaidan.

Then she did… gets pregnant by Garrus, while still married to Kaidan.

Hell, she has a completely new fucking life with Garrus, and they are just waiting for Kaidan to come home, so she can officially end it with him.

Fuck, she is horrible.

Maybe she doesn’t deserve to be a mother.

“Yes, you do.”

She snaps out of her thoughts and looks at Garrus, who is glaring at her. “Garrus?”

“Mya, you do deserve to be a mother.”

She gasps. Was she thinking aloud?

“You deserve to be happy. You deserve the whole damn universe, for the life you led, and the sacrifices you made for it. If there is anyone to blame, it’s me. I’m the homewrecker.”

She sniffs. “Don’t call yourself that, Garrus.”

“Then don’t _ever_ say you don’t deserve to be a mother.”

She hugs him tightly, and cries in the store, not caring if others notice. “Garrus.” She cries into his chest.

“I know we had a relationship on the side before you were married to Kaidan. I know we created a whole new life, while you are still married. But it doesn’t fucking matter.”

Her heart quickens, as she looks up and into his eyes.

He cups her cheek. “I wish I knew you had the surgery, so we could have started our family earlier. I don’t agree with you using the baby that could have been to get out a relationship with Kaidan, but it doesn’t matter.”

“I’m sorry,” she whispers.

“It’s okay, because, again, it doesn’t matter. Stop letting guilt consume you, Mya,” he whispers, and she inhales. “Just let yourself be happy in doing what you want because we can never go back.”

More tears fall from her eyes. “We can never go back,” she repeats.

“But we can go forward.”

They kiss, and she feels a weight lift off her shoulders, as she sighs happily within his arms.

Once home, Garrus is fixing up the place to start painting, while Mya eats some food good for her and the baby. She starts to picture what she wants to paint, and wonders if her skill is good enough, like before.

Give her a paintbrush, and she can go to town, painting beautiful art. Garrus doesn’t know this of her, because she hasn’t painted in years. It was something she used to do, to let her frustrations out without getting in trouble with her ‘family’ at the time.

“Alright, done,” Garrus said, and she smiles, standing up. “You sure you can paint this?”

She rolls her eyes. “I have you know, I know how to paint, Big Guy.”

He shrugs and kisses her lips. “I need to pick up my mom, you stay safe.”

“I’m always safe.”

“Talking about the little one, because his mother is crazy.”

She almost throws a brush at him, as he runs away laughing. With a small hum, and turning on some music, she begins her journey into her world.

Hours later, she is sitting down, watching a movie on the holoscreen, as Garrus walks inside with a tired look.

“Hey.”

“Hey.” He goes to the fridge. “Did you finish painting?”

She nods. “Kind of, want to see?”

He drinks his soda and walks inside the room. She smiles as he stops drinking, and just stares in shock at the room. Her painting is of the night sky, a shade of mostly purple, but with dark blue, and a hint of red. There are stars and a moon, but most importantly, the Normandy.

“W-what? How…?”

She hugs his waist. “I asked Jack to buy me some more paint, and just couldn’t stop when she offered to help some. Took hours, but I was having so much fun. Still needs to get finished, but you can see the full outcome already.”

He turns to her and brings her close. “I love you.”

She smiles. “I love you too, Big Guy.”

***

“So, eighteen weeks,” Miranda starts. “How is the second trimester treating you?”

“Like a dream.” Mya smiles, picking out some clothes. “I have more energy than ever, and Garrus is treating me like a queen.”

“He always treats you like a queen, though,” Jack points out, and picks up cute onesies.

Mya grins. “You’re right since he’s my king.”

“Are you ready for Kaidan?” Miranda asks, and Mya stops grinning.

“I… am scared, but I have to do it.”

Jack chuckles. “Well shit, yes. You are pregnant. Kind of hard to go back home and be ‘Myana Alenko,’ but with a hurian kid.” She laughs, and Mya pouts.

“That’s not going to happen. Myana Alenko… is never coming back.”

“Good.” Jack gives a thumbs up. “Now, about that baby swing, I couldn’t give back, a year ago.”

“Jack, no.” Miranda glares at her, and the two are once again talking shit to each other. Mya knows they are good friends, and this is just how they act towards each other.

It always makes her giggle when around them, and sometimes she will tease them, by saying they should find a room to finally have sex. This will, of course, piss them off, but it’s too damn funny not to do it.

Right now, they are shopping for small items such as pampers, and toys the baby will need. Jack keeps suggesting that the swing she bought a year and some months ago for Ethan would be perfect for her little one, but the problem is:

Her little one is a hurian, not a human.

“Oh, come on, it would work easy.”

Mya chuckles. “Hurians are known to be smaller than humans at birth, Jack.” She rubs her stomach and feels a kick. “I know, baby. Jack is silly.”

Jack glares. “Did your baby just kick when you called me silly?”

“He kicked after, but I still stand by you being silly.”

Jack huffs, and Miranda smirks.

“I’m glad you agree with me, Myana. Although, I wouldn’t use the term ‘silly.’”

“Of course you wouldn’t, bitch.” Jack glares at her, and they are back at it.

With a roll of her eyes, Mya walks away from the two and makes her way over to check out a hurian carrier made for turians. She giggles, picturing Garrus wearing it, with their son inside.

The baby kicks again, and she smiles.

“I like it too. I’m sure Daddy would love wearing it, with you inside.”

There is a sudden feeling… a dark feeling as if she’s being watched by someone who wants to kill her. After years with the family, in the Alliance, working as a Spectre, and becoming a damn hero of the galaxy, she knows this feeling.

This feeling has saved her, countless times.

Turning around, she sees a dark-skinned woman with brown, hollow eyes standing a few steps behind her. Mya wonders, what if she didn’t notice the killing instinct, would she be dead right now?

“Um, hello?” she asks, looking at the woman with annoyance.

“Are you Mya Shepard?”

Even her voice is hollow and dead, something she has heard herself sound like before.

Mya starts to panic but relaxes. “No, I look like her, but—”

“Yes, you are.” The woman looks down at her stomach, and Mya places her hand protectively above it. “I’ve been watching you, and I know you are with Garrus.”

Mya glares. “What does that have to do with you?”

“Garrus can only be happy with one woman in his life.” She ignores the question. “Mya Shepard. And he isn’t lying. So, you must be her.”

Mya swallows, wondering if she’s going to need to call her friends to help, before this woman, who looks as if she has nothing to live for, tries something. There is a dark feeling of this woman stabbing her in the stomach, killing her and her baby.

This woman has death, directed towards Mya, in her eyes.

This woman has her hand behind her back.

This woman wants to kill her.

Mya is scared.

“Is it real?” She looks at her stomach, and Mya is panicking.

No, no… she can’t lose another one. She won’t lose another one. She mustn’t lose another one. If she loses this baby… she’s going to kill herself. Garrus or no Garrus, she can’t live, losing a second child.

“Get away from me,” she quickly says.

“Is it real?” She narrows her eyes, as she repeats the question, as Mya sees an orange glow from her arm.

_Is that...a fucking omni-blade?! Where the hell did she get that!?_

“Jack! Miri!” she screams.

“It’s real, isn’t it?” She gets closer, and Mya screams.

“Get away from me!”

Her legs won't move! Her legs won't move! She holds her stomach in fear, wishing she could move and fight as she used to, but she can’t because she’s pregnant, and her baby is delicate.

If she gets any closer though, Mya will defend herself. The only problem is that this woman has an omni-blade, which most likely is from the black market, and Mya has what? 

Hurian baby diapers?

“Mya, is everything okay?” Jack and Miranda get to her, and the woman is still standing there but stops moving. Jack glares, standing in front of Mya. “Hey! The fuck you think you’re doing?”

“It’s real,” she cries, “isn’t it?”

“Yes.” Mya swallows. “Of course, it’s real. I am having a son. What more do you want?”

She stands there, visibly shaking, and Mya wonders if the woman is going to lunge at her. She won’t get far, with Miranda and Jack around to warp her ass to the next galaxy.

The woman doesn’t move, though as tears stream down her eyes, Mya suddenly feels bad for her. Her eyes tell a story she doesn’t understand, but it’s close to over.

Her eyes remind her of her own.

The day Garrus found her in the shower.

After her suicide attempt.

“Don’t do it,” Mya whispers. “Whatever you are thinking, don’t do it. There is more to life. Trust me.”

Mya tries to help as if telling her younger self that she shouldn’t do it. That life is hard, but it gets better.

That she shouldn’t make the same mistakes as she once did.

The woman cries harder. “Tell Garrus, Angela says goodbye.” She walks away, and Mya can’t move.

She feels sorry for her, but she’s also scared of her.

Even if that woman had dark, hollow eyes.

She was planning to kill her.

If it wasn’t for Jack and Miranda being here…

She and her baby would have died.

“Who the hell was that?” Miranda whispered.

“Shit! That’s who she is.” Jack gasps, snapping her fingers, and they look at her. “I saw her a year ago with Garrus, looking at baby hurian things. Kind of like what we’re doing here.”

Mya turns back to where the woman walked off.

What the hell did Garrus do?

Sitting on the couch of their living room, Mya thinks about the events of today. A part of her is scared to leave the house, thinking that Angela is still out there, waiting for her to show up alone, and kill her.

The baby kicks. 

"It's okay. It's going to be okay." She whispers, rubbing her stomach.

Time seems to tick by slowly, and it bothers her how long she must wait to confront Garrus of what the hell is going on. Is this one of his subs who he called Mya on her behalf? Was this her fault? It seems a lot of problems are her fault. 

Tears run down her face because she's angry, depressed, and stressed about today. 

"I...I need to distress." She sobs, as her son kicks, and moves inside of her. 

She is angry at Garrus, but she needs him right now to calm her down. There is so much fear inside of her, and she feels paranoid as if Angela is in the house right now, ready to kill her. 

"Garrus come home."

Her legs are shaking, and she jumps at a small sound. 

"It's too quiet." She glares.

Standing up, she goes to the fridge to grab some food for her and the baby. Sitting at the Island, she begins to eat slowly, hoping to calm down her nerves. Time continues to slowly tick by, and she begs internally for Garrus to get home. 

Suddenly, she feels exhausted as if something is sucking away all of her energy. 

"Garrus." She murmurs, feeling so unsafe in what is supposed to be her safe haven.

That woman, Angela. 

Garrus did something to her, and it makes her afraid of what he did.

Did he rape her?

Did he harm her?

Is Garrus dangerous?

Of course not!

So what the hell did he do?

The door finally opens up, and she feels herself glaring at the man she is to call her husband and father of her children. 

“Look what I got?” He pulls out an onesie, “It’s an onesie.” He holds the onesie up, “Look at the saying.”

She continues to glare angrily at him.

“It says ‘Daddy’s little Calibration.’”

He chuckles, before finally reading the room, and begins to look worried from her expression.

"Mya?" 

She clutches the island, feeling all of her emotions at once.

"Who is Angela?"

_What. Did. You. Do?_


	18. I'm Sorry

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Forgiving himself

Garrus feels excited, as he walks inside their home to see his queen standing by the island, looking at him. There looks to be something bothering her, but he believes once she sees the gift one of his students made for them, she will glow.

“Look what I got!” He pulls out the gift. “It’s a onesie.” He holds the onesie up. “Look at the saying.”

He’s so excited that he doesn’t even notice her face looking at him angrily.

“It says ‘Daddy’s Little Calibration.’”

His excitement dies down as he continues to look at Mya. Finally, he takes in how she is looking at him. She’s not just upset; she’s pissed, with eyes red from tears, and full of anger.

“Mya?” He swallows, wondering what happened, and why she is looking at him like that.

“Who’s Angela?”

His heart stops.

_Fuck._

***

Garrus is laying down in their bed, thinking. Mya is downstairs working, or maybe painting. He doesn’t really know. All he knows is that Angela told Mya to say goodbye, and Mya said she sounded as if things were final.

He starts to remember Angela, and wonders if she’s okay. The last they spoke, she sounded depressed, but she had family that would make her happy.

At least that’s what he told himself.

When she learned her baby wasn’t real, he watched the light die in her eyes. He didn’t want to tell her, but he couldn’t lie to her any longer. He just wanted to be honest for once in his miserable life. He wanted to make things right, so she could move on and live her life again.

He had hoped she wasn’t suicidal.

If there is one thing he’s learned, it’s that Angela isn’t okay in the head. The moment she put a gun in her mouth because he told her to kill the baby, was a moment of clarity. It was a moment that he knew he fucked up. Not because he got in bed with a crazy chick, he has done that plenty of times. It’s because he got into bed with her, and got her to play as ‘Mya Shepard,’ fucking with her mind.

He should have ended it, and never fallen for the trap of keeping her with him. He did it with Tali, knowing damn well she could never change his mind about Mya. And then he did it with Angela.

He seriously fucked up.

Holding his omni-tool up, he tries to call someone, wanting to ask how she’s doing, but he doesn’t. Instead, he continues to lay down, feeling the guilt of what he did suffocate him. Angela isn’t a bad person. She deserves to be happy.

Just not with him.

After Angela, he told himself he would change, and then he reconnected with Mya, which pushed him even more to work on changing. Judging from the months after his vacation, he really did change.

James told him he did, his family told him he did, Kelly told him he’s changed, and Mya.

His other half, his queen, she also told him he’s changed, and it truly made him happy to know he’s not who he was a year ago.

It’s been an hour, and he still hasn’t gotten word about her. Now he’s starting to worry about what happened to Angela. He wants to stop by her home but tells himself it’s inappropriate. It’s odd; he knows he doesn’t like her; knows he doesn’t view her in that way.

However, right now, it dawns on him how much he cares about her.

He starts to remember her laughing and smiling at his horrible jokes. The way she would tell him he looked handsome, even though he really didn’t. She would do all these things for him, cook, clean, have sex with him. She told him, screamed at him, that she did.

But he didn’t care then.

Suddenly, he has a feeling that he’s lost something, and it’s scaring the hell out of him not knowing what is going on. Her hollow eyes plague his mind, reminding him of Mya on the shower floor, giggling, and telling him that she was worthless.

It’s why he keeps waiting, not thinking of Mya dying, but of Angela dying. Killing herself, because he rejected her. He starts to remember telling her he doesn’t want a kid with her, and to make matters worse…

He told her the kid wasn’t even real.

Fuck, he feels guilty.

He can feel the massive headache, as he does the mental exercises that Kelly taught him to do when he first started speaking to her. But he can’t, because all he can think about is Angela. Is she okay? What is she doing? Did she do anything to help herself? Can he tell her ‘I’m sorry’ like he did Tali?

Tali.

The name causes him to feel the guilt from that relationship. Using her wasn’t supposed to happen; he wasn’t supposed to use her. He should have ended it and moved on with life since she would have, too.

Instead, he used her, and hoped she could replace something he knew deep down, she couldn’t possibly. He sighs, running his hand over his fringe in frustration because he is tired of feeling guilty for other people.

What about him?

What about his feelings?

What about his problems?

Another hour goes by, and finally, he gets confirmation on what happened from Angela’s mother.

“I’m so sorry,” he whispers.

She cries. “It’s okay, Garrus. I should have pushed her to seek help.” She whimpers. “I should… have held her tight and told her to move on.”

“You don’t blame me?”

“No, not anymore. What Angela did… it was her choice. Blaming you won’t bring her back, or make the choice go away.” She sniffs. “I do wish you’d never met her.”

He swallows, covering his eyes, and sinking into his own mental abyss.

“But I don’t think that would have mattered. Angela…” She inhaled. “Angela had problems beyond you, Garrus.”

“I should have stayed away… I just didn’t know how to control myself before. I—I’m trying to change that.”

“That’s good. You keep changing.”

There is a pause, and Garrus wonders if she’s going to hang up.

“I heard what she did. I read what she did.”

“Read?”

“Yes, she had a journal, writing about getting the natural biology surgery so she could be with you.” She sighs. “I knew about it, but I didn’t stop her from doing what she did.”

“It’s… okay.”

“That’s the thing, Garrus, It’s not.”

Garrus looks out the window, viewing the sky, and seeing how beautiful it looks.

“I forgive you, Garrus,” she whispers, “I hope you can forgive yourself.”

She hangs up after that line, and he drowns deeper into his depression, because, no, he can’t forgive himself.

He’s the reason she died.

The pounding in his head feels like a damn nuke is about to explode. There is a crushing weight on his mind and body.

He feels out of control!

He wants to run, and scream. He wants to go back in time and change everything now. Take everything back that he’s done and try to fix the future! He wants to go back! Let him go back!

He can’t go back.

More crushing weight on his mind and body, and now he can feel himself wanting to throw himself out the wind—

“Garrus.”

He turns to Mya, and she looks at him with sad eyes. He doesn’t want her to stress out.

“It’s okay.”

“No, it’s not. I shouldn’t have… I…” He swallows, feeling himself falling in despair.

Mya straddles his lap on the bed and takes his hand to lay on her stomach. If there is one thing that can make him happy, it’s their son growing safely inside of her. He whimpers, and leans up, pulling her into a hug.

He starts to cry against her chest, as she lightly runs her hands against his fringe.

There are no tears as he cries because he failed. The only time he ever cried like this was when Mya left him at the hotel years ago after they broke up. He tried… so hard not to let it get to him, but it hurt.

Angela killed herself because of him.

All this guilt and blame he is feeling because all he can think about is what he could have done to stop it from happening. He feels angry she fucking did it! He feels upset it happened to be because of him! He feels depressed because this isn’t what he wants.

He knows he fucked up!

He knows he shouldn’t have done the things he did with her.

It’s unfair! He’s finally getting back on track with everything in his life, after losing so much, and this happens?

What the fuck?

He hates her! He hates her! He hates her! He fucking deserves to be happy! How dare she kills herself, and blame him? He put so much time and effort into helping her recover. Maybe he should have fucking lied and kept the truth of it not being real away from her.

Maybe he should have let her kill herself then!

He ‘cries’ harder, because this isn’t what he wants. All he ever wanted was Mya and a family. That’s it, and he’s going to get it, but not without having to deal with the guilt of another person… killing themselves, because of him.

“Garrus.”

He pulls his head away from her chest and sees Mya crying. “I’m sorry. Please don’t cry, Mya.” He wipes her tears, not wanting her to stress.

She kisses his mouth, and he holds her close. Mya brushes his mandibles. “Then you don’t cry, Garrus.”

He goes to look away, but she pulls him back.

“Stop blaming yourself.”

“How can I stop, Mya?” He looks into her eyes. “She killed herself because of me.”

“You should never blame yourself for another’s decision.” She frowns. “Don’t ever blame yourself for what she did. All it will ever do is make you suffer.”

She holds his face, forcing him to look at her. “She wanted you to suffer, don’t let her win.” She sobs.

He whimpers some more. “I could have done… something.”

“Like what? Be with her?”

His eyes grow wide.

“Live a life full of lies? Cheat on her with me? Eventually get so broken, that you can’t even look at her anymore?” She glares at him. “Be so full of resentment you wish death upon her?” she shouts.

“No.” He shakes his head.

She sobs, and he holds her tightly, wondering how to react now. She pulls away, and kisses his mouth multiple times, before staring into his eyes.

“Don’t let her win, Garrus. She has no right,” she cries. “You want to know why I tried to commit suicide? It wasn’t just because I lived a hard life, and it wasn’t just because I felt worthless.” She angrily wipes her tears. “I wanted to kill myself because I wanted to fucking hurt Kaidan.”

Garrus stares at her in shock.

“I wanted Kaidan to feel exactly how you are feeling right now. Horizon was hard, Garrus. Horizon showed me that I died, and I was never coming back. Kaidan broke what little confidence I had left in me that I was still Commander Shepard.”

“Mya.”

She shakes her head. “I wanted him to suffer. I wanted to guilt-trip him for saying and doing what he did to me. I wanted him to hate himself so fucking much that he would kill himself. She cries, “I was trying to manipulate him, Garrus. And she’s fucking doing that to you!”

She stands up and starts to pace. He gets out of bed and pulls her into his arms because he doesn’t want her to stress. She’s pregnant with a hurian; she needs to stay stress-free.

“You can feel bad for her. You can wish that she had chosen life over death, but don’t you fucking dare!” she screams, pounding on his chest. “Don’t you fucking dare let her guilt-trip you, Garrus.”

She pushes away from him, and sobs, pacing once again.

“Mya, calm down.” He whimpers. “Please, please, calm down Mya.” He goes to pull her back into his arms.

She cries, “Don’t!” She glares at him.

He pulls her in any way, and she cries on his chest, holding his shirt tightly, as he holds her close.

“We are going to get married, and… and… and we're going to have our… first baby.” She cries. “We're going to have a… big fucking… family in this b-big fucking house!” She sobs. “You promised!”

He holds her tight. “Of course, Mya. I won’t break my promise to you.”

“She’s not going to take our happiness away,” she sobs. “She’s not going to take you away from me!”

He grabs her face, forcing her to look at him. “She will never take me away from you.” He kisses her lips, as she sniffs. “You are my other half and will always be number one.”

“You promise?” she whimpers. “Because we fuck up all the time, Garrus. We’re not perfect.” She sniffs. “But we deserve happiness, we deserve what we want.”

He nods. “I promise you, Mya. I promise.”

He kisses her hard, as she continues to cry, and he pushes himself to relax, allowing himself not to feel guilt over Angela’s choice.

He’s sorry, he is so fucking sorry, for the things he did. He really wishes to go back and rewrite their history. Wishes Angela had chosen to have support, to move on, and be happy. Her mother was harsh to him, but she loved her daughter. Why even waste her time pining for him? He’s not worth losing her life over.

So, as he promised Mya…

He’s not going to let guilt take him away.

***

Drinking at the bar, Garrus watches the game on the holoscreen, as people talk and cheer amongst themselves. He just came back from the funeral, which was emotional, but to his surprise, not everyone hated him. Angela’s mother cried and told him again it wasn’t his fault. That she should have seen the signs and got Angela the help she needed.

She cried on him, and he comforted her, still saying he was sorry. He still blames himself, even if Mya told him not to. Maybe not to the extent Angela wanted him to feel, but only for what he could have controlled.

Angela’s brother, Marcus, tried to fight him, but Garrus wasn’t going to let him lay a hand on him. Not that he hit Marcus; he just dodged any attack from him, until he broke down crying. Her other family members said they didn’t trust him or didn’t like him here, but they didn’t place huge blame on him.

He said he was sorry, made his peace as the coffin lowered into the ground, and walked away.

Now he’s drinking, and just taking in everything that happened. A hand touches his shoulder, and he turns to see James there with a smile on his face.

“Hey, man.” He takes a seat and orders himself a drink. “How are you?”

He sighs. “Well, could be better.”

“How’s Lola?” He takes his shot and looks at him.

“Mya is home resting, she already packed for next week.” He drinks, remembering Kaidan. “I’m going with her. I want to make sure she’s going to be okay.”

James nods. “The last thing we need is her losing her shit on Kaidan.” He hums. “Is the baby okay?”

Garrus chuckles. “He looks to want to sprint out of her womb. Always moving, that one.” He takes out his omni-tool and shows the pictures. “His heart is strong, and he’s progressing great.”

“That’s good news!” James grins. “Don’t let things bring you down. A life is gone, but soon there will be a new one.”

Garrus nods. “I am happy about my son.” He drinks and sighs. “Just wish she would have lived her life and forgotten about me.” He looks down. “I really wasn’t worth it.”

James hums. “No, but her killing herself wasn’t just about you, Garrus.”

Garrus looks at him.

“She was clearly hurting about a lot of things. Yes, she wanted to send a message to you, but you shouldn’t let it take you down.”

Garrus chuckles sadly. “I’m not. I promised Mya I wouldn’t let her suck the joy from my life.” He narrows his eyes. “I finally have my other half, we're going to get married, and start a new life together.”

He thinks about Mya, wondering if she is home, sleeping, or cleaning. Maybe she is eating or taking a nice bath. He hopes she is not crying and feeling depressed or stressing.

“So wrong.”

He snaps out of his thoughts and looks at James.

“Like, I feel bad for her, but man. Killing yourself seems so… tragic.” James looks at him. “I lost men and women on my team. We lost so much from the war, and I still can’t get my mind around suicide.”

Garrus sighs. “Sometimes life can trick you into believing it’s the only way to end the suffering.” He orders another drink. “Angela was suffering, and I couldn’t do anything for her. I tried, but I just couldn’t. She needed a professional.”

“But she never went to one.”

“No, I don’t think she did.” He drinks. “Now, she’s dead. I can’t allow myself to feel this great depression for her, because I am happy about my life.”

“Would you have done it?” James bites his lip. “If Lola never left Kaidan, would you have done it?”

Garrus swallows, thinking about the question. Maybe in another timeline, where he never got Mya back. Then she would have felt immense guilt, to the point she might have killed herself, and that’s not what he wants for Mya, in any universe.

If he were going to kill himself, it wouldn’t be because of Mya. It would be because he just didn’t have anything left in life to live for. Maybe he could have fallen in love with someone else, but who knows. He’s not living that lifetime.

Maybe he could have explored that little timeline of being with Ashley.

Maybe he could have been happy with Tali.

Maybe he and Angela could have had kids together and married.

He doesn’t know.

He isn’t living any of those timelines, and he doesn’t really give a crap about them. Right now, he’s with Mya, and they are having a family together.

That’s what matters.

He made some stupid mistakes, and he said he was sorry. There isn’t much else he can do, but move the fuck on, and live his life. If more people, including himself, did that, there wouldn’t be so much tragedy.

Maybe he’s being harsh, but he’s getting sick and tired of feeling fucking sorry for other people’s shit. The only people he cares about are his family and his friends.

Would he have done it?

Would he have killed himself if Mya wasn’t with him, as Angela did?

He doesn’t know.

He doesn’t care.

Walking inside their home, he makes his way upstairs to their room, and his mandibles twitch in happiness, at seeing his queen sleeping in their royal chambers. Her hair is a mess, she’s drooling, and because of her stomach, she’s laying on her side.

The best part is that she’s naked.

Taking his clothes off, he joins her on the bed, and rubs her stomach, causing her to wake up, panicking.

“Fuck, Garrus. You scared the shit out of me.” She turns with a grunt, smiling at him. “Hey, honey.”

“Hey. How are you?” He kisses her lips, and she giggles.

“I’m fine. Just got to sleep.” She looks at the clock. “Like six hours ago.” She laughs. “Twenty-five weeks and I am losing all the energy from my second trimester.”

He chuckles, as she rubs her naked stomach, and he gasps at seeing his son actively punch at her stomach, creating a tiny bump. Touching it for a moment, the hand pulls back almost scared, and it makes him sad for a moment, before feeling his son’s punch at his hand again.

“The third trimester is coming, and I’m not ready.” She giggles, watching him play high-three with his son.

He chuckles. “I think you are.”

He stops playing with his moving son, and pulls her close into his chest, as she snuggles into him.

“What if—”

“No.”

She sighs heavily, and he rubs her ass, causing her to giggle.

“We’re going to have a healthy baby boy, who is going to be the most active little boy I’ve ever seen.” He laughs, feeling his son kick or punch him.

Mya grins. “You’re not wrong, seeing how you were super active as a toddler.” She giggles. “I’ve seen the vids. ‘I am the one and only Garrus Vakarian, hear my name!’” she mocks.

“Damn it, mom.” He curses under his breath, before laughing, and kissing her lips.

He starts to relive his childhood memories, and really relish how innocent he was back then. Pulling away, he watches as she starts to think. “Thinking of next week?”

She looks at him. “Yeah.”

“I’m going to be right there with you.” He kisses her. “Okay?”

She nods and smiles. “Okay.” Kisses his mouth.

He cuddles into bed with her and closes his eyes before feeling her wiggling in his arms. At first, he thought she is just adjusting herself, but he feels her touching his face. So, opening his eyes, he looks at her, wondering what’s wrong.

“How do you feel? After everything.” She whispers.

He swallows, “It’s still a hard pill to swallow. I still feel upset, angry, and sad she did it. James gave me a question about reliving somethings.”

“Like what?”

“If I would have killed myself.”

She frowns.

“I know…but I wonder if I would.” He sighs, “it sounds so wrong and morbid, but I really didn’t have much to live for. Before Angela, I was falling into a dark hole, waiting for that moment I would just die.”

Mya sniffs, pulling him close, and he kisses her lips.

“Don’t get upset, okay? I know it’s dark and hard to hear, but what I’m saying is true. I don’t wish to make you feel guilt. I just-”

“It’s okay, Garrus.” She gives him a small smile, “You can talk to me about anything. If you feel suicidal, talk to me, talk to Kelly of course, but you can talk to me. I will always be here for you.”

“I know.” He whispers, moving some hair from her face.

She sighs, “It’s scary. Wanting to kill oneself. As if there is a voice in you, telling you that you are worthless, and no one cares about you. You are alone, and the only way to stop the suffering is to kill oneself.” She whispers.

He nods, feeling emotional in her arms. It’s not long before he’s crying again in her arms. The questions of why, and what if’s plague his mind constantly. He wonders when will the pain of the loss go away. When will he forgive himself?

While whimpering, he thinks of the future with Mya and their big family. Happy and together.

Then he feels his song move a little, and he cries harder. Mya rubs his fringe, allowing him to let go of the emotions raking his body. No point in holding it in when he could just express himself freely with her.

“I…I’m sorry.”

For what? He doesn’t know. He just feels sorry. Maybe it’s for Angela? Maybe it’s because he’s crying? Maybe it’s because he’s scared, she would disappear?

He doesn’t know.

He just is.

“Shh, it’s okay, Garrus.” She lightly cries, “Let it all out.”

After some time, he’s laying on his back, looking up into the ceiling. A piece of him feels less manly for crying on his lover. A turian, crying? How pathetic.

Yet, he did, and it feels okay.

When Mya is by his side.

“I love you, Garrus.” She whispers, snuggling up to him.

“I love you too, Mya.” He rubs her back softly, thinking about their future.

It doesn’t look dark and depressing as his mind made him believe for a moment.

If anything.

It looks good.

***

Garrus is rubbing Mya’s back, as they watch a movie on the holoscreen quietly in their living room. He cringes a little when someone is decapitated, and his mind reverts to the Reaper war. Suddenly, there is a scream and sob.

Mya clicks to something else with a frown on her face, and he thanks her silently for it. He didn’t expect it to be so… graphic.

“Okay, let’s not trigger our PTSD, shall we?” Mya laughs lightly, and he chuckles.

The doorbell rings and Mya stand with a grunt. “Are you expecting anyone?” Rubbing her stomach, she waddles over to the door.

Garrus leans back against the couch. “No.”

He waits patiently as the show on the screen is paused, and watches as Mya asks who it is. When she gasps, he strains his neck to see who is at the door.

“Tali! What are you doing here?”

Hearing Tali’s name, he stands up quickly, trying to find somewhere to hide.

Why?

Because he still feels bad for what happened and hopes she doesn’t hate Mya for his idiotic decisions.

“Come in.” She hits the buzzer and turns around with a face full of happiness. “Can you believe it? Tali is here.”

He nods and goes to leave upstairs when she whines. Turning around, he sees that she is sad that he’s leaving, and he sighs.

“Mya, Tali hates me. I just want to have her here for you, with no judgment against me.”

She rubs her stomach. “He doesn’t want you to go.”

He almost laughs at her pouting at him, but he can’t resist her charms and nods. Nervously, he sits down and waits for Tali to walk through the door. There is an immense amount of guilt, and he starts panicking.

“It’s going to be okay, Garrus.” Mya smiles, and he nods.

Tali walks inside and smiles at them both.

Mya claps. “Tali! I’m so happy to see you.” She grins and walks over to hug her tightly.

Tali giggles. “Thank you, Shepard.” She gasps. “Or should I say, Vakarian?”

“Please, everyone is calling me Mya now.” She smiles. “Also, we’re not married yet. I’m waiting for Kaidan to come back from his mission, so we can get a divorce.” Taking Tali’s arm, she brings her to their island.

Garrus watches as they talk and feels himself thinking of Angela. If he never came into Angela’s life, would she still be alive right now? If he wasn’t so obsessed with Mya, and never used women as he did, would she be alive right now?

His entire body starts to hurt, feeling the mental and physical pain of causing someone to—

“Garrus.” Mya glares at him. “You promised.”

_Of course, you can tell what I am thinking about._

“I’m sorry, Mya.”

She sighs. “I don’t want to be hard on you, but I hate seeing that look in your eyes.” She looks down. “I know that look all too well, and it’s just… I want you to know that you have a family, Garrus.”

She takes his hand, placing it on her stomach.

“We need you here.”

He feels a kick, and his heart almost jumps from his chest.

“Garrus.” Tali smiles. “Congratulations, by the way.”

He looks at Tali, “I’m sorry, Tali, for everything I have done to you. You deserve so much better than what I did to you, and I am truly sorry.”

Tali smiles, walking over to him. When she is in front of him, he stiffens, expecting her to hit him or something, for what he did to her in the past. Her hand reaches for him, and he can’t stop his reflexes from closing his eyes.

Until he feels her hugging him.

“It’s okay, Garrus.” She smiles up at him. “I forgive you.”

Pulling away, they turn to see Mya clapping.

“I’m so happy! I could… I could…” She starts to cry, and Tali looks at her in shock.

Garrus chuckles, holding Mya tightly, and rubbing her back.

“S-sorry Tali. I’m twenty… eight weeks… and I can’t stop being emotional.” She hiccups.

He chuckles. “Still throwing up as well, and she’s become a horrible sleeper. Spirits, I’ve had to move myself to the living room a few times.” He shrugs. “Doesn’t matter though, seeing how she’ll follow me anywhere I go.”

“Garrus!” She playfully hits his chest, and they all laugh.

After two hours of talking back and forth and telling Tali of their plans for a very small bonding ceremony/wedding, Tali calls it a night and heads to the door.

“We can set up a place for you to stay.”

She giggles. “That’s okay. I have someone waiting at a hotel for me.” She winks.

Mya grins. “Okay.” She hugs her again. “Tali, I’m so happy you came by. I was so sad, thinking I would never see you again.”

Tali nods. “I know. Liara was telling me about that. It’s why I came here with my boyfriend because I wanted to say that I miss you, Mya.” She looks at Garrus, seeing his face. “I miss you too, Garrus.”

Hearing her say that, he quickly pulls her into a hug. He can feel the pressure of guilt leave his body, as she hugs him back. There are no words, as he whimpers a little for hurting her.

For using her.

For getting mad at her, because she didn’t give him what he wanted.

For betraying her.

And for cheating on her with Mya in the past.

“Thank you.” He pulls back, feeling the guilt of Angela’s death leaving his body. “Thank you.”

Tali smiles, wiping a tear from her face. “Of course, Garrus. I know you did me wrong in the past, but I can see so much change in you now.”

Mya hugs his waist, and he nods.

“Thanks. I’ve been working really hard to be a better person.”

Tali chuckles. “Yeah, you have, and I’m proud of you.” She takes his hand. “I heard what happened… with that girl.”

He looks down in shame.

“But don’t let it take away your happiness.” She smiles. “You can’t take back what she did to herself, or what you did to her. All you can do is forgive yourself.”

She leaves after a few more words, and Garrus slips into bed with Mya. Instantly, she’s snoring on her side, and his hand rubs her stomach, feeling the kick of their son.

“Forgive myself, huh?” he whispers, and there is another kick.

Sensing his son has finally fallen asleep, Garrus closes his eyes, feeling the spirit of guilt for Angela leave his body.

Forgiving himself.


	19. New Life

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> She’s gonna kick his ass

Arriving on Earth, Mya can tell Garrus feels nervous. It’s funny because it’s not his marriage that’s ending. But at least she knows she’s going to be free, once they leave Earth, and they are going to be… something.

“Fuck, I’m nervous.” She covers her mouth, runs to the nearest trashcan, and throws up.

He rubs her back as she empties her stomach.

“Ugh… there goes lunch.”

“We can get some more after.” He nods at the house, and she inhales sharply.

With confidence, she walks towards the door. Once they get close enough, the door opens, and Garrus is in shock to see Jazmine, Kaidan’s lover with a small smile on her face. Already, Mya feels happy for them.

“Hi, Jazmine.” She smiles.

“Hey, Mya. Kaidan is out for a bit and will be home in ten minutes.”

Mya nods, and Jazmine lets them inside the house. Mya smiles, and makes her way towards the couch, while Garrus just looks confused about everything. She giggles at his expression because she understands the shock. When Kaidan told her about Jazmine, she wasn’t surprised they became lovers.

Jazmine comes with some tea and places it on the table. “Heard you like tea.” She looks at Garrus. “It's okay for turians to drink it as well. I made sure to check.”

“Thank you.” Mya nods, pouring herself some, and drinking. “Oh! Ginger. My favorite.”

Jazmine nods. “So, are you—”

“Pregnant? Yes.” Mya smiles. “Big Guy here is the father.” She rubs her stomach softly, and he looks happy that she is admitting it. She holds his hand, and he instantly calms down.

_No reason to panic, Garrus. I promised you I would not hide anymore._

“Well, congratulations!” Jazmine grins. “We’re trying, but not successful yet.”

Garrus’s eyes go wide, and Mya wants to laugh, but she only squeezes his hand. He gives her a look, and she smiles softly at him.

_Maybe I should have told him, but I was so nervous about this day, and he has been busy._

She gives him a sorry look, and he nods, going for the tea himself. “I hope you get pregnant soon. Hell, you might be pregnant now, so be wary.” Mya chuckles. “It will creep on you unexpectedly. The big sign is light bleeding, and soon aches and pains.”

She giggles and starts to picture Jazmine pregnant. There is hope that she and Kaidan will have their family, something she sure couldn’t give to him. Looking at Jazmine, Mya can tell she loves Kaidan, and it makes her happier for them.

“Oh, yes! I’ve been on the lookout for it, but no, I am on my period right now.” She smiles sadly. “But we only just recently started trying.”

Mya nods. “I understand, me and Garrus took about six months before I got pregnant.”

From what the doctor said, she’s only assuming it took them that long. There is a moment of fear of telling her this because it would indicate how long this affair has been going on, but she doesn’t care. The deed is already done, and Kaidan already knows about it.

It’s time to move on and look to the future.

“Six? How far along are you?” She looks up in surprise.

“I’m twenty-seven weeks.” She smiles. “He’s almost due.”

Jazmine looks surprised, “That means you’ve been trying for the whole year Kaidan’s been…”

Mya frowns. “Yes, I’m not going to beat around the bush. This isn’t the first time I’ve cheated on Kaidan.”

She feels her son move around inside her body, and she lightly rubs her stomach to calm him down. Already her baby is trying to help mommy feel better, and she does.

“Well, no need to hide anymore, Mya,” Kaidan says, walking inside.

Jazmine smiles and kisses him lightly.

“So, you ready?”

Mya smiles. “I’m ready.” Standing up, she gives him her hand. “But first, I want to say, I’m sorry, Kaidan. For cheating, for lying, and for letting this last as long as it did.” She looks at, Garrus, then back at him. “Just know I did love you, but after I died…”

“Everything changed.” He nods. “I might not have been cheating on you physically, but I was cheating on you emotionally. You were never the first I would go to whenever I was feeling down.”

“I know.” She smiles.

There had to be someone else he was talking to, but she never cared, or looked into the big picture. There is no way around how she acted in the relationship. Even when she was telling herself that she was being a good wife…

She never was.

Thinking back, she never really was there for Kaidan, and when their baby died… it was even worse.

But she’s glad he had someone there for him.

Just like she had Garrus there for her.

“I’m sorry, Mya. For lying, for being in denial of mine and your feelings. For hurting you on Horizon.” He smiles softly at her.

“I forgive you.”

“I forgive you, as well.” He looks at her stomach. “Congratulations. I hope you have a successful pregnancy.”

She rubs her stomach. “Thank you, Kaidan.” She feels obsessed with rubbing her stomach, but her little guy is moving so much that she can’t help it.

For the next hour, as they wait for the lawyers, Mya listens and talks about their relationship. Things weren’t so peachy-clean. There is sadness and pain. There is still tension, pain, and hurt feelings.

However, guilt isn’t holding anyone back anymore.

They are all free to live their lives.

***

Mya smiles, as she walks out of the courthouse, seeing Garrus waiting by the rental car for her, and she waves towards him. He waves back and looks behind her, where she receives a tap on her shoulder.

Turning around, she sees Kaidan and Jazmine.

“Hi.” She smiles. “So, this is it. You guys can finally become Mr. and Mrs. Alenko.”

Jazmine nods. “Yes, it was nice to see you again, Mya.” She squeezes Kaidan’s hand. “I’ll meet you by the car.”

He nods with a smile. “Of course.”

Once she leaves, he turns to Mya, and they have a moment of silence before she reaches out and hugs him. It has been a week since they said sorry to each other, and now they have officially ended their marriage.

It’s nice, letting go of something that they have been holding onto for far too long. Although, it still hurts. This is the day their marriage ends, and it’s not all sunshine and rainbows. She really does love this man and thinks of him as an amazing person.

She just isn’t in love with him.

“I still love you, Kaidan,” she whispers in the hug. “I still think you are amazing, and that you deserve a great life.” She pulls back and sees a smile on his face.

“Thank you, Mya.”

They make eye contact, and he grabs her hand, squeezing.

“I still love you, too. Even though we’re not meant to be, I still love you.”

She wipes a tear from her eyes. “I promised myself I wouldn’t cry, but...” She sniffs, “Ending this is still heartbreaking.”

He nods, and she could see him holding back tears, but he isn't completely successful and a single tear drops from his eye. He quickly wipes it away and tries not to look at her, but she squeezes his hand to reassure him.

“Hey, we had some good times.”

She laughs. “We did.” Her son kicks, and she giggles, rubbing her stomach. “We really did.”

“I pray for you to have a healthy baby.” He smiles. “Got any names yet?”

She giggles. “We’re still thinking about it.”

He nods and looks behind her. She turns to see Garrus is still leaning on the rental car, waiting for her.

“Hey! Treat her right!” Kaidan yells out, and Garrus laughs.

“Of course!”

Mya smiles. “I have to go. The last thing I want is to give birth on the ship ride back to our home.”

He laughs, and she leans over, giving him a small kiss on the cheek.

“Goodbye, Kaidan.”

He nods. “Goodbye, Mya.”

As she walks away, he calls out to her.

“Think… in the future, we could be friends? Maybe not as close, but…”

She nods, smiling brightly. “I believe so.”

Sitting in the car, she hums a song as she rubs her stomach, feeling her little one kicking her. There is nothing more enjoyable than her son kicking her, each time she sings his song. Her thoughts change to Ethan, and she wonders about a different timeline, where he’s alive and well.

Taking a deep breath, she turns to see Garrus watching the road, and smiles. Reaching over, she touches his mandibles, and he turns to her for a moment, before going back to the sky road.

“Everything okay?”

She nods. “I was just thinking of Ethan.” She turns to the window. “I wonder how he would have reacted to having a baby brother.” She inhales. “You think we could stop by the gravesite?”

He nods. “Tell me where to go.”

She directs him to the graveyard, and they make their way towards his headstone. She doesn’t have flowers, but she lightly brushes his headstone and closes her eyes. Singing, she feels the tears run down her face but never stops.

In her mind, he is saying thank you, in his toddler words, and is feeling her stomach, wanting to touch his baby brother. There are more kicks, and she smiles, rubbing her stomach softly.

“Goodbye, Ethan. Mommy loves you.” She sniffs, and Garrus wraps his arms around her, as she cries.

***

Her heart is pounding out of her chest, her hands are sweating, and she feels extremely nauseous.

Actually…

She runs to the nearest garbage can and throws up anything and everything. The door to the room opens, and Jack and Miranda walk inside with their dresses on, looking at her in shock.

“Is everything okay?” Jack asks, rubbing her back.

“Maybe we should cancel until the baby is born?” Miranda crosses her arms and frowns.

Mya shakes her head. “No, I-I want to do this.” She walks over to her bag and begins to clean her mouth.

“I don’t know, Mya.”

She smiles. “It's okay.” Spitting out the mouthwash, she says, “I can assure you; I am fine. Just nervous as hell.”

Jack chuckles. “Why? Isn’t he the man of your dreams?” she says in a singsong way, laughing at Mya’s pouting face.

“Yes, he is, but...” She looks down, feeling the pressure, wondering if it’s her son or her fear.

“Mya?”

She looks up at them.

“What if this whole thing fails? I mean, my first marriage failed… what if me and Garrus aren’t meant to be, and everything comes crashing down, like me and Kaidan?” she cries. “What if—”

“Oh, shut up!” Jack glares at her. “Don’t even start with that shit, Mya.”

“I agree with Jack.” Miranda holds her shoulders. “I know the divorce was recent, and you are having small doubts.”

“But if there is one thing for sure; you and Garrus are meant to be.” Jack grins. “I mean, shit! You guys have been starving for each other for years! Like, almost eight years!” She almost screams.

Mya smiles, rubbing her stomach, and wipes her tears away, thinking about Garrus. For so long, she has wanted to be with him. He’s the person she would fantasize about daily, and the only person she would want.

She is terrified.

Scared everything will blow up in her face, because she doesn’t deserve anything but suffering, for what she has done.

However, that’s her guilt talking, and after so long with being around Garrus, she’s learning every day to shut it up. How to stop listening to the guilt demon trying to ruin her damn life. For too long she has listened to it, thinking that her life needs to cater to others, just so she can be accepted.

It’s time to stop suffering and take the mask off. Begin her new life as Myana Vakarian and give birth to her son.

She smiles brightly at the two, who are bickering about something, and walks over to them, hugging them tightly. They grow still, and silent for a moment, before hugging her back with smiles on their faces.

“You both are so special to me.” She sniffs. “You guys are like sisters to me, and I really appreciate that. Honestly.”

“Of course, Shep—Mya.” Miranda rubs her back. “After all you have done for me. It’s nice to call you my family.”

Jack chuckles. “Shit, I hate when you make me feel so emotional.” She sniffs. “I fucking hate you both.”

They laugh, and Mya gasps at her son kicking her again.

“Honestly, he just loves to kick me.” She groans, and the three of them watch as Mya’s stomach looks as if her son is trying to punch his way out of her.

“See, this is why I don’t ever want kids.” Jack shakes her head. “That alien wants out.” She laughs, and Mya pouts.

“Oh, shut up, Jack.” She rubs her stomach. “He’s just nervous because I keep making him scared.” She giggles.

There is a knock, and Miranda answers.

“Yes, she’s coming. Just having a small, morning sickness moment.”

Mya smiles at the two, as they leave her, and she readies herself to walk to the altar. Touching up her make-up, she looks into the mirror, staring into her eyes. A smile appears on her face, because after so long of looking back at hollow eyes…

Her eyes are full of life.

“Okay, Mya. Let’s get married.” She chuckles. “Again.”

She blinks and listens as her soon-to-be father-in-law speaks in his language. Garrus’ immediate family is there, listening intently, while her family, which are from the Normandy days of the SR-1, and SR-2, sits patiently.

Her eyes stare into Garrus’, and she can’t help but smile, feeling so much joy in this moment. He wanted to wait until the baby was born, but honestly, she wants to marry him now, or in turian terms, she wants to bond with him now.

“Myana, may you please paint the clan’s markings onto your bondmate?” Garrus’ father says, giving her a brush, and some blue ink.

Garrus bends to her level, and she smiles, beginning to paint his face with the markings.

_Please do not fuck up._

She draws the lines nicely crosses his right side. He turns to the right, giving her access to his left.

_Please do not fuck up._

She takes a deep breath, and steadies her hands, as she continues to finish the left side of his face.

_You’ve practiced this countless times, Mya!_

Her hands tremble a bit at the final additions, but she does it.

She’s painted the Vakarian clan markings on Garrus’s face.

“Garrus, may you please paint the clan’s markings onto your bondmate?”

Garrus nods, taking the brush from her, and for a small moment…

Their hands' touch.

There is this electric spark, and she smiles at him, knowing he is truly her other half.

He holds her chin and expertly places the clan markings on her face, and she tries not to cry because she’s going to be a part of his family.

Forever and always.

He gives the brush back to his father, who places it behind him, and continues to speak in their language.

Their hands are together, entwined under the altar, and she can’t stop smiling. She’s smiling so damn much; it’s hurting her face.

But she’s so goddamn happy!

“May your bond be forever lasting. May your bond continue through the ages. May your bond bring forth new life.”

He nods at them both, as his mandibles twitch.

“It’s time to join together, as one.”

Their eyes meet, and Garrus starts leaning down, to have their heads meet. Not wanting him to be the only one doing all the work, Mya goes on her tippy toes to meet him halfway.

They both chuckle.

As their heads touch.

***

Mya is painting their son’s room. It’s still not complete, but she’s hoping it would be finished before the baby is born. With a hum, she swipes there and swipes there. Each time adding a bit more life to the painting.

The reason she is painting such a thing for him is that she wants him to see the galaxy she saved, even when home. She always loved the stars at night when she was smaller. Sneaking her way across a few lines just to get a better sight away from all the fog and smoke of the place she lived.

The door opens, and Garrus walks inside, drinking some water, or maybe it’s something else. She’s not entirely sure.

“Still painting I see.” He chuckles, looking around the room. “Need help?”

She smiles, “No, it’s okay. Keeps me in this nice spot in my head. It’s therapeutic and, not to be rude, but you would ruin that, Big Guy.”

“Damn, my own wife shaming me for my artistic skills.” He laughs, "I have you know, I draw an amazing stick figure."

Mya burst out laughing at the stick figures remark, but then stop and smile at hearing him call her wife.

He takes a seat, and she continues to paint, zoning out, but making sure she can communicate with him. Being Garrus’s wife is just as she pictured, the same as being his girlfriend, or even his secret.

Nothing has changed, and she’s happy about that. There was a small fear that once she’s married to Garrus, something will change, slapping her in the face that they are not meant to be together, but that didn’t happen.

Everything stayed the same.

Their love for one another. Their happiness around each other. Even when they fight, they end up talking about it a few minutes later, getting to the root of the problem, and solving it.

“I can’t believe it.” He whispers, and she turns to him.

“Believe what?”

He looks at her, “You’re my wife. My mate. My everything.”

She turns around, and their eyes are on one another. Putting the brush down, she walks over to him and straddles his lap, facing him. Her stomach creates a barrier between them, but Garrus doesn’t seem to mind. Leaning forward, he kisses her lips and wraps his arms around her. Feeling so snug in his arms is one of her dreams come true.

He pulls back, and chuckles, before laughing outright. Mya tilts her head in confusion when she feels their baby moving against him while inside of her. She giggles as their son kick, or punches, his daddy.

“He just.” He laughs, “I see what you mean now.”

She pulls away from his lap and starts to bump her stomach towards him. Garrus chuckles, resting his hand on it. Whenever Garrus is near, her little one would always move as if trying to jump into his arms. She remembers telling her little one to slow down and wait for them to leave her haven.

_“Daddy will be there to hold you soon.”_

Garrus watches the movements affectionally, and it makes her happy to see him so happy. She starts to wonder how long he has been waiting to have this moment with her. Married and creating a family for themselves.

“How long?”

He looks at her, “Very.” He answers, knowing what she’s asking without her input.

Rubbing his fringe, she brings his head close to her moving stomach, and he lays his head on it. She watches him closes his eyes and hum a soft song to their baby. Hearing Garrus creating a lullaby is the sweetest thing she’s ever seen.

“Let’s have a date tonight, as husband and wife.” He whispers.

She giggles, “I wouldn’t mind that at all, Big Guy.”

A few hours later, Garrus is sitting before her as they talk a little about the day's event. There aren’t many people around, and she feels happy to know what. Before entering the restaurant, people have been talking about Kaidan and Commander Shepard leaving the courthouse. This made her nervous, feeling the public on her ass again.

Something she hates and doesn’t want.

Yet, with Garrus, she’s able to let go of the fear, and be happy with the one she loves.

“The food here is something, not as good as your cooking though.” She giggles, looking at Garrus.

“Still trying to make me blush?” He chuckles.

“I don’t need to try,” She winks, “You blush every day when we wake up together.”

He shakes his head, “Turians don’t blush.”

“Oh, they do.” She bites into her dinner and watches as Garrus blush.

It’s a cute sight to behold. Different from humans since humans would turn red or smile the entire time while trying to cover their faces. Garrus does the same thing whenever she’s around, and she’s looking at him. The longer she looks, smiling at him, the more he tries to hide as his mandibles flicker.

“Stop.” He looks away from her as his mandibles twitch faster.

“Why? I can’t look at my handsome husband.”

He laughs, “I’m not handsome. I look…horrible, and turian. Unlike human men.”

She reaches out for him, “I don’t want human men. I don’t want anyone else.” She kisses his hand, “I want you and only you, Garrus. My handsome turian.”

His eyes look into her, and she grins at him blushing again. Their hands entwine, and he squeezes.

“Sometimes…I wonder if this is all a dream, and I’m about to wake up alone in my room, wondering to myself when will the pain end.”

She frowns.

“It kills me inside each time I wake up and not see you in my arms.” He inhales, “I don’t want to ever wake up if this is a dream. Let me die in the real world just to stay with you.”

“Garrus.” Tears build in her eyes, “Don’t say that.”

“I’m sorry. I can’t help it sometimes. I’m just scared. I don’t trust my eyes just yet.” He squeezes her hand tighter.

“I’m here, Garrus.” She sniffs, “it’s really me. I’m really your wife, and we’re going to have a son together soon. I’m no fantasy.”

She stands up, and without a care in the world, sits on his lap, kissing him softly. He holds her close to him, and she lays her head on his chest, hearing his wonderful heartbeat. There are days she wonders if all of this is a dream as well. Days when she wonders if she’s going to wake up to see Kaidan and not Garrus.

It happened before, why wouldn’t it happen again.

Then she would feel some pain from the pregnancy, throw up, and even blame Garrus for a fart she did. This tells her it’s not a fantasy, and that everything is real.

Walking from the car, heading back to their home. Garrus stops, and she turns to look at him. He kisses her under the moonlight, and she smiles in the kiss.

“Thank you so much, Mya.”

She smiles, “What for?”

“Bringing me back anytime I fall.”

Garrus pulls away from her and brings her hand up in the air. She giggles as she twirls slowly. He brings her close and starts to slowly sway their bodies. It’s not actually the tango, but it’s something similar, giving her condition, she can’t do anything too wild.

Still, it’s nice, and she appreciates what he is doing. Sure, there is no music, and one or two people are looking at them weird, but they are in their own world, other people don’t matter.

Their hands are entwining, as they look into each other’s eyes.

She smiles brightly before using her hands to tell him to bend down to her. He chuckles, but bends down to kiss her again. A long, sweet, and passionate kiss to remind each other.

This is real.

***

She could feel contractions, but it’s dull, and she doesn’t think too much about them. Garrus asked her earlier if she’s okay, and she tells him she’s fine. That the contractions she’s feeling aren’t labor contractions.

This, of course, freaked him out, but she reassured him that everything is okay.

So, yeah, she’s feeling contractions, and with each step, it’s sort of freaking her out a little as she times it in her head. They said that the contractions will hit in a rhythm and that they will become painful as time goes on.

They’re not painful, yet, so, she’s okay…at least she hopes.

Mya lets out a giggle, and Garrus looks over at her in question. She bursts out laughing, holding her side while rubbing her stomach, as they walk towards their home. He stops, and tilts his head, looking at her stomach.

“It’s… it’s the baby!” She laughs, pointing towards the balled-up fist their son is pushing out inside of her.

Their son is really moving in there. Alive and awake for the day. A piece of her wonders if he’s ready to come out, seeing how the contractions are getting a little painful, but she still doesn’t think too much about it.

Although, it’s time to start timing them with her omni-tool.

He chuckles, laying his hand on her stomach. “He’s really trying to get out. Luckily, his talons are blunt, or that would be horrible.”

She stops laughing and pouts. “I hate when you and Jack joke about that.” She frowns. “He’s not going to claw his way out of me!”

Garrus bursts out laughing but stops when they hear a louder laugh. Both Mya and Garrus turn to see Wrex walking over to them with a sealed container.

“Give him a few more weeks, and he might just do that.”

Mya pouts and places her hands on her hips. “I swear, I am going to kill all of you.” She smiles softly, and walks over to Wrex, hugging him, as he hugs her back. “Hey, Wrex, what are you still doing on the Citadel? I thought you would be leaving after the bonding ceremony two weeks ago.”

He nods. “Yes, but I was waiting for my gift to give you both.”

He places the container down, and a varren pup appears. Mya squeals, rushing straight for it and pets the little pup.

Garrus crosses his arms. “Uh, what? We can’t take on a varren when we’re going to have a newborn.”

Mya frowns. “Aw, Garrus. It’s a varren pup! We can’t just not take it.”

“I agree! If you are worried about him not being trained, we handled it. I knew Mya was having a baby, so we made sure to have our best pup to give her. He is well behaved, and potty trained.” He chuckles. “Just make sure to walk him, or he will start barking.”

Garrus hums. “Taking care of a newborn, and a varren pup will prove difficult though. If this was our second child, I would say okay, but we’re new parents.”

Mya nods. “I agree with Garrus. Although this isn’t my first pregnancy, this will be the first time I will be a mother.” She looks down, and the pup barks. “Oh my god, this is going to be so hard to say no.”

“How about this?” Wrex crosses his arms. “We take care of the pup for a year, and bring him back?”

Mya’s eyes glow. “Yes! We’ll do that!”

“I like that idea.” Garrus chuckles, as Mya starts dancing.

“You can spend time with him before the baby is born, so he knows his owners.”

“Thank you so much, Wrex. You don’t kno—”

She stops, and gasps. Both men look at her weirdly, until she looks down, and they follow her line of sight.

Her water just broke.

“Spirits!” Garrus starts to panic. “Shit! Fuck! God!”

Taking a deep breath, she grabs her sweater and covers her lower body. There isn’t anything yet, and she smiles at them, feeling embarrassed at having her water break in front of them.

“Okay, so don’t panic.” She reassures them.

Garrus is panicking though, and it doesn’t seem he’s going to stop.

“Just get the bags, and let’s head to the hospital.” She remains calm, walking over to a door, and using her omni-tool to open it.

Instantly, she almost doubles over with a contraction.

“Okay! That was a big one.” She groans.

“Mya!” Garrus panics, rushing to her side.

Another contraction, and she’s clutches onto Garrus.

“Holy, fuck!” She glares at him, “W… we need the bags! Stat!” she screams.

Garrus nods. “Wrex, can you take Mya to the car? I need to get the bags.”

Wrex laughs and picks Mya up. “Don’t worry, I got this.” The pup follows behind him, as Garrus rushes inside their house.

Eighteen hours later, Garrus and Mya is at the hospital. At first things were okay, besides some pain, but then after the tenth hour:

Mya is in pain.

Mya is in a lot of pain.

Mya is dying again.

“Help! Help! Help!” She screams, trying to stop the painful contractions that won’t go away. She’s been here for hours now, and the nurses keep telling her she’s not ready yet. “I’m going to bring back harbinger and kill everyone!”

Garrus rubs at her back, as she is bending forward on the bed, with her legs on the floor, grabbing the sheets, and sweating profusely. “It’s okay Mya, just take deep breaths.”

“I’ll fucking kill you,” she growls and glares.

He looks at her in fear.

“I want everyone to die in a black hole for causing this!” she screams. “Why can’t I get an epidural?”

“The doctor told you already. It’s for the safety of the baby, for the first pregnancy.”

She can see he is trying very hard not to run away from her wrath right now. Who the fuck told her to get pregnant? This is nothing like her first pregnancy. There was pain, yes, but this is fucking ridiculous.

“Help! Help! Get him out of me!” She climbs on the bed, with the help of Garrus, and just stays there in doggy position.

“Well, this is a nice view.”

She turns to see her lovely husband staring at her bare ass, and he has a nice view of her vagina. “I’m going to pop him out. Right. In. Your. Face!” she screams, and cries, feeling her son move again.

“GET. OUT. OF. ME!”

She starts to push, even if the doctors aren’t even there.

“Mya! Stop!” Garrus screams, panicking. “Nurse! I see his head!” He rushes out into the hall, as she cries.

She is quickly instructed to get on her back, as she continues to scream and push. It’s as if she wants to shit and piss, at the same time, and it’s horrible! It feels like there is a whole-ass watermelon about to come out of her poor vagina.

_My vagina is never going to recover!_

Again, who the hell said for her to get pregnant again?

“I don’t want any more kids!” She screams and pushes as the doctor tells her.

Moments later, there is a cry that fills the room, and she lays there in a dazed state. There is a moment where she remembers giving birth before, and there was no sound.

However, today there is a sound.

A beautiful sound.

Through her tired eyes, she watches as the doctor instructs Garrus to cut the umbilical cord, while their son cries and shakes. She sobs, and with tired arms, calls out to give him to her. They take him away, and she cries, thinking she will never have her baby.

She just wants to hold him so much.

Garrus walks over to her, and touches her head with his, as she continues to cry. She doesn’t hear what the doctors say, or what Garrus is saying.

She just wants to hold her son.

Her son is alive and is going to see the galaxy she saved.

A few minutes feels like an eternity, but they bring him to her, as they prepare a station for him, while he continues to cry. He lays on her chest, skin to skin-hide, and both finally stop crying.

Finally, in the arms of each other.

“Thank you.” She hears Garrus say.

Finally, she regains her hearing, which she lost temporarily since she only wanted to hear her son.

Garrus takes a seat, and she looks at him with a tired smile.

“So, how’s Garrison?” he asks.

She giggles. “He’s cute. The best baby ever.”

The nurse comes back and quickly wraps him up. Mya says a thank you, as she brings her son’s lips to her breast, and he drinks from her. Garrus lightly touches his small, brown hair. His tiny mandibles move only slightly, and his nose is sniffing.

“He’s taking my scent,” Mya whispers, smiling at his cute nose.

Garrus nods. “Once he’s finished drinking, I will have to hold him, so he can take in mine.” He reaches over, cupping her cheeks, and she leans into his touch.

“I love you, Garrus.”

“I love you too, Mya.”

She notices his face is deep in thought, and she tilts her head. He chuckles, shaking his head, and she pouts, wanting to know.

“Communication is important, Garrus.”

He chuckles, again, “Did you mean it?”

“Mean what?”

“You don’t want to have any more children after Garrison?”

She laughs. “Why do you ask?”

“Remember? I want a daughter.” He leans back.

“Seriously, Garrus?” She rasps through her laughing.

He nods. “I want a princess to spoil! Of course, I love my little prince, but I would love a princess now.”

She laughs. “I don’t think having another child can guarantee a girl, Garrus.” She hums. “If it makes you feel better, I want another one, or two. Just not right now.”

She rubs his little fringe lightly, as he continues to suckle on her breast. His eyes are still shut, but one day they will open, and see how beautiful everything is.

_You’ll be my hero, Garrison, and one day, you’ll be a hero to your little sister or brother. Just like Ethan would have been to you._

“I said what I said because, at that moment, I thought I was dying, again,” she whispers, before kissing Garrison’s forehead.

He nods. “Great, because I’m serious. I want to keep trying ‘til I get a princess.” He laughs proudly at this statement, before seeing her face, and stopping. He doesn’t look scared or intimidated.

Mya knows he’s not going to force this on her, but she knows, he knows, that she wants a big family, and is using that against her.

Just to get his princess.

She stares at him, and he stares back at her.

She’s gonna kick his ass.


	20. Moving Forward

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Moving Forward

Mommy is crying.

He doesn’t know why she’s crying, but she’s crying, so he feels like crying, too. Daddy is holding his hand, and he hears him sigh softly.

“You alright, little guy?” Daddy asks.

Garrison sniffs. “Uh-huh.”

He continues to watch Mommy cry, until she turns to them with a small smile, and walks over to take him in her arms. Mommy gives him a big kiss, and he can feel how wet her face is from crying.

“It’s okay, Mommy,” Garrison whispers, patting her arm as she holds him.

“Thank you so much, baby,” she whispers.

Standing up, Mommy smiles at him and shows him her hand. With curiosity, Garrison takes her hand and smiles back at her. She walks him towards the weird stone thing and places her pretty hands on it.

“This is Ethan, Gary,” she whispers, looking at the stone.

“Ethan?” He tilts his head.

Ethan is his big brother, who went to the sky to see all the spirits. At least, that’s what Daddy and Grandpa said to him one day. Grandma said he’s always around, watching over everyone, to make sure everyone is okay.

He never saw Ethan before, he only sees this stone, but Mommy always tells him that it’s Ethan.

“I know I tell you every year, but I want you to remember him, always and forever.” Mommy sighs. “They say at age five to six, they learn to remember more.” She hums. “Or am I wrong about that?”

Daddy chuckles. “I’m sure it’s something else, but I think it’s still good to make sure Garrison remembers.”

Daddy looks tired, or maybe he’s sad, too.

He hates when Mommy and Daddy are sad.

“I hope the twins are okay.” Mommy frowns. “I know they can be a lot to handle.”

Daddy crosses his arms. “They should have been here already. Maybe we should call James and see where he could be.”

As Mommy and Daddy continue to talk, Garrison looks back at Ethan, tilting his head in curiosity. He touches the weird stone, and wonders when Ethan is going to show up. Mommy touches his hand, and he looks at her.

“What are you doing? Trying to find Ethan?”

“Yes.” He nods.

Mommy giggles. He likes when she giggles.

“Ethan isn’t going show up, but it’s okay, because Ethan is here, watching all of us.” She groans, rubbing her back. “I’m getting a little tired.” She sighs.

Garrison turns back to the stone, and smiles. Taking out a drawing he did, because Aunty Jack asked him to draw something for Ethan’s birthday, and he likes birthdays.

He grabs a rock, and puts it near Ethan’s stone, with a smile on his face. Suddenly there is a sniff, and he turns to see Mommy crying again while rubbing her big belly.

“Why cwy, Mommy?”

“I’m sorry, baby. I’m just happy you did that.” She lightly brushes the drawing. “It’s beautiful.”

“Just like Mommy’s dawing?” He grins.

Daddy laughs. “Just like Mommy’s drawing.”

Mommy hugs him tightly again, and he smiles at how warm Mommy feels. Her cheeks are rubbing at his, and she brushes his fringe.

He laughs because it tickles when she brushes his fringe.

“My baby boy.” She squeals. “You’re just like Daddy. A momma’s boy.”

“Nothing wrong with that, come on.” Daddy chuckles.

“Mya, Garrus.”

Garrison looks over at Mommy’s friend.

“Kaidan, I’m glad to see you.” Mommy smiles.

“Where’s Jazmine?” Daddy asks.

“Right here!” A pretty lady comes from behind Mommy’s friend.

The adults start to talk to one another, and Garrison looks to see a little human girl walking over to Ethan’s stone, with a smile on her face. She places a single flower on top of his drawing, and Garrison frowns.

“Why you do that?”

She turns to look at him weirdly. “Cuz he’s ma big botha.”

“No, he mine.” Garrison narrows his eyes and pouts his lips.

“No, he mine.” She places her hands on her hips.

Mommy giggles. “They do this every year.”

“He’s a big brother to both of you.” The pretty lady says.

“He’s my big botha first.” Garrison nods, with a huff.

“Nuh-uh!”

“Uh-huh!”

Garrison feels mad at her, but then he remembers when Mommy and Daddy go back and forth like this a lot.

Mommy always wins.

With a huff, Garrison turns back towards Ethan’s stone and stares at the flower. Bending down, he picks it up and sniffs it.

“What doing?”

Garrison rolls his eyes; this human girl is annoying. Sniffing some more, he nods and puts it back down with a smile.

It’s a pretty smell.

“You approve, little guy?” Mommy asks, and Garrison nods with a smile.

He likes when Mommy calls him ‘little guy,’ because it reminds him of Mommy calling Daddy ‘big guy,’ and he finds it funny.

“Yes, Mommy,” he says, placing the flower back down.

“Mommy! Daddy!”

The twins are here!

“My babies!” Mommy claps, as the twins run towards her, giving her a big hug. “Careful little ones, your baby sister is in there!”

Uncle James walks over to Daddy, and they begin to talk, as Mommy tells the twins about Ethan again.

“Toy,” Malik whispers, placing his toy truck down.

Malcolm nods. “Toy.” He grins, placing his toy soldier down.

“It was good seeing you again, Kaidan,” Mommy says, hugging her friend.

“Hope everything is okay with your newborn,” Daddy says to the pretty lady.

She laughs. “Don’t worry. Adalyn is going strong. Especially when she has her big sister Kalandra.”

“Do you have a name?” Mommy’s friend asks.

“We’re thinking of maybe Phoenix.”

“Like the bird?”

Mommy laughs. “It was Big Guy’s idea.”

“The name is nice, what can I say?” Daddy laughs with her.

***

She is loud.

Waking up, Garrison looks at his galaxy room, staring at the pretty stars and the Normandy. It's so pretty, he could get lost in it fore-

She cries louder, and it takes him out of his fantasy.

Sitting up, Garrison steps out of his bed with a huff and starts to make his way toward the crying infant’s room. It’s only a matter of time before Mommy and Daddy come in, but for now, he’s the one walking inside.

His baby sister is tiny right now, as she wiggles and cries, wanting something. He doesn’t know what. Her eyes are still closed, and her talons aren’t grown. He can see a small patch of hair on her head, which is pretty.

“Why so loud?” he asks, putting a finger close to her tiny hand.

She grasps his finger, and squeezes as tight as she can, which wasn’t that tight. His sister starts quieting down, and he continues to watch her. She starts to pull at his finger, and he doesn’t understand why. His finger is suddenly in her mouth, and she is sucking, making him gasp in shock.

“Garrison take your finger away from her mouth,” Mommy says, pulling his hand away from his baby sister.

“Sowwy.” He frowns; feeling bad that he did something bad, although he doesn’t know what he did that was bad.

She giggles. “It's okay, baby.”

Mommy picks up his sister and takes a seat in a rocking chair. He watches as Mommy opens her long shirt, uncovering a round ball on Mommy. With a sigh, Mommy places his baby sister near the ball, and she starts to suck at it.

“Why she sucking the ball?”

Mommy looks at him weirdly. “Ball?”

He points to the ball, and Mommy laughs.

“This isn’t a ball, baby. This is called a breast, and what your sister is drinking from is a nipple. It’s what mommies use to feed babies, such as your sister.” She smiles, rubbing his sister's hair as she drinks.

“Can I drink, too?”

“No, baby. You’re a big boy now.” She smiles.

He pouts, crossing his arms because he wants to drink from Mommy too. He huffs, and he puffs and does a little stomp, but all Mommy does is laugh at him.

“Not funny, Mommy.”

“It’s a little funny.” She giggles, kissing his sister on the head.

He doesn’t remember Mommy feeding the twins, but maybe that’s because he was too young, and didn’t remember. With a grumble, he leaves and gets his drawing pad. Walking back inside, he sees Daddy laying on the ground on his back with a pillow under his head, sleeping, or is he sleeping? Garrison doesn’t know, all he knows is that Daddy took his spot!

“Daddy?” He pouts, sticking his little mouth out in annoyance.

Daddy opens his eyes. “Hey there, little guy.” He yawns. “Sorry, did I take your spot?”

Garrison frowns. “Yes, Daddy, you did.”

He chuckles, and pats his side, “Why don’t you lay with Daddy then?” His mandibles flicker, and Garrison can hear him saying ‘I love you’ with his sound.

“Cos, I want daw.”

Mommy smiles. “Then draw. Just sit on him, since he won’t get up.”

“Hey, come on. I’m not a couch.” Daddy laughs.

With a little bit of nervousness, Garrison walks over to Daddy and sits on his chest. Daddy grumbles a bit but doesn’t push him off, and so he draws. He doesn’t know what he’s drawing, but he’s drawing, because he likes drawing.

Just like Mommy.

***

Garrison opens the door for himself and his brothers, and they run inside. His brothers instantly jump onto Daddy, while Garrison walks over to Mommy, with a smile on his face, and lays his small hands on her stomach.

“She awakes?” He smiles.

Mommy giggles. “Nope, she’s still sleeping, but when you come back home, she’s going to be awake.”

Garrison nods. “Okay.”

“Daddy me pick up!” Malik said.

“No, Daddy pick me!” Malcolm said.

Daddy laughs, “Why don’t I pick both of you up until I get your sister. I can’t have you both hold onto me when I’m getting your sister, okay.”

“Okay!” They said in unison.

Daddy picks up their twins, one in each arm, and walks out the door, with Mommy and Garrison behind them. She holds his hand, and it feels good. He feels happy and not so scared.

“Ready for today, baby?” She smiles down at him.

Mommy has such a pretty smile.

“Yes, Mommy.” He whispers, looking down.

Mommy stops moving, and he looks at her.

“Are you scared?”

He slowly nods.

She giggles, “It’s okay to be scared, but it’s going to be okay!” She bends to his level, “When Mommy was young and scared, she would hide, and would go to a place far away where no one can find her.” Tears are building in Mommy’s eyes, and it’s making him sad.

He doesn’t understand, but he wants her to feel better.

“But you would never have to worry about that, Garry. You’re going to meet new people, make friends, and always have a family to be there for you. I promise, I will give you the life I never had.” She kisses his head, “You are going to grow up knowing about love, and never hiding from your feelings or others.”

He blinks, tilting his head as his Mommy speaks, knowing never to speak over Mommy.

“And if anyone hurts you, what do you do?”

“I tell an adult.”

“Good boy. Never let anyone touch or manipulate you, understood?”

He nods, not completely understanding, but he tries his hardest.

She smiles, “Always come to Mommy when you are feeling scared. I don’t want you to hide from me or family if something is wrong.”

“Okay, Mommy.”

She stands up, rubbing her back, and big belly. There is a small cry, and they both turn to see Daddy holding Pheo in her carrier as the twins run away downstairs.

“It’s okay princess, Daddy is here.” He shakes his body lightly, causing a small bounce. Pheo stops crying and giggles instead.

“You just love spoiling her,” Mommy said, holding Garrison’s hand, and walking with him again.

“Hey, nothing wrong with spoiling my princess.” He laughs, “The boys had their turn when they were this small.”

Mommy giggles, “You are the best Daddy ever.” Mommy whispers, and they kiss, causing Garrison to look away.

“Ewe.”

They both look at him and laugh at his reaction.

As Garrison quietly eats, Mommy makes him some lunch for his first day at kindergarten.

He’s still scared.

Something about meeting new people makes him want to run away, but his Mommy tells him it’s going to be fun. His twin brothers start talking to each other.

He loves his younger brothers.

He loves being an older sibling.

“Gawy, wha you doin?” Malik asks, and he smiles.

“Waiting on Mommy.”

Mommy smiles. “Almost done, Garrison,” she calls out.

“Daddy, look!”

Malcolm and Urz start to play around, as Daddy laughs, capturing it on his omni-tool. Phoenix is inside her carrier that Daddy is using to hold her. She is giggling and clapping, as he continues to capture on his omni-tool.

Mommy glares at him. “Garrus! Make him stop before he hurts himself.”

“Come on, they play fight all the time,” Daddy says, and Garrison giggles, while Phoenix continues to clap.

He loves his family.

Malik is still standing next to him. He always loves being around him. It doesn’t bother Garrison much. Sometimes it’s annoying because Malik always asks him questions that he doesn’t even know the answers to.

The doorbell rings and Mommy opens the door.

“Alright! I’m here! Where are my kids?”

It’s Aunty Jack! Garrison finds Aunty Jack funny, because she likes to make silly faces, and tickle him and his brothers.

“Garris.”

Daddy looks at her weirdly.

“Not you.” She smiles at Garrison. “How are you, kiddo?”

“His name is Garrison, not Garris.” Daddy laughs.

Jack waves him away and continues to look at Garrison. He moves a bit in his chair because he’s still scared about going to school.

“I can see it. You’re nervous.” She smiles. “You don’t have to be scared, kiddo. Aunty Jack will be with you. I promise.”

Mommy starts to cry a little. “My little guy is growing up. I’m losing my kids one by one.”

Malcolm hugs Mommy and starts to cry.

Malcolm cries a lot.

“It’s k, Mommy,” he cries.

Daddy shakes his head. “Mya, you’re making the kids cry.” He chuckles. “Relax, will you? Garrison is only going to kindergarten.”

“Soon he’ll go to middle school, and right into college.” She pouts.

“That’s not how it works, honey.”

Aunty Jack rolls her eyes. “Where is his lunch?”

Mommy nods. “Atten…tion!”

Garrison quickly goes to his place in line, with his twin brothers beside him. Mommy and Daddy are military, so when they say ‘attention,’ everyone needs to drop everything, and stand in line.

Or they will get in trouble.

No one likes the no-no corner.

“Garrison!” Mommy shouts.

“Here,” he timidly says, saluting to Mommy.

“Malik!”

“Here!” Malik giggles, saluting to Mommy.

“I’m here too!” Malcolm calls out, saluting.

“No, Mommy caw me!” Malik pushes him a little.

Malcolm pouts. “So? Mommy caw me!” He pushes him back.

“Do you boys want the no-no corner?” Daddy voice is deeper now and a little scary, as the twins both cover their mouths, shaking their heads quickly, but Garrison knows he’s not being scary.

Mommy starts to walk, inspecting them.

“Garrison, fix your shirt.”

He nods and starts to quickly fix his shirt. As Mommy continues to walk, telling his brothers what they need to fix, Daddy walks over to help him with his shirt.

Daddy is so cool.

“There you go, little guy.”

“Thank you, Daddy.”

Their heads touch, and he feels calm as he inhales his Daddy’s scent. Daddy's scent always makes him feel so protected. That no matter what happens or where he is, Daddy will save him.

Garrison is still so scared.

Phoenix reaches out and touches his face. Garrison grabs her hand gently and shakes it with a big smile on his face.

“Say bye, Phoenix,” Daddy says to his sister, while showing her how to wave.

“Bah Bah.” She repeats while using her little hands to wave at him, mimicking their Daddy.

“Bye Phoenix.” Garrison said, and Phoenix giggles, bouncing in her carrier, as Daddy laughs at the energetic bouncing baby.

Aunty Jack grins. “Now that you’ve said goodbye to your baby sister, let’s go, Garris. School is going to be so much fun.”

Holding Aunty Jack’s hand, he says goodbye to Mommy and Daddy.

Ready for the day.

***

“Okay! Phoenix is asleep for a few hours. The twins are in preschool. Garrison is with Jack, which means we can have some fun.” Garrus rubs her shoulder, as Mya giggles.

“Garrus, I don’t have the energy to have sex, and Kelly is coming here soon.”

“Damn.”

The bell rings, and Garrus goes to answer the door, letting Kelly inside.

“Hello. I’m assuming the kids are gone.” She smiles, walking over to her usual spot, to speak to them both.

Mya smiles, rubbing her stomach. “Yup, besides this one inside of me. Even Urz is at varren-daycare, so we can relax.”

Garrus takes a seat and leans back, laying his arm behind Mya, while crossing his legs. “Don’t mind the mess; we were taking a small break before we have to clean up.”

Kelly nods. “It’s no problem.”

She takes out her omni-tool and begins to type inside. “So, how are you guys? It’s been three months since I’ve seen you two.”

Mya chuckles. “Yeah, our vacation was so nice we didn’t want to leave.”

“The twins were going crazy in the water, while Garrison was too busy relaxing with Mya here.” Garrus chuckles. “He’s a real mama’s boy.”

“Hey! Don’t talk like that about him.” She smiles. “Me and Garrison are just very close, but I love all my children. To be honest, I think I spoil them too much.”

“Yes, yes you do.” He laughs. “I swear, sometimes the twins will do something, and she’ll be okay with it.”

“The twins are crafty?” Kelly chuckles.

“Very. They know just how to create a situation that will benefit them.” She grins. “Doesn’t help that sometimes I help them.”

“See what I mean?”

“I’m guessing Garrus is the ‘unfun’ parent.”

Mya shakes her head. “No, I can be a little strict at times. My sons know how far they can go, and they don’t cross that line often. Whenever they do, they get put in the ‘no-no corner.’” She points to a corner. “Time out for being a bad little one.”

“Because they love getting into trouble together, we have to separate them, which helps, because they hate not being together.” Garrus sighs. “I think they’ve had this bond since the womb, so it’s hard to just be separate.”

Mya nods. “Once they are out of the no-no corner, they will do little things for me and Garrus to make up for it.” She claps. “And usually it’s without our input.”

“Your kids seem like angels when the time calls for it.”

Mya laughs. “Oh! Oh! Don’t be too nice to them! They can be a hassle. If any parent tells you their kids are angels, don’t listen. Most likely the kids are a nightmare or just slick like Garrison.”

“Slick?”

“He’s sneaky. If you don’t watch him, he will find a way to get away with something. If Garrison is quiet, he did something.” Garrus shakes his head.

“This one time, Garrison was able to hide a toy without us knowing. Told him he couldn’t bring it to the party, and he did behind our backs.”

“Are you worried about that?”

“I am a little, but I trust my little one not to go too far. As he grows, I want to teach him not to hide things from us, because the last thing I want is my son hiding problems from us that could impact his life.”

“How’s Phoenix?”

Garrus chuckles. “Phoenix is a princess, and I love spoiling her.”

Mya shakes her head. “Honestly. Phoenix loves to move, she’s very energetic. Crawling, moving. We’re weaning her off the carrier and trying to teach her how to walk.”

Kelly nods. “That’s wonderful. So, we talked about your kids, but how is the pregnancy?”

“This one is a dream compare to my other pregnancies. They were terrible. Worse one? The twins. Having two hurians just rolling around in there fighting each other each night was just so damn exhausting.”

“Yet you’re having one more.” Kelly laughs.

“I know! But this one was by accident, I swear!” She laughs, “Honestly, I didn’t even know you could get pregnant so damn early after giving birth!”

“Our daughters are going to be close in age, and I’m ready for it,” Garrus chimes in.

She slaps his leg. “Of course, you are. Meanwhile, I’m over here struggling to tie my damn shoes.”

“This is why we have ten slippers.” He chuckles.

She giggles. “Anyway, I’ve always wanted a big family, and Garrus promised he would help me have one.”

“Yup.”

“But I hate pregnancy. It’s fucking horrible. The only time I have ever enjoyed my pregnancy is the sixth month, which is when I sleep all day. Once it hits the seventh month though, I’m back to being cranky and wanting the kid, or kids, out of me. For some reason, each of my pregnancies felt amazing during the sixth month. Besides this one, she has been heaven the entire time, so far.”

“Why do you think your other pregnancies were easier during the sixth month if you have any idea?”

Mya hums. “I think it’s because that’s when my first son died. I think for some reason, that point in time is perfect for me because something out there is helping me. I don’t know, Kelly. I just feel great when on the sixth month.”

She nods. “I understand if it’s hard to talk about.”

Mya smiles. “No, it’s not hard to talk about anymore. I will always love and miss Ethan, but I have moved on, and I am happy.”

“Do your sons know of Ethan?”

“Yes, Garrison understands more, while the twins haven’t gotten it yet.” She sighs. “We visit his gravesite every year on his birthday, and sometimes at Christmas.” She swallows, feeling a little emotional thinking of her late son.

Kelly nods. “I don’t want to cause you to cry, so let’s move on.”

“No, no it’s okay I swear. It’s hard to relax my emotions when pregnant.” She laughs. “But we can move on.”

“I wanted to ask about Kaidan. How is that relationship right now, since the divorce? We talked about it before, but that was when you and he weren’t talking still.”

“Right, so, we talk to Kaidan.” She looks at Garrus. “We’re not super best friends or even good friends, but we talk, and everything is alright.”

“What does ‘alright’ mean?”

Mya sighs. “It means we are just living our lives. We don’t try to talk to one another unless it comes to Ethan’s birthday. He doesn’t hate me, and I don’t hate him.”

Garrus sighs. “It’s just that we’ve moved on. Trust isn’t really there, but there is no bitterness, no resentment after the fact.”

“It’s a bittersweet deal when it comes to Kaidan, but it's okay. He has his family and friends, and we have ours. Even when it overlaps, it’s not full of drama. People just live their lives.” Mya smiles. “You know?”

Kelly nods. “I understand.”

Garrus shifts a little in his seat, as Kelly's eyes him a little.

“I wanted to ask, how are you, Garrus?”

He hums, looking at Kelly. “I’m fine.”

“Well, I wanted to know how things with past relationships worked for you. Such as Tali.”

He nods. “Okay, so everything with Tali is good. It’s different than Kaidan because we talk to her a lot more, and she loves taking care of Garrison when we’re feeling overwhelmed with the twins.”

“That’s good. How are you coping with Angela’s death? It’s been six years, but it’s still something you mention in our sessions from time to time.”

“I’m still sad about it.” He looks down with guilt. “I wish she was alive to live her life, but that’s not possible.”

“Do you still blame yourself?”

Garrus shakes his head. “No. I don’t blame myself, because why would I? I didn’t kill her. I fucked up, yes. I made horrible choices when it came to Angela, yes. But it wasn’t my choice to end her life.”

Mya nods. “There is no reason for him to shoulder all of that guilt since so much of it was out of his power.”

“I said my piece long ago. I said I was sorry. I moved on.”

“I agree with that decision.”

“Thank you.” He still has that pain in him, sad that Angela did that, but it doesn’t consume his life.

He has moved on.

“Alright, time is shortening, and I want to ask you both… How is the dynamic of your relationship? Do you both think those bad traits that you both had are still a problem?”

Mya shakes her head. “I’m still depressed, but I work on it with Garrus. I don’t try to put this horrible pressure on him, and I try to limit my passive-aggressive behavior.” She laughs. “I’m not perfect, but I am trying.”

“Control is mostly sexual for me, there are times where I just have to gain control of the situation when it comes to me and Mya, but I don’t let it take over.” He hums. “I haven’t been jealous of anyone since… Kaidan, because I trust Mya.”

“That’s the last thing I also want to talk about.”

“The cheating,” Mya says, and Kelly nods. “Before you ask your question, I just want to say, no, a cheater is not always a cheater.”

“I agree, and it’s not because we cheated on others to be with each other,” Garrus points out.

“There are sometimes reasons for people to cheat. It’s horrible, but sorry to say, not everyone who cheats is a horrible person that needs to die or something.” She sighs. “I know what I did was wrong, but I don’t regret it.”

“You don’t?”

“No.” She rubs her stomach, feeling her little one waking up. “I don’t regret it at all, and you want to know why? Because I am happy.” She smiles. “I cheated because I was in a marriage I didn’t want. I cheated because I was in love with Garrus Vakarian.” She sighs, closing her eyes. “I know it was wrong, but that wasn’t my mistake. My mistake was not allowing myself to leave when I should have. I allowed myself to stay in a relationship I clearly didn’t want.” She looks at Garrus. “I’m sorry, Garrus.”

He cups her cheeks. “I forgave you already. Stop apologizing.”

She giggles. “I know, but sometimes I just want to say sorry.”

“Okay, fine, then I’m sorry, too.”

“Garrus.”

“Nope, if you won’t stop, then I won’t stop.”

She lays her head on his chest, with a smile on her face, and he holds her tight.

“Okay, Big Guy, you win.”

***

Mya is on her hands and knees, as Garrus thrusts into her from behind, pushing into her slowly. He lets out a soft moan, as he pushes and pulls out of her. She moans quietly, gripping the sheets, not wanting to make a sound to give away what they are doing.

“Mya,” he whispers, leaning forward and lightly biting her shoulder.

“F-fuck, Garrus.” She almost cries out.

He shushes her, and she whimpers, bring her head down to bite the pillow in front of her.

“Mommy!” A pounding on the door makes Garrus jump.

“Hurry! Before Garrison hacks the door again.” she hisses at him.

He grunts. “I’m trying,” he whispers.

“Mommy! Daddy!” Garrison calls out, pounding on the door.

“Mommy!” Another voice calls out.

“Daddy!” Another little voice calls out.

"Dada!" A small voice calls out.

Mya groans. “We’re coming!” She glares at the door. “I hate my kids.”

Pushing Garrus aside, she sits up and groans, feeling sexually unsatisfied.

Garrus chuckles. “Come on, Mommy, that’s a lie.” Putting on his clothes.

Mya sighs, grabbing her clothes and putting them on. If there is one thing, she wants from this vacation, it's to finally relax with Garrus. Have a few moments to themselves as they enjoy each other’s company while having sex.

She really wants to have sex with him.

“Mama!” Their daughter calls out, and it brings Mya out of her fantasy of Garrus stripping for her.

Garrus rubs at his back, feeling old. He can hear his princess about to cry if they don’t open the door soon enough. With a small grunt, he makes his way to the door, and they rush inside as they always do.

Picking up Pheo, he rubs his head on her to get her to stop crying, which she does. She giggles and kisses his head while hugging him tightly. He loves his little princess, and of course, his princes, who are now climbing on his leg.

Mya giggles, “I’ll get Melody while you carry the rest.”

Garrus grumbles a bit but walks casually with his sons on each leg, and Phoenix in his arms. Garrison is watching him intently, and he wonders why.

“Something wrong, little guy?” He asks.

Garrison shakes his head, “No.”

He chuckles, “Come on, you can tell me. What did Mommy say about hiding?”

“Never hide.”

“And be brave.” He finishes.

Garrison nods, “How can you carry all of them? They not heavy?”

Garrus laughs, adjusting Phoenix a little as the twins laugh and play on his legs.

He shrugs, “They weigh a good amount, but nothing I can’t handle.” He winks, “Daddy is strong. I bet I can even carry you.”

He sees Garrison’s eyes sparkle and he knows from his eyes, Garrison wants to be carried. It’s not the first time he saw his son glow with wanting to be carried like the rest of his siblings.

“Alright you two, climb off so I can bend down.”

The twins came off his legs, giving him a funny look. Garrison looks embarrassed or ashamed of ruining his sibling’s fun, but Garrus just bends down, showing him his back.

“Climb on.”

Garrison looks hesitant, but he climbs on after a bit more pushing from Garrus. Wrapping his legs around his waist, Garrison giggles as Garrus stands up. The twins jump back onto his legs, and he’s off to see Mya.

Mya is breast-feeding Melody, who is lazily sucking to the point Mya is struggling a little to keep her latched onto her nipples.

“Come on, Mel. Drink for Mommy.” She sighs, bouncing her lazy baby.

“Okay, got the kids,” Garrus said, appearing at the doorway.

Mya blinks at seeing her beloved, and their four children just all over him. She giggles, before hissing at Melody giving her a painful suck. With a sigh, she looks at Garrus and smiles.

“What a strong Daddy you are.”

He chuckles, “The strongest.”

“Got room for Mel?” She jokes.

He hums, “There is always my neck that Garrison used to sit on at her age.”

Mya shakes her head, "Garrus," She giggles, remembering those times, “Let’s get ready for the beach, honey.” She kisses his mouth and winces a little as Melody gives a painful suck again.

“Beach!”

“Beach!”

“Bech!”

Their eyes grow wide at Phoenix cheering bech which sounds like bitch. Their eyes meet before Garrus walks away laughing as he tries to tell Phoenix that what she is saying is a no-no word.

The day at the beach is nice and enjoyable. Phoenix stays with Garrus, while Mya watches her three sons while holding Melody, who is sleeping in her arms. Garrison keeps watch of the twins to help, of course.

“Think we can have some time together without the kids tonight?” Garrus asks.

Mya giggles. “Maybe? I can ask Jack to watch them, so we could go on a date.”

“Great.” He chuckles, and Phoenix starts to wiggle and jump at seeing the twins wildly playing in the water near the shore.

“No, baby girl. When you are bigger.” Mya smiles. "You can play in the sand next to Daddy." 

Garrus chuckles, "Or I could take you to the water, but not yet." He shows a little affection by rubbing his head against her fringe.

Phoenix whines a little with the pacifier in her mouth, and Garrus grabs her small pan and shovel for her to play with. She giggles, taking it, and playing with the sand. Melody isn’t moving, but she is awake, watching everything.

“So lazy.” Garrus chuckles, poking her cheeks.

“Hey, don’t talk about my amazing, very-easy-pregnancy-and-birth baby.” Mya sighs. “She was the very best at coming out of me.”

“The very best, and the last.” Garrus sighs, braiding Phoenix's hair.

“God, yes. I think five kids is enough for a lifetime.”

“I agree.”

“Daddy! Daddy!” Malik screams, holding onto something, while Malcolm runs behind him. “Look, Daddy!”

Garrus tilts his head. “What is it?”

Malik opens his hand, and it’s just a seashell, or something close to it. Mya doesn’t know, but she feels a small hand on her shoulder and turns to see Garrison showing his own seashell.

She smiles. “Is this for me?”

He nods, and she takes it, giving him a small kiss on the cheek in return.

By nighttime, Mya and Garrus return towards the beach. At least, with Garrus covering her eyes, to show her as a surprise.

“Open your eyes.”

Mya opens her eyes and notices where they are instantly.

“It’s where we reconnected,” she whispers, with a smile on her face, and sees how beautiful the moon looks out tonight.

“Yup.” He sits down and pats between his legs, where she happily takes a seat.

There is a moment of peace between the two, as they watch the waves hit the rocks, and the beautiful moon moves above them. Garrus pulls her into him, holding her tightly, and taking in her scent. He’s the happiest turian ever known. The fact he gets to have her forever and always makes him excited, and happy for the rest of his days. Coming back to this place is a nice experience, and he’s glad they decided to do it.

“Do you still want to go back?”

She giggles. “No.”

He hums. “No.”

“What’s the point in going back, you know? I have everything I want now, so there is no reason to go back.” She smiles. “Maybe we would have gotten to this point a lot quicker with my knowledge, but it doesn’t matter.”

“Maybe our problems would have escalated anyway.” He sighs, laying his chin on top of her head. “Maybe we go back, and we end up not together like now.”

She leans back against his chest. “That is a possibility.”

“Or…” He licks her neck. “We end up together anyway, kind of like soul—”

She slaps his arm lightly. “Don’t you even dare talk about soulmates.”

He laughs. “I’m not saying that. All I’m saying is… maybe we are meant to be together.”

She rolls her eyes. “So, soulmates.”

“I didn’t say that.” He laughs.

“You’re implying it!” She pouts. “Soulmates are so… cliché.”

“Nothing wrong with a little cliché.” He chuckles, and soon he sighs. “I just think we fit. I guess I don’t want to think of a timeline we’re not together.”

She closes her eyes. “I guess you are right.” Kissing his hand, she says, “I wouldn’t want to think of that either.”

Everything is quiet. The lights are off, and there is only the ambient noise from the crashing waves.

She spins around, towards Garrus, and kisses his mouth. “What about you?” she whispers.

He hums. “No.”

“No.” She smiles.

“I have everything that I could ever want in my life. Five children, a beautiful wife, and even a damn varren.” He chuckles. “I don’t ever want to go back. We can’t go back,” he whispers, kissing her again.

“No, we can’t.” She pecks his mouth. “But we can go forward.”

She pulls away from his mouth, and stares into his eyes, with a smile on her face. Slowly, she caresses his moving mandibles, in happiness at being here in this moment. She starts to remember being here the first time, and how depressed she was, until finally seeing him again.

Her amazing husband, Garrus Vakarian.

“We should definitely have sex,” he whispers.

She burst out laughing, “Garrus!”

“What? We were interrupted, and we finally have alone time. I say we just have sex right here, right now.” He nods, feeling proud of himself for thinking up this amazing idea.

Her eyes soften, “Garrus.” She kisses him, pushing him down on his back to have her way with him.

As they moan into the night, becoming one once more, they build the moment forever in their minds.

Moving forward.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So that's the end, and it's beautiful IMO. There is nothing I would ever want to change in this story at all. Fully fell in love with it through and through. I couldn't even stop rereading it. I hoped you guys enjoyed it as well. Was scared to bring up a cheating fic, but I'm surprised people did enjoy it. 
> 
> Thank you for kudosing my fic. Thank you for subbing to my fic. Thank you for bookmarking my fic. 
> 
> I hope you all have a great day. :)


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